Before I attended my first party many moons ago, my thoughts were not so much on the ethics, or the self-image, but rather on trying to figure out what on earth I was supposed to wear, bring and do. After a fair amount of research on online forums, I found most of my questions were answered, but a little generic ‘what you need for your first party’ guide sure seems like it would be as handy now as it ever was.
Single women (or those who choose to play as singles), new to the scene, dipping their toe in for the first time, here is your guide. Whether it’s a one-off experiment or the start of a long and lascivious journey into the underworld of the underground alternative sex scene, everyone starts somewhere. Wherever you are going, whatever you plan to do there, here is what you need:
The First Sex Party Survival Kit
Bikini wax
Book in advance to be done ideally 2 days before the event so it can all settle down. Although you see a little variety (in the UK at least) in terms of a landing strip or a carefully trimmed and tapered groin topiary, the standard is smooth and bare. If you’ve got the money for laser removal, great. The second choice is a professional bikini wax, with a true professional who is properly qualified and experienced (the extra £10 is well worth avoiding the risk of a cancelled party and trip to A&E). I like Anton in Hampshire. He’s really good, virtually painless and not judgemental about why you’re getting it. Go for the full Hollywood, including removing any around the back. You might not be able to see it, but others will. Likewise, any additional pampering like facials, body scrubs, and whatnot before the event can be nice to have so you feel your best, but trust me on the waxing; It’s an area you want to look good and not be pocked and bumpy from a bad shave.
Lingerie
Depending on the style of the party, the details of this might vary. Have a look on the FAQs or party rules on the website- it will tell you what theme to go with. Choosing how much to spend is a matter of personal taste- while some women will be in Coco de Mer or Agent Provocateur, others will know that items often get lost or mixed up in the dark and luxurious surroundings of the parties, and be happy in something cute and fun for single use from Primark.
I’d suggest always buy something new, and try it on well in advance. You want to be a mixture of comfortable and squeezed in all the right directions. Make sure the outfit works altogether, including your heels and stockings. Check whether you’ve bought stockings or hold-ups, and add or remove suspenders accordingly. Such an obvious but common mistake.
Corsets look great on everybody but work best when there’s a good changing room and you are going with friends who can tighten you up. Bodystockings can look wonderful, and full-length ones can make you feel covered and concealed while still looking really sexy. Consider the ease of access issues though – crotchless items can really come into their own in the swing party environment.
Bring a spare pair of knickers, tights, and shoes (possibly flats to go home in) for when things get wet. Don’t bring loads of stuff for multiple costume changes- you’ll waste your party time. Save other outfits for the next one.
Arrival Attire
You want to show up looking and feeling your best at the door. Sexy, but not exposed. If it’s your first party you are likely going to have a strange sense of surrealism that grows through the day until you get inside, and the last thing you want is to feel like you are out of place or have not dressed the part. You may well spend a lot of the evening in your arrival clothes rather than your lingerie, or vice versa! Different parties have different vibes, trajectories through the evening and different people may disrobe at different times, or there may be a pre-arranged ‘all at once’ moment. The event will give you information on the site about what to expect, and likely reiterate it to you by email just before the event.
A more kink-based party might call for something like a latex dress (a whole post within itself about latex!) or leather, something black or a bit gothic. A swinger party is likely to have a more cocktail-dress based look. There is often a theme- my advice is, go subtle on the theme, with more of the sexy. For example, a Halloween party might be a sexy lacey black negligee with a witch hat, rather than a full-on zombie. Bunny ears at Easter rather than a full-on onesie cosplay suit. Delicate Venetian eye mask rather than a full-face rubber Trump head. You get my drift. It’s a nod to the notion with a sexy twist, rather than a costume contest. Of course, there are always exceptions.
Good hair, good makeup, nice heels, and a delicate perfume are always in vogue. Make sure your heels walk the line between decorative and wearable. A lot of places have stairs or uneven floors. I have myself done a less than graceful swan-dive off some carpeted stairs where my heel caught and landed 6 feet down at the feet of one of the security. I’m fortunately deceptively indestructible, but it’s not a great way to make an entrance.
Ticket!
So obvious. Book your ticket in advance. Even for the sought after unicorns, things can still sell out for a popular party. Many places offer early bird deals that make it worthwhile planning ahead. Ensure you take a screenshot of your e-ticket and any crucial venue information you are sent, as finding it again in your email folder or when you have mysteriously lost 4g connection is such an embarrassment and delays the line.
Get your ducks in a row
Really basic things you’ll kick yourself if you forget:
-fully charge your phone before you go. External battery packs are also a godsend.
-Check your Uber app is updated, working, that your card is still valid on it and that the card it’s attached to has money in the account. Check whether the party location is actually served by Uber – not all cities are. Either way, take spare cash with you that’s enough to cover a taxi. You may start at the party and end up elsewhere. Nights get crazy like that sometimes- that’s half the fun.
-Take spare cash to pay for drinks (some run a ticket system for the bar). Some venues have BYOB – buy just as much alcohol as you think it’s a good idea to drink for these. You’ll also potentially need cash for the locker room (£2 usually), perhaps as a deposit to secure a locker (up to £20 refundable- don’t quote me on that- there are still places I haven’t been!) and maybe some if people decide to meet for pre-drinks, or if there’s some kind of random emergency.
-Somewhere to stay. Though some parties run into the early hours, be prepared for a possible early closure if problems arise, there are low party numbers, or frankly, if you just get tired at 3am or decide you aren’t feeling it for some reason. Not all trains and tubes run all night and I’ve known taxis to take over 2 hours just to show up. If you have a place nearby to stay, whether a cheap little crash pad like a hostel bed or an Easyhotel room, it gives you options. If you go with friends you can get a good rate on room sharing somewhere nice, it’s fun to get ready together and it gives you a place to make sure you are looking and feeling your best, well rested and all set, close to the venue. There’s nothing like a long train, tube or bus ride, all dolled-up to make you feel like a peasant before you even arrive. Nice short taxi ride, heels and hair in place, gets you feeling the vibe. You never know; if you fancy a little after-party with someone special you meet at the party, you might just be glad you have somewhere to take them (touch of Disney romance there for you, as it’s your first party and all).
Accessories
Here’s what else you need in your little bag:
Condoms – even if the parties provide them, bring your own. Bring ones you like, bring a variety of sizes (including extra large. Oh yes, that happens too!) Bring latex-free. Bring so many it’s laughable. And bring little sachets of lube. It may well be a long night. You never know your luck. You don’t want to be done by 11pm.
Baby wipes – For before. For after. For in between. For your hands. For your handbag which is suddenly covered in a mysterious sticky mess. For your shoes. For taking off your makeup after.
Makeup – Even if you’ve got waterproof mascara. Smudgeproof lipstick. Some kind of car-paint foundation that is money-back waterproof guaranteed. Bring a kit to touch it all up. It’s going to be everywhere.
Really small plastic food bags – the kind you buy fruit in at the supermarket. A couple of these are great for bringing wet items home in. Probably your own. Occasionally other people’s. By accident. When you mix them up.
Sponges – If there is ever a time in your life, when you are going to spontaneously start your period, totally out of cycle, it will be just as you arrive at a sex party. Perhaps God really does hate hedonists? Always pack at least one sponge or diaphragm that is safe to use during sex. Two, because then you can be a saviour to another woman when it happens to her. I like Joy Division. They are soft and inexpensive and do a pretty marvellous job. Getting them out after a good pounding is a matter I’m not going to address here.
Lip balm – Kind of sounds like it should come under makeup but deserves a role all of its own. Sometimes you just don’t want to put lipstick quite that far out around your mouth. Yet late in the night you really feel like you wish you could.
Pocket tissues – just in case they run out of loo roll. Sounds glamorous, doesn’t it? And yet….
Little toy – optional extra. Some events, people will bring bags of kinky stuff. Some, they bring nothing. It’s always fun to have a little travel-sized item to spice things up. Just to bring out if it’s called for. Recommendations are tiny vibrator bullets, stretchy cock rings, pinwheel, travel riding crop (6 inches or less), travel flogger (folds up to a few inches) or a roll of PVC tape, blindfold, short rope length. Ensure you know how to use it safely and correctly in advance. (Obviously, don’t share intimate toys, be prepared to dispose of them)
Top Recommendations
These are not so much things to pack, but things I strongly recommend you do:
Research – read everything the event says online. Then read about it elsewhere. Not paid for reviews and advertorials- look for things that aren’t flashy. Talk to people who have been. Get a really good, broad perspective. Not everyone likes the same things. Speak to other single women who have been. They will tell you more than the website ever will. Consider that everywhere will have both positives and negatives. If you can’t find any negatives, you haven’t looked hard enough yet. Make your own judgments, based not on what you hope for, but what you are prepared to handle. Every night is unique. Every event is different.
Go with friends – Just because you are going as a single, it doesn’t mean you have to go alone. If you don’t have friends you’d want to go to a swinger party with, make some new ones. You will, most likely, get approached by a lot of single men, and plenty of couples if you go on forums and chat groups. Talk to all the planned attendees on that chat groups. Get to feel at home and like you know who will be around you. These people can absolutely be wonderful. I know wonderful couples, and wonderful single men. But more especially, I suggest you make friends with the other single women. Find other single women who are attending and go together. They will usually welcome you and you will make the most amazing friends, so quickly. If you can attend socials or meet them beforehand, even better.
Every woman needs more than company in a new scenario. More than someone to watch their back if they find they didn’t choose the event that matches their expectations. They need someone to talk about it with after. To debrief, regroup. Make sense of this amazing new adventure you’ve undertaken.
If you go with the right people around you, you soon come to find that all the rest of the survival kit is just window dressing. The right people can take time to find, but they are there.
Happy adventures, baby unicorns & lady libertines.
xxx
- What is your own survival kit for a party?
- What is your top tip for a woman attending her first party?
- What do you wish you’d known before you went?
Share your wisdom in the comments section.
*Links and mentions of companies in this post are not sponsored and are not affiliated with this blog
Also a top tip, especially if you’re wearing expensive lingerie…wrap your panties round your wrist when you take them off (because if you’re like me you always take them off…) to make sure you don’t lose them!
The biggest thing I saw on the swinging scene with single girls (of which I am one) was how much they drank to feel comfortable. My one bit of advice (because I could wax lyrical here!) is do not drink loads! You’ll wake up either not remembering what you did, pass out from the heat or regret something that happened while you were inhebriated.
It also means that the empaths around you will need to spend their time looking after you, rather than enjoying the party.
So be sensible. Booze, water, booze, water.
If you can’t do it sober, why do it at all…. a wise man one told me.
I’d also like to add that I met this amazing writer and libertine on the scene several years ago; and we are still firm friends. 🙌🏻 The men have come and gone and let me down quicker than a balloon stabbed by a carving knife, but the girlfriends remain. Offering advice, clothes, makeup and life long lessons.