Lockdown has thrown us one curveball after another in the UK. A decision made with an expectation of a three-week duration has spanned to three months, survival mode has stretched to a life we didn’t expect, and ultimately the question, the need, on everyone’s lips, now we have food and a sense of the long haul, is ‘when can we have sex?’
Unlike the Netherlands, who suggested selecting a sex friend for the duration, we have been told in no uncertain terms that we must keep two metres from others at all times, and as if that weren’t enough, the people we can even see to keep two metres from has not been dictated by natural feelings of friendship, bonding or love, but by economics.
Today marks the day that casual sex has officially been made illegal.
We are permitted to have sex with those residing in our household (which is lovely for those in the rare, idyllic, domestic polyamorous situation) and that all others must be rationed, and then at a two metre distance. And outside. Unless they need the loo. And then they have to clean it after (which is an epic tradition that I propose continue long after Covid 19 is a distant, dark memory.)
I think we are all a little annoyed, to say the least, that this basic human need, foregone by so many for so long, has now been officially made illegal, and before we were told it was ‘just guidance’. I’m sure if 99% of us knew that we’d have taken the risk. Among the huge drama of seeing the world burn, with plague and racist police killings, with the leaders of the Western World exposed as paedophiles, rapists, charlatans, buffoons and incompetent pied-pipers whistling us along an unhappy path to our doom, it is, in the words of Duran Duran, ‘just a little sorrow talk.’
Nonetheless, we, the self-elected elite, may lead the way where the political elite have failed us.
We are not fools and cowards, who will act and then run, ignore risks to others in favour of our own interests. Of course not. We are better than that. We are calm, intelligent and logical. We have planned, considered and made provision. For the art of the appearance of spontaneity, as you know my darling libertines, was ever in the preparation. Our Cummings and goings need not be haphazard and ridiculous. We know full well that three months of masturbation does not require one to test their eyesight, whatever the Victorians may have thought. We are smart, law-abiding citizens. Beyond this, we are community-minded. We have done our part to support those of our community who are key workers, who have health concerns that require them to fully isolate, who have been trapped in a more difficult situation than our own. We have restricted ourselves in solidarity, if nothing else.
With this in mind, I am here to guide you as to how to make the most of this situation, as per the letter of the law as it stands today.
I may also throw in a little infection-control science. Because that seems to be rather different from the law in many ways. Told you we were the clever and responsible ones.
As of today, the law prohibits having another person inside your house for social and other ‘activity’ purposes, unless they are one of a specific number of professions, none of which I suggest you start to sexually harass out of desperation. The fact that maids and nannies are exempt is, I’m sure, nothing to do with the wild fantasies of the wealthy middle-aged men who wrote the legislation.
Here is what you can do:
You can have up to six people (it is recommended, though not a legal requirement, that the six are comprised of a maximum of two households) into your ‘private outdoor space’. In order to do this, they may go through your house and use your bathroom as needed. It is recommended, though not legally required, that these people all keep 2 metres distance from each other for the duration, do not share food or utensils, and do not make physical contact outside.
Let’s be good citizens and follow not just the law, but the guidance.
Indoor private space is now a prohibited place for even two people to meet. Public indecency laws mean that frolics in public spaces have always been illegal (sorry doggers.)
What that leaves us, my lovely libertines and sexy swingers, is private outdoor space. Private outdoor space for up to six. This is our new reservation.
The privilege of outdoor space is not something all can afford- few are fortunate enough to have acres of un-overlooked land, not criss-crossed with footpaths where the local vicar may be walking his dog. Many have no outdoor space, or a very limited amount. For those of you with even a smidgen, this is where you can creatively follow the rules.
Firstly, what is the space you have? We are currently blessed with atypical sunny weather. We cannot assume this will continue. The current regulations classify indoors by the smoking regulations- therefore a roof/canopy and a single wall/barrier is the most we can put in place. Yet that is okay. This still leaves us options.
What makes an alluring outdoor space, which stirs the loins while being passable for a landlord inspection? The notion of crumbling antique shrubberies, festooned with vines and trailing flowers is a wonderful adjunct to a suitable period property, yet well beyond the reach of many humble urban or suburban libertines. Apart from the privileged few, we must scale, and we must get creative.
The first thing to do is assess your outdoor space. What do you have? A boxy, fenced lawn overlooked by 60 new builds? A balcony? A rooftop? There are all potential outdoor spaces that meet the requirements, provided you do not pack them more tightly than a 2 metre diameter between each participant allows.
You’ll need to see what you have, and consider hard how this can become your outdoor boudoir space.
Dog toys, straggling weeds and the detritus of years simply won’t cut the mustard when creating your outdoor boudoir. Once you have decided on your vital components, you need to shed any messy remnants of normal life. Normal life is not sexy. Put those empty, plastic flower pots away, throw out whatever doesn’t fit the style and be utterly ruthless in your cull.
Create lounging space
Your guests will need places to sit and to recline and play. They need to be stylish but comfortable. Wipe clean is, as always, helpful. You can always add to your basics with some luxurious textured throws, pillows and accessories on the day. You’ll need surfaces to rest drinks or luxury canapes.
Though some noise can be disguised with music, you’ll need to consider all the angles you can be seen from. 20 foot fences are not practical, so think about how the angles can be shielded. A gazebo (get a good one- the cheap ones won’t last a single session), pergola with lattice and trailing vines, or in a pinch, a camouflage net or roll fence with artificial ivy will provide some shade and visual obscurity, without forming a dense wall. Large pot plants can be bought or rented and repositioned.
A rooftop or balcony will be more challenging, but require less in terms of angles and materials needed. Three point sails on posts, sun screens, bead curtains and even translucent corrugated plastic roofing can provide some visual obscurity. Temporary items can be made to look good, though the more you plan and spend, the better the effect is likely to be. Let’s be honest though. If you have an outdoor space and a small collection of people who have been locked down in unwilling celibacy for three months, they might not be all that picky. That’s not the point. The point is that one should hone one’s art as a seductive creature, always and under all circumstances. Make it good. Be proud of your creation.
As overnight stays are not allowed, it may be best to plan your frolics for the daytime. The subtle lighting effects that are normally so useful indoors at night are then rather a lost cause. That is not to say things cannot be done- control your shade levels well and you will be able to relight areas with candles, a small brazier or other features. It can really change the mood. Pink light is universally flattering and red light makes for an instant sexy feel. Sunlight can be reddened by using red canvas and there are options to use crystals and screens to create rainbow effects for a wonderful bohemian vibe.
We are outside, so make use of mother nature and design the space to fit the mood. Hurricane lanterns, tealight holders, exotic pottery and art can transform the mundane into the cosy and exciting. There are a number of interesting, luxuriant plants that can be used to brighten the space and make it fun. Shibari fan? Try making some hanging plant pot holders with your best ropework.
The ultimate outdoor party accessory is surely a hot tub. As yet, there is no official guidance on this. Clearly there is an enhanced level of risk, though a firm handful of chlorine after each socially distanced group should be enough to kill just about anything. If your budget doesn’t stretch to an installed one, the inflatable hot tubs are truly excellent. You’ll need to plan a few days ahead to fill it and heat it, and you’ll need it to be near a tap, power source and drain. Don’t try putting them on a roof or balcony- they weigh a huge amount when full and crashing through the structure of your building isn’t nearly as hilarious as it looks in films. They need a strong, flat surface.
You can do without a hot tub and substitute a number of other playful activities- water guns, a foam party, let your imagination run wild! People will feel strange and not themselves constantly checking their natural urges to come close to each other, so give them an icebreaker that’s playful and memorable. A saucy card or board game can be fun, taking the appeal to a more intellectual yet playful realm. Saunas are lovely, but unless you already have one they probably aren’t worth putting in place for your new outdoor boudoir. If you have the un-overlooked space and light, a naked sunbathing party could be great fun! Comfortable sun loungers and refreshing cocktails bring out that holiday feeling, while the sunlight heats and massages the skin in the most sensual of ways. Even creating a game to play in a sprinkler can be a wonderful ice-breaker.
So, as I understand it at present (I’m not a lawyer, this is not official advice, please clarify with your local MP) there is LAW and there is GUIDANCE.
LAW is that you cannot do things in your house with even one other person, unless they live there. They can use the loo (and perhaps the shower?) and come through the house on the way to the outdoor space. Law is that those displaying potential symptoms should fully isolate and not visit. Unless they are a preferred advisor to the Prime Minister.
GUIDANCE is that they should stay 2 metres apart (unless they are from the same household) and that you should not invite more than one household at a time. That you should bring and serve your own food and drinks separately (which is, frankly, something of a money saver).
This leaves us a small slice of the once wide Venn diagram in which we may freely enjoy ourselves. You could, for example:
-Invite a domestic couple round, and both play in pairs while you watch each other
-Invite three housemates round who play together, while you play separately
-use a very long stick to involve yourself somehow
-Practice BDSM by shooting nerf balls at their back or using a six foot bullwhip
-Master the dark side of the force (Darth Vader level) for breath play
-Practice mutual masturbation and long-distance ejaculation (jury is still out on whether semen can carry covid) for a friendly group bukkake session
-Discover a love of cuckolding/chastity play
-Joyfully direct each other to make a home porno
Ultimately, yes, the situation is not ideal. Yet we, my lovely libertines, have the skills and wisdom to put our community first, be excellent law-abiding citizens, and show the political elite how it ought to be done. It’s no longer just our legal right: it’s our civic duty.
Happy hunting! xxx