Ever find your swinger app admin is now like a part time job? Here’s a tip for all the sexy swinger ladies to navigate their way through the seas of men, and have something useful at the end.

You may have noticed, on apps, some events and in the swinger world generally, that there is an overabundance of single men. Even if we weed out those we don’t find attractive in some way, we still end up with a lot of swaggering sausage going spare. What’s a lady to do?

It might seem a wonderful thing to have so many attractive men around from the perspective of a single woman (or, indeed a hotwifing couple), but the trouble is, most of them aren’t very useful (yes boys, sorry but it’s true).

Fortunately, most of these men are pretty up front about exactly what situations they want, and thus can be easily categorised for potential usefulness in your burgeoning swinger kingdom, event hosting or to make up a plus one to a swinger event. Here’s what you need to know:

Are they into the same things sexually?

This is pretty easy to find out on the first date. Unfortunately, a lot of handsome, well endowed young men are lacking in skills, but they can still be wonderful arm candy.

-> show off pile – take them to events and let your lady friends have a go with them, so you don’t have to, while getting envious looks from the other women that you’ve secured an apparent hottie yet again.

Are they looking for a one-off meet?

These aren’t usually very useful for the future. I mean, we don’t need a white picket fence and a ring, but if it’s a one off, it will either be good or bad. Either way, it’s a bit of a waste of time and makeup for whatever your longer term goals are.

-> don’t pursue

Are they willing to actually attend a swinger event with you?

The world if full of fantasists who watch porn and send messages, but lack the balls to actually try things in real life. Unless they are extremely, consistently keen to attend something with you, or have already attended events, this is a waste of phone battery.

-> don’t pursue

Do they require a lot of teaching to enter the swinger world?

While some men do their research, a lot aren’t very keen on learning things- like appropriate conduct, how to approach people to play with at a party, or how to navigate appropriate consent at an event. Unless you really have a drive to play instructor (which, btw, will never actually become a relationship) men of this kind will be a millstone around your neck, cause problems, create drama and potentially get you banned from events if you’ve vouched for them. Ask them some probing questions to check their understanding of the basics, and make your decision whether to meet then.

-> proceed with caution

Are they looking for an occasional casual f-buddy?

Guys like this lack the motivation/ambition to be what every single lady wants: a good party partner. They will message up once or twice a year to reminisce about casual sex with you, but ultimately don’t put in the time to keep you interested. For guys like this (which are, perhaps, 95% of applicants) I have devised a zone I call ‘the meat pile’. This is a zone of infinite size and zero investment from either side, which can form a pool of attractive single men for you to call on if you are running an event, party or looking to set something up with multiple people for play. Be warned, they usually won’t be available (as it’s zero investment) so keep a large pile. Oddly, men don’t seem to object to being messaged up after long silent gaps by prior sexual partners the way women do.

-> meat pile

Are they looking for a swinger party partner?

This is where your main effort should be focussed. Men like these obviously have to meet a lot of initial criteria- suitably attractive to yourself and others, unproblematic in word, behaviour and appearance to attend the places you want to go, and have a personality and intelligence that you find good to work with and plan with. Obviously, this takes time to discover fully, and you will start out more with a meat-pile situation. The crucial thing is to find out whether they would like a regular swinging partner at the start, as most of the meat pile will lack the reliability (and usually indicate this from the start.)

A word of warning: having a regular swinging/party partner can become confusingly bonding, so ensure they are either your regular vanilla partner, or that you are in an open/polyamorous arrangement with someone who doesn’t want to swing, and is happy for you to find someone to fit this niche. It’s important to have your real-life validation fulfilled in a way that doesn’t place pressure on your party partner to step up. They don’t.

-> worth investigation

Are they looking to meet a woman on the swinger scene for a real relationship?

Don’t be silly. They don’t exist.

-> re-evaluate your goals and expectations for being a swinger

So ladies, there you have it. How to save time and build your flock of fawning nubile menfolk, for you fill whatever gaps arise as you build your own swinger empire, on the rise. Simply ask the questions at the start, test, sort, assign.

Any gentlemen feeling used or offended by this way of categorising human beings by what they might be useful for, please rest assured. You guys have had your own version of this for a long time.

Happy swinging, baby ducklings!