Swinger parties are fun- they give us the chance to present our sexual selves, free of the daily grind of life and embrace our inner sex god or goddess. We get to dress up, feel sexy and connect with people we might never normally meet, all within the safe confines of a world created just for pleasure. Yet is compartmentalisation of this aspect of ourselves, and those we meet, all part of the fun? The secrecy? The hidden-ness? Or is this a reflection of shame about sexuality?

Time for a swinger poll

I went to the lovely people of Instagram to run a little straw poll.

The question was thus: Would you take home a woman you met at a swinger party? And the choices were just to play, or to meet my folks.

I also did the same with a man.

The results were interesting.

60% of the respondents said they would take her home just to play.

The more interesting question is why?

Why not take home a swinger?

Some of the respondents messaged me to say they were part of a couple and it would confuse their parents, some were single women and some were single men. The fact is, more than half the people who meet a single woman at a swinger party will compartmentalise her, and restrict her input into the rest of their life, regardless of any other qualities she may have.

On the swing scene, this is actually fairly common. People often come in with a sandbox attitude – they can try things out, explore, play and it won’t affect the rest of their lives. They can just be their sexy selves, and nothing needs to become real. The people they meet there are viewed as just a part of that world- separate, and safe. Free of responsibility.

Swinger woman stigma

There is also the question of how much of this division is due to stigma of a sexual woman. Bear in mind, if you met her at a swinger party, it means you were there too. The men all want to pleasure a woman who has embraced her sexuality, yet take home a borderline virgin. Still. Even in this day and age. So when we present ourselves as sexually empowered, there seems to be a lingering notion that that is all we know how to be. Clearly a ridiculous notion- we don’t get the bus to work in our lingerie, wait to pick up the kids from school in six inch heels and talk nothing but sexual frolics after Sunday church.

We know how to be appropriate and bring out different versions of ourselves at different times, just as men do. Yet men are not categorised as one thing or another- they are all expected to be sexual, and comfortable with expressing sexuality. To do so does not mean they will be pigeon-holed as nothing but a plaything. Or does it?

Take home a swinger man?

Surprisingly, even more of the respondents, 69%, said that he wouldn’t get to meet their folks, but he would be a playmate. Why should this be?

Looking at the breakdown of the responses, most of them were from men. Of the respondent profiles that presented as women, nearly all of them said he could meet their folks. So perhaps what we are looking at is still a division that men have about those they play with sexually, in an unconventional or less restrained way- those they play with but don’t present as a possession.

It is not clear whether the men who would restrict him to playtime were viewing him as a wingman/ MMF partner, and thus didn’t want to overlap, or as a potential bisexual playmate, and thus wanted to keep the information about their sexuality discrete from their family.

So many questions!

Should you open your life?

Is the context in which you meet someone ultimately important? Does dividing and compartmentalising your life and sexuality bring tangible benefits and safety, or is it all just steeped in fear and shame? The way you are treated by those you meet on the scene is going to be different, and unlikely something you can push through to change. There is still a great deal of stigma about sexuality, and being a swinger is not a characteristic protected under law. It is widely frowned upon, judged harshly, and discretion is encouraged from every angle.

The nature of someone’s life, how used they are to hiding things and their external pressures to conform are going to be the strongest factors in determining how they view you; how far you manage to inch your way into their heart and life- if you even want to! Plenty of people, especially couples, keep their lives firmly divided to attempt to have the best of both worlds. Then, of course, you have the boundary-less hippies like me.

Happy Anniversary

This piece is actually written in celebration of a five year anniversary this week. Not a vanilla, conventional, anniversary. It is the anniversary of meeting my best friend. We met one evening, as part of a swinger socialising group, and got up to some mischief (details in the book), before she impressed me in every way over tea the next morning. I didn’t set out to make a new best friend that night, but I did. And through five years of the ups and downs of being a woman in the world, tears, laughter and the occasional fight, I can look back and say she’s someone I can’t imagine having kept out of my wider life, because I would have missed so very much. Where you meet someone doesn’t really matter. It is just the genesis point of similarity that brings you together.

And happily, I have indeed met her folks. I was the perfect image of discretion and good behaviour. It’s really not hard.

What are your reasons for keeping your life compartmentalised? Would you let someone into your daily life from the swing scene? When, why and under what circumstances? Tell your story in the comments below!

Greater London Swingers