With the big rise in fetish, BDSM and kink-themed dance parties, there has also been a rise in the number of newbies attending for reasons other than the obvious. The kink scene has long had an unjustifiably taboo reputation as a dangerous choice. Vanillas say things like, “As long as you are being careful!” or, “Stay safe!” or, “You’re so brave!”
What is the kink & BDSM party community really?
This attitude completely overlooks the fact that the BDSM community is one of the friendliest, most inclusive and safest places a person can go. The respect, the instilled doctrine of consent and the ethos of taking care of each other and making lasting connections is alluring, especially for those who have found this to come to them less naturally in their younger years. Sometimes, this is because they learned shame about their turn-ons and interests that they felt others didn’t identify with.
For some, this is because their neurodivergent natures made neurotypicals harder work to understand and bond with (and the scene is absolutely full of lovely neurodivergent people.) Sometimes it is because their gender presentation, sexuality, ethnicity or unfashionable body type has left them feeling alienated and unaccepted by the wider vanilla world (most of the kink scene prides itself on being super-inclusive.)
The wider vanilla world, by and large, hasn’t realised yet that this is what the kink scene is actually about. It is about crafting and celebrating a step towards a social utopia. It’s a step away from the conventional- what’s fashionable for the mainstream. How we are encouraged to look, to behave and to live our lives.
Some vanilla (non-kinky) people have caught onto this safe-haven of BDSM party events.
Since events that are mixed kink and dance events (for example Torture Garden, Imaginarium, JoyRide, Quench, Riot, Antichrist) provide all the fun of a huge rave (or dance to other musical genre) with no requirement for any kink participation (no kink event actually requires kink participation, though some events would be a little pointless to attend if you have no interest in BDSM) it can be very much viewed as a ‘safe space’ by the non-kinky.
Just as, historically, straight women have sought out gay clubs for nights out to avoid male harassment, the kink scene provides a similar ambiance. There are a lot of events which are predominantly queer events involving kink, but no kink event is queer-unfriendly.
Reasons why ‘Vanillas’ choose Kink & BDSM Events:
Safety at Kink Events
Because kink events are so consent-based and well monitored, the kind of behaviour commonplace in a vanilla night club (like ass grabbing) would be justification for expulsion and a ban.
Inclusivity on the BDSM scene
There can be an expectation that your gender identity, sexuality and appearance will be welcomed at almost any hybrid dance-kink event. Diversity is welcomed and encouraged.
Dressing Up & BDSM
Most events will expect you to dress up. How strict this is varies, with places like Torture Garden, JoyRide and Klub Verboten having a reputation for being very choosy on the door (the exact ways in which they are choosy vary- check out their websites for more details.) Events will often have themed nights as well, so every night is sort of like Halloween. Things you imagine you couldn’t possibly wear to a vanilla club- harnesses, lingerie, a tiger costume, a full latex suit – are welcomed at various events and add to the ambiance. It is freeing to dress as you feel, rather than keeping up with this season’s looks. Self-actualisation without the restrictions.
Spectacle of BDSM
Kink events will often have shows, cabaret, performances and even one-on-one kink scenes can be amazing to watch. Fire play or Shibari, for example, are hypnotic and showy.
Unfortunately the downside to this is you do end up with some vanillas coming to ogle. They are usually not dressed in kink wear, don’t know the rules (like not to touch or interrupt a scene) and can ruin the flow of the night for everyone. This is part of why so many events insist on the correct attire – purchasing good kink wear is a sign of dedication to the lifestyle and separates you from the tourists. The main culprits for ettiquette breaches are (sorry boys) cis-het men at parties that also allow swinging. No, boys it doesn’t work like that.
This is why a lot of events will also ask for vetting, recommendation from a member or want to check your understanding of consent and know your kink-event history. It’s not to be snooty. It’s to make sure you aren’t going to stumble into creating problems through lack of experience. That said, a lot of the bigger events (like Torture Garden) don’t require vetting, so it is perfectly possible for everyone to get started, provided they dress the part and learn the kink scene etiquette. As for how to do that, there is an abundance of information online, free workshops and chat groups that will help you learn the ropes (no pun intended.)
Dancing at Kink Parties
Many kink events are 95% dance events- with huge, multiple dancefloors, DJs, great light shows and sound systems. Provided you aren’t a complete prude, it is possible to treat them like a standard dance event. One that has a more respectful crowd.
How do we feel about this?
This is a tricky one, as everyone has to start somewhere. There is no other way. We don’t just come to our first event in full latex with an encyclopaedic knowledge of SSC, PRICK, RACK and every other BDSM acronym. We all need time and experience to learn to navigate the kink world and its higher standards of responsibility. Things like ongoing consent. Accountability. Responsibility for our own and our playmates’ psychological welfare. The importance of aftercare. Gaining that experience means we will make mistakes along the way.
The kink scene is not the most forgiving environment for transgressions, in many ways. It is a small enough world that there is little anonymity, even in the large cities. Organisers will cross-check with each other. You’ll run into the same people again and again. For all the kink-scene aspirations to create a non-vanilla utopia, there are personalities and cliques that can get a little high-school about things. It’s not as bad as a Facebook group for the random gate-keeping, but people will be people, so it’s worth treading carefully and taking the time to learn. If you view it as a long journey and are honest about where you are, people will help and shelter you.
What is the point of this post?
I’m not sure really. We dislike kink-scene tourists, yet we are always happy to convert an open-minded vanilla to our lifestyle. Don’t treat us like animals in the zoo, but rather like a culture you are visiting and hoping to integrate with long-term. We are fun and we are loving and open people, who have often had a bad run with vanilla society in the past. We love our community and we want to protect it and keep it good. Keep it improving. We are accessible to all who do the work. Once you’ve done the work, you see why. It’s not to keep you out. It’s to keep the kink scene a place that we all want to stay IN.
Want some resources to learn more about BDSM rules and etiquette? Try these sites:
Rules & Etiquette Imaginarium Events
*This post is an opinion piece and has been written based on my own current thoughts, feelings and lived experience. Experiences of others may be different. I may change my opinion in the future. Dissenting respectful opinions are welcome in the comments section. The links contained are not sponsored links and are added for reference for the readers to easily obtain more information.
*All photos generated by Ai including Midjourney Ai, except Secrets Workshop which was taken with consent and remains her property all rights reserved.
