Really bad approaches

This one is an ode to the single girls.  The unicorns; prized, fetishized, misunderstood and dehumanised.  You deal daily with a stream of objectification that would crack a Spartan warrior’s spirit, yet remain your amazing, individual and wonderful selves.  I shall love you always.

Couples and single guys, please note the calibre of your competition.

*Some have been recreated, but the conversations are all real, and are from myself and single girls I know personally.

iphone-A3Ud

Because what girl doesn’t love to hear about your pornographic sexual conquests with other women? We are just walking holes to some people.

 

text1

How to get in there first with a dick pic and ensure the coffee date you just arranged will never ever take place.

 

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Because, clearly, the only thing standing between you and sex with every girl on earth is your girlfriend’s permission to play away.  If you can see cleavage, it’s fine to skip the pleasantries; having boobs is the international symbol for ‘up for random sex,’ apparently.

 

text3

A dick pic to a random contact you find on your KIK and have never spoken to. Entertaining ice breaker?  No, not really.

 

 

text4

Try saving your messages and not sending the same ones over and over.  And listening to the response your intended gives you.

 

 

text5

Because over 30’s are strictly for sex.  Obviously.  #cougar

 

 

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Opening up to this flasher monologue was not enticing me to meet them

 

 

iphone-83Ud

Perhaps he thought it sounded mysterious?

 

 

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Opening with a sexual question and then sticking a brag in should really get them interested, right?

 

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‘You’re.’

 

 

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Clearly quite the conversationalist.

 

 

texta6

Because what girl doesn’t want to be loved for her big black booty?

 

texta8

‘Went’ is great.  Who could resist a guy who wants to pimp you out to his random friend?

 

 

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Because all great relationships start with a guy looking for a ‘cum dump’.  I bet he’s going to be really smooth in person.

 

texta10

Are they pimping me some big ass slut boys?  What does that even mean?

 

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Any ‘bareback breeding slags’ looking for an anonymous misogynistic stranger to father their offspring?  No. Thought not.

 

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Wonder if he also feels that way about his Momma?

 

These openers really are a sad indictment of society, and in many cases, the education system.  If a woman is on a swinger site, it means she enjoys having sex with a selection of the very finest, most attractive and interesting men (and women).  That she is liberated enough to own her femininity and sexuality, and confident enough to expand her horizons beyond the archaic social regulations set down by society.  Why this should mean that some people think she’s a walking sex toy, willing to do anything with anyone, or even some sort of sub-human being to be exposed to verbal abuse, slander and pictures of your genitals on an hourly basis, is unclear.

If these approaches are even vaguely like yours, reconsider your strategy.  Send a picture of your face, not your dick, and get your mother to proofread it before you send.  Not comfortable with that thought?  Then she’s not going to want to see it either.

Feel like you need a shower?  There will be more to come.  Probably in an hour or so. Welcome to the inbox of a single girl on the swing scene.

Getting your partner to agree to a threesome

There are quite a few pieces already written on this, but I’m going to try to break it down for you.  Assuming you are with a partner in some sort of exclusive arrangement, and have met them via the vanilla world, it can be a worrying issue to bring up.  If you are not exclusive, or met them via the swing or sex scene, you will likely be less concerned about how to discuss it.  As women tend to feel more secure in raising the issue of adding a spare F for sex, this will mostly be discussed from the male perspective.  This is not to say women are not the instigators:  In a large number of couples, it is the woman who spearheads the conversation and is the more active unicorn hunter.  These women just don’t really need advice on how to go about it.

There are a few different angles you need to consider, for which there may be trade-offs to negotiate:

What you want

You may have an idea in your head about what it is you are looking for, but how well formed is it?  What are the main criteria?  Are you looking to explore new sexual adventures with your partner?  Tick a box off your sexual bucket list?  Have you always wanted a two-girl blowjob?  Do you fantasise about seeing your partner with another woman?  Are you wishing for an ongoing polyamorous relationship?  Do you just want an excuse to have sex with other people without getting in trouble?  If you can be honest with yourself first about what it is you are really hoping for, you can approach the endeavour with better clarity, and make choices about how and if to approach your partner.  It will also help when you come to look for a unicorn.

What your partner wants

You may have an idea in your head about your partner’s sexual likes, adventurous nature and how secure they feel to explore with you, or allow you to explore.  This is not necessarily the whole picture.  Just as you have settled into a comfortable pattern with her, she has settled into one with you.  Disrupting the status quo can be scary, and if you are vague about your reasons or what you want, they may react with anger or sadness based on being made suddenly insecure or feeling less valued.  For this reason, it is worth finding out more about your partner’s thoughts before asserting your own.  This is not always a simple thing, as many women have a tendency to say what they think you want to hear, and are acutely aware that they will be judged much more harshly as a woman and categorised as a slut if they express anything beyond mono vanilla desires. You’ll need to pick your time and context for discussion well, and make sure it feels like a safe space for her to open up.  If your relationship is new, on rocky ground or you’ve made her feel less than adored so far, expect a fiery response.

What your relationship needs

There are as many types of relationship as there are people.  Assuming a chance to play around on the swing scene is a lower priority to you than maintaining your current relationship, you need to set aside your own aspirations for a moment and examine what it is your relationship, as it stands, actually needs.  Do you spend adequate quality time together?  Do you have shared goals you are working towards?  How will swinging fit in with them?  Is doing this going to affect the way you view each other, and if so is it going to be positive or negative?  How can you protect what you already have?

What you need to capture a unicorn

I’ve put this last, as it’s usually considered last.  Assuming all the other considerations go swimmingly, you may well find you have negotiated a situation in which you have reduced your potential unicorn pool to practically zero.  Though the wishes for yourself, your partner and your relationship may be the foremost considerations in your own mind, they are of no benefit or relevance to her.  It is at this point, you may find you have to go back to the drawing board, and establish whether what you have to offer her is really of any interest.  ‘A chance to play about with me and my missus for hot sex’ really isn’t going to cut it.  Oddly, your girlfriend, who may be really up for the notion of playing as the primary female, is likely to completely forget how she herself would have responded in the shoes of a single female to that same offer.  If you are looking for an ongoing relationship or friendship with an intended unicorn, treat her that way.  If you are looking to hunt her down for one off sex and show off your sexual prowess as a couple, you’re going to have to show her you are both really something special.

Having considered these angles, and formulated in your own mind whether this is something that could work for you, your partner, your relationship and indeed the reality of finding your spare F, you come to the point of deciding how best to go about the first steps.  There is nothing wrong with deciding not to proceed.  It’s not obligatory to have a threesome, now or ever.  In fact, if you are trying to do it for the wrong reasons, even if you succeed in ticking the box, it’s going to be a shambles.  For you, it may be best to remain a fantasy.  You and your partner may enjoy watching threesome porn, talking about what it would be like with each other, reading erotic fiction about it.  Nothing spoils a nice fantasy like a healthy dose of reality.  You’ve been warned.  You may be quite happy to use the concept as arousal material without ever doing it for real.  And that is okay.

So what methods can you use to raise the threesome question with your partner?

a) Extremely casually and indirectly

Talk about your individual sexual fantasies.  Play a couples card game with a truth or dare theme. Watch a documentary about swinging.  Read an article about it.  Discuss friends you know who swing (I guarantee you, you will have some who do, whether or not you realise it).  Ask her opinion on it.  Don’t let your fear of how she might respond come across as a negative attitude to it, or she will follow your lead and say what she thinks you expect her to.  Discuss it as an interesting social phenomenon.  The history of monogamy and multiple partners.  The difference between sex and love.  The nature of bisexuality in women.  Is it something she has ever experienced?  Thought about?  You are going to have to take cues from how she responds to direct your angle appropriately. It may be better to bring it up again at another time, or drop it for good.  If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider what it is you value more at present.   If she is honest, avoid being resentful.  After all, you asked her opinion.  She may have not considered it before, or thought you wouldn’t be interested.  She may take some time and change her mind in the future, if she has an idea that it’s something you might have a casual, non-threatening interest in trying.  After all, if a woman loves you, she wants to do things for you to make you happy.

b) Straight up and direct

It may be that you have a very open, honest dynamic already, or that you are very much used to taking the lead in your relationship, including sexually.  If this is the case, you are going to have a relatively easy time in directing her to what you are hoping to try next. In some ways, this can be quite freeing for the woman- she is spared any sense that she will be judged for what she does- after all, it was all your idea.  In this format, be careful to be specific about what it is you do and don’t want.  For example, you may say you don’t want her to have sex with any other men (limiting your own frolics with full-swap couples too) or that you want to take her to a sex party and just be together with each other, in a sexy environment.  If you are clear about the limits of what you want at the moment, it will be less worrying for her.  Most women have at least a small element of jealousy and insecurity inside them, that you don’t want to trigger.  It is not unknown for men to go off with a unicorn they shared with their partner and start a new relationship. She will intuitively be aware of this.  If you start out with something simple and non-threatening, you can always discuss going further another time, after you have both had a little experience of the scene and opportunity to process your feelings about it.

c) Make it about her

This really isn’t going to work unless she has at least a little bit of sexual curiosity and some latent bisexual leanings.  It’s a tad manipulative, and if your girlfriend isn’t game for it in herself, it’s going to backfire.  In this mode, you present yourself as really wanting to go further to please her.  To worship her sexually.  To help her fulfil her own fantasies.  Be warned, she may end up wanting something you didn’t intend, like a cuckold situation or a threesome with 2 men.  If this is the case, there’s not much you can do about it.  Pandora’s box is open, and you asked for it.  Whatever you do, don’t try to mix this approach with approach D, or it will come off as horribly insincere and she will think you are a manipulative, lying dickhead.

d) Play her

If you have a relationship where your woman is a bit insecure, you can use this to your advantage.  I’m not recommending this method because:

i) You need to work on your relationship first, and swinging will likely break it apart

ii) She’s likely to go along with it without wanting to, which will cause her pain, and the unicorns will sense her reticence, which will put them off

iii) There’s enough sociopathic behaviour on the scene already.

iv) There’s potential for drama creation when it comes to the meet/party, and I hate drama.

Nonetheless, here’s how you do it.  You use a little reverse psychology.  Bring up the issue of threesomes and how sexually hot it is, but that’s okay that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s a ‘nice girl’.  It’s a shame you won’t get to have one while you’re with her, but that’s OKAY, as she has some other qualities.  Like being a good cook.  Being organised.  It’s OKAY that you guys will never be Bonnie and Clyde, out hunting women together and having that fun, exciting sexual connection together.  Sometimes you have to trade off having fun sex for a relaxing home life.

Obviously, she will immediately object to being cast as a matronly, non-sexual archetype, and seek to prove you wrong- that she can, indeed, be all the things you want and more. Because that, my baby ducklings, is what women do.  They want to be your everything. Your friend, your hot lover, your solace, your domestic Goddess.  They want you to be all things to them as well.  Basically, she will do it in order to prove herself, and because she doesn’t want to lose you.  Longer term, this will actually probably lead you to lose all respect for her and go elsewhere anyway, but this isn’t a tutorial on relationships.

Other options

If you really don’t feel like you can raise the issue any of these ways, or you do it and your partner is not up for it, you need to consider how important achieving a threesome is to you.  If it really is do or die, then you are going to have to do one of the following:

a) Cheat.

Yup.  Of the many ‘single guys’ on the scene, a lot of them are playing without permission.  If this seems a step to far and your missus is understanding but not remotely bi, then you may be able to get her to agree to giving you a hall pass.  This might be for a week or month, or indefinitely.  There are likely to be conditions attached to it, as to what you may and may not do without her.  If you violate these terms, it really is just the same as cheating (in her eyes), so be careful to what you agree to and make sure it’s realistic.  By imposing terms, it allows her to feel a sense of control about what is happening, and compartmentalise it.  If you violate the terms, she will feel not only cheated on, but that you broke the rules WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO SO. Somehow, that is actually worse.

b) Break up

If your sexual tastes are really so very different, then you need to consider that this is an aspect of incompatibility that is unlikely to change, however well suited you might feel you are otherwise.  If anything, the sex will get worse and more boring.  It always does. Breaking up because you want to explore your sexuality does not make you a dickhead. It is a fair and legitimate reason, whatever people might say.  Some journeys, you can take together.  Some, you really can’t.  If you really want to swing with a partner, go on the scene as a single guy and choose a woman who swings.  There are loads of them, most of whom are seeking a long term partner they can swing with, but are happy to ‘try before they buy’.  Short term partnerships can be fun too, and just as intense as anything you’ve encountered in the vanilla world.  Swinging as a single guy is, in many ways, easier than as a couple, provided you make some single female friends.  Treat them nicely and they will be the gatekeeper to a world of adventures for you.  Piss them off and you’ll struggle.  The unicorns are not solitary creatures; when you meet one, you meet a whole hive of connections.  Bear this in mind.

At the end of the day, you are in the best place to judge how your partner will respond, and what method will work with her.  There is no point resenting her or trying to pressure her into something if it’s not what she wants.  How would you feel if she was trying to pressure you into sex with another man?  Having said that, a great number of women are at least slightly bicurious, and may be happy to say, kiss another woman and stroke her breasts in front of you.  For some reason, a lot of women imagine that performing oral on another woman will be disgusting.  Fortunately, with very few exceptions, it tastes like chicken, and a darn sight better than the taste of cock.  Women are also generally quite understanding that men have a biological drive to conquer and spread their seed – to have sex with different types of women.  No woman believes she can be all of them for you, though she might wish to.  Generally, women are just happy to know that you like her the best, above and beyond all others.  That you find her hot, above and beyond all others.  That she has a special sacrosanct place somewhere in your heart.  They relish the opportunity to fill a new role with you, as your partner in crime having secret sexual adventures together, and being this amazingly fun, sexual being for you.  Your reticence isn’t that you are asking for something unreasonable- it is your fear of asking wrong and upsetting her, or your fear that you are, in at least some small part, doing it just to get guilt-free sex with other women.  The more you can consider things from her perspective and present it as a joint enterprise for you both to enjoy, the better it will go down.  And going down well is always a fine thing indeed. 😉

Time for that chat, Baby Ducklings xx

Image by CDN.Psychologytoday.com

Unicorn interviews 5: The BDSM unicorn

So, what brought you to the scene originally?
It’s one of those things where you can look back and go, ‘oh yeah, those adverts from the sixties that are horribly sexist, with some housewife being spanked because she bought the wrong coffee…’ I remember being fascinated by them, I mean I couldn’t have described it, and I couldn’t have told you that that was what was interesting, but I do remember that there was something fascinating about it. I’ve always had quite vanilla partners, and there’s only so far you can push people, when it’s not their thing. Also without feeling like you are doing it wrong somehow.  Since my late teens when people started to talk about it, I knew what I had to do was different, and I knew I was getting it wrong. Because, you know, nice girls stay at home, and there’s all that kind of attitude still, so I just figured I had to tone it down a little and keep quiet, and do the normal thing.
How long have you been on the scene for?
I’m pretty new to the scene. It’s been about three or four months. Scary!
What are your observations so far?
For me, it was definitely s feeling of finding my tribe. So for me it’s been a very comfortable thing.  Also I haven’t come to it at 21, which for me I think has been a good thing.  I’ve come at a point where I’m really comfortable with this, because it is what I enjoy and I’m finding good people to enjoy it with, and friends, and the social scene, and all that side of it as well, which I think is important.  It’s not just I did this, or I did them. But its the whole kind of environment.  And I think that’s kind of essential. I don’t know if I’d have been as comfortable, or as confident in my early 20’s.
Which venues do you like the most?
I haven’t been around that long, so a limited amount. Torture Garden was my entry in, which I think it probably is for quite a few people. It’s fun there. And I love dress up in any way, shape or form. I have given drawers full of underwear and things that have had limited view time, so I think that’s actually..I know people get a bit snobby about it? Especially on the kink side? Kink light- in inverted commas. Actually I think there’s room for that kind of thing. It’s a damn good club night, with everything involved. Having said that, now I’ve kind of -about to say progressed. I’m not sure it is- but I’ve just ventured out.  I like DVS. Good nights there. It’s very newbie friendly. Can’t say I’ve done masses of events. I like Subversion Noir. That was, that was actually- I think I was a bit terrified of going.
So do you just do the BDSM events, or the swing ones too?
So I’ve done that night which was between the two. I’d say it was more swing oriented. I’ve been less confident about going to the swing stuff on my own. I think, because the impression I got, from random conversation and people’s impression of it, and also just because my initial exploration was around the BDSM side, having said that, I’ve every intention of going to Le Boudoir. That’s great, and I’m very comfortable.
They do have a dungeon downstairs too.
For me it’s not all or nothing. You know what I mean? It’s not that there’s any…some people like it isn’t..I totally respect it. Great, enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy. It’s like some people are into rope and that’s their thing, and that’s their only thing. Great! Enjoy. I like the variety.
How do you find people’s approaches have been? Have you had mostly single men, or couples approach, girls?
Yeah. It’s been more, I’d say.. so I’m on Fet**, and that’s how I got into it. So that is a lot of single guys. A lot with one line. You could do a course on that- how to write something! There’s a girl’s group that we’ve got- just a chat group- and we do actually regularly talk- there will be guys who scatter-gun copy and paste to basically the entire group. Now I have no problem, it’s a swinging site. It’s not about being a special snowflake, and that kind of thing. But girls talk! And it’s just entertaining. Especially when you see it across 14 different girls, you think ‘well, you’ve been busy’.
Does it make you feel less special?
Yeah. But I mean I didn’t come into it looking for a relationship, so I think that makes a big difference. So I think if what you want is a one to one, then you’re going to – a one to one partnership and you might swing, or a partnership where you get into kink and BDSM and that side of things, I think that’s actually harder, because it’s intrinsically a very open and very play-oriented place. There is a bit of an assumption that you’ll be up to it with everyone.
So you think it’s a good scene for singles, as opposed to couples?
Um, I think it depends what you want. I think if what you want is a relationship, that’s harder. I’ve fallen into one, which I wasn’t expecting at all, and wasn’t what I was looking for. We decided last week to call ourselves ‘dating’, we are not monogamous, because I think that would fail miserably, especially on my side. I’m probably more on the poly side than he is. We are taking it slowly and seeing how it goes. But I wasn’t looking for that. That wasn’t something that I went in for.
Do you think the two of you will be picking up single girls together?
Not at this stage. See it’s funny, because I’ve played with couples and I really enjoy it. That wasn’t something I went in thinking I had a particular…I like the idea of two guys, I didn’t have a particular thing in my head for a couple. But actually not just a guy and a girl- but a couple- where they’ve got a dynamic they’ve built: that place – there’s something about that I really enjoy When they are really comfortable with it.
So you are a true unicorn?
Yeah. And I didn’t know I – I mean it’s a term that sound’s nice. I’ll show you something because it will make you laugh – I did find a unicorn T shirt that I didn’t buy at TK Maxx because it’s a stupid amount of money for what it was, but I did take photos of it because I found it entertaining. Yeah, it’s all things. I’m Bi in the sense that I’m sexually attracted to women, I’ve never had a relationship with a woman- but I would have no particular problem- I have gone on dates with them – so for me there’s something about the couple dynamic that’s really attractive to me, if they’re in it together. I’ve had an experience where I was definitely the tick-list of ‘I’ve now slept with a woman’, and that was rather enjoyable! But it was early stages and you live and learn anyway, and make clearer what’s okay for you as well. That’s part of why I’m glad I didn’t come into it at 21, where I’d have felt like hell, and probably felt hugely insecure and horrible about the whole thing. This was like ‘Oh, okay’. Not something I’d do again. Not something I’m prepared to be again, but it’s not the end of the world.
So the couples that you decided to meet with- what was it that made you choose them out of all the, presumably, hundreds and hundreds, you get?
To be honest, they’ve been accidental for the most part. My first couple was before I came out on the scene. I was in America; in Miami, in a club, hammered. And a couple picked me up. It was totally unexpected. I would never in a million years have thought it, and I had a really good time. That was part of that whole kind of route into the scene. It is what I enjoy, and kind of- why am I not at least trying it to know? So the couple stuff has- I think it’s much trickier with messaging. I’m much more wary about it. It’s much harder just in terms of time. Finding time to meet people, finding time to meet a couple. Seeing if you get on with both of them. At events, it’s very comfortable. Because obviously you’re not trying to date them. You’re you know, it’s kind of an intrinsic thing. The downside of that is, for me it’s more about them – the couple, so I’m very aware of not pushing beyond boundaries that are clear it’s okay for me to go there? And obviously if you meet a couple after you, you can kind of expand those boundaries and its comfortable, and playful I suppose.
When do you think couples should talk about their boundaries, if they’ve decided on any?
I think they should have a good discussion. Because what it means, particularly if you are involving the BDSM side of it, it could have no sexual play, give or take. I have been in that position of not knowing ‘well can I kiss someone?’ or…it’s very much, for the most part, guys have no problem with you kissing their girlfriends, they are really fine with that! But then is she okay with me kissing him? That kind of thing. So for me, it’s a lot more attractive if they know where they stand, and the last thing I ever want to do is mess around someone else’s relationship. If it’s not right, don’t do it. Don’t do it because it’s on a website, or because it’s the thing you’re supposed to do to show you love them. You don’t. And if it is, what that would look like, is going to be different for everyone. I’m just starting to think, ‘well that’s something I have to think about’, dating someone. What am I comfortable with? I don’t entirely know. Some of that is, I guess, the person you’re with at the time and people you’re with, and keep talking about it?
Why do you think most couples have so much trouble finding a unicorn and closing the deal?
I think partly it is kind of intimidating coming into a couple’s dynamic. You know, if you’re in a good relationship, you’re a couple. As someone who likes that side of it, I quite like being fairly objectified- I like being the object of play, that’s fun for me. But it could mean that I could end up feeling very alone at the end of it, if I wasn’t comfortable, if things didn’t go the right way. If they just decided, ‘oh we don’t want to do this now,’ because they’re a couple then it makes a different kind of unit? So I think if you’re single then there’s a bit of an awareness of that. Also, you’ve got to be attracted to both of them. Both physically and who they are- because if you’re into the BDSM side rather than just the swinging side, then you’ve also got that element. Do you fit? Are the things that you like the same?
Do you find the treatment you get from people on the BDSM scene and the swing scene, in terms of couples, is quite different? Are there expectations?
Again, I can’t pretend to have any sort of expertise, partly because I’ve only had limited experience, and my swinging experience has been more sex stuff rather than couples, so I don’t know if I can give a really good answer to that. I’d say there’s a bit of a difference around the concept. So BDSM tends to be a lot more ‘ask first,’ you know, ‘what do you like, what’s okay?’ I think there is a little bit sometimes that the couples look for someone who is comfortable, or wants to do the things that maybe one of them doesn’t, or one of them would like to try. So if someone wants to try the cane and the other half isn’t into it, it’s okay doing it on someone else. whereas swinging isn’t like that. It’s more of a threesome, in that respect. But it’s a bit more ‘consent implied?’ Obviously you could say no at any time, and obviously that’s fine. It feels like a conversation. You don’t have a specific conversation before you start anything, of ‘where can I touch you, what are the no go areas,’ that kind of thing.
If you had a few top tips to give to a couple who decided to do this, and were totally new to it, what would you tell them? What is your main advice, from your experience?
Be really honest with yourselves about what it is you actually want. I mean it’s a nice thing, it’s like ‘I’m bored, we want another girl to play with’ – but to do what? Because if you know what you want, you’re much more likely to find someone who’s into a similar thing. And how that would work. And just kind of the basics, I mean can you accommodate, and a certain amount of reassurance about being normal human beings with lives and all that kind of thing. Because I think sometimes you can get caught up in this myth of who you have to be, and it’s …everyone has profiles.. it’s no different from the Instagram thing, everyone is showing a version of themselves, so it’s okay to, particularly if you are looking for something regular. I do things – I went to an event, which was very couple heavy. It’s a new one. And actually I think if you’re a newbie couple in general, it would be a really good type of thing. You’ve got singles and couples, it’s quite couple heavy, so it’s not just ‘you as a couple and a load of single people going, “Hey do you want me to play?”‘
That does tend to be a common scenario
I can see from that point of view as well, if you’re that couple, it’s very hard not to feel like you’re being predatory I’d have thought, even if you’re not, because it’s two against one, automatically. I do think there’ s something where it’s easier, and I’m saying this obviously because I’m bi and I love it too, it’s probably easier if women chat. But be really aware that someone might not like both of you. It think that’s just kind of…
Do you think couples should be more willing to split off?
Honestly, only if it’s a really good thing for them, I don’t think they should do it for the sake of ‘yeah there’s someone else,’ and I have heard stories from people where they’ve tried to get either the guy or the girl has approached them as a single person, and pulled them in as a dating thing, and then gone ‘oh, we’d like to introduce you,’ and actually introduce their actual partner.
Yes.
It’s a nasty thing to do.
I’ve got a blog post on that! (How to fool a unicorn: The Silver Bullet)
It’s one of those things where you’re just like, ‘that’s a lot a) that’s a lot of work, b) that’s a really shitty thing to do to someone. Don’t do that!
It’s very often tried and very rarely done well. If it’s done well, you literally never know.
Seems like a lot of effort. I mean, I like straight talking. It’s one of the things I really like about both sides of the scene. It’s the straightforward honesty. I’m looking for sex. I’m looking for kink. I’m looking for someone to play with. I’m looking for someone to be my partner for ever. Or one of my multiple partners. And I really like this. It’s actually something, in more vanilla life is..amiss. I like it very direct, but I think an element of that would help most people’s relationships. That kind of ‘well what do I actually want?’ and the ability to say it. And if it’s not right for both of you then it’s not, and people have emotional egos and all that kind of thing, and egos get bruised I think. It’s also a reality sometimes you will get rejected, and it sucks. Even if it’s just on a night out, you know. That sucks. And that’s part of it. If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s kind of okay? No-one is going to be the right thing for everyone every time. It still sucks when it’s someone you quite like and, you know. Or everyone else seems to be getting it right and getting it together, and you’re like ‘Sigh. I’ll just go home then’. You know. I think there’s that side of it, which can be missed, because we are talking about all the wonderful swinging times we’re having, and they are. They’re great! I really enjoy myself. But, you know. You’ll always get an ebb and flow. I think whether you are a couple or single, the key is knowing what you actually want and why. If you’re not sure, wait. Find it because it’s right, not just because you have to tick it off a list. It’s not going to be great. And not everything’s for everyone.

**Fetlife website

Image from https://www.pinterest.co.uk/bobbiesteuart/shoes/?lp=true

Fab Swingers app as a single female

Following the Feeld review, I’ve started doing reviews of the different apps with regards to MFF potential.  No such enterprise could be complete without FABS.  To be fair, it’s not my first crack at this app.  I set up a new profile at midnight on this fine Monday, listing myself as a single female and asking for quotes to develop the blog in my profile. My picture, which takes a while to be approved, is only of my feet, but I currently sit as a grey silhouette while it’s moderated. So far, I have had 13 messages from guys, couples and a transvestite, including 5 unsolicited dick pics (if we also count the profile pics showing naked dicks).  The time is 00:07.  Nobody read the profile properly.

This is the downside to FABS as a single female- it is almost a victim of its own success. Pretty much everybody who wants casual sex, of any kind, in any place, is on it.  The single guys (and couples) on it who message prolifically are completely indiscriminate. Penises from Aberdeen, the USA, Cornwall, all clutter your inbox in picture form.  After a week or so of receiving literally hundreds of poorly thought-out and executed copy-and-paste mass-mailings a day on it, most girls will leave or, more prudently, change the filters of who can message them.  This makes it appear that there are very few girls when you try to search.  This is not actually the case, they are just hiding.

Single guys complain that on FABS they never have girls message them.  In fact, they complain that mostly it is other men messaging them, trying to turn them gay.  I’ve no idea if this has ever succeeded as a pick-up method, but it seems at least as likely a way of getting sex as opening with a dick pic to a random girl.

So, among all this, what is the point?  Fab Swingers actually has some great functionality. It’s free to use (with optional upgrades to access features that make life a bit easier) and you’ve good odds of accessing at least 95% of the casual sex partners available in your area.  It has forums.  It has verification features, so people can establish you genuine, and even write a little review on you (performance or otherwise).  It has options to update your status, add photos (public or private), save people as friends, chat on forums, and 2 really good features which I will highlight:

  1. The search function.  Are you looking for a 34 year old transsexual in Milton Keynes? Fab will find you one.  A non-smoking single bisexual girl who’s looking for a meet today in your town and can accommodate? Yup, that’s all searchable too. They don’t have to match with you for you to send a message, but whether you ever get a reply is another matter.  It happens sometimes.  I’ve replied to a few people on there, and even met with them.  They’ve been perfectly normal and good looking, although it really has been a needle in a haystack search.  The odds are good, but the goods are odd, as they say.  I think the deciding factors were that they had face pictures, were polite and didn’t show me their penis until we’d at least met.
  2. The Meets and Events function.  As a fledgling initiate of swing, you will rapidly find that one of the most efficient and cost effective ways for you to obtain a high success ratio is to get yourself in with a good social circle of like-minded people. Meeting people here and there is all well and good, but they are scattered about on different sites and it’s easy to lose contact before ever really getting yourself in with them as a friend.  Whether you feel ready to host an event (which we will discuss in another post) or just want to be invited along, being on FAB is a great place to start. There are parties, there are socials, there are private events and meets that you can approach the organisers about (who will often have a designated profile just for their parties).  Because of the verification system and the surprisingly small world the scene can be, you are rapidly likely to become someone who ‘somebody that’s going’ knows.  Failing all else, it’s a great way to just keep in touch with a wide circle of people you’ve met on your sexual adventures, but perhaps don’t feel the need to add to your Facebook.

Overall value? Definitely one for your social swinger arsenal.

Feeld as a single female

Dating apps have come a long way.  For every niche interest, there seems to be one.  Or ten.  A few days ago, I joined Feeld as a single female.  Lest you think I was performing some sort of seductive trickery, allow me to clarify.  My profile picture was an overexposed silhouette of my face with shades on in the sunshine, so I’m glowing like a featureless alien.  My profile states exactly what I’m doing there.

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In less than 12 hours, I had over 1800 ‘curiosities’ (people waiting to match with me).  A couple of days later, I’m up to 2881.  Every person I swiped right on was an instant match.  I got up to 65 active matches before it became too unwieldy to manage the conversations.  Sorry to those who got frustrated and left before I could speak to them, I’d need a whole team of secretaries to stay on top of the apparent 10-30 minute window of expectation many had of a reply.  As a good and wise friend of mine said recently, ‘It’s fine to be intense, but you can still be rational.’

The first evening, I select a cute but inappropriately young single guy from the matches and we meet for a discussion.  We talk a bit about the app and he says there are hardly any single women on it.  Indeed, though I selected my matches indiscriminately from all categories as they appeared, I did not match with one single girl.  He says there are perhaps 20 single girls within his realistic travelling area.  I can believe it.  In addition to the disproportionate number of couples and single guys on other sex apps, Feeld is clearly aimed at unicorn hunting.  The number of single girls who actively seek this out is very low.  The girls who want this are usually pretty busy fielding their abundant prospects elsewhere.

The system of the app makes it difficult to identify whether someone has just matched with you or has sent a message, and the message reading system has some bugs in it that stop them showing unless you go in and out of the app repeatedly.  I thought this might be my phone, but many of the other users said the same.  There were a limited number of search options in terms of preferences, and limited required details for each profile. As rather an Amazonian, it would be helpful, for example, to specify men over my own height (a bit of a rarity).  You can set proximity, age range and type of profile.  That’s pretty much it.  There’s no search function by name or for friends, despite having the option to put your matches into groups.  So though I had some nice prospects I might have liked to share with my unicorn circle, I had no hope of actually finding them and putting anything together.

On the plus side, there are a huge number of very attractive single men on there- and furthermore men who are game for something more interesting than standard vanilla sex.  If you are a single girl seeking a hot single guy for MFF or kink, it’s an absolute treasure trove.  They tend to state their interests in little bubbles on the profile pages (which unfortunately you can’t search by), but you can rapidly see if your cute single guy is likely to press your buttons, and there’s no awkward ‘at what point do I bring this up so as to not waste time but also not be categorised as a voracious slut’ moment, like with many other apps.

Conclusion:  Guys and couples looking for a single girl are likely to struggle.  Kinky or swinger girls are likely to feel like they’ve struck oil.  So when you are having a Bonnie Tyler moment, and wondering where all the good men have gone, have a look on Feeld. That’s where they went.

 

Happy hunting, my baby ducklings!  xx

Metamorphosis isn’t just for unicorns

The reason we actually even started to think about expanding on our sexual experiences was somewhat random.  I was out with a gay friend in heaven and I got approached by a woman.  While flattered, I was too embarrassed and decided to decline, but it made me think a lot.  We spoke about the experience and discussed whether we would like to try a mff- we decided to give it a go but I think our attitude was more that we wanted to have an experience and didn’t really consider the other person.  I think we were probably very selfish.

We began to look on things like Craig’s List and a few other websites but got nowhere until we stumbled across KK.  We began to try and message women, but again I remember it was all about us looking for someone to fulfil our fantasy, rather than a meeting of equals…which obviously is just horrible.  I think what really made us realise what this is all about was ultimately meeting people and understanding that it is about building a relationship with someone, understanding what each person wants from the experience and then deciding if there is a mutual need.  I think that is very similar when you are single, or part of a couple or a threesome.  We can all be selfish but ultimately when you realise the needs of others then the whole experience is much more fulfilling.

The thought process has completely changed how we interacted with people, be it at a party, messages or in meetings, and has allowed us to build much stronger connections, which on occasion has led to really amazing meetings.  When we speak to women, often we hear that couples are just interested in their fantasy (which was where we started out), which is not fair on her.  She is there for her fantasy too.  Being open about this has lead to many interesting conversations with people.

Ultimately, meeting women who are interested in couples is tough, but then meeting anyone who you click with is tough.  Having a very strong appreciation of her, and not thinking of her just as a fantasy for your relationship, is really what is important in ultimately meeting and finding someone.  We just now speak to people, find about about them and then see if it goes anywhere.  I would say that most still go nowhere, but then we are happy with that as we probably wouldn’t have connected.

Female half of Nolan No.9, 20’s, Couple with over 1 year’s experience

 

Just as unicorns unknowingly embark on a journey of transformation throughout their time, so too do couples.  Nobody who makes the conscious decision to set out and create a MFF with their partner for the first time does so with an exact understanding of how best to achieve it.  In any situation of social uncertainty, it is easiest to retreat to that which we know well and are comfortable with.  We focus on our desires, the feelings of our partner about things, we dwell on the aspects we enjoy and feel supported with, and shy away from difficult terrain.

We sit there and scroll through single girl pictures together and window shop.  We write a couples’ profile together, where we take turns to talk about how much we love and value each other.  How special our partner is.  How hot we find them.  How we definitely, definitely, don’t want to risk that.  Just so people know.  So they are warned.  So our partner feels safe.  We talk together about our limits, and hopes, and boundaries, and code words, and vetoes.  We are definitely working as a team.  And what a fun, sexy hobby we have together!  Bonnie and Clyde! We aren’t having much luck for some reason, when we try to pin the girls down to meet us, but hey, that’s just the way it is and we are having fun while reassuring each other.  This is phase one.  Many people never get beyond this.  They give up and find a different hobby, or worse yet trudge on the same way forever, because they aren’t prepared to step out of their comfort zone.

To move forward, as with any new activity you are trying, you need to accept that whatever handy skills you have in other areas, you aren’t a born black-belt at this. Nobody is.  From the learned pick-up artist to the natural charmer, you will have to find a way to open your mind and grow your skill-set a little.  You need to be ready to go on a journey too.  It’s not a ‘decide/goal-achieved’ endeavour, much as porn may tell you otherwise.  You can’t just pick up your ideal unicorn at a shop, tick a box and move on, feeling like a champion.  Odds are, that to achieve it at all, you are going to have to be prepared to learn how to do it right.  It’s going to take not just time, but letting down some defences about how you view yourself, and the willingness to risk trying things a new way.

Assuming that your unicorn hunting quest isn’t a fleeting idea, and that you and your partner trust each other, this can be as much of a bonding experience as the act of attending a party together or picking up a girl itself.  You are going to work on each other’s skills, and allow each other to experiment and grow.  Not just sexually, but by opening your minds to switch your point of view, from that of what you want to get, to showing that which you have to give.

If you are both good looking, fit, a good height, intelligent, charming and outgoing, these are characteristics that will certainly work in your favour, however alone they are never going to be enough.  In addition to everything you ever thought you knew about finding sex as a single person, you are going to have to learn how to alter your modus operandi, probably in effect since you were a teenager, to understand all the additional factors and dynamics that come into play when you are seeking casual sex with a unicorn.  Basically, you need to understand all the aspects that can put her off.  Let’s break these down.

  1. Physical – simplest one ever.  Either you or your partner are not her type.  It’s a one off, she’s not likely to get any of the benefits of your other fine qualities.  She’s got a lot of choice.  Do your best with looks but don’t sweat it too much.  Not everyone is always equally sexually attracted to each other.
  2. Hassle factor– Consider what you are asking of her in order to meet.  Is she going to have to travel far, have a back up hotel room in case you don’t gel? Is she going to want to have to pay out for that (in addition to all the waxing, new knickers and standard lady prep?) Are you offering her a nice event to look forward to, or is she viewing this as another thing to have to fit in to her cluttered schedule?  Are you making it an all or nothing sex meet, or is there a low key social meet you could do first?  You probably wouldn’t expect a single woman to meet you one-on-one and have sex straight away.   That’s a lot of pressure. Is there an easy-out for her if she doesn’t feel the vibe or decides to be friends?
  3. The dynamic between you and your partner – This is always going to be a tricky one.  You have a natural day to day dynamic, you are comfortable with your partner and that’s always going to be a safe place for you to hide in when you feel nervous.   You also want to reassure your partner and check they are okay at all times. If you stick together like glue, won’t stop holding hands, or basically carry on in a way that says you are such a tight unit that all others are excluded, then your vibe will put your unicorn off very quickly.  Sitting or standing together in your pair without interacting with others, working together too tightly on text chats or making constant references to yourself as a unit (aren’t you still individuals?) are unconscious moves that you see all the time in newbie swing couples.  You need to stop it.  If you use nothing else from this, use this.
  4. You/your partner isn’t holding up his/her end – If you are fortunate enough to have gained the preliminary interest of a unicorn, she is considering having an experience with both of you.  If not, your MFF won’t be happening.  It is not acceptable for one of your pair to do all the talking and flirting, even if there is a difference in your social skills or levels of experience.  If it’s just one of you, the unicorn will get the impression that the chatty one is the driving force, and the other is just along for the (unwilling) ride.  Why would she think this?  Because it’s very often the case.  More often than not, especially with inexperienced couples, one is clearly doing it to please the other.  Whatever they may say, there is sadness in their eyes and dryness in their underwear.   They are clearly taking part as a prisoner of their own psychological needs, not their sexual ones.  It’s not nice for anybody, and a unicorn with even a small level of experience will walk away if she gets a hint of it.  Work as individuals to chat and flirt, so she knows you both want her.  Put all your focus on her, until you’ve completed your mission.  You can debrief with your partner tomorrow, whatever the result- this is your only chance to win your unicorn.
  5. You aren’t impressing your value on her – On the internet, there is a theoretical infinite number of couples she could choose from, over time.  At a party, you will still not have the advantage of being the rare part of the threesome to acquire; however it is reasonable to assume that she has come there in the hope of having fun sex with somebody before the night is out.  This means you have to demonstrate yourselves as her best choice (or perhaps top three, depending on her appetites).  Show up well dressed and full of energy, life and soul of the party.  Chat to all the couples, the staff, laugh, dance, really put your best foot forward and shine in the crowd.  Do it right from the start, first impressions count.  If your unicorn has met you privately, go full charm offensive and make sure she has the best night ever.
  6. You aren’t closing the deal – I always found this to be the trickiest part, probably because as a woman it’s not something you often have to do in the mono vanilla world.  If you find the chat drifting back to small talk, then up the flirting.  Initiate body contact (not groping!), express in your body language that you are sexual animals. A nice move is if you both initiate soft foreplay-style stroking and kissing, both focusing all your attention on your unicorn.  This leaves little doubt that you are both ready to go and happy to participate fully.  Don’t expect your unicorn to close the deal for you- but should it happen, feel free to jump at the chance.
  7. You are shoe-boxing her – Your unicorn wants to be seen, appreciated and respected for the individual she is. Don’t tell her what to wear, what she’s supposed to do that you’ve decided on together (if you have rules about something specific you don’t want, by all means discuss it with her, but this isn’t a business contract). She isn’t there to enact your precise fantasy or do what you say, she is there to enjoy the moment, as should you both be.  Surrender of control to sensation is all part of the heady mix that makes MFF so wonderful.  If you are dead set on an extremely specific set of actions and rules, it is better to hire an escort.

The more you practice different approaches and techniques, and the more you analyse what did and didn’t work with your partner afterwards, the faster your skills will progress and the more successful you will be.  By socialising with everyone on the scene, rather than just your unicorn targets, you also get to build a network of like-minded friends.  While you may not want to have sex with them, this is an excellent way to have friendly faces to chat to at the next event, boosting your confidence, and earning you invitations to private events.  The more at home you become, the better your game will be.  The more you can filter out distractions and anxieties caused by unfamiliar context, the more you can focus in on the fine details that make the crucial difference.  You can hone your skills, experiment with technique and evaluate your progress with a sharp eye.  Suddenly, you are not baby ducklings at this any more.  You know some things.  You can look back and see how far you’ve come since you took your first steps out of your initial mindset.  Your journey is well underway.

Hunting unicorns

Welcome to your new bible.

This series of blogs will tell you everything you need to know about how to up your game and capture the elusive spare F for fun, frolics and drama-free living.  We aren’t talking pick-up artist theory, or relationship advice. This guide is for one thing only: making you a premiere hunter for ‘MFF’- the fantasy threesome with two women.

Whether you are a couple or a single man or woman, your strategy is what will make or break your success rate.  It’s not about your looks, your age, your income, your ability or lack thereof in the vanilla dating world.   This is a different game altogether. And I will be your gracious guide.

This blog series will examine step by step the things you need to know and practice, to stop you from shooting yourself in the foot every time a prime unicorn comes by.  We will pull apart advice and anecdotes from unicorns, couples and single men, looking at the strategies that have worked for them and those that haven’t, gaining insight into the workings of the unicorn mind, utilising a wealth of knowledge from many decades worth of collective experience.

The scene is full of extremely attractive couples seeking unicorns, and there are very few true unicorns to be had. But these couples strike out a whole lot more than you might imagine- and it’s for a few really simple yet serious reasons.  With a slight shift of perspective, you can be cleaning up where all their shots are flying wide of the mark.  So settle in, sign up and prepare for your crash course in advanced unicorn hunting.

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