The stable and the freezer: new terms of modern dating everyone should be aware of

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The freezer:  A fictional place you are put when your romantic interest wishes to pursue someone else as a preference while reserving the right to pick up where they left off with you if it doesn’t work out. 

Tell-tale phrases:  ‘Let’s put a pin in this’, ‘I need some time to myself’, ‘I’m really busy’ and ‘I’ll get back to you.’

Classic trajectory:  After initial presentation as a possible available partner, good sex and what appears to be the development of mutual romantic feeling, the attention wanes, the person becomes dismissive and preoccupied, and appears to formulate plans to exclude you generally from seeing them.  Any further romantic progression stalls from them, and they will attempt to break it off nicely, call for a ‘break’, ‘time apart’ or occasionally level with you that they are now going to pursue someone else while wishing to remain ‘friends’.  They may just block you or stop replying altogether, though this crosses over into ‘ghosting’ and ‘zombies’.  You will likely intermittently receive requests for nudes when their new partner isn’t putting out or is away.  When their new relationship fails, they will pop up out the blue, expecting your original affections to be unchanged in direction and intensity.

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The stable:  The fictional place where a collection of romantic partners is kept, who may or not be aware of the others, to maintain their availability with the lowest possible investment of time, energy and attention.  A stable may be created both for pragmatic reasons, to ensure continuous availability of loving sexual partner on demand, and as a demonstration of personal prowess to boost one’s own ego.

Tell-tale phrases:  ‘I have other plans already’, ‘I’m trying to save money’, ‘I’m really busy’, ‘I’ve got other things to deal with at the moment’ or ‘I’m just having so much fun at the moment’.

Classic trajectory:  After initial presentation as a possible available partner, good sex and what appears to be the development of mutual romantic feeling, the attention seems to reach a plateau, the teeny tiny step beyond which would be to have an actual official relationship.  Never did the apple hang so low.  However, increasing contact with their actual friends or family never seems forthcoming.  They do not make consistent romantic gestures or include you in plans for how they will be spending their time as much as would seem natural at this point.  Plans together will always involve sex, and often little or nothing else.  Offers to spend time with your friends or family will be declined.  As you do not have an official relationship, they are of course still free to see other people (as are you) but there are a variety of mechanisms that can be employed to make this inconvenient for you, from occupying the time you are free (if they have more) to subtle hints that they might feel jealous or dislike it.  Besides, at this point, you really just want to show them that you are what they are looking for and discover the cause of their hesitation in order to overcome it.  They may imply to you that you are their ‘favourite’, assign special activities that the two of you are only to do together (besides sex), say you are the only one they have sex with bareback or make out that they are almost ready but just not quite.  Unfortunately, you are actually of equal status to the rest of the stable, who you may or may not be aware of.  Once in this state, they can maintain your affection with a relatively low input of investment, as they can with all the others.  An occasional bale of hay and you are expected to be good.  Forever.  One day you will be waiting and waiting, and they just won’t come back.  When you kick down the stable door, you will be branded a volatile psycho for becoming so ‘needy’, or they will go ‘oh, I thought you’d have figured out ages ago that I wasn’t coming back’.


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These sound terribly dark analogies, and like the very worst of behaviours, however, any group of women, especially those on the swing scene, will have numerous versions of being in either or both of these positions.  This is not limited to the women, however, and any gender can be equally capable of being on the receiving end of such situations.

There’s a Greek girl that I met a couple of years back who contacts me every 4 months or so for a night out and a booty call.  Now, considering that I’m already in a long-term relationship (which she is fully aware of), we both know that we’d only be friends with benefits at best, but it’s still a bit strange to me that when I text her she never replies back as if she isn’t interested any more, but then months later out of the blue she calls/texts because she wants sex again.  Now, I absolutely don’t mind booty calls, especially with someone as attractive as her, but it still phases me now that she doesn’t seem interested in maintaining some level of friendship as well.

I like to think that I have an emotional connection to the people I sleep around with as well as a physical connection, you know? When we ‘dirty dance’ she tells me things like ‘Oh my God that was amazing, I SOOO needed that right now!’

My favourite one: “I’m going to take you back home in Athens and introduce you to my parents!’

When we hang out she’s always smiling and looks like she’s in no rush to get away from me, talking to me for hours afterwards.  Then, the next day, and for months afterwards, complete radio silence.  Still trying to understand if it’s a cultural thing or just her.

BP, 30’s, open relationship

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The division between sex and love is a phenomenon that many women resent and despise.  Indeed, being continuously treated as ‘only for sex’ is a dehumanising long-term experience for anyone (as indeed, is being treated as ‘only wife material’), however taking the opposite approach and mingling the two also has its pitfalls.  Many men who identify as passionate or romantic in nature prefer to have less division, taking a ‘whirlwind romance’ approach to getting to know somebody in the early stages of dating, and can be quite nonplussed when the women turn around and accuse them of leading them on when this excitement rapidly wanes.  Within the swing world, there is the additional complexity and uncertainty of whether or not this means that the man does indeed have feelings for them and whether this is, therefore, a prospect for a conventional or swinging relationship.  All around, little corpses of embryonic relationships litter the scene like prickly dead leaves, unexplained and easy to trip on.  Men, too, need more than sex in life.

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I’ve tried to avoid situations where people have found themselves in a freezer or stable.  I like to have a connection, not every hole is a goal.  If they don’t like that, that’s fine, but you won’t go past acquaintance at best (I’ll see you at the next party- maybe).

Otherwise, it just feels a bit too mechanical and what’s the point in that?  I could cruise a bar for that, if that was my thing, or pick up on Tinder or Bumble.

K, 20’s, swinger/poly male

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So what is it that can be done?  Is there any way to do it right?  For the freezer, probably not.  Unless it is a completely mutual decision, perhaps due to life circumstances taking you apart unavoidably, and if you are both content to put things on hold, emotions don’t freeze well.  The happy, loving person you left behind may or may not be there at all, but it will not be the same.  They will either have forgotten about you utterly or there will be a cesspool of rancid, emotional sludge that comes pouring out on you when you try to open that freezer door.  That may sound extremely unpleasant for the person who did the freezing to have to deal with, and indeed it is, but it is actually also a great deal worse for the person you froze in the first place to have to go through.  If you leave someone, do the decent thing and stay gone.  Let them get on with their life.  Or step up and be there for them when they don’t want you to go and they miss you.  The fact that someone validated you first and chose to see your worth doesn’t make them worthless.  It just makes them your responsibility to take care of while they are fragile.  You may not mean to break their heart, but if you must do so, don’t do them the disrespect of then treating them like an easy access facility for potential future use.

Can the stable be navigated ethically?  It certainly sounds like a desirable situation for anyone in the swing or poly worlds- yet it seems to always be so poorly done.  Is there a way it can be mutual, equal and fair?  Perhaps, with honesty.

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As a young poly? Just that communication is key, communication is crucial.  Beyond crucial.  Communication with yourself and anyone you are involved with.  People should do what they can to be considerate of others, but at the end of the day we aren’t mind readers and you are ultimately primarily responsible for making your own needs, wants and intentions known.

Make sure you have your needs clear in your head and prioritise them.  Don’t fill up on snacks when you want a main meal.  I think in that case it needs to be made clear that the people keeping you in the freezer or stable aren’t the people you should be pushing for more.  If you don’t feel like you have enough time to find a full-time someone, but still make time to be someone’s side-person, then you are just gonna have to put THEM in the freezer until you’ve found someone that can cater to your more day to day needs.  My first thought is that, with people in these situations, would it be that they wouldn’t feel in the ‘freezer’ or ‘stable’ if they had a primary or nesting partner?

I think where a lot of the anxiety, doubt, and knocks to self-confidence come is that when you aren’t a top priority in someone’s life, even if it’s nothing personal (the person is busy, doesn’t have a lot of time, could be a distance thing, or maybe they just don’t have strong enough feelings to move to make it a more ‘serious’ thing,) it makes you feel like you are worthless, that if you were ‘good enough’ then that person would ‘upgrade’ you (or whatever negative, inaccurate and unhelpful lingo) to a more full-time relationship status.

And, a point of clarification, I’m not saying people don’t use other people in a ‘freezer’ or ‘stable’, because people most definitely do.  What I don’t think is that the majority of these people are doing it in a malicious way.  They are probably thinking ‘cool!  A person who is different from the people I see normally, someone who I trust and can have fun with, and they want to have fun (or whatever) with me too!’, maybe not realising (through lack of consideration or just lack of being told) that the other person is feeling a bit emotionally hungry, and short or infrequent encounters aren’t satisfying that person, leaving them feeling cheap and used.  And this really gets down to what, I think, is the problem.  That all humans need, crave, at least one person like a regular, almost daily, solid constant.  A nesting partner to give them close to full time emotional, sexual, romantic attention.

If you are single and in the position of being in the freezer or stable,  you have to ask yourself, ‘Am I trying to fill up an empty stomach with MacDonalds when really I need and want a hot Sunday roast?  Or am I actually pretty full already and fancy a quick bite?’

In other words, do you really want a primary/nesting partner/serious relationship?  And so are left feeling empty, unsatisfied and worthless from flings and bits?  Or are you actually satisfied as a whole, or too busy for something full time, and are happy being in a stable?

If it’s the first, I would cut off those freezer/stable contacts and focus on finding a serious partner first.  If the freezer/stable lifestyle suits your current needs/time/energy/wants, then go for it.  Either way, you have to be honest with yourself as to what you really want and need, and you have to be open and honest with the people you are seeing as to what you want and need.  If you want something more full time, then tell the person who is keeping you in the freezer or stable.  Don’t let them think you are fine when really you need something a bit more.  Don’t wait on hopes and maybes to see if your snack turns into a main course, leave the snack and go get what you need.

James Luther, 23, poly

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So there you have it; an ethical stable might be a possibility.  If you are looking to keep a stable, you may do better to assess whether you are really going to feed them and care for them enough to keep anyone happy, especially if you are looking to be the only one doing so.  Keeping just one person content and fulfilled is a huge task, let alone multiplying it up into a personal harem.  Perhaps it would be better to have one completely contented person for yourself first, and use your communication skills to build delicately, work and invest little by little, looking to add in a controlled, respectful, and honest way, rather than leaving a trail of destruction.  Or just let them all know they are out in the field, free-range, and not waiting for you, ever hungrier.

If you find yourself in a stable it might work for you, but if it isn’t what you need, then it’s never going to be enough, or become enough.  At the end of the day, you have the agency to determine your own role in your life, and if you are not the main character, it’s time to change the script.

All my love, my Baby Ducklings xx


Unicorn interviews 6: The Poly Unicorn

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It will occur to most threesome-seeking couples after a while that obtaining a unicorn from scratch every time is a rather labour intensive and uncertain endeavour, however good at it you become.  If you meet a unicorn you like, would it not be better to keep her around?  Would it even, perhaps, be better to actively seek out a polyamorous unicorn right from the start, to love and cuddle and have that extra spicy excitement with from time to time?  Someone to bring into your relationship, a lovely extra addition to that which you already have?

Well, my baby ducklings, I have some bad news for you.  If you try to venture from swing to polyamory, and enter these forums/pages/sites with the intention of seeking out a female to share as a couple, you are in for a baptism of fire.  The cries of ‘unicorn hunter!’ suddenly sound like the most terrible derision.  The polys despise you, my darlings, and when I went on a forum and explained this post to ask for quotes, I had to spend a day defending my rationale to the best of my (somewhat extensive) linguistic ability, and ameliorating a whole lot of hurt feelings and vitriolic accusations.  Allow me to shield you from this a little, with some explanation.

Similarly to the kink scene, the poly scene has a lot of rules, a lot of lingo to learn, and a lot of literature to read before you even speak to anyone without causing offence.  Asking for clarification on anything will likely give you the response that it’s not anyone’s obligation to educate you.  Allow me to assist a little.

Unlike the swing scene, which is absolutely full of unicorn hunters, where that’s pretty normal and acceptable, the poly scene views you as naive sex tourists who are out to exploit vulnerable individuals and don’t really understand the nature of polyamory.  You are an outsider, boys and girls, come to hurt them.  There are a number of excellent references about exactly why this is, and why unicorn hunting in polyamory doesn’t work (couples privilege, male privilege, unbalanced power dynamics), and a lot of broken-hearted, former poly-unicorns littering the groups.  I’m not going to go over all this here: does an excellent job of helping you understand the issues, and why striding in with your swinger-size-nines to pick up a spare F for your couple is really not cool.  If your intention is sincere, these are issues you really need to understand before you even start trying.

Not to be disheartened, boys and girls.  After a year of searching, I actually have found a happy, poly unicorn to interview.  Truly, this must be the rarest of the rare.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the last of the unicorn interviews.


What would you like me to call you? 
Unicorn N. I’m 24, a single unicorn, pansexual, polyamorous.

What brought you to the scene?
Up until November 2017, I’d been in back-to back Vanilla (by which I mean, people who weren’t particularly sex-positive or sexually adventurous) long-term, monogamous relationships. No matter how much I loved someone, I always felt trapped by monogamy. I kept thinking, “I’ve got so much love to give. I can’t be the only person who thinks this way?” I found that I continually developed intense crushes on colleagues or new friends, then spend my time either fantasising about these people or chastising myself for never being able to just love one person at a time. It felt like a personality disorder: I was either swept in euphoria or crippled with guilt. Neither person was really me.

In my most recent relationship, I was engaged to a wonderful woman. Like, 6-months-away-from-walking-down-the-aisle engaged. One day all my doubts, the dreams I’d been shoving down to make room for “our” dreams… it all caught up to me. I called off the engagement. My partner moved out. Everyone asked how my new “freedom” was, but the truth is, I was completely devastated. I’d lost my family, my whole life did a 180 turn overnight. I had been comfortable, content. I had stability (something I did NOT grow up with), but now I knew that “content” just wasn’t good enough.

So, after a lot of crying, drinking and binge-watching sad movies, I got out there. For the first time, really since I was 16, I was single and I was scared shitless. But I had a LOT of things I wanted to try. The first: a threesome. Mainly because I’d watched ‘You Me Her’ and it had set something off in me. Polyamory just made sense to me. Even though the characters went through constant drama, it just looked like a beautiful kind of life to me. So I started researching ‘polyamorous dating’, ‘how to find a couple for threesomes,’ etc. I eventually signed up to Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid and (most importantly) Feeld. The latter advertises itself as a platform to meet singles and couples. Like most apps, it was hit and miss. But the majority of the people on there were exactly what I was looking for; local, sex-positive, open to new experiences.


How did your first MFF come to happen?

Once I had immersed myself in “alternative online dating”, I talked with dozens of couples. A lot of the time nothing came of it; either because they were into things I wasn’t, I became overwhelmed with the intensity of their interest in me, or I suspected there was no couple – just a horny guy looking to get nudes from me. 

The first couple I met, I’d spoken to for a few weeks. We had a group chat on kik and it was a good dynamic, everyone could see everything that was said, so there was no favouritism/jealousy/secrets. They were quirky and fun and we had a lot in common. They were the first couple to make me feel like an equal in their dynamic – however temporarily – they weren’t just looking for a toy for the woman to “experiment” with while the guy watched. There was real interest from everyone, for everyone. They finally came to visit me and we had an amazing night together. And that was it, I was hooked.


Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?
Yeah, but only because it makes me feel special. Ha! 


What do you feel the difference between poly unicorning and swinger unicorning?In my opinion, poly relationships (however casual/serious) and swinging are totally different ball games. There should be no unicorn in a poly relationship. If your encounter is a one-time adventurous hookup, it’s not polyamorous. That’s a couple swinging with a unicorn. But the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Threesome hookups don’t equal poly, but that doesn’t make any long-term arrangements are automatically poly relationships. It’s all up to the individuals, how they identify themselves and their agreed boundaries.


How do you feel being the unicorn in an MFF differs from being the primary female?

Because I’m single, I’ve never really been the primary female. But I have watched playmates of mine have sex with others – and that felt very different from entering a threesome as the unicorn. As the unicorn, there’s little chance of feeling possessive or jealous. But it does open you up to encounters which can leave you feeling empty, shallow, used, lonely. So both sides are tricky and require lots of communication. 


What is your favourite dynamic?

Of all the dynamics I’ve experienced, my favourite is with a married couple I regularly see. I think of myself as their unicorn or playmate. They are completely monogamous and deeply in love, it’s incredibly sweet to see and intoxicating to be around.  I see them about once a month and we usually go for dinner and drinks before heading back to theirs. We play together and then all cuddle in their Super King bed.

It’s not poly, in my opinion, because they’re only committed to each other. And as wonderfully as they treat me, I’m on my own. I can’t play with either of them separately. They’re in it together and I’m on the outside of their relationship. But that works for us. They’re getting their needs met and I still get my freedom. 

After a few months, they chose to make me their only unicorn which was wonderful to be told; whatever they’d been searching for from a threesome, they’d found it in me. They give me hope for the kind of marriage I never believed was possible.


Do you prefer couples, women or single men?
I love them all – I have a particular soft spot for group play, but I still meet with single men and women and enjoy it.


Do you find there is a difference in the way the three groups approach you?

Absolutely! Single women hardly approach me – I think I give off more dominant vibes with women, so I’m often making the first move.

Men are all different – generally, men are quite forward with me, which I think has a lot to do with my very sex-positive, ball-busting demeanour. I don’t present myself as an ultra-feminine, sexually-repressed “lady-like” kind of woman. I’m direct, open and honest with my expectations and desires. That scares a lot of people off. Others find it refreshing. 

Couples are, more often than not, tentative in their approach. Especially if they’re new to it. Either because the woman is anxious to try sex with another woman, the man doesn’t want to overstep and scare the unicorn off OR piss off his Missus by being too keen on another woman. I feel for them, really. So I’m always open and patient, I let them ask me whatever they want and make sure no one feels pressure to do anything. 


What is the worst approach you’ve ever had?

In terms of threesomes – I haven’t had particularly awful experiences (touch wood), but I have had some awkward situations. I chatted with a guy for ages when I was first on the scene who lived in Bristol. I really fancied him and his girlfriend, but she was very nervous. Rather than do the noble thing and back off, I kept talking to him, hoping his gf would change her mind. He and I ended up very attached to each other and eventually I had to break off contact because I started to doubt his gf was as in the loop about all this as he’d made out. 

For me, I want to be equally attracted to both people. I won’t sleep with a couple just for the guy or the girl. And similarly, I need to know they both fancy me. 

I also prefer to sleep with women who’re genuinely interested in women, as opposed to just looking for FF play for the enjoyment of their man. Similarly, I like to make sure they’re doing this for the right reasons; “we’re in a rut and wanted to spice things up” – sets off alarms for me, you don’t need a unicorn, you need a therapist… “it’s something we’ve both always wanted and we’ve talked a lot about it and feel we’re ready” – *ding ding ding* We have a winner!

For anything more serious to blossom I’d have to have things in common with both people, we’d have to make each other laugh and there’d need to be a genuine spark from the get-go. 


Why do you think most polys despise ‘unicorn hunters’?
I guess it’s kind of impersonal? It’s objectifying to unicorns – like we’re all just cattle in a pen waiting to be chosen. But, I think you could say the same about a lot of labels within the sex and relationship sphere. At the end of the day, the labels help us find what we’re looking for without the awkward rejection of the Vanilla world. If I call myself a unicorn, couples know that I’m open to being approached. Which eliminates a lot of pointless conversations with people who aren’t looking for the same things as me. It’s the same as if I went out looking for a Dom. That doesn’t mean I’d choose just anyone – but it saves a hell of a lot of time spent scrolling through profiles.


What would be your ideal, fairytale scenario for your life? Your happy ending?

More and more I’m beginning to think that I’d love to be part of athrouple/triad or poly group. Where I live with multiple partners and we all play together/love each other. But I supposed I’d have to really experience it to know if it was my happy ending.

Failing that, if I had a committed monogamous partner, I’d want them to be someone I could play with in groups or we went to parties together. Basically I don’t think I could ever go back vanilla.


How do you feel single girls on the scene are perceived?

By the couples who “hunt” us, I’d have to say I’ve always felt thought of well. Any negativity I’ve suffered has usually come from within – my niggling insecurities, my depression creeping in from time to time. I think if you’re right for a couple and you click, they’re appreciative. Maybe that’s just the glow of my current situation talking, I’m sure some people have faced slut-shaming from this lifestyle. Personally, I think I’m too much of a loud-mouthed feminist for anyone to call me a slut to my face. I love my experiences and I own them, a lot of my friends are guys (who are jealous) or fellow sex-positive people. The only time I’ve been questioned was by a friend’s boyfriend. 


What advice would you give to a couple setting out to have their first MFF?

This applies to the question below too – if you’re in a couple, have your shit together before you bring someone else into the mix. Don’t go searching for a 3rd person to improve your relationship. Before you even think of pulling someone else into your dynamic, make sure you COMMUNICATE openly and honestly. I can’t stress that enough. You need to have talked about everything; what could go wrong/right? how will we deal with the unexpected? what do we want out of this? how far are we willing to go? what are our motives? Have these conversations multiple times and then Keep Having Them. Check in with each other. Check in with your unicorn. Check in with yourself. Juggling 3 human beings’ emotions, needs, hopes, fantasies, insecurities can be beautiful – but make no mistake, it’s hard work. Even if you’re under the impression it’s a casual one-time thing, be prepared to fall in love, be prepared to hate each other, be prepared to be disappointed, be prepared to have the time of your life. If you’re not ready for any/all of those possibilities, you’re not ready for this. Stick to the porn-fuelled fantasy in your head.


What advice would you give to a couple looking to set up a poly MFF?

Same as my advice above. Only difference is that you need to be prepared for the huge commitment that being a triad entails. PLUS, you’ll have to deal with either hiding your lifestyle or be okay with facing constant judgement and possible backlash in your professional life/upsetting family etc. Any alternative lifestyle is a big commitment and takes time, care and consideration. If you can’t give that, it’s probably not for you. Personally, I’m a dirty hippy at heart. Free love. More the merrier. All that jazz.

Too good to be true? Tinder doesn’t get poly

Trying to mix the swing/poly world with vanilla people may have always been a bad idea. We made a joint profile on Tinder, for what one might imagine would be a fairly popular idea (BOGOF girlfriends? Instant threesome?).

Unfortunately, nobody seems to understand it. Given the profile word limit, it’s hard to be any more specific. All the responses seem to think it’s just me. When I clarify, I just get more and more questions.

I don’t get it.

You do this often?

You fuck random men with your best friend??

Are you bored with your husbands?

What’s your motivation? Power? Boredom? Excitement? Money?

You’re very pretty, why share?

If you like her, why would you want to share her?

Altogether, it just highlights how closed the mind of the vanilla world can be. On a site notorious for being used for hook ups, you’d imagine people could think a little more creatively.

Alas, the life of a single, bisexual, poly female is not all the frolics and fun one might imagine, especially when it comes to attempting to date for anything other than casual sex.

Our search for a loving, open-minded libertine to spoil continues.

Organising your own party

“Make sure you have a good relationship with the venue.  When I first started the socials, it was easy to encourage people to attend.  Then they pushed the prices up without notice, and I’ve started to feel very uncomfortable about promoting the club.  It is a decision you have to make from the start…is your purpose to provide a chance for friends to get together, is it about introducing new people to the scene, or is it about making money?”

Ex- London Social Organiser

After a few forays into commercial and private swing parties, many people will rapidly come to the conclusion that they could more easily organise their own event- controlling the venue, guest list, and notably saving themselves a fair bit of money along the way.  If this is a project you want to take on, there are a number of things to consider.


The date

No date is ever going to work for everyone.  If you have some reliable friends or couples you know are 99% sure to show up, try to work with them.  Consider holidays, arrangements with children, and what other large events are on the same weekend.  Is it the weekend of a big festival?  Is there a commercial swing party on the same day?  Scout around broadly to try to find a nice quiet weekend.  Once you’ve set the date, you can rapidly find out who is a potential invitee and who isn’t.  This will save you a lot of time.

The venue

I would say its really important to create the kind of environment you’d like to experience yourself.  I also think its important to know your guest list as that could make or break the vibe of the party.  The venue is important, it’s good to have a few different spaces so that people can chill as well as play.  It should also be comfortable, clean and inviting, and there should always be a host or someone available to keep an eye on things or to answer questions.

Miss Genie, 30’s, sexually liberated woman

Location– Chances are, you won’t be hosting at your place, unless you have a large and luxurious property in the middle of a huge and liberated city.  However nice your country retreat might be, you’ll struggle to get guests.  By and large, people won’t leave London.  Beyond the M25, Londoners may well burst into flames, for the reaction you’ll get. Travel costs and difficulties in getting there can scupper your plans.  Most people will have several things they are planning to do that weekend, and won’t want to allocate you the time, especially if it’s your first party, they can’t stay over or they are worried they might not like it.  Single girls in particular are likely to not show up, as there is an element of potentially being trapped in an unfamiliar place with an unknown crowd.  You need to start with the right location.  Central London will be the most expensive to rent somewhere, but it is also going to get you the most guests.  The venue needs to be near good public transport links, and ideally have some free parking nearby for those travelling in from elsewhere.  Easy to find is helpful.  For every travel barrier you add, you are going to lose guests.  People may have other plans the same night, before or after, or just like to keep their options open.  Even the large commercial party companies can end up calling off events if they aren’t central, so you will struggle as an unknown organiser.  You’ve been warned.

The property– Unless you are fortunate to have a reliable friend with a huge place you can use, your choice will be a big hotel suite or a short term rental property.  Given that most advertised places will say strictly no parties, you will need to scout somewhere out very carefully, both online and in person before the event.  Pictures mean nothing – they will only show the best aspects.  What is the access like? Is the entrance to the building welcoming, or will it send your guests scurrying off at the last minute with broken windows and glue sniffers in the walkways? Is there security at the building?  Will it be easy for people to come and go, or get outside for a smoke if so inclined?  Are there enough bathrooms for the size of your party? How close are the neighbours?  Can you contain the noise and music?  Is there a large, open central area where people can mingle, and get a drink?  Are there separate rooms which can be used as a more private play space away from this?  Where will people change, and store their clothes?  How easy is it going to be to clean up mess afterwards (and oh, boy will there be mess- from spilled red wine to high heel scuffs to used condoms every nook and cranny).  How easy is it going to be to get whatever you need to prepare to?  If you are carrying drinks, decorations and sheets up 6 floors with a broken lift, you’ll quickly regret your choice of venue.

Look carefully at the terms and penalties in the contract if you are renting- if there is a penalty for damage or for breaking non party conditions, make sure you’ve accounted for the full possible cost (£500 for a broken bed is no laughing matter).  Some rental apps or agencies will also track your feedback and bear in mind the effect this could have on any future plans you have for using the service.

Ambience – Your venue needs to feel special and welcoming.  How are you going to do a rapid makeover to create a sexy atmosphere with the space you have?  You’ll want to set aside the whole day before the party to setting up.  You’ll need to bring cleaning supplies, give the place a good going over, switch the bedsheets to dark or luxurious colours and fabrics (a good quality waterproof undersheet is a definite must), pack away pillows and duvets out of sight, and consider how you can best protect any other furniture that play might ensue on without making it look like the place has been covered with dustsheets.  How is the lighting?  Lighting can transform a mood.  Battery powered fairylights in white can give a special feel, as can battery operated artificial tealights (be careful considering candles- risk of wax spill or fire are real).  Switching the lightbulbs for red ones can instantly transform the vibe.  What touches can you add that will create the setting you and your guests will enjoy?  Does it work as a unified theme?

All things considered, you may prefer to rent a space designated for parties- if this is the case, what are the restrictions on alcohol and who will run the bar?  What are the time limits?  What sort of play space will there be?  Is it suitably private, with the right furniture?  Is it going to be cost effective?  Running a party from a private room in a bar or club is unlikely to work out in most cases – unless the landlord is inclined to participate.  There are a number of sex clubs and events venues that cater to the swing lifestyle- you might find it easier to negotiate a party deal with the licencee (say, a VIP area and other touches) for hosting your event, and rely on the set up, bar, security and equipment already being there for you to use.

The guest list

When inviting, always invite double the amount.  You need to network to get the reliable numbers and build your reputation.  Couples will attend if they know at least another couple there or a couple they want to meet.  Let them get to know each other beforehand and build anticipation.  Guestlists work that way.  Organising an event isn’t easy- it’s a lot of hard work.  If you do it often it seems almost like a full time job.  Remember faces and names, it can be hard, but make your guests feel special and they will likely attend next time.

Mae, 30, unicorn

Size matters– How big is your party going to be?  It might be a good idea to start very small and learn from what works and what doesn’t, before you scale things up.  A nice dinner with say, one or two other couples can realistically be moved to a large hotel room for end of evening frolics.  Anything more and you’ll need a much bigger space.  It can be difficult to know how big it’s going to get, and plenty of new party organisers have ended up with it being just themselves, and perhaps a lone male stalking around, from what ought to have been a set gender ratio party of 10.  How well can you scale up or down your plans to suit the numbers?

Who are your guests? –  There are many types of swingers.  As well as considering gender ratios, you need to consider the ratios of the types of people you are inviting, and how they will work together.  Are the couples soft or full swap?  Hotwives or unicorn hunters?  Singles, couples, polycules?  Straight, gay, bisexual, heteroflexible?  Cisgender or trans?  Will you allow single men, or just couples and single girls?  If it’s the latter, consider the motivation for the single girls may be reduced significantly.  Are there already existing friendship groups you can invite together?  What is the age range of your guests?  Will everyone feel comfortable together? Will they be attracted to each other? Who already knows whom, and how do they get on?  Are there existing friendship groups you can invite together?  Nobody wants to feel like they are the only one who knows nobody at a party, or that they don’t fit in for some reason.  Consider who your core likely attendees are going to be, and ask them to recommend people they know and like.  If you are approaching people to be guests from cold, you’ll need to spend time talking to them to build trust and meet them in person to establish they will be okay, and that they are in fact who they say they are.  Consider the time and travel implications of this.  Most commercial party sites will not allow you to advertise a private event on the forums, and may well ban you if you try.

A great way to build a sense of familiarity and heighten sexual tension before the event is to make use of technology and set up a group on Whatsapp, KIK, telegram or other messenger devices (not everyone will have the same ones).  When your guests have been invited, offer to put them on the chat group.  They can see who will be going, chat beforehand and get an idea of who they might click with in person.  People can become great friends in this way, even if they rarely meet in person.  You’ll need to set ground rules for conduct on the chat groups, and act as both moderator and entertainer pretty much 24 hours a day.  You’ll need to handle complaints from potential guests about other guests, questions, changes of plan, problems that crop up, maintaining banter and flow. It can be great fun to have, say, selfie contests, make up limericks about each other, or ask people about their preferences (for drinks, food, and sexual play).  Once people are looking forward to meeting each other, they are much more likely to show up on the day.  Even so, bear in mind that some people will cancel a few days before, and some will simply not make it on the night.  This can be from 0-100%.  That’s just how it goes.

Most people appreciate feeling valued and you may find people volunteer to help out.  Can someone make a song list and be the DJ?  Mix cocktails?  Help greet guests as they arrive?  Help lead the chat in the run up to the event?  Help recruit and vet people? It’s helpful if people feel like a part of the project rather than a customer, but you also have to be completely prepared to manage without them if they don’t show up or come very late.  It’s great to give people roles they want, but always have a robust backup plan.  Giving people roles makes them feel special, valued and important, and people on the swing scene absolutely love to feel important!  One of the most successful commercial party organisers I know of has built their empire on just this premise- they get people to plug away heart and soul for free at roles with an enthusiasm they could never have generated by employing them, simply by giving them titles, a little power and kudos.

Your starter party won’t have that kind of clout, but you may be able to use the same strategy on a more personal level- if people want to impress you or be liked by you – cement their relationship/friendship with you- then they are going to go out of their way to show you just how amazingly they can perform in a role they enjoy.  Your’s truly is no more immune to the lure of demonstrating my skill and usefulness for someone I like than anyone else is.   We live in a world where everyone feels undervalued and unappreciated, so when we come to the scene to build our little sandcastles and recreate ourselves in the image we like to see, we are vulnerable to exploitation.  You can use this to your advantage.  It’s not necessarily an unkind thing to do; just keep in mind that your helpers will have their own rewards they are looking to get out of it and be sure you deliver on these.  You will then be considered a great leader and social networker.  If you don’t deliver on the needs of your helpers they will become resentful.  Think carefully about what it is they need from you to remain happy.


Costs and adding value

Charging– Is this going to be a free event?  If so, what will it cost you? If you are looking to break even, what do you need to charge, and how many guests will you need? Can you get them to pay in advance?  How does the cost compare to the commercial parties?  Are you going to charge everyone the same?  Many events are free for single girls or very discounted.  Will you do the same?  You will, most likely, find the single women to be in shortest supply and hardest to retain.  What happens if you end up with none?  Can you get a unicorn heard on board with your event – it would certainly help.

Adding value – Some things to are consider are what you’ll be including.  Can people sleep over afterwards?  If so, can will you add a charge for this?  How much space is there for this and how will you allocate it fairly?  Is it first paid first served?  Is there food?  Snacks?  Drinks?  Free alcohol?  If you plan to charge for alcohol have you considered you’d need a liquor licence?  How much alcohol do you want people to have, considering you are responsible for controlling the party and maintaining safety?

Do you have entertainment?  A show?  Striptease?  Sexy party games?  Ice breaker activities?  What is it that the people are actually perceiving they will get from what you are offering?  How can you make it tempting?  Can you share nice photos of the venue?  Discuss the things that will be happening?  You need to convince them that they are getting a great deal and can trust you, to both not run off with their money or put on a poor event, and to maintain safe and sexy environs, where they can relax and enjoy themselves.  Single girls will be the hardest to convince, have the most other offers and be the most likely to bail for a last minute date.  Think hard about what it is you are offering them in particular to ensure they come.  There are a few things I’d suggest:

a) a sense of belonging:  Make sure they aren’t the only single girl.  Ask them to bring female friends.  Consider what you will do if they ask to bring a male to the party.  Although they may still be happy to swap and swing, they may not.  But if you refuse, they most likely won’t attend.  They aren’t a bowl of peanuts for the couples to share.

b) positive attention:  Use your group chat to allow them to show off and feel adored.  Things can actually get quite competitive in the selfie stakes!  I’d never realised the easiest way to get beautiful women to send you hundreds of naked poses was to get them competing against the others.

c) Really good looking men and women, especially single men.  Most of your unicorns don’t plan on being unicorns forever.  If there are men they want to meet that they consider they have a chance for more than sex with, they have an incentive to show up.  Add too many single men, and the men of couples will complain that it’s a ‘cock fest’.  It’s a fine line.  You also have to consider the atmosphere of a party that ends up male-heavy can seem incredibly intimidating to everyone.  Choose very carefully.

By and large, the main attraction for all your other guests is going to be the single girls themselves.  Consider what the unicorns are drawn to, and what puts them off.  The better you can make it for them, the more of them you will get, and the more likely your other guests are to make the effort to attend.  After all, who doesn’t love the idea of being in a party full of unicorns?

Party on!

Hosting your own party can be quite an experience, but because you will be so busy both before and during the night it can also be exhausting and stressful.  You may feel like you didn’t really get a chance to enjoy it in the way you’d hoped or make the most of it in the way the guests did.  On the plus side, if you invite people to your events they will probably invite you to theirs too, so it can still be worthwhile.  There is also a bit of an intellectual/power buzz about hosting your own event and arranging it all that you simply can’t replicate as a guest, and can be a great bonding activity to organise with a partner or small friend group.  It’s a steep learning curve, and your fourth party will be head and shoulders above your first.  When you attend other private parties, note what works well and where they fail.  It can take something as simple as the wrong light levels or temperature to ruin the mood.  Be sure to show your guests you value them personally and keep in touch with them between parties – this will keep them close to you and available for the future, as well as likely to say good things about your events to others they speak to.  People who are only ever contacted when you want them to make up numbers for something will feel used and jaded.  They may choose to go elsewhere.

Hosting is by no means a compulsory part of your evolution as a libertine or swinger, however it does often come up as an idea in the early to mid stages of your development.  With these issues in mind, you may be able to pull off a truly stunning event, but there will always be compromises to be had between the various factors.  Have fun my baby ducklings, and send me my free ticket on twitter.


Granting wishes

I’m getting ready to wrap this up with the final few chapters and go to print. If you have a story to share or an angle you are wishing this tome would cover, speak now and be a part of it. The best part of anything ever was to be part of a greater whole.

Time waits for no man.

Message here, twitter @unicornhuntingb or one of my other internet haunts with what you’d like to learn, or what you have to teach. I’m sure all my interviewees, quote sources and featured personalities will agree I’ve treated them kindly 😉

See you soon lovely libertine ducklings xx

Really bad approaches

This one is an ode to the single girls.  The unicorns; prized, fetishized, misunderstood and dehumanised.  You deal daily with a stream of objectification that would crack a Spartan warrior’s spirit, yet remain your amazing, individual and wonderful selves.  I shall love you always.

Couples and single guys, please note the calibre of your competition.

*Some have been recreated, but the conversations are all real, and are from myself and single girls I know personally.


Because what girl doesn’t love to hear about your pornographic sexual conquests with other women? We are just walking holes to some people.



How to get in there first with a dick pic and ensure the coffee date you just arranged will never ever take place.



Because, clearly, the only thing standing between you and sex with every girl on earth is your girlfriend’s permission to play away.  If you can see cleavage, it’s fine to skip the pleasantries; having boobs is the international symbol for ‘up for random sex,’ apparently.



A dick pic to a random contact you find on your KIK and have never spoken to. Entertaining ice breaker?  No, not really.




Try saving your messages and not sending the same ones over and over.  And listening to the response your intended gives you.




Because over 30’s are strictly for sex.  Obviously.  #cougar




Opening up to this flasher monologue was not enticing me to meet them




Perhaps he thought it sounded mysterious?




Opening with a sexual question and then sticking a brag in should really get them interested, right?







Clearly quite the conversationalist.




Because what girl doesn’t want to be loved for her big black booty?



‘Went’ is great.  Who could resist a guy who wants to pimp you out to his random friend?




Because all great relationships start with a guy looking for a ‘cum dump’.  I bet he’s going to be really smooth in person.



Are they pimping me some big ass slut boys?  What does that even mean?



Any ‘bareback breeding slags’ looking for an anonymous misogynistic stranger to father their offspring?  No. Thought not.



Wonder if he also feels that way about his Momma?


These openers really are a sad indictment of society, and in many cases, the education system.  If a woman is on a swinger site, it means she enjoys having sex with a selection of the very finest, most attractive and interesting men (and women).  That she is liberated enough to own her femininity and sexuality, and confident enough to expand her horizons beyond the archaic social regulations set down by society.  Why this should mean that some people think she’s a walking sex toy, willing to do anything with anyone, or even some sort of sub-human being to be exposed to verbal abuse, slander and pictures of your genitals on an hourly basis, is unclear.

If these approaches are even vaguely like yours, reconsider your strategy.  Send a picture of your face, not your dick, and get your mother to proofread it before you send.  Not comfortable with that thought?  Then she’s not going to want to see it either.

Feel like you need a shower?  There will be more to come.  Probably in an hour or so. Welcome to the inbox of a single girl on the swing scene.

Getting your partner to agree to a threesome

There are quite a few pieces already written on this, but I’m going to try to break it down for you.  Assuming you are with a partner in some sort of exclusive arrangement, and have met them via the vanilla world, it can be a worrying issue to bring up.  If you are not exclusive, or met them via the swing or sex scene, you will likely be less concerned about how to discuss it.  As women tend to feel more secure in raising the issue of adding a spare F for sex, this will mostly be discussed from the male perspective.  This is not to say women are not the instigators:  In a large number of couples, it is the woman who spearheads the conversation and is the more active unicorn hunter.  These women just don’t really need advice on how to go about it.

There are a few different angles you need to consider, for which there may be trade-offs to negotiate:

What you want

woman wearing gray sweater dress
Photo by on

You may have an idea in your head about what it is you are looking for, but how well formed is it?  What are the main criteria?  Are you looking to explore new sexual adventures with your partner?  Tick a box off your sexual bucket list?  Have you always wanted a two-girl blowjob?  Do you fantasise about seeing your partner with another woman?  Are you wishing for an ongoing polyamorous relationship?  Do you just want an excuse to have sex with other people without getting in trouble?  If you can be honest with yourself first about what it is you are really hoping for, you can approach the endeavour with better clarity, and make choices about how and if to approach your partner.  It will also help when you come to look for a unicorn.

What your partner wants

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Photo by Stokpic on

You may have an idea in your head about your partner’s sexual likes, adventurous nature and how secure they feel to explore with you, or allow you to explore.  This is not necessarily the whole picture.  Just as you have settled into a comfortable pattern with her, she has settled into one with you.  Disrupting the status quo can be scary, and if you are vague about your reasons or what you want, they may react with anger or sadness based on being made suddenly insecure or feeling less valued.  For this reason, it is worth finding out more about your partner’s thoughts before asserting your own.  This is not always a simple thing, as many women have a tendency to say what they think you want to hear, and are acutely aware that they will be judged much more harshly as a woman and categorised as a slut if they express anything beyond mono vanilla desires. You’ll need to pick your time and context for discussion well, and make sure it feels like a safe space for her to open up.  If your relationship is new, on rocky ground or you’ve made her feel less than adored so far, expect a fiery response.

What your relationship needs

man holding baby s breath flower in front of woman standing near marble wall
Photo by vjapratama on

There are as many types of relationship as there are people.  Assuming a chance to play around on the swing scene is a lower priority to you than maintaining your current relationship, you need to set aside your own aspirations for a moment and examine what it is your relationship, as it stands, actually needs.  Do you spend adequate quality time together?  Do you have shared goals you are working towards?  How will swinging fit in with them?  Is doing this going to affect the way you view each other, and if so is it going to be positive or negative?  How can you protect what you already have?

What you need to capture a unicorn

accuracy action active activity
Photo by Pixabay on

I’ve put this last, as it’s usually considered last.  Assuming all the other considerations go swimmingly, you may well find you have negotiated a situation in which you have reduced your potential unicorn pool to practically zero.  Though the wishes for yourself, your partner and your relationship may be the foremost considerations in your own mind, they are of no benefit or relevance to her.  It is at this point, you may find you have to go back to the drawing board, and establish whether what you have to offer her is really of any interest.  ‘A chance to play about with me and my missus for hot sex’ really isn’t going to cut it.  Oddly, your girlfriend, who may be really up for the notion of playing as the primary female, is likely to completely forget how she herself would have responded in the shoes of a single female to that same offer.  If you are looking for an ongoing relationship or friendship with an intended unicorn, treat her that way.  If you are looking to hunt her down for one off sex and show off your sexual prowess as a couple, you’re going to have to show her you are both really something special.

Having considered these angles, and formulated in your own mind whether this is something that could work for you, your partner, your relationship and indeed the reality of finding your spare F, you come to the point of deciding how best to go about the first steps.  There is nothing wrong with deciding not to proceed.  It’s not obligatory to have a threesome, now or ever.  In fact, if you are trying to do it for the wrong reasons, even if you succeed in ticking the box, it’s going to be a shambles.  For you, it may be best to remain a fantasy.  You and your partner may enjoy watching threesome porn, talking about what it would be like with each other, reading erotic fiction about it.  Nothing spoils a nice fantasy like a healthy dose of reality.  You’ve been warned.  You may be quite happy to use the concept as arousal material without ever doing it for real.  And that is okay.

So what methods can you use to raise the threesome question with your partner?

a) Extremely casually and indirectly

Talk about your individual sexual fantasies.  Play a couples card game with a truth or dare theme. Watch a documentary about swinging.  Read an article about it.  Discuss friends you know who swing (I guarantee you, you will have some who do, whether or not you realise it).  Ask her opinion on it.  Don’t let your fear of how she might respond come across as a negative attitude to it, or she will follow your lead and say what she thinks you expect her to.  Discuss it as an interesting social phenomenon.  The history of monogamy and multiple partners.  The difference between sex and love.  The nature of bisexuality in women.  Is it something she has ever experienced?  Thought about?  You are going to have to take cues from how she responds to direct your angle appropriately. It may be better to bring it up again at another time, or drop it for good.  If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider what it is you value more at present.   If she is honest, avoid being resentful.  After all, you asked her opinion.  She may have not considered it before, or thought you wouldn’t be interested.  She may take some time and change her mind in the future, if she has an idea that it’s something you might have a casual, non-threatening interest in trying.  After all, if a woman loves you, she wants to do things for you to make you happy.

b) Straight up and direct

It may be that you have a very open, honest dynamic already, or that you are very much used to taking the lead in your relationship, including sexually.  If this is the case, you are going to have a relatively easy time in directing her to what you are hoping to try next. In some ways, this can be quite freeing for the woman- she is spared any sense that she will be judged for what she does- after all, it was all your idea.  In this format, be careful to be specific about what it is you do and don’t want.  For example, you may say you don’t want her to have sex with any other men (limiting your own frolics with full-swap couples too) or that you want to take her to a sex party and just be together with each other, in a sexy environment.  If you are clear about the limits of what you want at the moment, it will be less worrying for her.  Most women have at least a small element of jealousy and insecurity inside them, that you don’t want to trigger.  It is not unknown for men to go off with a unicorn they shared with their partner and start a new relationship. She will intuitively be aware of this.  If you start out with something simple and non-threatening, you can always discuss going further another time, after you have both had a little experience of the scene and opportunity to process your feelings about it.

c) Make it about her

This really isn’t going to work unless she has at least a little bit of sexual curiosity and some latent bisexual leanings.  It’s a tad manipulative, and if your girlfriend isn’t game for it in herself, it’s going to backfire.  In this mode, you present yourself as really wanting to go further to please her.  To worship her sexually.  To help her fulfil her own fantasies.  Be warned, she may end up wanting something you didn’t intend, like a cuckold situation or a threesome with 2 men.  If this is the case, there’s not much you can do about it.  Pandora’s box is open, and you asked for it.  Whatever you do, don’t try to mix this approach with approach D, or it will come off as horribly insincere and she will think you are a manipulative, lying dickhead.

d) Play her

If you have a relationship where your woman is a bit insecure, you can use this to your advantage.  I’m not recommending this method because:

i) You need to work on your relationship first, and swinging will likely break it apart

ii) She’s likely to go along with it without wanting to, which will cause her pain, and the unicorns will sense her reticence, which will put them off

iii) There’s enough sociopathic behaviour on the scene already.

iv) There’s potential for drama creation when it comes to the meet/party, and I hate drama.

Nonetheless, here’s how you do it.  You use a little reverse psychology.  Bring up the issue of threesomes and how sexually hot it is, but that’s okay that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s a ‘nice girl’.  It’s a shame you won’t get to have one while you’re with her, but that’s OKAY, as she has some other qualities.  Like being a good cook.  Being organised.  It’s OKAY that you guys will never be Bonnie and Clyde, out hunting women together and having that fun, exciting sexual connection together.  Sometimes you have to trade off having fun sex for a relaxing home life.

Obviously, she will immediately object to being cast as a matronly, non-sexual archetype, and seek to prove you wrong- that she can, indeed, be all the things you want and more. Because that, my baby ducklings, is what women do.  They want to be your everything. Your friend, your hot lover, your solace, your domestic Goddess.  They want you to be all things to them as well.  Basically, she will do it in order to prove herself, and because she doesn’t want to lose you.  Longer term, this will actually probably lead you to lose all respect for her and go elsewhere anyway, but this isn’t a tutorial on relationships.

Other options

If you really don’t feel like you can raise the issue any of these ways, or you do it and your partner is not up for it, you need to consider how important achieving a threesome is to you.  If it really is do or die, then you are going to have to do one of the following:

a) Cheat.

Yup.  Of the many ‘single guys’ on the scene, a lot of them are playing without permission.  If this seems a step to far and your missus is understanding but not remotely bi, then you may be able to get her to agree to giving you a hall pass.  This might be for a week or month, or indefinitely.  There are likely to be conditions attached to it, as to what you may and may not do without her.  If you violate these terms, it really is just the same as cheating (in her eyes), so be careful to what you agree to and make sure it’s realistic.  By imposing terms, it allows her to feel a sense of control about what is happening, and compartmentalise it.  If you violate the terms, she will feel not only cheated on, but that you broke the rules WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO SO. Somehow, that is actually worse.

b) Break up

If your sexual tastes are really so very different, then you need to consider that this is an aspect of incompatibility that is unlikely to change, however well suited you might feel you are otherwise.  If anything, the sex will get worse and more boring.  It always does. Breaking up because you want to explore your sexuality does not make you a dickhead. It is a fair and legitimate reason, whatever people might say.  Some journeys, you can take together.  Some, you really can’t.  If you really want to swing with a partner, go on the scene as a single guy and choose a woman who swings.  There are loads of them, most of whom are seeking a long term partner they can swing with, but are happy to ‘try before they buy’.  Short term partnerships can be fun too, and just as intense as anything you’ve encountered in the vanilla world.  Swinging as a single guy is, in many ways, easier than as a couple, provided you make some single female friends.  Treat them nicely and they will be the gatekeeper to a world of adventures for you.  Piss them off and you’ll struggle.  The unicorns are not solitary creatures; when you meet one, you meet a whole hive of connections.  Bear this in mind.

At the end of the day, you are in the best place to judge how your partner will respond, and what method will work with her.  There is no point resenting her or trying to pressure her into something if it’s not what she wants.  How would you feel if she was trying to pressure you into sex with another man?  Having said that, a great number of women are at least slightly bicurious, and may be happy to say, kiss another woman and stroke her breasts in front of you.  For some reason, a lot of women imagine that performing oral on another woman will be disgusting.  Fortunately, with very few exceptions, it tastes like chicken, and a darn sight better than the taste of cock.  Women are also generally quite understanding that men have a biological drive to conquer and spread their seed – to have sex with different types of women.  No woman believes she can be all of them for you, though she might wish to.  Generally, women are just happy to know that you like her the best, above and beyond all others.  That you find her hot, above and beyond all others.  That she has a special sacrosanct place somewhere in your heart.  They relish the opportunity to fill a new role with you, as your partner in crime having secret sexual adventures together, and being this amazingly fun, sexual being for you.  Your reticence isn’t that you are asking for something unreasonable- it is your fear of asking wrong and upsetting her, or your fear that you are, in at least some small part, doing it just to get guilt-free sex with other women.  The more you can consider things from her perspective and present it as a joint enterprise for you both to enjoy, the better it will go down.  And going down well is always a fine thing indeed. 😉

Time for that chat, Baby Ducklings xx


Unicorn interviews 5: The BDSM unicorn

So, what brought you to the scene originally?
It’s one of those things where you can look back and go, ‘oh yeah, those adverts from the sixties that are horribly sexist, with some housewife being spanked because she bought the wrong coffee…’ I remember being fascinated by them, I mean I couldn’t have described it, and I couldn’t have told you that that was what was interesting, but I do remember that there was something fascinating about it. I’ve always had quite vanilla partners, and there’s only so far you can push people, when it’s not their thing. Also without feeling like you are doing it wrong somehow.  Since my late teens when people started to talk about it, I knew what I had to do was different, and I knew I was getting it wrong. Because, you know, nice girls stay at home, and there’s all that kind of attitude still, so I just figured I had to tone it down a little and keep quiet, and do the normal thing.
How long have you been on the scene for?
I’m pretty new to the scene. It’s been about three or four months. Scary!
What are your observations so far?
For me, it was definitely s feeling of finding my tribe. So for me it’s been a very comfortable thing.  Also I haven’t come to it at 21, which for me I think has been a good thing.  I’ve come at a point where I’m really comfortable with this, because it is what I enjoy and I’m finding good people to enjoy it with, and friends, and the social scene, and all that side of it as well, which I think is important.  It’s not just I did this, or I did them. But its the whole kind of environment.  And I think that’s kind of essential. I don’t know if I’d have been as comfortable, or as confident in my early 20’s.
Which venues do you like the most?
I haven’t been around that long, so a limited amount. Torture Garden was my entry in, which I think it probably is for quite a few people. It’s fun there. And I love dress up in any way, shape or form. I have given drawers full of underwear and things that have had limited view time, so I think that’s actually..I know people get a bit snobby about it? Especially on the kink side? Kink light- in inverted commas. Actually I think there’s room for that kind of thing. It’s a damn good club night, with everything involved. Having said that, now I’ve kind of -about to say progressed. I’m not sure it is- but I’ve just ventured out.  I like DVS. Good nights there. It’s very newbie friendly. Can’t say I’ve done masses of events. I like Subversion Noir. That was, that was actually- I think I was a bit terrified of going.
So do you just do the BDSM events, or the swing ones too?
So I’ve done that night which was between the two. I’d say it was more swing oriented. I’ve been less confident about going to the swing stuff on my own. I think, because the impression I got, from random conversation and people’s impression of it, and also just because my initial exploration was around the BDSM side, having said that, I’ve every intention of going to Le Boudoir. That’s great, and I’m very comfortable.
They do have a dungeon downstairs too.
For me it’s not all or nothing. You know what I mean? It’s not that there’s any…some people like it isn’t..I totally respect it. Great, enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy. It’s like some people are into rope and that’s their thing, and that’s their only thing. Great! Enjoy. I like the variety.
How do you find people’s approaches have been? Have you had mostly single men, or couples approach, girls?
Yeah. It’s been more, I’d say.. so I’m on Fet**, and that’s how I got into it. So that is a lot of single guys. A lot with one line. You could do a course on that- how to write something! There’s a girl’s group that we’ve got- just a chat group- and we do actually regularly talk- there will be guys who scatter-gun copy and paste to basically the entire group. Now I have no problem, it’s a swinging site. It’s not about being a special snowflake, and that kind of thing. But girls talk! And it’s just entertaining. Especially when you see it across 14 different girls, you think ‘well, you’ve been busy’.
Does it make you feel less special?
Yeah. But I mean I didn’t come into it looking for a relationship, so I think that makes a big difference. So I think if what you want is a one to one, then you’re going to – a one to one partnership and you might swing, or a partnership where you get into kink and BDSM and that side of things, I think that’s actually harder, because it’s intrinsically a very open and very play-oriented place. There is a bit of an assumption that you’ll be up to it with everyone.
So you think it’s a good scene for singles, as opposed to couples?
Um, I think it depends what you want. I think if what you want is a relationship, that’s harder. I’ve fallen into one, which I wasn’t expecting at all, and wasn’t what I was looking for. We decided last week to call ourselves ‘dating’, we are not monogamous, because I think that would fail miserably, especially on my side. I’m probably more on the poly side than he is. We are taking it slowly and seeing how it goes. But I wasn’t looking for that. That wasn’t something that I went in for.
Do you think the two of you will be picking up single girls together?
Not at this stage. See it’s funny, because I’ve played with couples and I really enjoy it. That wasn’t something I went in thinking I had a particular…I like the idea of two guys, I didn’t have a particular thing in my head for a couple. But actually not just a guy and a girl- but a couple- where they’ve got a dynamic they’ve built: that place – there’s something about that I really enjoy When they are really comfortable with it.
So you are a true unicorn?
Yeah. And I didn’t know I – I mean it’s a term that sound’s nice. I’ll show you something because it will make you laugh – I did find a unicorn T shirt that I didn’t buy at TK Maxx because it’s a stupid amount of money for what it was, but I did take photos of it because I found it entertaining. Yeah, it’s all things. I’m Bi in the sense that I’m sexually attracted to women, I’ve never had a relationship with a woman- but I would have no particular problem- I have gone on dates with them – so for me there’s something about the couple dynamic that’s really attractive to me, if they’re in it together. I’ve had an experience where I was definitely the tick-list of ‘I’ve now slept with a woman’, and that was rather enjoyable! But it was early stages and you live and learn anyway, and make clearer what’s okay for you as well. That’s part of why I’m glad I didn’t come into it at 21, where I’d have felt like hell, and probably felt hugely insecure and horrible about the whole thing. This was like ‘Oh, okay’. Not something I’d do again. Not something I’m prepared to be again, but it’s not the end of the world.
So the couples that you decided to meet with- what was it that made you choose them out of all the, presumably, hundreds and hundreds, you get?
To be honest, they’ve been accidental for the most part. My first couple was before I came out on the scene. I was in America; in Miami, in a club, hammered. And a couple picked me up. It was totally unexpected. I would never in a million years have thought it, and I had a really good time. That was part of that whole kind of route into the scene. It is what I enjoy, and kind of- why am I not at least trying it to know? So the couple stuff has- I think it’s much trickier with messaging. I’m much more wary about it. It’s much harder just in terms of time. Finding time to meet people, finding time to meet a couple. Seeing if you get on with both of them. At events, it’s very comfortable. Because obviously you’re not trying to date them. You’re you know, it’s kind of an intrinsic thing. The downside of that is, for me it’s more about them – the couple, so I’m very aware of not pushing beyond boundaries that are clear it’s okay for me to go there? And obviously if you meet a couple after you, you can kind of expand those boundaries and its comfortable, and playful I suppose.
When do you think couples should talk about their boundaries, if they’ve decided on any?
I think they should have a good discussion. Because what it means, particularly if you are involving the BDSM side of it, it could have no sexual play, give or take. I have been in that position of not knowing ‘well can I kiss someone?’ or…it’s very much, for the most part, guys have no problem with you kissing their girlfriends, they are really fine with that! But then is she okay with me kissing him? That kind of thing. So for me, it’s a lot more attractive if they know where they stand, and the last thing I ever want to do is mess around someone else’s relationship. If it’s not right, don’t do it. Don’t do it because it’s on a website, or because it’s the thing you’re supposed to do to show you love them. You don’t. And if it is, what that would look like, is going to be different for everyone. I’m just starting to think, ‘well that’s something I have to think about’, dating someone. What am I comfortable with? I don’t entirely know. Some of that is, I guess, the person you’re with at the time and people you’re with, and keep talking about it?
Why do you think most couples have so much trouble finding a unicorn and closing the deal?
I think partly it is kind of intimidating coming into a couple’s dynamic. You know, if you’re in a good relationship, you’re a couple. As someone who likes that side of it, I quite like being fairly objectified- I like being the object of play, that’s fun for me. But it could mean that I could end up feeling very alone at the end of it, if I wasn’t comfortable, if things didn’t go the right way. If they just decided, ‘oh we don’t want to do this now,’ because they’re a couple then it makes a different kind of unit? So I think if you’re single then there’s a bit of an awareness of that. Also, you’ve got to be attracted to both of them. Both physically and who they are- because if you’re into the BDSM side rather than just the swinging side, then you’ve also got that element. Do you fit? Are the things that you like the same?
Do you find the treatment you get from people on the BDSM scene and the swing scene, in terms of couples, is quite different? Are there expectations?
Again, I can’t pretend to have any sort of expertise, partly because I’ve only had limited experience, and my swinging experience has been more sex stuff rather than couples, so I don’t know if I can give a really good answer to that. I’d say there’s a bit of a difference around the concept. So BDSM tends to be a lot more ‘ask first,’ you know, ‘what do you like, what’s okay?’ I think there is a little bit sometimes that the couples look for someone who is comfortable, or wants to do the things that maybe one of them doesn’t, or one of them would like to try. So if someone wants to try the cane and the other half isn’t into it, it’s okay doing it on someone else. whereas swinging isn’t like that. It’s more of a threesome, in that respect. But it’s a bit more ‘consent implied?’ Obviously you could say no at any time, and obviously that’s fine. It feels like a conversation. You don’t have a specific conversation before you start anything, of ‘where can I touch you, what are the no go areas,’ that kind of thing.
If you had a few top tips to give to a couple who decided to do this, and were totally new to it, what would you tell them? What is your main advice, from your experience?
Be really honest with yourselves about what it is you actually want. I mean it’s a nice thing, it’s like ‘I’m bored, we want another girl to play with’ – but to do what? Because if you know what you want, you’re much more likely to find someone who’s into a similar thing. And how that would work. And just kind of the basics, I mean can you accommodate, and a certain amount of reassurance about being normal human beings with lives and all that kind of thing. Because I think sometimes you can get caught up in this myth of who you have to be, and it’s …everyone has profiles.. it’s no different from the Instagram thing, everyone is showing a version of themselves, so it’s okay to, particularly if you are looking for something regular. I do things – I went to an event, which was very couple heavy. It’s a new one. And actually I think if you’re a newbie couple in general, it would be a really good type of thing. You’ve got singles and couples, it’s quite couple heavy, so it’s not just ‘you as a couple and a load of single people going, “Hey do you want me to play?”‘
That does tend to be a common scenario
I can see from that point of view as well, if you’re that couple, it’s very hard not to feel like you’re being predatory I’d have thought, even if you’re not, because it’s two against one, automatically. I do think there’ s something where it’s easier, and I’m saying this obviously because I’m bi and I love it too, it’s probably easier if women chat. But be really aware that someone might not like both of you. It think that’s just kind of…
Do you think couples should be more willing to split off?
Honestly, only if it’s a really good thing for them, I don’t think they should do it for the sake of ‘yeah there’s someone else,’ and I have heard stories from people where they’ve tried to get either the guy or the girl has approached them as a single person, and pulled them in as a dating thing, and then gone ‘oh, we’d like to introduce you,’ and actually introduce their actual partner.
It’s a nasty thing to do.
I’ve got a blog post on that! (How to fool a unicorn: The Silver Bullet)
It’s one of those things where you’re just like, ‘that’s a lot a) that’s a lot of work, b) that’s a really shitty thing to do to someone. Don’t do that!
It’s very often tried and very rarely done well. If it’s done well, you literally never know.
Seems like a lot of effort. I mean, I like straight talking. It’s one of the things I really like about both sides of the scene. It’s the straightforward honesty. I’m looking for sex. I’m looking for kink. I’m looking for someone to play with. I’m looking for someone to be my partner for ever. Or one of my multiple partners. And I really like this. It’s actually something, in more vanilla life is..amiss. I like it very direct, but I think an element of that would help most people’s relationships. That kind of ‘well what do I actually want?’ and the ability to say it. And if it’s not right for both of you then it’s not, and people have emotional egos and all that kind of thing, and egos get bruised I think. It’s also a reality sometimes you will get rejected, and it sucks. Even if it’s just on a night out, you know. That sucks. And that’s part of it. If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s kind of okay? No-one is going to be the right thing for everyone every time. It still sucks when it’s someone you quite like and, you know. Or everyone else seems to be getting it right and getting it together, and you’re like ‘Sigh. I’ll just go home then’. You know. I think there’s that side of it, which can be missed, because we are talking about all the wonderful swinging times we’re having, and they are. They’re great! I really enjoy myself. But, you know. You’ll always get an ebb and flow. I think whether you are a couple or single, the key is knowing what you actually want and why. If you’re not sure, wait. Find it because it’s right, not just because you have to tick it off a list. It’s not going to be great. And not everything’s for everyone.

**Fetlife website

Image from

Fab Swingers app as a single female

Following the Feeld review, I’ve started doing reviews of the different apps with regards to MFF potential.  No such enterprise could be complete without FABS.  To be fair, it’s not my first crack at this app.  I set up a new profile at midnight on this fine Monday, listing myself as a single female and asking for quotes to develop the blog in my profile. My picture, which takes a while to be approved, is only of my feet, but I currently sit as a grey silhouette while it’s moderated. So far, I have had 13 messages from guys, couples and a transvestite, including 5 unsolicited dick pics (if we also count the profile pics showing naked dicks).  The time is 00:07.  Nobody read the profile properly.

This is the downside to FABS as a single female- it is almost a victim of its own success. Pretty much everybody who wants casual sex, of any kind, in any place, is on it.  The single guys (and couples) on it who message prolifically are completely indiscriminate. Penises from Aberdeen, the USA, Cornwall, all clutter your inbox in picture form.  After a week or so of receiving literally hundreds of poorly thought-out and executed copy-and-paste mass-mailings a day on it, most girls will leave or, more prudently, change the filters of who can message them.  This makes it appear that there are very few girls when you try to search.  This is not actually the case, they are just hiding.

Single guys complain that on FABS they never have girls message them.  In fact, they complain that mostly it is other men messaging them, trying to turn them gay.  I’ve no idea if this has ever succeeded as a pick-up method, but it seems at least as likely a way of getting sex as opening with a dick pic to a random girl.

So, among all this, what is the point?  Fab Swingers actually has some great functionality. It’s free to use (with optional upgrades to access features that make life a bit easier) and you’ve good odds of accessing at least 95% of the casual sex partners available in your area.  It has forums.  It has verification features, so people can establish you genuine, and even write a little review on you (performance or otherwise).  It has options to update your status, add photos (public or private), save people as friends, chat on forums, and 2 really good features which I will highlight:

  1. The search function.  Are you looking for a 34 year old transsexual in Milton Keynes? Fab will find you one.  A non-smoking single bisexual girl who’s looking for a meet today in your town and can accommodate? Yup, that’s all searchable too. They don’t have to match with you for you to send a message, but whether you ever get a reply is another matter.  It happens sometimes.  I’ve replied to a few people on there, and even met with them.  They’ve been perfectly normal and good looking, although it really has been a needle in a haystack search.  The odds are good, but the goods are odd, as they say.  I think the deciding factors were that they had face pictures, were polite and didn’t show me their penis until we’d at least met.
  2. The Meets and Events function.  As a fledgling initiate of swing, you will rapidly find that one of the most efficient and cost effective ways for you to obtain a high success ratio is to get yourself in with a good social circle of like-minded people. Meeting people here and there is all well and good, but they are scattered about on different sites and it’s easy to lose contact before ever really getting yourself in with them as a friend.  Whether you feel ready to host an event (which we will discuss in another post) or just want to be invited along, being on FAB is a great place to start. There are parties, there are socials, there are private events and meets that you can approach the organisers about (who will often have a designated profile just for their parties).  Because of the verification system and the surprisingly small world the scene can be, you are rapidly likely to become someone who ‘somebody that’s going’ knows.  Failing all else, it’s a great way to just keep in touch with a wide circle of people you’ve met on your sexual adventures, but perhaps don’t feel the need to add to your Facebook.

Overall value? Definitely one for your social swinger arsenal.

Feeld as a single female

Dating apps have come a long way.  For every niche interest, there seems to be one.  Or ten.  A few days ago, I joined Feeld as a single female.  Lest you think I was performing some sort of seductive trickery, allow me to clarify.  My profile picture was an overexposed silhouette of my face with shades on in the sunshine, so I’m glowing like a featureless alien.  My profile states exactly what I’m doing there.


In less than 12 hours, I had over 1800 ‘curiosities’ (people waiting to match with me).  A couple of days later, I’m up to 2881.  Every person I swiped right on was an instant match.  I got up to 65 active matches before it became too unwieldy to manage the conversations.  Sorry to those who got frustrated and left before I could speak to them, I’d need a whole team of secretaries to stay on top of the apparent 10-30 minute window of expectation many had of a reply.  As a good and wise friend of mine said recently, ‘It’s fine to be intense, but you can still be rational.’

The first evening, I select a cute but inappropriately young single guy from the matches and we meet for a discussion.  We talk a bit about the app and he says there are hardly any single women on it.  Indeed, though I selected my matches indiscriminately from all categories as they appeared, I did not match with one single girl.  He says there are perhaps 20 single girls within his realistic travelling area.  I can believe it.  In addition to the disproportionate number of couples and single guys on other sex apps, Feeld is clearly aimed at unicorn hunting.  The number of single girls who actively seek this out is very low.  The girls who want this are usually pretty busy fielding their abundant prospects elsewhere.

The system of the app makes it difficult to identify whether someone has just matched with you or has sent a message, and the message reading system has some bugs in it that stop them showing unless you go in and out of the app repeatedly.  I thought this might be my phone, but many of the other users said the same.  There were a limited number of search options in terms of preferences, and limited required details for each profile. As rather an Amazonian, it would be helpful, for example, to specify men over my own height (a bit of a rarity).  You can set proximity, age range and type of profile.  That’s pretty much it.  There’s no search function by name or for friends, despite having the option to put your matches into groups.  So though I had some nice prospects I might have liked to share with my unicorn circle, I had no hope of actually finding them and putting anything together.

On the plus side, there are a huge number of very attractive single men on there- and furthermore men who are game for something more interesting than standard vanilla sex.  If you are a single girl seeking a hot single guy for MFF or kink, it’s an absolute treasure trove.  They tend to state their interests in little bubbles on the profile pages (which unfortunately you can’t search by), but you can rapidly see if your cute single guy is likely to press your buttons, and there’s no awkward ‘at what point do I bring this up so as to not waste time but also not be categorised as a voracious slut’ moment, like with many other apps.

Conclusion:  Guys and couples looking for a single girl are likely to struggle.  Kinky or swinger girls are likely to feel like they’ve struck oil.  So when you are having a Bonnie Tyler moment, and wondering where all the good men have gone, have a look on Feeld. That’s where they went.


Happy hunting, my baby ducklings!  xx

Metamorphosis isn’t just for unicorns

The reason we actually even started to think about expanding on our sexual experiences was somewhat random.  I was out with a gay friend in heaven and I got approached by a woman.  While flattered, I was too embarrassed and decided to decline, but it made me think a lot.  We spoke about the experience and discussed whether we would like to try a mff- we decided to give it a go but I think our attitude was more that we wanted to have an experience and didn’t really consider the other person.  I think we were probably very selfish.

We began to look on things like Craig’s List and a few other websites but got nowhere until we stumbled across KK.  We began to try and message women, but again I remember it was all about us looking for someone to fulfil our fantasy, rather than a meeting of equals…which obviously is just horrible.  I think what really made us realise what this is all about was ultimately meeting people and understanding that it is about building a relationship with someone, understanding what each person wants from the experience and then deciding if there is a mutual need.  I think that is very similar when you are single, or part of a couple or a threesome.  We can all be selfish but ultimately when you realise the needs of others then the whole experience is much more fulfilling.

The thought process has completely changed how we interacted with people, be it at a party, messages or in meetings, and has allowed us to build much stronger connections, which on occasion has led to really amazing meetings.  When we speak to women, often we hear that couples are just interested in their fantasy (which was where we started out), which is not fair on her.  She is there for her fantasy too.  Being open about this has lead to many interesting conversations with people.

Ultimately, meeting women who are interested in couples is tough, but then meeting anyone who you click with is tough.  Having a very strong appreciation of her, and not thinking of her just as a fantasy for your relationship, is really what is important in ultimately meeting and finding someone.  We just now speak to people, find about about them and then see if it goes anywhere.  I would say that most still go nowhere, but then we are happy with that as we probably wouldn’t have connected.

Female half of Nolan No.9, 20’s, Couple with over 1 year’s experience


Just as unicorns unknowingly embark on a journey of transformation throughout their time, so too do couples.  Nobody who makes the conscious decision to set out and create a MFF with their partner for the first time does so with an exact understanding of how best to achieve it.  In any situation of social uncertainty, it is easiest to retreat to that which we know well and are comfortable with.  We focus on our desires, the feelings of our partner about things, we dwell on the aspects we enjoy and feel supported with, and shy away from difficult terrain.

adult boy break browsing
Photo by on

We sit there and scroll through single girl pictures together and window shop.  We write a couples’ profile together, where we take turns to talk about how much we love and value each other.  How special our partner is.  How hot we find them.  How we definitely, definitely, don’t want to risk that.  Just so people know.  So they are warned.  So our partner feels safe.  We talk together about our limits, and hopes, and boundaries, and code words, and vetoes.  We are definitely working as a team.  And what a fun, sexy hobby we have together!  Bonnie and Clyde! We aren’t having much luck for some reason, when we try to pin the girls down to meet us, but hey, that’s just the way it is and we are having fun while reassuring each other.  This is phase one.  Many people never get beyond this.  They give up and find a different hobby, or worse yet trudge on the same way forever, because they aren’t prepared to step out of their comfort zone.

To move forward, as with any new activity you are trying, you need to accept that whatever handy skills you have in other areas, you aren’t a born black-belt at this. Nobody is.  From the learned pick-up artist to the natural charmer, you will have to find a way to open your mind and grow your skill-set a little.  You need to be ready to go on a journey too.  It’s not a ‘decide/goal-achieved’ endeavour, much as porn may tell you otherwise.  You can’t just pick up your ideal unicorn at a shop, tick a box and move on, feeling like a champion.  Odds are, that to achieve it at all, you are going to have to be prepared to learn how to do it right.  It’s going to take not just time, but letting down some defences about how you view yourself, and the willingness to risk trying things a new way.

Assuming that your unicorn hunting quest isn’t a fleeting idea, and that you and your partner trust each other, this can be as much of a bonding experience as the act of attending a party together or picking up a girl itself.  You are going to work on each other’s skills, and allow each other to experiment and grow.  Not just sexually, but by opening your minds to switch your point of view, from that of what you want to get, to showing that which you have to give.

If you are both good looking, fit, a good height, intelligent, charming and outgoing, these are characteristics that will certainly work in your favour, however alone they are never going to be enough.  In addition to everything you ever thought you knew about finding sex as a single person, you are going to have to learn how to alter your modus operandi, probably in effect since you were a teenager, to understand all the additional factors and dynamics that come into play when you are seeking casual sex with a unicorn.  Basically, you need to understand all the aspects that can put her off.  Let’s break these down.

  1. Physical – simplest one ever.  Either you or your partner are not her type.  It’s a one off, she’s not likely to get any of the benefits of your other fine qualities.  She’s got a lot of choice.  Do your best with looks but don’t sweat it too much.  Not everyone is always equally sexually attracted to each other.
  2. Hassle factor– Consider what you are asking of her in order to meet.  Is she going to have to travel far, have a back up hotel room in case you don’t gel? Is she going to want to have to pay out for that (in addition to all the waxing, new knickers and standard lady prep?) Are you offering her a nice event to look forward to, or is she viewing this as another thing to have to fit in to her cluttered schedule?  Are you making it an all or nothing sex meet, or is there a low key social meet you could do first?  You probably wouldn’t expect a single woman to meet you one-on-one and have sex straight away.   That’s a lot of pressure. Is there an easy-out for her if she doesn’t feel the vibe or decides to be friends?
  3. The dynamic between you and your partner – This is always going to be a tricky one.  You have a natural day to day dynamic, you are comfortable with your partner and that’s always going to be a safe place for you to hide in when you feel nervous.   You also want to reassure your partner and check they are okay at all times. If you stick together like glue, won’t stop holding hands, or basically carry on in a way that says you are such a tight unit that all others are excluded, then your vibe will put your unicorn off very quickly.  Sitting or standing together in your pair without interacting with others, working together too tightly on text chats or making constant references to yourself as a unit (aren’t you still individuals?) are unconscious moves that you see all the time in newbie swing couples.  You need to stop it.  If you use nothing else from this, use this.
  4. You/your partner isn’t holding up his/her end – If you are fortunate enough to have gained the preliminary interest of a unicorn, she is considering having an experience with both of you.  If not, your MFF won’t be happening.  It is not acceptable for one of your pair to do all the talking and flirting, even if there is a difference in your social skills or levels of experience.  If it’s just one of you, the unicorn will get the impression that the chatty one is the driving force, and the other is just along for the (unwilling) ride.  Why would she think this?  Because it’s very often the case.  More often than not, especially with inexperienced couples, one is clearly doing it to please the other.  Whatever they may say, there is sadness in their eyes and dryness in their underwear.   They are clearly taking part as a prisoner of their own psychological needs, not their sexual ones.  It’s not nice for anybody, and a unicorn with even a small level of experience will walk away if she gets a hint of it.  Work as individuals to chat and flirt, so she knows you both want her.  Put all your focus on her, until you’ve completed your mission.  You can debrief with your partner tomorrow, whatever the result- this is your only chance to win your unicorn.
  5. You aren’t impressing your value on her – On the internet, there is a theoretical infinite number of couples she could choose from, over time.  At a party, you will still not have the advantage of being the rare part of the threesome to acquire; however it is reasonable to assume that she has come there in the hope of having fun sex with somebody before the night is out.  This means you have to demonstrate yourselves as her best choice (or perhaps top three, depending on her appetites).  Show up well dressed and full of energy, life and soul of the party.  Chat to all the couples, the staff, laugh, dance, really put your best foot forward and shine in the crowd.  Do it right from the start, first impressions count.  If your unicorn has met you privately, go full charm offensive and make sure she has the best night ever.
  6. You aren’t closing the deal – I always found this to be the trickiest part, probably because as a woman it’s not something you often have to do in the mono vanilla world.  If you find the chat drifting back to small talk, then up the flirting.  Initiate body contact (not groping!), express in your body language that you are sexual animals. A nice move is if you both initiate soft foreplay-style stroking and kissing, both focusing all your attention on your unicorn.  This leaves little doubt that you are both ready to go and happy to participate fully.  Don’t expect your unicorn to close the deal for you- but should it happen, feel free to jump at the chance.
  7. You are shoe-boxing her – Your unicorn wants to be seen, appreciated and respected for the individual she is. Don’t tell her what to wear, what she’s supposed to do that you’ve decided on together (if you have rules about something specific you don’t want, by all means discuss it with her, but this isn’t a business contract). She isn’t there to enact your precise fantasy or do what you say, she is there to enjoy the moment, as should you both be.  Surrender of control to sensation is all part of the heady mix that makes MFF so wonderful.  If you are dead set on an extremely specific set of actions and rules, it is better to hire an escort.

The more you practice different approaches and techniques, and the more you analyse what did and didn’t work with your partner afterwards, the faster your skills will progress and the more successful you will be.  By socialising with everyone on the scene, rather than just your unicorn targets, you also get to build a network of like-minded friends.  While you may not want to have sex with them, this is an excellent way to have friendly faces to chat to at the next event, boosting your confidence, and earning you invitations to private events.  The more at home you become, the better your game will be.  The more you can filter out distractions and anxieties caused by unfamiliar context, the more you can focus in on the fine details that make the crucial difference.  You can hone your skills, experiment with technique and evaluate your progress with a sharp eye.  Suddenly, you are not baby ducklings at this any more.  You know some things.  You can look back and see how far you’ve come since you took your first steps out of your initial mindset.  Your journey is well underway.

man in brown long sleeved button up shirt standing while using gray laptop computer on brown wooden table beside woman in gray long sleeved shirt sitting

The sparkle to draw the unicorns in

The world is a changing place; I think more and more people will be open to non conventional relationships.  I think many unicorns wish to be captured.  It’s remarkably common.  We just find more and more single girls approach us and in normal settings – not just sex parties.  I would say most weekends a girl approaches us with the intention of some mischief.  My other half is very striking though, she is 6 foot – 6’4 or 6’5 in heels.  When we are out we are clearly having a good time.  I think that’s the main attraction.  My partner would say that the girls want to be with me but are going through her…but I think they actually want to be with her.  I would say that I get a lot of attention BECAUSE of my partner.  We both draw attention I suppose.  Hard not to notice us…For quite some time we suppressed our erotic side.  I don’t actually think our erotic side is ‘dark’.  I think when we are out we just look like we are happy together…but also playful with others.  We were at one masquerade party in Dublin in April- now it wasn’t a sex party – five separate girls asked if they could come home with us.  One would not accept no for an answer, as she was besotted with my lady.

Dark Knight & Lady Darkness, 43, Sapiosexual couple on a mind exploration journey

Standard pick up theory that men use to acquire vanilla girls, talks a lot about projecting an image and becoming the alpha male in the room.  Though a lot of pickup theory ceases to be relevant, or is turned on its head (for example, demonstrating value as a one-off sexual partner rather than as a general partner) when in the swing scene, there are elements of it that are still helpful to have in your arsenal.  For this reason, here we have a little overlap of worlds.

I went to an ‘elite’ swing party with a single girl to try out a new venue once- we were on the dance floor, glow bands on our wrists announcing us as targets for the world to see.  She rapidly decided to dance naked, as she likes to do.  We were pretty much the only ones stood up.  All around the walls, like 11 year olds at a school disco, couples sat together tightly in their pairs, looking awkward.  Not speaking.  Not dancing, or mingling, or moving, or projecting any energy other than a defensive one.  They carried on largely this way for a good couple of hours.  These are people who had paid the rather hefty couples’ ticket prices to either partner swap or pick up single girls, yet they sat there rather miserably wasting time.  I even tried to jolly a few into a chat or a dance, but they were all just rabbits in the headlights.  They had become the Omegas in the room.

Contrast this to the tale above, where the couple are enjoying life, each other and projecting a positive, open energy wherever they go.  People like positive people.  People like fun, open people, they feel safe with and don’t have to work too hard to crack into on a surface level.  We all have times where we feel on fine form- looking and feeling good, and everything just seems to fall into place for us at those times.  People seem friendly, things go right.  Equally, we have a ‘bad day’ where everything goes wrong.  Certain people just seem to radiate charisma – the lucky devils.  Fortunately, charisma is not generally innate- it is a learned skill.  The more time you spend actively radiating it, the easier and stronger it becomes.  You may initially feel like a fraud.  Luckily, nobody can tell the difference between fake and innate charisma – it will all work for you.  Getting into character- finding a way to turn on this mode when you aren’t feeling it- is like the starter motor to your car.  The detonator to your dynamite.  Or, as I like to call it, Dumbo’s feather.

photography of a woman holding lights
Photo by Matheus Bertelli on

I once knew a guy.  This guy was nothing to look at most of the time.  He mumbled, he slumped.  You’d walk straight past him.  Yet he had a transformation routine.  The glasses would come off and the contacts in.  The hair would go up with wax.  The cologne would go on.  Ahh, the cologne.  That was his Dumbo’s feather.  He swore it made girls fall at his feet.  Suddenly, with this little ritual, Clark Kent was Superman.  He stood tall, radiated happiness, oozed sex appeal.  He basked in the glory of his own value and attractiveness. We had single girls try to pick us up for threesomes at regular, vanilla venues. He was the Fonz, the rock star of any room.  All because of the cologne?  His favourite pick up line was, “Do you like sex?”  and it worked.

To a large extent, everything you do to put yourself in the zone where you are feeling good and beaming out sunshine, is your Dumbo’s feather.  adult celebration cheers congratulationsYour expensive clothes, your hairstyle, your abs, your chat up lines;  everything that you put faith in to make you attractive, other than putting faith in yourself.  Reality is, you don’t need any of it- only you do. Because whatever your magic switch to turn your inner light on is, that’s fine. Use it all the time.

This really steps outside the realms of strictly obtaining MFF threesomes to general influence and charm, and you can work on it in any sort of self-help or standard pick-up book.  The only reason to add it here, is to say don’t forget to keep using it.  Your status as a couple should mean you are both burning brightly with charisma and bouncing off each other, not relying on each other for support, to avoid projecting yourself out there.

Photo by Pixabay on

Unicorn interviews 4

Naughty Naturist, over 40, predatory unicorn

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?

Suppose so.

How did your first experience with a couple come to happen?

I have actually never done a couple.  Maybe I don’t count as a unicorn?

Please describe what you enjoy doing.

I like group sex.  Especially when there are more guys than girls.  Best scenario- 3 guys, me and one other girl, or me and 2-3 guys

How do you select which groups to join, or how do you select who to include in yours?

Watch them- see what they are doing and see if it turns me on.  If the action is hot then I’m tempted.  I particularly like a nice hard cock.  Often they are not hard at parties.

How would you approach someone you were keen to play with?

Sometimes just move closer and use body language until they invite me- or sometimes just ask directly.

How do you like to be approached?

Eye contact, beckoned over or directly asked.  I wouldn’t agree until I saw them in action; I don’t do pre-arranged, as I only know if there will be chemistry when I see it.

Apart from a hard cock, what would make you select somebody you saw?

Decent body, energy, passion – like they are really into it and not just playing about or showing off.  Girls often fake enjoyment.  Guys too.

If a guy has come to an event as a single, how could he win your attention?  Would he need to be having sex with another girl first?

I don’t like surprises so I’d like to see the action first ideally.  Although I have made exceptions now and again for particularly attractive men.

Have you ever had a man or couple decline when you asked to join?

Once I think- a guy said no because his wife didn’t agree to me having him.  That’s the only time I can remember.  Probably because I only wanted him, not her.

You said you don’t do couples, but you do at parties, is that right?

I haven’t ever.  Only singles in groups.

Um.  I’ve seen you.


At KK – the 18 year olds.  He fired cum all over you.

Oh yes! Forgot about them.  And that posh couple at TK.

Plus that hipster and his girlfriend, where you kept talking about (removed) until he went soft.

Oh yeah, haha.  OK with couples they need to both be relaxed and totally open.  And equally hot.  There’s often a disparity – hot woman with not so hot guy.

Why do you think that is?

Dunno Really.  Fewer attractive men around?  Women care less about looks?

Do you usually play with both of a couple or just the man?

Depends.  With the posh couple I went down on her while he fucked me, then I gave him a BJ while she played with me.

What are the worst approaches you’ve had?

Uninvited touching/grabbing.  Just because I’m naked, doesn’t mean you can touch me.  And just because I’m at a sex party, doesn’t mean I want to fuck you.  Cheesy chat up lines are equally horrible- too many OTT compliments are a turn off.

What is it about group sex that you really enjoy?

The variety, the chemistry, bodies moving together, giving and getting pleasure.  Exciting visual stimulation, too.

How do you think other women feel about you?

Well, hmm.  I have been called a ‘boner stealer’. Ha ha.  I do aim to get what I want, so I guess some see me as quite selfish.

Do you see yourself as more predator than prey?

Yep.  I want it my way or it’s no way.

Would you advise ‘unicorning’ to other women?

Only if they are in it 100% for their own pleasure and sexual development – not as a stop gap until they find a real boyfriend, and definitely not if they think they will find a partner on the scene.

Do you find it empowering?

Absolutely.  I’m in it for me- totally.

What do you feel you have learned since you first started?  How has your view changed?

Blimey, loads.  My view of men has changed a lot.  Most of the guys I’ve had sex with at parties are totally respectful and willing to please – they get that women are in control here.  I did think there would be a lot of sleazy guys who couldn’t get sex anywhere else, but that’s not true.  Most just want hot sex with willing partners.  They often can’t find women who will be adventurous outside of the scene.

What do you imagine as your fairytale ending?

There are no fairytale endings.  What would anyone want to end up stuck up in a castle with a prince for?

Do you think any woman would be justified in being fearful for her relationship if she and/or her partner had sex with you?

Not if it was at a party or event – it’s a safe space for exploring.  I’ve heard of some guys in couples seeing women privately – I wouldn’t do that.  I go to parties looking for fun and hot sex – not a husband.

Please tell me a story of a really fun experience you’ve had.

I went to Cap D’Ague and had amazing fun at a pool party.  Three hot guys sitting on the edge of the pool- I swam over and started sucking him.  The other two join in, one fucking me from behind. Then I suck each of the other two in turn.  Had loads of exciting experiences at Cap.  Ended up with a girl joining in too and we had a session on the sunbeds.

What events and venues do you feel would be most suitable for single guys or couples looking to try their first MFF?

KK (Killing Kittens).  Comfortable environment, usually friendly people and the staff are really helpful too.  Usually a few new people too.

What advice would you give to anyone looking to explore sexually with MFF and/or group sex?

Go to parties, then you will meet people to connect with.  Be friendly with everyone- it’s not just about sex.

Do you feel that there are any myths about sex parties?  What have you found to be untrue?

Not everyone will want to have sex with you.  The women are not free whores.

Do you ever worry about meeting someone from your outside life on the scene?

No, because if they were there then we are both doing the same thing so what’s the issue?

Do you feel sex parties and swinging fit in with feminist ideals?

Totally.  It’s about what I want to do on equal terms with men.  I feel sexually equal at sex parties – I don’t have to pretend to be the stereotype of a girl who is ‘hard to get’ or is ‘prey’ for a man.

Do you think you are perceived differently from ‘vanilla’ women?

Yes- I think men on the scene would not consider me as a girlfriend as I am too equal sexually.  Men don’t want that in a partner usually.  There is a double standard, that’s for sure.  Guys are ‘meant’ to explore and want sex with more than one woman at a time.  It’s not seen as ‘usual’ for women to enjoy group sex with more than one guy.

If a man were to take a shine to you, what would it take for him to tie you down?


Ha ha.

I don’t tend to see any of the guys I have sex with at parties outside of parties, so the opportunity to get to know them or ‘fall for them’ never arises.

Any final words of advice for those new to the scene?

Just relax and see what happens.  You’ll soon see what sort of things you’re attracted to. And if not, you’ve lost nothing.





* image by @joannathangiah

Sheep turned wolf turned shepherd My story: how you know I’m not talking out of my ass.

This is the part of a book I always skip – the smug bio. Yet I cannot tell you the ultimate answer without taking you through a bit of my journey, so I will skip the boring bits and be sure to include lots of sex and useful advice for you.  Mercifully for you and I alike, this is far from the full story.
After a long overdue divorce from a monogamous marriage, I was set to explore my sexuality and tick off my fantasy bucket list. After dating a few guys (and a girl), I felt I’d like to try a threesome. It had always been an interest, and since I was a teenager, my favourite witty answer to the question ‘what is your favourite position?’ was always ‘In the middle’. I was way out in the sticks, overworked and with little free time or money (as has been much the way of my life until recently), so I perused the vanilla dating sites like plenty of fish and zoosk, without much luck. I managed to meet a few guys who were keen to try a threesome, or who had had a drunken unplanned one once, but were hoping to go about it properly. My forays took me further afield, to the likes of, where I probably received a larger flurry of dick pics than at any other point in my life, but finding a suitable female still seemed to evade me. Eventually, I struck up a long distance relationship with an old friend overseas, and removed myself from the world of internet dating (in those days, I believed in love and intimacy and monogamy). After a difficult and somewhat fiery and insecure time, engendered by isolation and communicating only by messenger for months at a time, we went our separate ways, and I returned to my original mission. It’s about to get interesting, I promise.
I was asked to a killing kittens party as a first date. I’d never heard of it, and was a little taken aback, but I considered it, researched it extensively, bought some new underwear and had myself all set for an adventure at an elite swingers party. In the end the guy bailed the day before, but I’d psyched myself up enough that I went on the forum and chose someone else to escort me, who actually turned out to be taller and better looking than the first one anyway. We met briefly for coffee at the station, me walking in in a sense of deep surrealism at the prospect of what was to come, high heels and cocktail dress on. He was classy, charming and good looking, and we chatted for fifteen minutes, I and this perfect stranger, before heading off to my first sex party together.
The venue was opulent- the top two floors of a hotel, sparkling clean chrome and marble, hot tub on the terrace, champagne at the bar. Everyone was dressed beautifully in designer suits and cocktail dresses. The theme of the night was ‘diamonds and pearls’. As we ascended the stairs, I found myself clinging to his arm of my protector, this complete stranger less than half an hour ago, as I entered a strange and unknown world of promise.
As we passed the first bedroom, a beautiful Eastern European lady, a dead ringer for a young Mila Kunis, was on all fours on the bed with a playmate, wearing nothing but a string of pearls around her neck, beautiful firm breasts and slim but shapely hips on display. She looked up with her enormous smokey eyes, and called me over to join her. I was a little bit in love. She pulled me in and kissed me, discarding her playmate and taking my companion’s cock in her hand, as she encouraged me to stroke her breasts and murmured to me in a delicious accident I couldn’t identify. She led a tactile, sensual exploration with us both, and took me under her wing for the night. We played sex dice. We played dare in the hot tub. We played spin the bottle. I drank more champagne through nerves than I would usually be able to stand up with, but as the night progressed I relaxed more and more, and joined in with a beautiful blond 18 year old girl who whispered to me that she had never orgasmed, and later an orgy with a foxy oriental girl. I only had sex with the man I came with. Suddenly, at 3am, the lights came on, and the party was over, much to my regret. My companion escorted me to the train station, where he waited with me for the early train, both of us soaked through from the rain. I never saw Mila Kunis again.

My companion started chatting to me about his life, his fears, his job, trouble with an old flame, a girl he fancied at work. It seemed like a strange sort of post coital intimacy – almost a counselling session. After I got home, I realised he had left his mask in my bag, a red and black Venetian affair that looked quite costly. I messaged him to thank him for the evening and ask if he wanted it back. My message was rejected. I never saw him again. This was the first of a few lessons I learned about the artificial intimacy that attending a sex party together can engender. I was a little surprised, but not heartbroken. I was, however, quite hooked on the luxury and freedom I had experienced, and was set to go to the very next one I could find.
Having been once, I set out to go to the next party as a single girl. The day beforehand, I received a message from a cute, petite brunette with creamy skin, and lovely soft natural breasts, saying it was her first and she would like someone to go in with. This would be my first foray into the ease with which two single girls can achieve an mff, as opposed to hunting with a male partner.
We entered the scene and slipped into the giant hot tub, talking and kissing, stroking each other’s skin. A lovely 21 year old called Steve came over and we said hello to him. It was his first party and he had been brought by friends, so he wasn’t in a couple. We casually enticed him to join us and began a lovely MFF threesome, in a circle facing each other in the hot tub. We kissed, he kissed her, while I kissed her nipple, his hand slid down my buttocks. It was a beautiful, calm and erotic meeting of equals. He had sex with both of us, while we caressed each other’s bodies. The firmness of his male body contrasted beautifully with the softness of her skin and curves, for a delicious sensation I would be forever hooked on. It was lovely. There was no drama. It was a sensuous, primal experience one could be lost in for days, all thoughts of daily life, responsibilities, anxieties, anaesthetised by pleasure. Steve thanked us and left the hot tub, all of us blissed out and smiling. I never saw him again.
Next we talked to a Brazilian couple. She had enormous breasts and a curvaceous figure, with adult braces on her teeth, that I found perversely arousing. I didn’t find her partner attractive (as is so often the case with couples, I’m afraid) but he was part of the deal, I was in a euphoric afterglow and I was ready for another hit of pleasure to resume the dreamlike state. The two of us joined the couple, me kissing the girl, moving down her neck from the sharp braces on her teeth, holding and squeezing her gigantic breasts as the floated and bounced in the delicious warm water of the hot tub, my petite new friend’s hands on me here and there, blurring the lines of who was doing what, as I melted into the ecstasy that comes with losing focus as multiple hands glide over your body. Her boyfriend entered me from behind, rousing me from my stupor of pleasure. He hadn’t asked to, but I hadn’t said not to, and perhaps it was expected? I flailed for something to say, caught out in the agony peculiar to the British, of trying very hard not to be rude. “Um… are you wearing a condom?” I said in the end. He was. Then I didn’t say anything else. In for a penny, in for a pound. It was odd being penetrated by a man I hadn’t chosen and wasn’t attracted to, but he wasn’t especially well endowed and I kind of decided to roll with it. We were struggling a little with the geometry of the foursome, the depth of the water and the other people at play around us, so we all decided to go to a ‘private cubicle’. These cubicles were like a sauna- tiny and claustrophobic, blisteringly hot and with just a narrow wooden bench running along one side. We resumed play, this time the Brazilian girl fingering me and my petite friend, but she was quite rough and unskilled. They were both quite rough, and after a few minutes I excused myself, saying I needed water, as the whole thing had become unpleasant. I abandoned my petite friend to them, which I do feel a bit bad about in hindsight, but I just needed out of the tiny sweltering room of clumsy hands. I went to the bar, my head rather aswim, and went to order a rum and coke.
There was a cute dark haired bartender, little beard and an accent I that I struck up a conversation with. He said I looked sad. I didn’t really know what to say, I was still processing. I mumbled something vague about just having a break. He was gay, Greek and eighteen years old, and he gave me a free drink and a passionate kiss to cheer me up. He also decided to give me some life advice, “You will find your Prince Charming, but it won’t be here.”
He was very right, and very wrong.
As I stood by the bar, a few different people said hello, and promptly asked to play. I told them all I was just having a break for the moment, and went over to the seating area, which was a bit cooler and seemed to be less of an action zone. I was approached by a funny little Egyptian man, completely bald and stark naked, except for a top hat. He wasn’t quite the ‘sexual elite’ I was expecting, but he seemed quite a character and we had a chat for a while. He was quite funny. He said he’d brought a beautiful red haired lady with him, ity was her first party and she liked to play with girls, but needed a bit of loosening up. Indeed, she was a fine thing to behold when she appeared, with long auburn hair and perfect milky skin, tall and beautifully proportioned, with a quiet, elegant grace to the way she moved and spoke. I rapidly turned seductress, and was on top of her on one of the sofas, again enjoying the evening, its unpredictable pleasures and adventures. We got quite a crowd of spectators with our little lesbian display, the blonde and the redhead. A guy came up behind me and stuck his finger inside me. I said go away, and resumed.

Shortly after I discovered I was being entered by the little man in the top hat. This really wasn’t what I had signed up to at all, but the British awkwardness at being rude was still there inside me, and after a couple of minutes I just made my excuses and left them to it together. By this point I was not feeling in the best of spirits, and I got dressed. A very attractive young couple were in the changing room doing the same. “Leaving too?” I asked them.
“Its gross, there’s condoms floating in the hot tub, I just can’t handle that,” the beautiful young man said, as he pulled on a quality white shirt over his lovely torso. For them, the spell was broken for a different reason.
I went out to the bar, and looked around. There was a dark blonde in a little black dress standing by herself, looking somewhat unhappy. Misery loves company, so I went to talk to her. She said she was a novelist, who had come for material. We chatted for a while, other girls joined us, and the mood lifted. It wasn’t sex, it was social, but intimate. A guy who looked a bit like Hugh Jackman asked us to join him for an after party at a hotel, there seemed to be a big group of beautiful people going, taxis were scattered around and somehow myself, the dark blonde novelist and a pretty brunette who worked in hospitality ended up in a rickshaw, being peddled down the winter streets, talking intimate things and intermittently kissing. “I miss my boyfriend”, I said.  And I did.
When we got to the hotel, the others had gone in, and we were left with Hugh Jackman, but the security at reception wouldn’t let us in, as they said the hotel was at capacity. We stood in the cold street, discussing what to do. A very drunk lost Australian in his late 20’s, with an incredibly expensive suit on, was hovering nearby. He had taken a taxi to the wrong hotel, and now hadn’t a clue how to get back, as he’d forgotten the name and didn’t know where he was. The hospitality girl miraculously figured it out, and helped him order a cab. When we turned around Hugh Jackman had gone, abandoning the three of us to sneak in to the after party alone. The girls gave each other a look, and the hospitality girl suggested we all come back with him to get him home safely. I’d no idea whereabouts in the city we actually were, but they told me it was pretty far out, and I didn’t really have the funds to shell out for a cab alone. But that’s an excuse. The truth is, the twisty strange night had left me feeling adrift, and I was just going wherever the current was leading.
We took the taxi together to what turned out to be an incredibly plush hotel, with an executive suite. The Australian reclined on the bed, and the three girls stood around the room, all delicately approaching the subject of what to do next. He was quite good looking, and there was a strange sexual energy in the air. I think it was me who asked if he’d ever had three girls at once. That night, he did. My first MFFF, although it mainly seemed to be foreplay in pairs and then swapping. He took a shine to hospitality girl, who he fondled all night when we had finished and snuggled up together in the king size bed to sleep, for the hour or so that was left of the night. The next morning I was feeling unsatisfied, and as he played with me I said I wanted a ride. I climbed atop his hard cock and rode him cowgirl until he came. He then went to shower, the novelist said she had to be at work and left, and I reclined on the bed with hospitality girl, giving her gentle kisses in our new shared intimacy. He came back out the shower. “Shit, where’s my watch?”

It turned out he had gone out the night before for drinks, wearing the £15,000 Submariner that his wife had given him. I certainly didn’t have it, I hadn’t noticed it on and I suggested maybe he’d lost it while drunk. He did a frantic search of the bedroom. Whether one of the other girls took it, I’ll never know. I left with hospitality girl, took her details and she saw me off with a lovely gentle kiss on the lips at the tube station. I messaged her the next day. She didn’t reply. I never saw her again.
On the train home, I was in a tired, hungover state, trying to decompress the night’s journey. I’d had four cocks inside me in one night. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. My previous record was one. Should I chalk that up as really successful? Did that make me a massive slut? Was it a great night, or should I feel violated? I hadn’t said no, but I certainly hadn’t wanted two of them. It was oddly dis-empowering. Why didn’t I have the self esteem to just stand up for myself and say no? I hadn’t been expecting it- I thought the men were supposed to wait to be invited. Perhaps that was naive. Or was I an easy target there by myself? Should I have told security? In the end I emailed the party company to explain what had happened. They apologised and offered me a free party, but I didn’t feel like going to one any more. Turns out I’d be back though, later on.
That’s far from the last time I’ve had the ‘slip in quietly’ tried on me. It is, however, most certainly the last time they got away with it. My ducklings, be warned. If you approach me at play, you’d better have been invited. Cross the stealth strategy right off your list as of now. If I want you to join me, I will ask you. Do not interrupt me at play and ask, you will be firmly told to go away. As for sliding an errant paw onto me, or worse yet coming up behind me with your cock in hand, a tongue lashing is the very least of what you can expect. I will have you ejected and banned from the venue, and have been known to give a good flogging as an alternative. Yet from that night, I never attended a party alone again. I make sure I’m with someone who’s got my back. And I have theirs. So when you see the unicorns at a party, and they seem kind of bad ass, now you know why. Our soft clay has been baked in the heat of experience. We have become hard like diamonds, through necessity.

Let’s not dwell on this though, we all live and learn. And, as I said, I would be back. Let’s skip to the good bit.


I got back with my overseas boyfriend, who was also mercifully always a bit of a sexual deviant like myself. I changed my profile from single girl to only seeking single girls, with an aspiration that we might find a playmate while he visited. My messages dropped from 10 a day to none. I was a little puzzled by this, but that was before I knew how it worked. My attempts to find a unicorn came to nought.
Later, we went our separate ways again, on better terms this time, and after a brief and awful foray into the world of vanilla dating (where I got ditched by a guy after he failed to get it up), I was keen to re-establish my sexual prowess. I didn’t want to go to the parties alone, however, so I set out to find a suitable party partner to watch my back.

Single guys, single guys…..I scroll the profiles, look for someone who can spell, that I can wear my heels with, who probably isn’t a creep……………….
The profile write up was cute. Straight forward. The profile pictures were a bit naff, wasn’t sure how he’d look in person. But nice and tall, which is rare for me as I put my party heels on and I’m 6’2. I strike up a text chat. He’s a newbie to the scene, looking for guidance. I’ve been before. I’m looking for backup, and a chance to regain some of the sexual liberation and attractiveness I’d felt before. I offer to be his guide. We briefly video chat, and he’s cuter than I’d thought. My phone rings and I have to curtail it. He sends me his phone number and the next day I message to say hi.
‘Who’s this?’
‘Do you give your number to a lot of people?’
‘Actually, today yes, I was at a reunion’
I send this:


He laughs. He knows who it is now. We keep up this light and friendly banter by text throughout our time together. Almost throughout. Me in the role of mentor, he in the role of enthusiastic protege. It was a fun game.  Largely bullshit, but fun nonetheless.
I meet him for sushi. He’s charming in person; calm, balanced, intellectual. Knows all the right things to say, with an affable schoolboy innocence and a kind of lightness of demeanor usually reserved for those who have had an easy life. He doesn’t seem to be aware that his is a rare combination. The conversation is easy, fun, relaxed. He asks to kiss me outside and as he does so I break into an uncharacteristic blush, which he notices. I agree to go back to his place for a ‘trial run’ before the first party. I’m nervous, but he’s playful. The sex is amazing. But as he approaches orgasm, whenever he starts to come close, he throws himself away from me. I’ve never known another person to do that. Not in the literal sense anyway.
I straddle him and he comes hard. I’m hot and steamy now. I say that this is why parties are good, because when you wear out one man, you can have another. He says he can’t do that. I say I want to try. He is astounded to find that he can. “That’s not happened in years.”


We have sex in the shower, with me on tiptoe. He massages my back afterward. I head off, a little giddy and happy as hell. I’m due to meet a couple for a party that night.
My couple is lovely. She, a beautiful curvaceous brunette, her husband an incredibly sweet man who clearly adored her. We drank wine and met with another single female who was a friend of theirs. She wasn’t really single, and wasn’t a unicorn as such- she was more of a ‘hotwife’. We have a lovely dinner and the couple pay for my dinner and wine (I’m a little tipsy by now) and my entry and membership to the venue. It’s a new venue for me, and I’m struck by how different it is to what I expected. The place is nearly empty, with a middle-aged transvestite in a rubber maid’s uniform and heels strolling around. It looks like a youth club, that has been filled with every imaginable sex and kink toy. I’m rendered impotent by the alien nature of the place to me. Even when the female of my lovely couple sashays up to me, in just a bra and thong, sultry, seductive eyes burning into me, I can’t do a thing. I’m just not in the zone. She frolics about with her friend a little, and the husband gently talks to me, saying he’s happy for something to happen as a three too, but he takes a back seat as his wife likes to do the hunting. There is a sadness in his eyes, and this is something I have gradually come to notice with couples. In more cases than not, there is one who is more into it than the other. One likes to hunt, the other likes to please their partner. It’s not always in the gender roles you would expect, either. When it is the woman who is faking enjoyment, I can tell. I don’t care how much she screams and writhes about, if your nipples are soft and you are dry and tight, you are just a big phony, and it feels like I’m raping you. I don’t like it.

In the end, I don’t do anything with them, though I do stay in touch and hope to see them again. It’s still not happened, but it was certainly my intention. Of the two new things I’d encountered that day, the place and the man, I could not have been more wrong in my initial assessment. The funny little sex-toy youth club has become a favourite haunt of mine- a home away from home, where I have excellent frolics with the unicorns in my life. Yet the man is dust.
But that is all a year or more away so we will talk about my first party as a guide to the world of swing. It’s a good one. There’s lots of sex.
We don our masks; myself in a sparkly gold one, he in the one left in my bag from my first ever party night. It seems fitting, somehow. He scrubs up nicely. I’ve ‘groomed’ (for want of a better word) a few attractive couples online, who are also attending the party. It’s a good show. Everyone looks amazing. That strange, first party intimacy descends on us and my protege kisses me passionately in the corridor. We meet the couples and chat. We end up having a foursome tucked away in a corner at the end of the evening, the thrill of being caught adding to the excitement. He reveals he isn’t quite new to the arts of seduction: he used to be a pro. But the swing scene is different- the rules are different – and he wanted a guide. We discussed strategies in the lead up and throughout. We end up going back with one of the couples to their apartment- exquisite and high above the city, floor to ceiling glass walls. We start making out in the kitchen, and ask them to join us. She starts putting some washing in, and they have a small domestic row about household chores, oblivious to us on the kitchen counter, me perched on the marble top and him standing before me, cock inside me, as I quietly whisper in his ear “I don’t think this is normally how it’s supposed to go.”

Eventually the couple settles, and we all play on the couch, her riding her partner, hand on my partner’s cock, him unsure if he’s supposed to touch her or not. I’ve left a puddle on the counter top and floor from our earlier frolics. The male half of the other couple finishes, and they resume light arguing. We make our excuses and leave. I didn’t clean up my puddle. I hope they didn’t slip over.
We get back and debrief. We talk strategy. Despite the weirdness of the night, he liked it. I leave the mask on his bed, like a trophy. I don’t expect to hear from him again. The next day, I get a message. He wants to do more parties. He wants to set up threesomes together. It looks like I have a new partner in crime. I see him again soon after, and I feel like he’d be quite easy to get rather fond of. I say so, by text. He says ‘That’s cute’.

I back off.
From that point I had a new partner in crime. Yet there always seemed to be some sort of drama with a ‘crazy female’ getting doe-eyed on him and then causing chaos, one after another. I tried to tolerate it, but it was damn inconvenient. We worked on scoring a private threesome. I quickly learned that, despite his charm and knowledge, he was absolutely awful at identifying a suitable target. He would show them to me, and I’d give feedback. “She’s looking for a boyfriend. See the text in the profile? She keeps using words like ‘intense’ and ‘passionate’. She’s not going to be a good target, there will be drama. See this one? She says she’s slightly bi-curious. You know what that means? It means its bullshit and she’s just saying it to sound hot, and like she might be a suitable partner for you”.
He never listened, so we had drama after drama, spare F after spare F cancel on us. Meanwhile we both tried to hone our skills and up our game, bouncing ideas off each other and freewheeling through a journey of exploration, always trying to find the common denominator, the perfect equation that adds up to three. We achieved one threesome. There was immediately drama from the spare F. I’d taken the approach of downgrading my involvement to a casual kinky friend – I even described myself to her as ‘I’m like his mum’. But the next morning she flipped out and ran away, saying “I don’t care what you call this, this is a relationship!”
I’d been text chatting to another guy on my phone while he lay in bed watching football. To this day I’m not sure what it was that upset her, but to the extent she was upset, I am sorry. I’ve learned to value the girls now a lot more than the men. It never was officially a relationship. Though we were fond of each other, I think, it was always just a game of cat and mouse. When one stepped forward the other would step back. It worked only when it was light as a feather.
We decided to take charge of things, and step up once again, by arranging our own parties. The first was just 3 couples in a restaurant, followed by a hotel room. The girls were beautiful, the boys were delightful. We discussed strategy throughout the night to seduce them all, and get them upstairs. Our clandestine planning was the main part of the fun, and it is easy to see why couples enjoy it when they go hunting. But you must, must, keep it under wraps.  Nobody enjoys feeling manipulated, however Machiavellian you consider yourselves to be.
We held a bigger party, which went okay, and we achieved his first full orgy, which was one of the goals. I made crudites and cocktails, we set up a chat group for it to let the guests bond before meeting, and pretty much spent a month full time planning, organising and guiding the chat. The next morning, I sat in the bath with him behind me, while he washed my hair. To date, it is one of the most sensuous experiences of my life.
Our next goal was to ‘pick up a girl in a bar together’ – that old chestnut. Being aware of the spectacularly poor odds for this actually working, I took a two pronged approach. Firstly, I seeded every forum and contact I had made, asking if the ‘rumour’ that there was a swinger get together at the planned bar was true, hoping to spot some like minded souls at this vanilla venue, without actually promising anything. It didn’t work as well as I’d hoped, but in theory it still could. My second prong was to chat up a single girl with experience on the scene, and get her to meet us at another bar afterwards. This actually did work, but not in the way I expected.
We sat having cocktails, awaiting her arrival. She had messaged me to ask if she could bring some friends. ‘The more the merrier,’ I said.

She showed up with perhaps fifteen people, including two attractive single girls. One was a European blonde, who she was all over, and she had 2 guys she kept with her through the night, who were all over the both of them. I had unwittingly invited a ‘queen bee’.
Queen bees are a common phenomenon on the scene, and I find them tiresome on the whole. They generally do a fair amount of cocaine, and the buzz they get is from being the alpha female, controlling everything (especially the other women) and basically establishing their dominance socially. They do not make a good spare F, unless the primary female is really ready to relinquish any element of control. Furthermore, in this case, she had brought a pack with her, and showed little to no interest in us all night, nor to the other single girl she’d brought, who had in fact asked her if she could bring a friend along and been told no! Fate has funny twists and turns though. My partner in crime and I seduced this other girl, with him leading the way and me giving her passionate kisses during the night, and, as expected, downplaying my involvement. We went back to her place. As well as giving the best blow job I have seen in my life, she was actually a pretty amazing person. She was smart, and funny, with an impressive air about her that I hadn’t noticed earlier. She was also highly organised and knowledgeable. We had a threesome in the shower, and her skills with women were excellent.


A while later, we decided to do another party- a bigger one- and I suggested we get her on board. It turned out to be an amazing decision. Our little sexual threesome had turned into a cerebral and organisational one, and our new female was astounding at it. I think most of the twenty five attendees were thoroughly in love with her before they ever met her at the party, as she led the kik chat with a sexy, naughty streak that was both hilarious and endearing. She came across like a little 1950s housewife nympho by text, and everyone was absolutely addicted to her. We have played together many times since, and her friendship has far outlived that of the male in our party triad. She became my first, and lasting female friend on the scene, and for that I can never thank her enough.
One thing led to another, and one night I woke up and looked across from me at the sleeping face of my male partner. It was absolutely beautiful. “Shit,” I said to myself, knowing it was the beginning of the end.
The mask I had given him at the first party had been used a few times. One night it rained heavily and the mask broke. “That’s a bad omen,” he said. He was right.
He pulled away, I tried to pull closer. It’s an age old story. He cut me off in my hour of need, I had no-one to turn to but my new female friend.


Fortunately, it seems to happen that once you find one friend, it’s easier to find another. And just at the point it seemed I had lost my partner in crime, he was replaced with a rainbow of unicorns. Single girls on the scene who were genuine, and cared about each other. Who looked out for each other. We went to parties together. We shared our knowledge. Whenever a new guy would pop up, the girls would instantly check with each other if anyone knew anything about them.
-Married and cheating
-Doesn’t look like his picture
-Gets too drunk
-Never shows up
-Yeah, that one is okay
And so it goes on. We became more than a herd of gazelles facing out to the predators. We became a hive mind of facts. We became in control of the events we attended. We agreed our own rules. And we made good use of the reason this blog doesn’t need to cover finding MFF as a female- you just grab another unicorn and take your pick of the men. I’ve yet to be told no by any. A strong female to female bond, although it might not be romantic, is enough of a connection for nobody to be the spare F in a threesome. If anything, the guy becomes the sex object. There are a hundred stories I could tell about the fun with the unicorns and the vast amount more I have learnt with them than I ever did before. Yet we are not unconquerable.

Your typical unicorn (perhaps myself excluded), believes in love. She thinks of it as try before you buy. She believes that one day, she will meet a guy on the scene, have great sex, and start a relationship with him, where she will move from being the secondary, to the primary F. Single males on the scene are oblivious to this. They come for casual sex, and when they want a girlfriend, they will leave and find a vanilla, existing on the spank bank of their memories for their sexual excitement. Because, for the male mind, it seems we are tragically forced to be one or the other- the hot sex, or the good wife. Whereas all women are really both.
So why are the unicorns doing what they do? If they want a boyfriend why don’t they just go vanilla and put it all behind them? Because we are who we are. We are what we have become. If our journey doesn’t change us we were never an explorer, merely a tourist. We have spent from months to decades, doing what we do. And we can’t put away half our personality, discard our friends, regain our innocence and un-break our hearts, to pretend to be somebody else. We want it all. We are exquisitely beautiful, to those who know how to see us, carved through our experience the way a diamond in the rough can be cut without shattering, to become a glittering gem.
When people on the scene ask me what I’m looking for now, I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know how to phrase it in any way they are going to understand.   I feel like an ethnographer, gone native.  I am looking to continue as I am without being forced to change. I am looking to expand my adventures further. I am looking for someone I can learn from. We all look for someone we can admire and adore, and that is a rare thing for us unicorns to find.
My love for the unicorns, their passion, bravery and support, their open mindedness, kindness and intelligence, is what inspired me to write this blog. They deserve better than the way they are treated – hunted, discarded and used. They are some of the most impressive, independent women I have ever met. They are my first true love, my relationship, my solace and my companions.
For we are the lost, and the found. We are the triumphant in defeat. We stand alone, yet together. You cannot hope to comprehend our motives for what we do. But unless you can fill our needs, as we see them, we will walk away from you. We are the educated, the sexual, the id and the cerebral. We are anything but a naive plaything to prop up your ego and grant your simple sexual desires. We are the empowered, yet spend our lives grasping for meaning and identity. We are denied love. Yet we are not different from you- we are the same as your primary female, in essence, though our stories may be more filled with more twists. We are Lazarus, returned from the dead. You will not hurt us, you will only insult us, or amuse us. When we are together, we are a powerful army of collective knowledge and experience, that you cannot hope to replicate as a couple. What we want from you, is your respect. We want to be treated as a complete person, not a reductive archetype. We want to be seen as your equals.

Happy hunting, my ducklings xxx

I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach. Picture Quote #1

Unicorn interviews 3

Rah, 46, single girlie

How did your first mff come about?
In my early 20s when I rang a number for a girl looking for a girl which was in The Times newspaper! I was living in Hammersmith at the time – we met, instantly liked each other and pretty much hung out as much as we could. Fairly innocent fun, kissing and stroking on club dance floors and drew attention to ourselves, while having a lot of fun. Our first MFF was with a male friend of mine who lived in Chelsea, your typical Sloane climbing the ranks!! I think Max (her pseudonym)  and I would have been happy to just play together but he added a new dynamic to our close bond for a night! We went home with him after a night out drinking and dancing. We continued to have twosome and threesome fun when we felt the urge. My next MFF was as a couple, with a female friend of mine who I had been seeing a year or so before. It was slightly drunken and fun. But we chose not to repeat it.
As for me joining a couple as a single girl, this didn’t happen until a Killing Kittens’ event where I was approached by the female of the couple to come and play. We played at the party and at my home, but as it was their first I was very much the instructor and leader in this threesome, making sure everyone was comfortable and had a good time. We did.

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?
I don’t really get this label – I am many things to many people. But a girl that specifically plays with couples? No

How do you feel being the unicorn in an mff differs from being the primary female?
Hugely – but that very much depends on the couple you play with. Some bring in a female to focus their attentions on, and this is a delightful experience, as you have the undivided sexual amour of a man and a woman who are in tune with each other and have clearly discussed what they want from the experience long before you turn up on their doorstep. Sadly, the other side to this is the less well informed who simply want the MFF, the girl is bi-curious (I know you have to start somewhere but this really isn’t for me) and the boy wants two women sucking on his cock to keep in his wank bank. These couples usually end up falling out over petty jealousies, or the girl isn’t secure enough to handle a confident women, and the attention her man is giving me.  As a people pleaser, this is hard, you want it to be a great memory for all, and you also don’t want the drama of having to sort it all out. 

What is your favourite dynamic in a mff?
This really depends on the people – I have no favourite, couples, three singles, friends, whatever….. it is all good if everyone knows what their role is and communicates what they want – and being a filthy minx or tomcat helps too! People who give in and let the sensation and experience take over and stop worrying about how they look, or what the other one is up to. 

Do you prefer couples, women or single men?
I love threesomes, but not when emotion is involved.

Do you find there is a difference in the way the three groups approach you?
Again, this depends on the people and their knowledge of the scene. Inexperience can lead to some cute approaches from couples, who don’t know how to start it with another girl. That’s quite endearing for me. A certain innocence in this day and age – and if the couple is new to it, and I am helping them achieve a fantasy for the first time, then this thrills me. 
Single men will always be the most up front or the biggest liars and often the most dull – they want to fuck. Their approach is often crass and without thought of me as an individual. Maybe it is hanging about on the kink scene more, where people know their boundaries, respect their choices and don’t judge. I have had one approach at a club, where a man spent an hour at the bar chatting and getting to know me, then quizzed my friends about me before we played. This I loved, he wanted to take the time to find out what I liked and how I played. 
Single men don’t often want to put in the effort. To me swinging/playing/promiscuity still requires the element of understanding and effort. My first Fabs meet took me 9 months of emails, then texting, then meeting for a coffee and chat, before I finally played with him!
Women are simple – we understand each other and the approach is usually as a friend or admirer, which then turns into something sexual. But it still feels like two friends having fun together, becuase they share something unique, and beautiful – womanhood.

What is the worst approach you’ve ever had?
It wasn’t really an approach, but I have been followed about at clubs or parties, not coming and chatting to me, just following me about and hanging outside the girls’ toilets! I also love confidence in men, but overstep this mark and you end up with arrogance – arrogant men that tell you you’re coming home with them without even asking! With couples I hate it when you find out after a week that you have been chatting to the man via text, and not the girlfriend as they have put across to you. Naughty, and frankly tedious.  Also people trying to get you back for a private party, which doesn’t really exist, they just want to get you home.  Anyone who isn’t honest – men, women or couple, will fail in their approach. 
An ex of mine always used to ask to come in and use the loo, then force himself on women, well dom them. Wanker!

What would make a couple stand out to you as a good potential play pair?
An open mind, a sense of fun, while still maintaining some innocence and awe of it all! That’s a big ask I know. Failing that being damn hot! But also, and importantly having standards. That take a step back and look at who they would like to play with and why, and approach you letting you know why they chose YOU.

When you’ve been the primary female in setting up an mff, what strategies do you find have worked best for you?
I have tried to not to bring a new girl into this situation, I think the females should be friends first before expecting another girl to partake in a threesome. I have usually then put the female in touch with the male I want a MFF with, so that they can get a feel for each other and build some chemistry together. This is important – while I used to be able to turn up at a random doorstep and play, most women don’t. They like to feel a bit of a connection and some trust. Facilitate this for all parties and you have the start of a good threesome.

Are you cautious of introducing a unicorn to a primary play partner? Have you had any bad experiences?
Only with men I’ve dated! Mainly doms. Three awful experiences where I felt totally left out and insignificant despite being the male’s girlfriend. It felt like he just was interested in new blood!  But if I am not romantically involved I am happy to introduce – but on my terms. 
Men that ask constantly for a MFF bore me too. Show me you deserve the amount of effort and time this takes.

What would be your ideal, fairytale scenario for your life? Your happy ending?
I have recently learnt that three things can provide happiness. Company, counsel and loyalty. This doesn’t mean monogamy, just honesty. We can’t own someone sexually, and if you can behave in a way to allow freedom, but honesty, good company, and counsel when they need it – it’s a winning formula. That said, I am a hopeless romantic and still long for the fairytale wedding and a Facebook filled with joint selfies of ourselves discovering foreign places and going to cool festivals with our kids in tow, all in glitter make-up.

How do you feel single girls on the scene are perceived?
In most cases they are revered for being wanted by both couples and single men. I don’t like overtly promiscuous girls, and tend not to play with these. But without the wonderful single girls you’d be left with couple’s swinging clubs! I have never felt that I was less than any other single girl on a vanilla dating site. I think they are seen as a thing a beauty, if they show class.

What strategies do you use to identify which single girls would be your best targets for an mff?
If I like them and get on with them! I don’t set up MFFs with girls I don’t know, even if this getting to know is just messaging for a while.

What advice would you give to a couple setting out to have their first mff?
Don’t be pushy, there is nothing worse than constantly asking someone for it. Let it evolve naturally. Spend some time getting to know your extra F and what she likes. And don’t ask for pictures, just get out and meet them and see if there is chemistry all round. Let the girl do the chatting in the main, as girls bond more quickly. 

Any final words of wisdom?
Don’t make an MFF the holy grail, there is much to discover and try before you think you need to add another female. Make sure you all want to do this, and you are not a people pleaser like me that agrees to do things just to keep their man happy! You have one life, live it as you want to, not how someone else thinks you should.

Tainted horn and bareback heart: who is exterminating the unicorns?

It is easy to see by the numbers.  Men and women exist in ratios of approximately 50:50, yet on the swing scene, you have lots of couples and lots of single guys.  Where are all the women?

Even if we assume a large proportion of the ‘single’ guys on the scene are not really single, but discretely playing away (which is true), it still doesn’t account for the disparity.  Is it that men like sex more than women?  Society tell us so, but it’s not really the case.  Where do the unicorns go?  Fact is, they come, they explore, and nine times out of ten they leave – not enlightened and emancipated as one might hope, but bitter, broken and disillusioned.  What is happening to them that makes their experience so different from the couples and the single men?

I’m going to digress a little, but why will come clear in the end.  It’s time to have ‘the talk’. Just the once.  Then, armed with a complete set of facts, you may do whatever you see fit.

  1. Anyone can catch an STI.  Whether you have sex with one partner protected, or 100 bareback.  Nothing is foolproof.  The odds might be different, but everything in life is a risk.  You might even sit in a mysterious wet patch at a party and end up with gonorrhoea.  The stigma associated with STI’s is not about risk- it is about our prudish attitude to sex as a society.  I’ve yet to see someone being tutted at and told they should be more careful if they get food poisoning because they like to eat out at different restaurants.
  2. Condoms do not give 100% protection against anything, and give very little protection against many things.  They work best at preventing pregnancy and HIV. They are very poor at protecting against gonorrhoea, chlamydia, genital warts (HPV) and herpes.
  3. Blow jobs do count.  Sorry Mr. President.  There are treatment-resistant strains of gonorrhoea going around, largely being passed by oral sex.  They recommend you rubber up for oral as well, though anyone who has tried this will find their technique very much impaired in its effectiveness, and, if you are unfortunate, the victim of a near fatal choking incident when the condom comes off and decides to lodge in your windpipe while doing deep throat.  As far as I know, science has yet to resolve this disparity.
  4. You can get stuff from girl to girl and ‘not full sex’.  Though some things, like HIV, die fairly quickly outside the body, others can last for hours on body fluids.  The saying, ‘goes like the clappers’ exists for a reason.  Some conditions give people few or no symptoms.  Herpes can be spread by contact with the buttocks or inner thighs.  The person may be a carrier and never even had an outbreak (though this is less likely, it’s still possible).  If they know they have it, they may well not tell you. Non-fatal STI carriers are not required by law to tell their prospective sexual partners.  It’s treatable but not curable.  What you might consider low risk activity, like gentle touching and foreplay, becomes high risk in a larger group.  I’ve yet to see a long queue for the sinks where people are washing their hands between gropings.  I’ve seen men use the same condom on two women, switching between them.  I’ve seen men slip a condom off (stealthing) and carry on. This probably makes any event sound like an overwhelming free-for-all of bonobo chimp people, but you won’t notice.  You will be swept away by the glamour and the luxury, the exquisite sensation of soft hands all over you, drifting you away in a dream world of pleasure.  So you need to arm yourself with knowledge.
  5. Get checked.  A lot.  Not just for yourself, but for everyone who isn’t involved.  The wife at home who doesn’t know her husband was out, quietly sat expecting their first baby.  Want to see what congenital syphilis looks like?  Here:   Shocked you enough yet?  That’s a little kid.  Don’t be responsible for that.
  6. Even if you get tested every week, you can’t be sure you don’t have something. There are dormant periods for the different STIs in which they can’t usually be detected.  There are false negatives.  There are periods of overlap.  They also don’t test for herpes or genital warts.  They wont swab your throat or anus unless you specifically tell them you meet the criteria to be high risk.  So someone showing you a clean report, taken that day, really means nothing.  It slants the odds slightly in your favour, that is all. Furthermore, most clinics don’t do the swabs themselves or do a visual check.  They will hand you a cotton bud and get you to do it yourself. Whatever someone tells you, or whatever they think they know about it, arm yourself with the truth.  It won’t protect you all the time, but if you fall foul of fate when you’ve stacked the odds in your favour as best you can, at least you won’t feel like giving yourself a massive kick in your own butt.
  7. Get vaccinated.  Hepatitis B is preventable with a course of 3 vaccines.  If you have it, it’s too late and it’s not curable.  It’s free, it’s easy to get.  It’s a no-brainer.  The world eagerly awaits the day you can vaccinate for everything else.
  8. Get treated.  When you catch something, get treated straight away.  Follow the treatment exactly, and stay away from any sexual contact until your follow up test has come back with the all-clear.  Depending where you live, this may put you out of action for over a month in total.  Not nice.  No choice.
  9. Use condoms.  They may not be 100%, but they are a lot better than 0%.  Show you respect yourself and your playmates by bringing ones you like, in a variety of sizes, and get them out early in play, ready to go.  you can get a wider selection at good prices if you order online.  Not that buying 6 boxes at once in the supermarket isn’t fun.
  10. Women, use an additional back-up method of contraception, if you are fertile.  Even if you rather fancy the idea of raising a child alone, no kid deserves ‘one of 10, probably’ on their birth certificate.  At some point, any kid is going to have at least an idle curiosity about where half their DNA came from; they will be thankful if you could narrow it down a bit.  Condoms break, idle fingers with fluids get places – just best to have back up, whatever you think your actions are going to be when you first start out.  Things change in the heat of the moment.  In certain situations, there’s an awful lot more heat than you expect.heart-471785_640

Lecture over.  Not that it is a lecture.  It’s the world we live in.  There’s no point pretending things are how we wish they were.  Some things we can overcome, and some we can just do our best to work around.  Wishing on a star never stopped anyone from catching the clap.  Sorry Disney.

Looking back to the start of this, one might wonder if I’m suggesting all the unicorns have left the scene through being struck down with STIs.

No, though it happens to a few that way I’m sure.  What kills the unicorns off?  What is the touch of their horn that brings them death and destroys their magic?  It’s you.

Just kidding, it’s not you.  They do it to themselves.  Your fresh, new unicorn, at the start of her journey, is, in a sense, very much an innocent.  No doubt she thinks she has sexual prowess, she thinks she’s got game.  She sees herself as wild and sexy and free and liberated, enjoying her power and her rare, semi-magical status.  She is sought after, desired, valued.  What destroys her is they way she will lose the innocence she did not know she still had.


For ladies, much as I adore you, my God but you can be stupid.  You wrap your views in fantasies of how you want the world to be, and act on your daydreams.  You treat the scene as try before you buy, but nobody else does this or knows it’s what you are doing. No-one but the other daydreaming unicorns, too wrapped up in their own denial to tell you the Emperor has no clothes on. You will find a guy you like, head dizzy with the chemistry of good sex, and you will hold your head high, ready to be his prize; all set to move your role to that of the primary female, hunting together.  You will let him bareback you, groin and heart, feeling that this makes you special- that it’s more intimate- that it shows you have more value to him than all the others.  For you have finally found your worthy match- the man you can be both sexual and respected self with: your hunting mate and your protector.  The pinnacle of your quiet expectations from the start.


But the Emperor has no clothes on.  When you become bareback partner to a man who is not monogamous to you, however he might dress it up, and whatever he says, he is disrespecting you.  Rather than sharing a special intimacy, he is showing you that he cares about you so little he is willing to put his pleasure before protecting you from whatever he is going to give you.  He will give you something, sooner or later.  And the moment you need him for anything real, he won’t be there.  Because he never signed up for that, and he told you so all along.  Silly little unicorn.


So now, heartbroken and discarded, what does our poor unicorn do?  She does what she does best.  She anaesthetises herself with pleasure.  She dresses herself up in daydreams and looks to prove how valuable she is, with someone else.  She lifts the crown of adoration from her knight in shining armour-turned-villain, and sets it straight on the head of another, with whom she will try that much harder.  Harder to impress, harder to win over.  Harder to demonstrate her value to.  But she comes with unresolved baggage. She will screw it up, because she has learned not to trust.  Her new beloved is not new- he is wearing the shoes of her former love.  The role has been re-cast, but the play doesn’t change.  And so descends the unicorn, into a spiral of endless repeats, until her spirit is crushed utterly and she leaves.


She can change.  She can decide that the daydream she initially sought is something she has outgrown, with experience.  It can happen at 18, it could happen at 80.  For many, it never happens at all.  But the trajectory from innocent to broken unicorn, resentful and insecure, is never cured by repeating the same cycle.  Hurts can never be undone, scars will never heal if they are endlessly torn open and refashioned.  Rather, she can have a moment of clarity.  This is where your experienced unicorns split in 3 new ways:

  1. The endless repeater.  She will make drama that makes no sense to you.  She is stuck in a circle of hell, forever recreating and trying to make sense of a host of experiences that have left her damaged.
  2. The escapee.  She will set down rules for you that, in effect, make her no longer a unicorn.  She has drawn lines in the sand of exactly what she will and won’t tolerate.  She has built a new castle around herself, and is protected by it.
  3. The driftwood. She has let go of the notion of ever fixing what is broken, and found her focus elsewhere, somehow.  What you do, or don’t do, no longer matters to her. She doesn’t take you seriously.  She will entertain you when it amuses her to do so, secure in the knowledge that you were never a prince in disguise anyway.

These unicorns don’t sound so fun for sex anymore, do they?  They sound kind of hard work?  No wonder everyone likes a fresh new unicorn, full of hope and laughter and light spirit.  Give them 1 to 2 years.  That’s the lifespan of that.  Until they learn that being sexually desirable and respectable are mutually exclusive in the eyes of all but their own kind.  That being said, every journey is unique.  Consider carefully where on the journey your intended unicorn is, and you will understand what you need to give her to get what you want.


The silver bullet: How to fool a unicorn

I’ve talked about insights into the unicorn mind.  I’ve given little tips, I’ve quoted some general strategy.  Here is where I tell you how to take down the hard to capture unicorn. Executed correctly, it is ruthlessly effective.  It is also, in its whole, though not necessarily its parts, very dishonest.  This is the strategy for the couple who are all about the hunt. For whom the intellectual and primal challenge are the motivator, rather than necessarily the end product.  It is completely unethical in its construction, yet if done right, everyone goes away happier than any other strategy I know of.  Sorry, my unicorns, here is where I expose your Achilles’ heel.

Why would I do this?  There are a few reasons.  I’ve set out to teach you what I know, and I know this works.  It is also already a strategy that is widely used, yet poorly pulled off. If you do it wrong, you will do people damage.  So rather than have you blunder into it, I will tell you how to do it right.  If we base ethics on outcomes, rather than actions, it is a virtuous strategy.  I’ve had it tried on me many times, but poorly done.  Done right, it will take down anything from a novice to an experienced and wary unicorn.  Even me.  There is another reason; I’m not always a very nice person.  Not any more.

Let’s get evil.

To do this effectively, here is what you need:

You and your partner must be a relatively attractive heterosexual couple, who are both intent on this goal.

You and your partner must trust each other completely, and have a relationship in which your connection is not based primarily on sexual monogamy.  This is important.  If you think you can work around this step, it will all go disastrously wrong.

You need to temporarily hide your couples account and presence online.

You will need to make separate online accounts as singles.  Feel free to block the single males from messaging, and even couples.  They are not your targets.  This is a focused hunt.

In your online profiles, you will have attractive pictures and you will need to cultivate some friends, verifications, etc. depending on the platform you are using, so you appear genuine and legit.  This isn’t all that hard to do.  You can even verify each other, yet you will need at least a few others to disguise this or you will rapidly be found out.

In your profile, talk about how you are looking to find someone to explore with and your interest in finding MFF.  Say you are not after a one nighter, nor a relationship.  Say you are looking for a partner in crime.  Extol your personal virtues as you usually would.

Together, identify targets you both agree on.

Separately, message the same targets.  Try to stagger it a bit.  Talk to them and get to find out their situation, level of experience and what they are looking for.  Key phrases that are useful to the male in finding a target are ‘single’, ‘looking for fun’, ‘bisexual’ and anything showing a wish to explore, an adventurous side or an indication that they might enjoy an intellectual challenge or the role of the predator, rather than prey.  You are seeking the somewhat disillusioned yet hopeful.  The single girl who is still on a sex site, yet gives a slight hint she might want something more.  Red flags to avoid are ‘passion’, ‘intense’, or any hint that she is trying to set up a specific fantasy for herself or a relationship. You are not going to become their boyfriend.  You do not want drama. This is more important than how they look.


The woman of the couple is going to take a slightly different approach.  She is looking for a girl who is a little lonely or lost.  Someone without a wide circle of friends on the scene. From the perspective of your female partner, the main thing she has to avoid is time-wasters and girls who are doing the same thing.  If a target talks fairly quickly about having a threesome with a guy- she thinks she knows someone- cross her off your list. She’s trying to use the silver bullet on your girlfriend.  There are a lot of these- perhaps 50% of the ‘single’ girls who will chat to her, maybe more.  Girls who say they haven’t met yet, are shy, or just want to send loads of nudes are mainly fantasists who will never meet her.

Share what you learn about your targets with your partner and discuss extensively.  You are a team, right?  That’s the fun, right?

After chatting for a couple of days, arrange a meet.  NOT both of you.  Give no hint that there is a partner in the background.  You both just say you have a few casual playmates, that you are looking for someone to explore with.  Whoever is having the best luck with her arranges a meet.  Go somewhere nice for a coffee or a drink.  Make eye contact, smile, just be friendly.  No sex.  This is about bonding.  After you’ve met, say she seemed really fun and different, and that you’d like to meet again.  Try to arrange for about a week later.


At the second meeting, you go into what you are looking for sexually more.  You flirt more.  You may or may not have sex at the end of this date, depending on how it goes and the circumstances.  You and your partner must be incomplete agreement that this is allowed.  Have another date if you need to afterwards.  The more the better, to a certain extent.   When you talk, make yourself sound like a sexual explorer looking for a companion.  Looking to be a team.  Talk about how you are just setting out on this journey of exploration, and you need people in your life who will help you accomplish your goals, not hold you back. When you have sex, make it passionate and make it good. Focus on her needs.  At this point you have bonded adequately to go to the next step.  If it is your partner who has the sex, do not be resentful or distrusting.  They are doing the work you have agreed onto achieve your mutual goal.  If you try to skip this step, it will not work.


Now, you ramp up the threesome aspect with your unicorn, who will believe she is a) your female primary, if you are the man, or b) your close affectionate sexy female friend, if you are the woman.  Talk about how great it was and how you really want to do this together.  Now comes the beauty of the ruse- you make her hunt your partner.  Talk about how fun it would be to do together.  Ask her advice and opinions on how to find somebody.  Ask her for her suggestions.  At no point is she to know she is not the driving force in making this happen.  By this point she will be set on impressing you with her skills and abilities in satisfying your threesome goal.  After turning down her suggestions (gently, possibly after talking to them and saying you didn’t feel the vibe, she was so much sexier than any of them, etc.) introduce a little list of your own for her to consider. Pick a card, any card.  But you are going to force her to choose the one you want.  This requires time, patience, and delicate footwork.  Perhaps the others are less attractive in their pictures.  Or maybe one she takes a shine to is away for the next few months.  You are going to be very careful in your description of your actual partner.

If you are the man, you are going to describe your partner as an old friend that you hardly ever see who is a good laugh.  More like a sister, but she’s a bit of a wild one and she’s in town for the next couple of months.  If you are the female, you are going to describe your partner as a hot guy you know- not boyfriend material but mellow and fun and always up for some sex.

By playing down the dynamic while extolling their suitability for the role of unicorn/male sex toy in your threesome, they become less of a threat to the bonding the unicorn perceives they have with you.  You need to tread so softly- force too hard and the game is up.  Next you give them all the power.  Give them your partner’s details and say as you know them you don’t feel right in asking.  Could your unicorn chat to them and see if they got on?  Maybe suggest the threesome if they like each other?  You are SURE they will fancy the unicorn- who wouldn’t?  You are now operating as two singles chatting up the same unicorn.  As far as the unicorn knows, she is entirely in the driving seat.  You can toy with her and make her work to convince you both to do it!  To an extent, the more you play hard to get the more she will push to make it happen- her self esteem and her sexual prowess are at stake.  She doesn’t want to let you down.  She wants to prove she can do this.  She will enjoy the thrill of the hunt as much as you do.


When the three of you meet, remember to play down your connection to each other.  Let the unicorn be in charge, and never make her feel left out.  You and your partner secretly know you have pulled this off together by stealth, but she never will.  Everyone goes home feeling powerful and clever.  You never have sex solo with your unicorn again, but the three of you may be able to meet again.  At this point, especially if the unicorn seems to be getting to like you, it is time to manage her involvement, unless you plan on becoming a poly triad (which can work, but that’s a whole different game.  Your triad is based on dishonesty, which you won’t be able to hide forever).  Perhaps you are called away to work overseas, or you decide you want to try a gay threesome, or something on your journey she can’t be a part of.  She will be disappointed, if she has become attached, but she won’t feel bad about it.  They key is to nip it in the bud at the appropriate time, and that is not something I can tell you how or when to do to avoid drama.  Earlier rather than later is best- don’t let a sense of awkwardness or not wanting to hurt her feelings make it worse for her later.  You owe her that much at least.

She may not become attached at all.  Most people don’t, especially if you have managed her expectations throughout, without relying on that old fallback of romance and getting her daydreaming to achieve your goal.  If you mess this part up, don’t blame me.  The execution is all your doing.  You want her to trust you and to have a threesome with you, not start to fall in love with either of you.  If you resort to those tactics, whether male or female, you are being a dick.  Ideally, you want this to be a part of her journey, which she sees herself moving on and developing from, without either of you.  If you have manipulated her in the right way throughout, she will exit as smoothly as she entered. She will view herself as a hunter- a skilled, sexy woman who has achieved her goal. Only you and your partner know differently.  This is a bonding secret the two of you must take to the grave.  Say what you like about love and sex, there is no intimacy like a shared dark secret.  Especially not monogamy.

Congratulations, you are both now terrifyingly effective predators.

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Photo by Pixabay on


The Unicorn and the Red Bull

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Photo by James Frid on

Source: Urban Dictionary: Old Bull

There is a cartoon from the 80’s, known as ‘The Last Unicorn’, which, to watch it now, seems like a strange hybrid of Manga, My Little Pony and New Romantic aestheticism.
In this tale, the unicorns have been chased into the sea by the ‘Red Bull’ (spoiler alert), leaving just one, who sets out to find them.  In the process, she is ‘cursed’ to become a human woman to hide from the bull, where she falls in love, and has to choose between a mortal life with love, and the magical life of a unicorn, without.  She can live as a unicorn, as long as she is not alone- as long as she has the other unicorns by her side.  In a sense, this blog series was already written in 1982.
The parallels and metaphors of the Red Bull are so obvious, that little explanation is needed. If you rush things; if you make your lust for sex a thing that is to be feared, that is not controllable, your unicorns will flee from you.  Be like the old bull, not like the Red Bull. Take your time.  Build their trust.  Walk down the hill slowly, and fuck them all.

Nothing but the horn: Unicorn stereotyping

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Photo by MJ Breiva on

Everyone’s guilty of making assumptions at some time….judgement is human nature, it’s a survival tactic…so you can’t be too hard on people about it…just put them right when they make an assumption of you, if you care enough to…mostly I don’t care enough about other people’s opinions of me…the time I care is when I actually care about the person making the assumption.

Miss Genie, 30’s, sexually liberated woman


As humans, we rely on our ability to spot patterns and use them to interpret the world around us.  The more we are exposed to a certain collection of information, the more our brains are able to find this pattern and give meaning to it, from the face of Jesus on our toast, to shapes in clouds, to the interpretation of what other people think and feel from a small series of cues.  Our minds learn to block out the anomalies- the pieces of data which don’t fit the patterns we are used to, so that we can rapidly process and forget that which is not useful to us and our survival.  The inability to block and filter this constant flow is what leads to difficulties for people on the autistic spectrum.  The over-reliance on blocking and filtering is what leads to bigotry, stereotyping and closed-mindedness.

CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy, not cock and ball torture, in this case) is a technique which attempts to re-programme our responses to cues, by examining other routes the information could take in our minds, to lead to a happier state of being.  For example, if you see two girls look at you and giggle to each other, what do you assume?  If you have a series of negative experiences and associations, or low self esteem, you may think they are laughing at how your ears stick out.  A different person might assume they were checking you out, and making suggestive comments to each other as they found you attractive.  Same cues, different interpretation.

The more you are exposed to sets of information as a pattern and their associations, the more entrenched your responses become.  With regard to threesomes, unicorns and bisexual females, unfortunately for the novice, your prior information set for pattern recognition and response is likely to be largely limited to erotic fiction and pornography. This is about as useful to you in the real world as Game of Thrones is to your understanding of historical events.  It is fiction.  It is simplified, reductive, and designed to elicit a response in you that will guarantee the highest likelihood of your continued consumption of the material produced.  It is aimed at the reward centres in your brain. It is a non-pharmaceutical drug, hooking you on your own biochemistry to create a mild addiction. If you want to up your game, to hit those same reward centres in real life, you need to be aware that your understanding so far is not entirely on target.

It is not entirely your fault.  Through an age old patriarchal society’s rules, your exposure to the real thing is limited.  It is secret, mysterious, forbidden.  Participants are fetishized. Yet is the fetishistic nature in your own mind that holds the key to both your pleasure by partaking, and your fall-flat mistakes in obtaining your goal.  I am going to tell you a list of things that are simply untrue.  Sorry to burst your bubble.

  1. Unicorns are more highly sexual than anyone else.  They are always at it, because they just love sex.  It’s what they are all about.
  2. Bisexual women always have sex with all the other bisexual women they know
  3. Bisexual women have sex with other bisexual friends whenever they see each other.  Most of the time, anyway.
  4. Whenever bisexual women get together, whatever the event, there is always some element of sex involved somewhere.  If not, they are thinking about it.
  5. Bisexual women are all up for MFF – it’s the best of both world’s right?
  6. Bisexual women should be flattered you have approached them for MFF.  It’s two for one?  What’s not to like?  They said they are bisexual?
  7. Unicorns like to be treated like a sex object.  They all always enjoy the attention of both of you at once.  They enjoy being hunted down.
  8. Unicorns are so busy with their sexual freedoms, they are just having sex all the time.  They consider this their main identity and don’t need or want to be considered as anything other than their sexual self.  That would bore them and turn them off.
  9. All single girls with bisexual tendencies or curiosities will enjoy an MFF
  10. All bisexual girls who enjoy MFF should be happy to partake in one with couples
  11. All unicorns who enjoy MFF with couples enjoy being the passive party in the selection, arrangements and event
  12. Unicorns are just slags.  If they weren’t happy to be considered sex objects, they would just go get a boyfriend.  They would never make girlfriend material, and they would certainly never want to be.
  13. A bisexual woman could never be satisfied with just one person in a relationship. They have to be unicorns, as they are so sexually charged that they would cheat on anyone, of either gender.
  14. There’s a strategy you can use that will work on all unicorns, infallibly.  They all want the same thing so the same rules apply

Doesn’t sound much like the depictions you’ve seen in porn and the wider media, does it? The truth is that unicorns in general see themselves and the things they do, not as a fixed identity, but as a part of their personal journey.  A path they explore, trying to understand themselves, life, relationships and in some cases work through previous hurts or anaesthetise themselves to that which they don’t want to feel.  If one has sex with you, you may well not hear from her again.  Yes, my baby ducklings, sometimes it is the unicorn who is using you.  There are always exceptions.  There are a million different stories and motivations, and every path is different.  If you want to catch a unicorn, you do not need to be a hunter.  You need to be a unicorn whisperer.

Unicorn interviews: 2

Miss T, 30, young flirtatious deviant on the scene for 2 years, party organiser for 1 year

Please tell me about how one of your early MFF threesomes came to happen?

Well, I was out with a girl I met at my hostel and we went to get a drink.  We found a bar and we are facing the marina, and two cute boys passed and they ended up coming into the same bar.  We giggled a while and then went to chat to them (I initiated) and we all went to the next bar.  We ended up dancing and I was getting along with the cute one of the two really well.  As the night progressed, my friend came up and asked me if she could join us tonight.  I was like, ‘okay, sure,’ not really thinking much of it.

All four of us ended up heading back to their hotel room  His mate was getting annoying trying to get in on the action, so when we got back to the hotel we asked the cute one to get rid of his mate, as we wanted to spoil him with a threesome.

How did you feel about it during and after?

Kind of annoyed that the other girl was there as she wasn’t into the full experience as much as I was, and I wanted the guy to myself.

How do you feel it should have gone?

To be honest I’m not sure; I just thought if she asked to be involved then she would have been more into it, rather than just him really.

How to you feel:

a) hunting a guy with another girl

b) being the unicorn for a couple, or

c) being the female in a couple and picking up another girl

compare?  Which do you prefer, and why?

Hmm.  A for sure. Then you have the control rather than being the meat that’s being chased, or the bait to lure someone else in.

How do you feel about couples who contact you as a potential playmate?

Like a play toy.  Like you are just there to satisfy them and they don’t really care about your needs.  It’s rare to find a couple that either want to please you, or…actually give a shit about what you want to get out of it.

What techniques have you used that worked best to find a single girl to share with a male partner or playmate?

Hmm. I never found a female to play with anyone.  The only female, I got friendly with, and we ended up good friends instead!

What advice would you give to a couple looking to pick up a single girl?

In terms of advice, they need to consider the unicorn’s wants and needs and how they can satisfy her first before their needs.

How do you feel your experiences have changed you from when you first started?

I went in blind when I first played with a couple.  Now I’m more wary and will stand my ground with what I want.

Do you think single men and couples see the scene differently to single girls?

Yes, definitely.  They see it more as shopping.

How do you feel about other single girls on the scene?

Good luck to them! Hahahaha.  Happy to be friends with them and give them advice where I can, and team up where I can to turn the tables – give us the advantage.

Any final words of wisdom for couples or single guys hoping to score their first mff?

Words of wisdom, hey? Hmm.  Treat the girls with some decency and respect, and perhaps you’ll get some in return.


Unicorn Interviews: 1

Interview with Miss Paradise, 32, open-minded female


Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?


I don’t know what to call myself. I’m very open, I’m a slow burner as well.  I know what I like when I like it, so it could be anything, it could be dominating men, it could be playing with girls, playing with couples, a single guy, it could be having a playmate which is what I’ve got now.  I’ve been playing with someone for over a year.


Do you guys pick up single girls together or do you just play together with your playmate?


Um, he is open to that but he doesn’t come out -he’s not on any scene, but he’s open. He knows that I dominate, he knows I play with girls, he knows that I’m out on the scene,  but that’s not his priority at the moment. He’s open for me to bring girls back if he wants, but we haven’t done it. We’re exploring and I’ve opened him up to BDSM, so me and him are connecting on that level at the moment.  I don’t know, I have been a unicorn. I was a unicorn when I first came on the scene, because I felt like I was getting the best of both worlds, as getting male and a female and I can also come away from it-  I wasn’t going to get any emotional bullshit attached to that because they’ve got their thing, so I can go in and I can play – we can all sort of play and use each other and I can walk away and it’s just left there. So yeah, I played with a few couples in the past was which I’ve enjoyed.  In fact some of my best experiences have been with couples and the dynamics of that have been different.


What would make you choose a couple, because obviously there’s a lot of couples who are seeking a unicorn?


The female for me has to be into women properly – not just doing it please your partner or ‘I’m straight but I do it, it’s for fun.’’ It has to feel organic, because that puts me off if I don’t get that feeling, because then it just makes it more intense.  Puts me off if the female just doing it to please the husband ‘cause then it becomes all about him and not about the three of us. I like when the male takes a step back and appreciates the two girls together and he’s quite respectful about it- it’s not like I said before, it’s not all about him.  It’s quite an equal dynamic, but I’ve had threesomes which have totally not worked. I actually fell asleep! Funny story – I was 20 I think. I was 20, 21; I was swinging then. Like, sleeping around and swapping partners and things, and I was seeing a guy on and off and we were very sexual- that’s all it was and then then there was a girl that I started having a bit of a thing with. And me and her went out one night and we bumped into this guy and he invited us back to his house. I got a feeling that he was more into her than me, so they were getting it on and I could just see it and feel the vibes, so I just kind of…. we’d  been smoking weed and stuff as well, but I just kind of sloped off and fell asleep on the side of the bed. They’re trying to nudge me, but I just wasn’t having any of it.  So eventually, after a few more times of those two hooking up, they ended up seeing each other for about 8 or 9 months or something like that. So that was it that wasn’t a great dynamic. I kind of got pushed out so I fell asleep. I’ll always remember that because he always mentions it.  Fell asleep- sorry.


It just panned out that way.  But then there was another dynamic with the same guy, who was with an ex-girlfriend.  Me and her were in the pub together and he came to pick me up and me and her were kissing he was like “oh that’s how it is is it?”


So we went back to his and he wasn’t interested in her, he was interested in seeing me and her together and then he wanted to sleep with me, but she was more interested in him than me, so it was a bit of a strange dynamic.  That didn’t feel right- it was a bit strange.  Because I remember getting up- we’d made a sort of bed in the front room and I remember getting up to get some water or go to the toilet.  I came back, and she was sort of trying to give him a blowjob or something. I could tell it wasn’t quite there. As soon as I came by he was on me, and then she was kind of ‘Oh I wasn’t interested in you, I want him,’ so that was a strange dynamic.


Have you had many times when  a couple has approached you together?


I’ve had that a lot at KK, because I’m all over the forum.  I get couples a lot, because I’ve actually put on my profile, ‘Interested in everybody’.  Any request will be considered really. So, a lot.  I do get them, but most of the time I find when they kik me it’s mainly the man rather than the girl. So he’s the driving force and he’s picking who he wants for those two, rather than it being the female – which I don’t think is a bad thing, because generally it’s either one or the other that instigates it. At a KK a party I’ve been approached by couples and I’ve had fun with couples before. In fact I went back with a couple- I went to a couple’s penthouse party and I was approached by the female and he was there-  he watched us and then they invited me back and I ended up staying with them and we all ended up playing. I was the centre of attention actually -they were both pleasuring me, which is quite nice. It was kind of all about me- I was at the centre.  I’ve never experienced that before. Then the female; she was like, II am tired now, I’m going to go to sleep,’ and I was I was in bed with in the middle of them and me and him- he was like, cuddling me. So me and him end up going the front room and playing together without her, which I felt a bit bad about but I thought, ‘Well we’ve all come back together,’ and then I ended up staying the next day.  We ended up eating pizza in bed and listening to music- it was really bizarre. I’ve never done that before, but at least there was this three-way kind of intense thing that we had for a couple of days. I’ve stayed friends with her but not with him, because he kept on trying to meet me on on it on his own and I said, ‘Well I’m going to not come to meet you, I’m coming to meet a couple,’ and I messaged her to let her know. I just said, ‘Look, he’s trying to meet me,’ because I’m-  I am a girl’s girl, I take the girls side more than the guy’s, even if the girl’s is a little bit in the wrong,  it’s still…. I’m more of a girl’s girl –  so.  She didn’t know that he was doing that- he didn’t tell her. But yeah, I’ve stayed friends with her- she’s an escort actually, this girl. Yes she’s cool.  I haven’t spoken to her recently.  So that was a nice time dynamic. I would actually like to experience that again, where I’m the centre of attention.


If a couple was going to approach you, what advice would you give them?


Have a general chit chat.  Not let it be based around sex and ‘come and meet us in a hotel and see where things..’ I don’t like that approach – ‘well let’s meet up and see if the chemistry is there,’ because instantly they’re basically saying, ‘let’s meet up for sex.’


Get to know me and have an experience, rather than just a fuck to tick a fantasy off their list, which is what I don’t want to be, unless I’m in that right frame of mind, I’ve met up with them and it feels right to become that fantasy. Then fair enough, but straight away if you’ve never met, have a little bit of a chit chat.  There’s been a couple of couples that said ‘can we take you out for dinner, can we get to know you better,’ That I like, because they’ve offered to take me out, in a normal, neutral place. They’ve not offered to come round to see me, or go to their house or hotel room- and just to sit and have a chit-chat over food. I think that’s very normal. I kind of like the normal approach, and I can kind of gauge where they’re coming from and and what they would like. Then if anyone feels uncomfortable you can leave as well, because it’s a bar or restaurant or whatever. I like that approach and that is what I would advise: to meet up. Because everybody has to feel comfortable.


Is there anything people have done, where they have really ruined their chances?


I have a message in my phone. There’s a couple I was chatting to, and then I’ve been busy so I haven’t responded to them and they kept putting question marks, and ‘Hi?’  I’m busy, you’re not on the top of my list. Then I got a message  saying ‘Hi, can we meet and fuck?’ I put ‘fuck off -worst approach ever. Never have I been so turned off. My vagina has sealed itself up.’

Then he put ‘It was a joke, because you never respond.’ Then I put ‘I’m going to block you,’ the other person put ‘cool.’ I put, ‘I don’t respond because I’m NOT INTERESTED.’  Then I left it. They’re pesty anyway. So that is not a good a good way to catch my good side. ‘Can we meet up and fuck?’  No.  No we can’t.


Have you ever had a situation where you found yourself becoming more emotionally involved with one or both of a couple than you planned to be when you first met with them?


No, I’ve never. I’ve never gone that far. I’ve never done that for with anyone actually with swinging. You create sort of feelings, but not in that light. I want to be with someone, but when you get to know someone you like them, don’t you?  You think, ‘I really like that person,’ but actual emotions like that, no. I can’t do that.  I detach myself because I see it as just swinging.


Do you think any women in a couple should ever be worried about you going off with her husband after, or be jealous of you being involved, or made insecure in any way?


I don’t think they should be jealous.  If there’s something wrong in their relationship then there would be reason to be jealous of anyone, or if they’ve got issues and insecurities that they’ve not to come to terms with or dealt with, then they shouldn’t be swinging like that. So no, because I wouldn’t take somebody’s husband or the other way around, I wouldn’t go off with the wife. It’s just they’re a couple, we’ve agreed to play together and that’s what it is. I see it for what it is.


Do you often find it’s the woman or the man that’s more attractive in the couple, or is it a mixture?  Do you need to be very attracted to both of them?


It has to be a mix.  I have to be attracted to both but it doesn’t mean necessarily mean physically.  I’m attracted to people’s energy, so if they’ve both got good energy and they are reasonably attractive, and if there’s a connection, then yeah that’s what I’m attracted to.


What’s the best pick-up line you’ve had from a couple?


Do you want to fuck?  Ha ha.  ‘Can we take you out for dinner and get to know you?’  I really like because it was just nice- you know, it was like straight away they wanted to sort of make me feel good. They wanted to do something for me, so that’s what I thought. That was quite nice.


So you say you’ve moved away from being with couples. What was it in your mind or in your life that you feel took you away from being a unicorn to wanting something different?


Because I’ve been playing with somebody for over a year and I’m quite happy having penetrative sex with him. So yeah, I’m quite happy just playing with him at the moment. I don’t see myself as 100% single anymore so that’s why. If I ended up being 100% single again then yeah, I will definitely go back to being open to playing with them.


Have you had any couples approach you to just play with one of the two? Or any times where you wanted one and not the other?


This takes it a little bit away from swinging. I’ve been asked to dominate a guy who’s in a couple, but the female of the couple is a bit funny about him being dominated by another woman as it’s normally her so, we’ve been talking about it. Then he came up with ‘what if you double dommed with her, on me?’  I said ‘well you’ve approached me,’ and I like his partner but I don’t feel any connection with her whatsoever. There’s nothing – she feels flat to me. I don’t feel her energy at all. There’s nothing there. So how’s that going to work, because how am I going to vibe off you in that situation? So I am more attracted to him than her. That’s a situation I’ve never really had. There’s normally always something about one and the other that makes itself up. But becomes all rounded. So yeah, that’s it at the moment. I had a message a couple of days ago actually so I just said ‘oh, I don’t know, you’ll have to open it up with her see what she thinks and then take it from there.’


How do you feel about the couple or the woman setting down ground rules for you?


I try and understand where people are coming from and if that’s their approach- if that’s where they’re at at that moment, that that’s their next step, to allow this to happen, because maybe they might be breaking into being completely open with each other. So sometimes I quite like the rules because then you know where you stand. If there’s no rules and it’s a brand new couple and you say- I don’t know- so I gave the guy blowjob or kissed him properly, and she’s like ‘Whoa, that made me feel really uncomfortable,’ then it can change. But if they specifically say, ‘Right, well he can’t kiss you and you can’t finger his bum and they are the rules,’ then you know where you stand. I don’t mind rules, I’m easy either side really.  If it’s a new couple then sometimes it’s better if they do have a few guidelines within their dynamic, because then no one’s going to kick off or the female’s not going to meltdown and start crying, or he’s not gonna go weird.


Have you had any cases where that happened?


I can’t quite remember what happened but there was one occasion where the woman went a bit funny with me, and it was her idea!  But I can’t quite remember the exact details of it. I do remember something of the woman being really funny, so yeah, maybe once.


Is there anything else you think people who are seeking a unicorn should know?


You’ve got to know the Unicorn- just get to know them a little bit. Find out what their experiences are: find out what they’re into and then you can build a better dynamic, especially if you’re thinking about seeing somebody on a regular basis.  It’s as well to get to know them. Don’t assume that you are just going to meet up and fuck- that it’s just going to be like this amazing threesome and everyone’s gonna have an amazing time. That will only happen if you if you talk and you get to feel each other out. That’s my advice: get to know her and be interested in her rather than just her pussy.

Hunting solo – single men and the MFF threesome

As a single guy trying to navigate the scene, it’s tricky getting a woman to take you seriously and separate you from the immediate dick pic brigade.  It’s hard enough trying to snare a unicorn without immediate assumptions about what type of guy you are but it obviously happens.  I’ve been lucky that I’ve had some chance encounters that have led to really good things, but having good threesomes is definitely another challenge.  Even with a playmate, it still took plenty of leg work to get it sorted.  Fortunately, both worked out really well, personality wise and physically.  I was at pains to make sure we both got what we wanted and made sure my playmate was the focus of our attention for the first part of the evening, before the favour was returned by both ladies later.  The other was at a party and a slightly different dynamic, but hot nonetheless.

Proflyactive, 36, single guy


Single guys seeking a MFF have several strategies they can use.

  1. Pair up with a playmate and make her your primary hunting partner
  2. Have a number of playmates to select from.  If you are patient, you may be able to mix and match them to form a trio, or when you find a unicorn looking for a couple you can offer her a choice of candidates to be the other F
  3. Hunt solo- target pairs of unicorns who are friends and play together.  Once you know some, this is often the easiest way to achieve your goal.

man-1461411_1280Single guys on the scene do have it tough.  While your unicorns may make up 1%, and couples about 60%, the rest is almost entirely single guys.  This might not seem like such a bad proportion, but the single guys are very highly active in the messaging stakes. They blanket bomb generic messages.  They send out nudes to say hello.  They are, in general, rude, offensive and clueless.  They annoy the single women to the point that most of them will block messages from all single guys.  How does one get through all this chaff to stand out as a worthy candidate?

man-3349288_1280a) Be different.  If your profile is really good, single girls will still search for you and find you.  Have good pictures.  Seem like you are someone they would want to date, and not be embarrassed by.  This is true whether you want to date them or just meet them for sex.  The women will be looking for someone who seems like a catch- someone they could be proud to say had notched their bedpost.  It’s a good idea to put your height, your field of work, especially if it something impressive or respectable, and good pictures of your face and body (nudes not required).  Write something in your profile box.  Make a joke.  Say what you like in a woman.  Say what your goals are (I’m new to the scene, looking for friends and party partners, etc.)  If you have any kinks you want to explore, be upfront about them, but be subtle (I’m curious about BDSM, I’d love to try a threesome if the dynamic is right, I’m bicurious, etc).  Though you risk putting a small percentage off by mentioning an interest, you are likely to gain as many back who share the same interest as you.  Some people like to include a short piece of erotic fiction – I’m not sure if this works for everyone.  I’d suggest you choose carefully.  I’ve had someone send me an elaborate violent rape fantasy as an opening message.  I did not meet him. Run a spelling and grammar check on your profile and messages, to avoid looking like an idiot.  Avoid lots of text talk (LOL, C U TMRW? HOT SEXY BBZ, etc.)  It can be helpful to put your nationality.  As well as seeming exotic, it will excuse a lot of spelling errors and misunderstandings if English is not your first language.  If you are local, or have a regional accent, put that too.  It all builds a picture of who you are, developing trust and familiarity.

martini-1117932_1280b) Hit the parties.  As a single man, you will find a lot of events will not let you in, but there are a few that do.  If you want to attend, be sure to sign up very early as places for single males are usually limited.  At events with single men, the vibe can be intimidating. Usually, there seem to be dozens of guys, lined up against the walls, standing alone and watching the girls, not speaking to anyone.  Though this is likely shyness and a wish not to impose, it comes across as very creepy.   The single girls will usually be chatting together in groups, and seem unapproachable.   At many events, the rules may prohibit you from approaching the girls at all.  This seems an impossible situation for you, but all is not lost.  Most of our communication is not in what we say, but in our body language. Stand tall, step away from the wall, and stand 3-5 metres away from the object of your desire. Make eye contact and smile.  Not a shy smile, a confident smile.  A smile that says you are thinking about what could come next.  Practice doing this in the mirror before you go so it looks how you imagine it to.  Its a bit of an art, and takes practice to get right. If she looks at you and looks away and then back, she might be interested.  She might smile at you.  Try an affable move of the head to gesture her over, or if you think you can pull it off, beckon her over with your finger.  If she comes to talk to you, be friendly and complimentary.  Don’t go straight in for the kill.  Encourage her to talk about something. Ask her if she knows the venue.  What’s her favourite room? Would she like a drink?  Is she enjoying the night yet?  The more you can get her talking freely, the more you will relax her.  Do this with as many females as you can at the start of the night, then when you go back to them to talk to them or want to play later on, you’ve done the groundwork and have lots of potential girls to play with. Don’t spend the night standing around not trying.  Don’t get too drunk or take any drugs.  Don’t follow the girls from room to room, in a long line of single men, and stand watching them have sex.  For the love of God, don’t come up close to them and stand there wanking over them.  Don’t interrupt them to ask to join in during sex, and NEVER just skip the chat and join in without permission. That is assault, wherever you are. Even if the girl allows it, she likely wasn’t sure how to say no and she most certainly doesn’t want you to.  You are sure to be banned from the venue.  Don’t be that guy.  You can be the one the girls want to play with instead.  You can also attend couples events with a female who is not your partner.  I’ve known men to hire escorts for this reason, but you can find a willing female to go with you on a friendly basis, whether or not you want to have sex together.  Buy her ticket and drinks, pay for the taxi, and if you are playing with her pay for the hotel too.  Then, next time you ask, she will help you out again.  Some women may insist on paying their share, but as single girl tickets are discounted; never expect her to pay half the couples ticket price.  She is doing you a favour already, she shouldn’t be expected to financially subsidise your sexual exploits.

gem-1539624_12803) Get gregarious.  As well as commercial events, if you can build a circle of friends you will likely get invited to private ones too.  The single girls and couples will get to know you as ‘a good guy’ and be happy to include you in unstructured frolics (ironic, right?)  Be polite, participate in group chats before events if one is set up, and talk to the other guys and girls, as well as the ones you’d like to hook up with.  If you say you are coming, show up.  Private events mean one of your friends has gone to a lot of trouble to set things up, whether or not it is obvious, and nobody likes to cater for twenty and end up with three. Likelihood is, you have taken a space that other people could happily have filled if they were invited in time, but your friend has told them no, because they have allowed you priority.  Getting a last minute better offer or just not bothering because you don’t feel like it is disrespectful, and will likely mean you don’t get invited anymore.  If cancelling is unavoidable, let your host know as soon as possible and apologise sincerely.  Of the many private events I’ve been a part of, the initial ratio has been stacked 3:2 guys to girls. Even so, we have ended up on the night with between 3 and 6 girls to every one guy.  One of those could be you.

birds-1882626_12804) Be bold.  If you are lucky enough to have found a network with good single girls who play together, you are in the elite echelons of the swing world.  Take advantage of your favoured status and find out which girls normally like to play together.  Invite them both, openly, to come meet you for a great evening and some fun sex.  The girls will be happy to spend time together and to see you.  If you ask them both separately, they will likely think you are just trying to hedge your bets to have something to do for the evening, and are planning to cancel on one or both of them.  Girls talk to each other.  Make it clear that you want to see them both, together.  A man with the confidence to take control of matters is always hot. Scheduling is the tricky part with multi-person private meets.  Be patient, plan an evening for them worth attending.  Spoil them. They will adore you for it.  They will give feedback to the other single girls on how great it was and they will have done most of the ground work for you on achieving your next threesome with the other women.

All in all, single guys do have many advantages over couples, in that they can operate flexible strategies to achieve their goals.  They can, of course, also pick up women who do threesomes but don’t like to play with couples, of which there are a fair percentage.

Unicorn Utopia

There should be no power in a threesome.  It should be for mutual pleasure based on equality.

Sexy couple, 40

It is often the case that the perceptions and motives of a unicorn will shift, depending on where she is in her journey and her experiences so far.  Most guides to obtaining a threesome will focus heavily on discussing limits with your partner, and making sure you are both happy with your plans, have a get-out strategy if one of you finds you are unhappy, etc.  This is, in itself, a difference in power in the relative relationships between the couple and the single girl.  Of course, you will likely discuss what you are and aren’t happy with with your unicorn before you get to the bedroom (or sofa, sex party, hot tub, etc), but the difference is that the two of you have already made these rules, and she is expected to either agree to them or to say no.  You are negotiating as a single unit, with her.  She is negotiating alone.


Most unicorns start off believing a threesome is about the quote above.  A free, liberating sexual experience based on mutual enjoyment.  A sexy adventure between 3 individuals. Unfortunately, after a few experiences, she is likely left feeling somehow uncomfortable and dissatisfied, yet unable to put her finger on exactly why.  There are a few reasons for this:

  1. her needs weren’t met.  This can be anything from her sexual needs, to the way she was hoping to feel about herself during and after.  You need to take the time to explore her needs as an individual, rather than trying to shoe-horn her into the image of your ideal fantasy partner.  Otherwise she will feel used and lonely.lover-1822498_1280
  2. The power dynamic was wrong.  I have been approached by a beautiful couple before- her immaculately dressed, with designer clothes and long dark hair, to set up what sounded like an enjoyable luxurious evening of dinner and hotel room frolics.  She showed me a picture of her partner – they had, unusually, met on the swing scene and got together.  He was tall, dark and well built, with an attractive face.  They had plenty of experience.  Initially, I was very up for it.  Yet as the date got closer, she started giving me instructions.  What I was to wear.  How to do my hair and nails.  Whether I could smoke.  What her partner did and didn’t like.  What I was and wasn’t allowed to do.  In the end, I cancelled.  They didn’t want me, as I was.  They wanted an imaginary person.  It rapidly became clear to me that I was to be a passive plaything in the scenario, completely under her control, to do as I was instructed to demonstrate her prowess, power and control over other women to her boyfriend.  I knew I would not have enjoyed that.  Funny enough, her boyfriend contacted me a while later after they had broken up.  He said he disliked how predatory she was, and that he saw himself as more of a poly*.  I didn’t meet him in the end though- he was rather obsessed with discussing pornography and still made me feel objectified.nature-3106213_1280
  3. The unicorn detects a difference in the enthusiasm levels between the partners.  It has, unfortunately, been my experience when joining couples, that there tends to be one person who is the driving force, and one who is along for the ride.  You might assume it would be the man, but this is not always the case.  In addition to some women asserting power over the spare F (whether it is a wish to control through insecurity or simple enjoyment of dominating the proceedings), there is the uncomfortable situation in which you realise one of the two is really not enjoying things.  The woman may be writhing around and moaning, yet bone dry.  The man may be rock hard for you, yet you see there is a sadness somewhere in his eyes. There may be some unicorns who don’t notice this or don’t care, but I always have. It makes me feel bad, and whatever they might say, I know they would rather not be here doing this.  So why does a person in a relationship agree to a threesome if, on some level, they don’t want to?  Well, the same reason they do anything.  Because they feel they have to.  Because they want their partner to be happy in general, and with them.  To prove their love for their partner.  To prove their suitability for their partner.  To become the person they feel they ought to be for their partner.  It can also be the case, particularly with couples new to obtaining threesomes, that the reality of the event, and how they would feel about it, was not clear to them when it was a just fantasy.  Feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, sorrow and complexities of self-image and worth can arise.  I’ve seen novice couples break into fights, run off, and even cry when it comes to completing the act.  It is not always easy for everyone to separate their emotions from the sexual act, and all the history of emotional associations built around sex throughout their

The quote above represents what is probably the ideal situation for most unicorns, yet it is hard to achieve due to the stronger bond between the couple.  This can be overcome with time, or if there is already a strong bond between the two women.  In theory, this should be the same if both women had a strong bond independently with the man, but it tends not to work that way, as the women don’t know and trust each other, so tend to be more insecure and competitive.  I have known at least one single man who uses this to his advantage in obtaining threesomes with two women who don’t know each other- he sets up a competitive vibe, where both will try to outdo each other for his pleasure. Although this may be fun for him at the time, and puts him in a position of power, it is usually unsatisfying and upsetting for both women.  It’s also a great way to stir up potential drama so I would suggest avoiding it.  You can have just as much fun with two single women who are good friends – they will feel in control of the situation, happily use you- the male- as the sex object, and walk away feeling great afterwards, drama-free.

The unicorn in your MFF will almost never truly experience a feeling of equality with you both as individuals.  It is for you to be aware of this and try to compensate.  She will not have you afterwards to discuss things with.  She will not have your love.  She will not have your companionship and sense of an adventure shared in doing this.  She will not have discussed strategy and been hunting with you.  Afterwards, she goes home alone.  She very much comes to you as the passive party, and she knows it.  Most unicorns are extremely respectful and careful of treading on anyone’s toes or violating your limits. There are a few who aren’t, and will flout grabbing power from you in your face, but you will learn to rapidly identify them. They aren’t subtle.  They will start on your partner without checking for your agreement, then turn around and smile at you triumphantly. If I’m at a party and I’d like to play with a couple, I will always ask the other part of the couple before I do anything.  For example, “May I kiss your wife’s breasts?” or “is it okay if I suck his cock?”

Once you have captured a unicorn, is it best to release her or keep her for later?


You may feel more secure as a couple if you have set limits beforehand, such as only seeing any girl one time, but you make work for yourself in finding a new one.  If you all have a good time and enjoy the sex, the unicorn may well be happy to play again another time.  Most girls like to have a circle of sexy friends they can see now and then.  Equally, having played once, the unicorn may be happy to be friends but never play again. Regular sex, of any kind, can grow to feelings of attachment, and some unicorns will prefer to avoid this if they think they might be vulnerable to it.  If she says no after the first time, don’t necessarily be insulted.  She may just be protecting herself.  She may also have seen the close loving dynamic between you and feels she would like the same thing for herself- not necessarily with either of you, but in general.

Although there are a very small number of what might be called ‘true unicorns’ – women who do couples as a preference- they are very few and far between.  Most of the unicorns are women no different from you, who have an idea that one day they will be the primary F with someone.  They just haven’t found the right someone yet, and want to carry on having fun while looking.  If you understand this about the women you target, you will have a much higher success rate with them.




*Poly- Poly-amorous person. A person who chooses to participate in a non-monogamous relationship structure.


Think Pink

Well I’ve had foursomes, just never the fabled threesome, believed to be a myth once upon a time.  Just attending fetish events have created an honesty among partners that I’ve never experienced before.   It’s okay to say “I’d like to fuck her,” something people wouldn’t have dreamt of saying to previous partners.  It then becomes a real possibility and the endorphin release is incredible.


  1. I think its about patience and just being friendly and keeping in touch with people.  People get lonely when they break up, they get excited and they get bored.  Happens to us all eventually.  Just being a couple on a few social kik sites, I’ve had several requests for simple, last minute fun without them even knowing what my partner might look like.
  2. Have a better than reality profile pic.  That has to be weighed against the look of disappointment if you aren’t what they expected… then again if it is you then they are having, then that person- you- are their fantasy.  I’ve fallen in love with many photoshopped or photogenic photos.  You should see my instagram follows!
  3. Set the mood right or don’t bother.  Enough to entertain three people, or prepared to splash the cash and have somewhere to go.  Club/fetish playrooms are also a great alternative.
  4. Having an attractive, confident partner will help of course.  You are bound to be approached where the subject can come up.  Or at least one that’s as horny as you are!
  5. Introducing someone to the scene is far more risky than finding and dating someone already used to it.

My own favourite thoughts regarding threesomes are ‘It’s like having your cake and eating it, then having someone else’s too.’


Mr Pink & partner, 30’s, together a few months, fetish event attendees


Mr. Pink describes a multi-pronged approach, and the issues are best dealt with in turn.

Openness with your partner


Mr Pink describes the enjoyment he feels at being able to share his desires freely with his partner, without fear of admonishment.  He references this as an aspect of the fetish scene he enjoys, and indeed the ability to explore sexual arousal in its diversity is a large part of the fetish scene itself.  This is not to say, however, that it is strictly necessary to be a part of it in order to have frank and open discussions with your partner about your sexual desires.  What this comes down to more is the ability to trust them, and feel secure in the knowledge that you respect each other enough not to make light of them or dismiss them.  Depending on how your relationship begins, this may or may not be an issue.  Sometimes these things are all up front, sometimes you have bonded over less sexual matters and it can feel, later on in a relationship, that you have an image to maintain for them.  If that is the case exploring conversationally can be difficult, as you always take a level of risk when you step into unknown territory.  There can also be a fear of miscommunication, and that your partner might feel hurt or devalued if you suggest changing something about your sexual dynamic.

Assuming you have got this far, and you are both happy to explore and gratify each others desires, Mr. Pink goes on to make some suggestions.



As a hunter, it can be tempting to focus on the kill straight away.  Your prey appears to be right there.  Either their is a barrier, or something falls through.  Is it always worth abandoning them and moving straight onto the next one?  Mr. Pink discusses a less focussed approach, in which any number of targets can be maintained at a low intensity social level.  Things change for people, and the target you couldn’t quite pin down a month ago may well be in a different state of mind, for whatever reason, next week.  Your efforts to be sociable and remove a high pressure situation, which many women will balk at, are not wasted.  If you’ve earned the status of friend or acquaintance, they will likely be happy to have you check in from time to time to see how they are doing. Everyone likes to feel popular.  Your ongoing investment of time engenders trust and connection that doesn’t vanish.  For reasons that make no logical sense, women will often feel afraid for their safety meeting a stranger withing a few days to a week.  That same stranger, never even having met, will a few months later seem like an old friend.  This is a move away from unicorn hunting, to unicorn farming.  Extensive, free-range farming.

The art of self-marketing


Mr. Pink talks about how to present yourself online, as discussed in a previous post. However, he goes one step further.  He recommends ‘better than reality’ pictures.  This could mean different things to different people.  Before you break out the photoshop, consider if you have done everything a magazine would first.  How is the lighting? Natural daylight is always more flattering than artificial.  Overhead lighting will cast unflattering shadows and light ahead of you will make you squint.  Choose a ‘good day’.  Go to the gym, take a shower, shave and do your hair nicely.  A natural glow will beat an artificial one hands down.  Find a well lit area and a good simple background.  Have someone else take some pictures, or take a minute of video and use an editor to pick out the most flattering stills from it.  Experiment with poses in the mirror.  Leaning forward will make your head and shoulders look bigger. A shot from below will make you look taller, but is usually unflattering for the face, so be sure your head is back to avoid a double chin.  You can use perspective to be your friend in showing your proportions, rather than your enemy.  Pick out flattering clothes (if it’s the ubiquitous abs shot, nice underwear) that suit your skin tone and fit properly.  Be sure they are ironed and you are looking as you would if you went out to a nice restaurant.  If at all possible, try to smile.  Shots where you think you are doing a slight smile tend to look morose.  I believe it is acceptable to play around with cropping, filters and colour to make the shot look as good as you can.  Temporary blemishes can be erased.  I’d avoid going further than this to improve the shots myself, both for the reason Mr. Pink said- you don’t want them to be disappointed with the real thing- and also because if your picture is too perfect you are likely to be dismissed as a fake offhand.

Show them a good time


The fine art setting the mood is a bit of skill and a bit of luck.  A little luxury never hurts, and anything that transports someone from their mundane life already contains within it an element of eroticism. Give a girl a chance to dress up a little. Get taxis door to door so she can wear heels.  Give her plenty of time to get ready before she meets you. Respect her schedule and plan ahead when it will be a good day for her, so she isn’t rushed or exhausted.  She needs to be able to look forward to this, feel excited about it during the week before, get her nails done.  Drip feed her temptation of an exciting luxurious evening.  Plan ahead for play space – if your place doesn’t cut the mustard, book a hotel and check-in in advance so you can whisk her straight up later, without destroying the mood.  Enjoy seducing her.  Watch her responses and respond to the cues she gives you.

Try to be objective


Your partner may cuddle you in front the fire in winter and bring you breakfast in bed on your birthday.  Be an amazing parent, or always there for you.  Surprise you with roses for no reason.  Your quarry wont get to see any of that.  She is going to have to make a judgement on whether she finds the both of you attractive.  Considering how hard it is to find mutual attraction to form a couple, you need to bear in mind that this is multiplied up by 3.  Its not just 2 way attraction you need now, it’s 6 way.  Very often, one partner in a couple appears significantly more attractive than the other, even without accounting for types and preferences.  On the swing scene, the let down is generally the man.  Short of throwing over your partner altogether and replacing them, what can you do?  Obviously make an effort to look as good as you can.  Try to eat healthily and exercise regularly, drink lots of water, etc.  Yeah, right.  If you were going to go that route you’d already be doing it.  My suggestions are have a good week.  Take a bit of exercise at least 3 times in the run up to the meet, cut out treats and have some fruit and vegetables. You can do it for a week.  Get a suntan (with a spray or tanning bed if need be), remove excess body hair, make sure you’ve recently been to the hairdresser and that you’ve bought (and tried on in advance) some tasteful clothes that are flattering and fit you properly.  Make sure you’ve got good shoes to go with it and new underwear.  It doesn’t need to cost hundreds of pounds, but make it look like you have your life together.  Make it look like you value yourself.  People who don’t put effort into their appearance are valued less by others.  Show your best side.

Playing Fagin


I’ve known two couples on the scene who really enjoyed hunting in the wild.  They would take in, convince and convert vanillas into swingers.  Usually this would be with a single female, at a somewhat vulnerable or uncertain point in her life.  Often quite young, but perhaps right after a break up, or other juncture.  It is, in fact, a similar strategy to religious cults.  There is, from the ‘Fagin’, a sense of power, as the new initiate knows nothing, and looks to their initiator for guidance.  They have not come to this world alone, but have been ushered in when lost. To an extent, I suppose we all were, but some more than others.  Whether or not we later decide we like it here is irrelevant. It is not for me to judge the morals of this, and I’m not going to delve deeply into the BDSM angles of submission, control, daddies & littles, or any other such cross over.  As the hunter, I am going to point out the potential consequences from your perspective.

a) Your initiate is likely to become extremely attached to you.  Possibly worshipful.  If you don’t want this to be a long term thing or you aren’t intending to form some sort of poly relationship, you need to consider how and when you can cut it off with the least drama and damage, before you even begin.

b) Your initiate is likely only doing it to please/impress you.  If you have enough empathy to see sadness in the eyes of another as they undertake what they think they need to do to show their worth, you are going to find it a real buzzkill.  If not, forge right ahead.

c) Your initiate has been guided in this direction by you, at a point they were already fragile.  Accepting some of the acts that are quite commonplace on the swing scene, and what it means to them and their sense of identity to partake in them, requires supportive processing time.  Are you willing to allow them this?

d) Your initiate is an unknown powder keg of potential drama.  If they have come to the scene, with you, to see and do things that are used to inspiring jealously, rage, sorrow, despair, low self esteem or even self harming behaviour in them and everyone they know, then you are tickling the detonator.  You don’t know if they will go off, when, how big or what direction.

Although it is quite possible to ‘ethically’ (if you like), introduce new people to the scene, you need to be very careful about their motivations, and the level of responsibility and personal intimacy with you or someone else that is involved in their decision.  You cannot base this on what they say.  People lie to themselves best of all. Stripping away societal conditioning can be an emancipating experience for a person.  They can join the libertine elite- the hedonistic, natural state for humanity. Yet it is not without its casualties in the process. Introducing a new person is not necessarily easier or more productive for you in the end- it just makes you feel more masterful that you are in the position of greater knowledge and experience.  That illusion fades rapidly when it comes to drama management.

Fear not, my Baby Ducklings, for these are paths that are only options.  If you are a single man, you will find there are plenty of single women on the scene who will be happy to date you and maybe become your primary F.  If you are a couple, there are certainly unicorns to be had, of many varieties, if you know where to look, and how to catch them. Soon, you will.