How to choose a sex party? The London sex party and kink party scene has blossomed, diversified and seen the sort of rapid expansion you’d get releasing a balloon from the bottom of the deep sea. Indeed, this social decompression following enforced fear and isolation a few years ago is probably predictable. We want to live our best lives, and we want to do it right now. How then, do we make a choice as to where we should spend our time and money?

How to choose a sex party?

We can look online, read about parties on their websites, or maybe search for independent reviews online. Sadly, most of these are paid promotion rather than facts, one way or another. We can ask around in chat groups and on social media, try to get an idea of the vibe, what to expect and see what is likely to suit us best. People tend to be a little biased, however, and may well say they don’t like a party because it didn’t appeal to them in one aspect that they were personally hoping for.

There is a lot of magic that comes together to make a great party, and even so nobody will be happy 100% of the time. With this is mind, I’d like to (for nerdy fun) use Maslow’s hierarchy of need and convert it into a guidance tool to help you assess which parties are going to suit you best.

Bottom level – Can I access this sex party?

Location, time and price

First things first, when you want to choose a sex party, is this a party you can actually attend? Can you get to the location and back? Are you free that evening? Can you afford it (financial accessibility is a real issue and some parties offer low income tickets, but not all?)

Access to a sex party

Is this a party that is physically accessible to you? To choose a sex party might mean some research. If you are a wheelchair user or have health or mobility needs that need to be catered for so you can be included, speak to the organisers to check what provision there is. Sadly many locations in London have lots of stairs, some venues have strobe lighting or are very loud throughout, some may say they cannot cater you your health need at the event. Equally, some have designated lifts and entrances for wheelchair users, chill out/wellbeing rooms and facilities to support access for those with different needs. There are always a variety of trade-offs at any event or venue to make it work, and sadly disability access often draws the short straw.

Invitation to a kink or sex party

You are ready to choose a sex party. But wait! Is this a party you are allowed to go to? Parties often have restrictions on who they will accept as a guest, sometimes including age limits, single/couple status, gender and appearance. Some will ‘vet’ you for approval before you can buy a ticket, to make sure they minimise problematic behaviour at the event (this is usually with questions about consent, or ensuring you are recommended by someone who is already a regular who can vouch for you). Some will vet you for looks and body type (though this can sometimes be specific and fetishistic for niche events, it is often- sadly- young, skinny, western-standards looks screening).

Getting in

Many will try to maintain gender ratios by stopping sale of tickets to an over subscribed group (usually single men) and you will need to get in early to get a ticket. There are certainly still plenty of events that are ‘open to all’ (in terms of you can freely buy a ticket) but may well question you about consent and behaviour on the door, and will certainly expect you to be well attired in a way that perfectly matches their dress code.

Because many events cater to a specific interest, it is worth bearing in mind that you will be expected to conform to the kind of vibe the event is trying to create, in terms of dress, activities and behaviour. For example, Club Pedestal men must be dressed and act submissively, at Joyride you will be expected to dress up flamboyantly and not look like a privileged cis-het white man (without any form of cultural appropriation) and at Torture Garden you’ll be expected to have a fairly extreme fetish outfit to get in. Bear this in mind when you are ready to choose a sex party or kink party.

Niche events

There are also events which are just for certain groups of people. Say, an all-male party. Or an all lesbian party. A party for women of colour and men who adore them. Or a party for BBW (big beautiful women) and their admirers. A party for young men and older women. Or for hotwifing couples and bulls. These events are valuable spaces for people with shared experiences and interests who may often feel marginalised or diluted in ‘everyone is welcome’ spaces. It allows them to feel celebrated in their own right.

It allows them to meet other people who are into exactly the same things they are into and get on with them, without explanation or distraction. If, therefore, you are not permitted into one of these events for reasons beyond your control, rest assured that you are in the fortunate majority almost all of the time, and are already catered to by lots of other events. Choose a sex party or kink party that is designed to cater to you.

Second level – Safety and security at the sex party

Whatever your gender identity and sexuality, this one is important. Events are always made up of lots of people. Some will be friends, some will be strangers. Some will be predators. Even more will be inexperienced and make mistakes. There can be misunderstandings. This is true of the regular vanilla world too. It’s a really important factor when you come to choose a sex party or kink party. An unexpected bad experience can really knock you back, and though this is not your fault, I want to tell you the things you can do in advance to try to make sure you don’t find yourself in an unwanted situation.

Sex Party Safety

What makes this so important is that at these kink or sex party events, where we (with a few exceptions) come to feel empowered, relaxed, and focus on our higher tiers (scroll down for those) is the following. We do it while people are naked, nervous, perhaps engaging in impact play, too much drink or other substances, all with desires and aspirations of their own. In a perfect world, there would be perfect communication and perfect consent. Everyone would feel safe and nothing would ever happen. That’s the dream. That’s not reality anywhere (although kink events are some of the safest places to be in many ways).

Consider your situation, do some research and look for the following:

-Is the event vetted? And if so how. Do they ask you about the meaning of consent and which other events you have been to to sign up? This is behavioural vetting.

-Is there professional security? Parties that say they are ‘self-policing’ do not work. Likewise, be cautious of anywhere which has a total information blackout or makes you sign some sort of non-disclosure agreement. Though no photos and sensible discretion about not exposing people you meet there is a normal and polite expectation, parties that won’t permit any sort of public scrutiny are often highly problematic.

-Are there additional volunteers like dungeon or room monitors?

-Are expectations for behaviour clearly stated before the event?

-Is the venue secure from random people coming in?

-Are there secure cloak rooms, lockers, etc?

-Are there toilet attendants?

-What steps has the venue and the sex party or kink party event host put in place to make sure everyone is safe? They will usually tell you this extensively in their media information if they consider it a priority

-What steps are taken when something does go wrong? This is actually a big one, and the number one reason I hear people complain about events to others. That something happened (from minor to serious) and that the staff didn’t take enough action. They should have a policy for this planned in advance, and be able to tell you what they will do in different situations. They are usually quite proud of these if they have them.

Level 3 – Love and belonging. Am I accepted here?

Once you have decided a sex party or kink party is accessible to you and you are happy you will be safe enough, the next question is whether you will have a good time. This does not necessarily mean the best night of your life. There is a big difference between ‘Am I accepted’ and ‘Am I celebrated’. Often when people complain they didn’t like a party or feel accepted, it is more that they did not feel celebrated. These are very different things. To say you feel accepted, ask yourself if, giving it your best social effort and chatting with everyone there, you could find some people happy to talk with you for the evening. That you are not ostracised, left out, deliberately excluded or harassed.

Acceptance takes courage

If you are looking for a place where you will walk in and instantly be adored, approached and celebrated, that is a completely different thing. There are ways to achieve this, mostly by finding a night that focuses on (or fetishizes) some aspect of yourself that is rare. Otherwise, expect that if you hang back, don’t make an effort to talk to people, charm them and work the room with your best positive mindset, then it wasn’t that the event didn’t accept you. It’s that you pre-emptively rejected everyone at the event.

It’s also a good idea to consider the nature of the event and whether you are going to meet people you have much in common with. Kink and swinger events (though there are great crossover events) often have very different crowds. Each event also has a different crowd. Some are shy or stand-offish, built with longstanding cliques. Some are super friendly and outgoing to everyone new. Choosing an event that focusses in on an activity you especially enjoy (such as high protocol service subbing), rather than can tolerate (perhaps, heavy impact play), will help to make sure you meet likeminded people to befriend and have the best chance of doing the things you were hoping for on your night out.

Level four – self esteem and good vibes

This one is a little hard to predict- how are you personally going to feel, at the event and afterwards. If, say, you hate wearing latex (it’s kind of sweaty) and go to a latex fetish specialist night, you are probably not going to have the best time. Not just from the chafing. You are not going to feel like the best version of yourself. If you love being in lingerie but hate being naked, a naturist party isn’t going to be the best choice.

You may still have fun, but you probably won’t be feeling like the best version of your honest, authentic self. It’s always good to explore and revisit your boundaries as tastes evolve, but don’t feel pressured into attending events with friends that you are pretty sure you won’t like. As well as how you’ll feel at the event, think how you’ll feel after. This world exists for your fun, exploration and personal development. If you become an accessory character in the movie that is supposed to be your life, you’re going to become resentful.

Level five- self actualisation and finding your dream event

Having established the party will allow you in, it’s going to be accessible for you, safe, you’ll feel welcome and that you’ll form happy memories and strong positive mental benefit from attending, it’s time for level five. All the others really have to already be in place for this one. This is where you find a party in which you are not just accepted, but celebrated. Where not only enjoy, but grow closer to becoming the person you most wish to be. Your idealized self.

This is a pretty tall order, and once you find places that make you feel this way they will become your firm favourites. Do you walk out having learned or tried something new? Did you have opportunities to try out that dream group sex position you always wanted to, or try fire play, or trampling on a man’s chest in a cage? Did this event open worlds for you, and leave you the better for it? Does your soul feel filled up, renewed and refreshed after the night out there? Do you feel a step closer on the road to living your ideal life?

How to choose a sex party or kink party

Ultimately, there are a lot of factors that go into an evening, and you can’t control for all of them to ensure you have an amazing time, every time. Part of the fun is often in the adventures you never even imagined. Yet looking at these 5 steps certainly gives you the best head start to find better parties more of the time. Ones that are going to suit you, bring you joy and help you live the life you’ve been waiting for.

*All images created with Midjourney Ai, except the original Maslow’s Hierarch Pyramid which is widely available

*Opinions are my own, and subject to change. Please feel free to politely disagree or contribute in the comments below.

*This guide is produced for free to try to help people select events that are going to be of the most benefit to them. Please help support this non commercial website by buying some merch or the book