Fuckboys. We all know what that mean, right?
Any hole’s a goal?
One has to question his motivation in fucking anything that moves. Low self esteem? Something to prove? Pathological dissociation? Is it directed at devaluing you personally?
Whereas even the most promiscuous women will generally have a certain standard of person they will not drop below, the same cannot sometimes be said of a few of the menfolk. One can meet a charming, good-looking guy, feel well matched or even a little flattered by his attention, and then look on in horror as he happily works his way through absolutely anyone who will have him.
So what is the motivation at work here, and how do we deal with it…
Sadly our disposable relationship with the world extends to sex. Men, and some women, throng to swinging and sex sites with one overriding agenda…to get laid. Which is fair enough, but we are breeding an army of men who fuck anything. Just fulfilling the rush of sex…the endorphins that pump through you afterward.
For some, any hole really is a goal. These people lie and scheme and create multiple profiles to get their need fulfilled. They think women should be grateful for some attention and that we are all just waiting patiently at home for that message to ‘cum over’! It’s just an extension of the Harvey Weinsteins and Gary Glitters and Bill Cosbys. This isn’t a new idea…it’s one passing down through generations. Have it all guys…the women, the cash, the house, the lifestyle. Do what you want when you want. And somewhere, somehow, it has to change.
Rah, single girlie
Firstly, let’s make some categories for fuckboys:
The equal opportunity fuckboys
He shows no kind of discrimination whatsoever. In his equation, it’s all simple addition, and every goal is worth a ‘1’. He makes no distinction and is clearly all about NSA sex, with anyone. You don’t even need to have a profile picture up. He will do ‘never met, never spoken’ sex meets as a preference. He will probably message you with an opening line of ‘NSA fun now?’ and send you a picture of his dick. He doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, and can’t imagine that you’d want any more information to go on either.
‘It’s all pink on the inside’
Mr. IMS, Fabswingers
Photo by Eugene Capon from Pexels
2. The pokemon collector fuckboys
He will appear on a group chat or forum, mentally list all the women, and steadily work his way through them, as though there’s a prize at the end. The challenge is in the hunt and ticking off the boxes. If you are part of the set, you are all worth a ‘1’. His goal is to sit back and go ‘yeah, had them all. #Madskillz.’
You think I’m kidding. This is a real thing. They will label themselves ‘hunters’ and sometimes collaborate in all-male groups of their own to brag/ share info/ strategize. They may also work alone. The women despise them for this, yet I have seen a woman turn around and complain about men who do this to a guy I already knew was doing exactly the same thing. He smiled and nodded politely. I guess that’s your warning.
3. The confusingly unnecessary fuckboys
This one is a snake in the grass. He presents as a ‘regular guy’. Perhaps even a highly ‘dateable guy’. You get on, he’s charming, you feel an intellectual connection. you feel a sort of friend/lover vibe. So what if you have met him on a sex site or swing event? I mean, you are there too, right? Perhaps you are like-minded individuals with the same tastes and libertine ideals. How lovely. Happy ending?
Yet he can’t stop having sex with skanky women. Now, let’s be clear: skanky is a pretty subjective term. Far be it for me to look down on any woman who has embraced her sexuality and liberated herself from the conventional archetypes dictated as desirable by the patriarchy.
So let’s define skanky. These are women you would not expect him to date. He’s good-looking, charming, desirable. You could see yourself dating him. Maybe you are dating him. More likely one of those difficult non-defined, not-quite-there-but-maybe situations so common in the world of single non-monogamy. On the edge of catching feels. Maybe you have them. So ‘skanky’ women, are those you see as different from yourself. They might not be conventionally attractive. Drug-addled. Toothless. STI-ridden, or highly likely to be so. Yet he’s still banging them in front of you, or behind your back. Why, in God’s name, why?
Given that you have laid down the framework and had some nice sex, why would he seek this out when he could have you? Lovely you, who is happy to allow him his freedom to experiment and enjoy, to taste all the fine honey that life has to offer, without restraint? Why is he drinking ditchwater?
Why have sex with someone skanky?
That, my lovely lady libertines, is the kicker. One has to draw a conclusion: Either he has no discernment, or he sees you as the same as them. As a delightful friend of mine once said, when very new, and invited to a party by an attractive swinger man, (and she saw him having group sex with a bunch of women she assumed were coked-up inexpensive street prostitutes), ‘Why would he do that when he could be having sex with me?’
My response, not meant as harshly as it sounds, was, ‘his wife probably thinks the same about you.’
So perhaps that is it. Or perhaps there is something more. Maybe he does discern a difference. When a guy you are seeing gives you three STI scares in the space of months because he’s secretly had sex with women you knew were a high risk (and assumed he wouldn’t want to touch with a barge pole) and you’ve only found out after the fact, it implies he has a level of shame. So he can see the difference. So what is he doing?
Why be a fuckboy?
I’d like to think it was like some women, to an extent, and that it could be a self-esteem thing, but it could also just be laziness and ease of access. Like, to me, if I see a woman who is taking charge of her sexuality and what she enjoys I’m like, “go you!” because I don’t think she’s easy or judge her for it. But a guy sees that and thinks she’ll spread her legs for anyone and is horny and thinks its guaranteed with that girl so says ‘let’s meet for a drink or something’. A £5 glass of wine and he’s guaranteed a good night. And then if that doesn’t happen they get SUPER pissed off.
When I broke up with my ex-fiance I had an ‘any dick will do’ phase where I fucked anyone and everyone just because I could. And because I felt so shit about myself I used to boost my self-esteem for a moment. In my head, the reasonings could be kind of similar as well for guys maybe.
Kind of like ‘every hole is a goal,’ but only to plug a more personal hole, at least for a bit of time.
Miss Spartan Sub, 20’s
So it’s low self-esteem and laziness. Squalid sex as emotional anesthesia? Hmmm. A valid theory, for sure.
Sex is a basic human need, for both genders, but the motives of men who are promiscuous occur within a psychological barrier to be better than the other men. The more sexual partners a man, the more he will feel like a man.
Mr. J the Kinky
Purely a number game, devoid of meaning other than primal dominance over other men? How impersonal. Perhaps we should not take it personally then?
‘Any hole is a goal’… it is something I wish died off. The concept of it is alive and well with women too.
We’ve all had moments in time where we wished we shouldn’t have played or fucked someone, but did so anyway. We did for various reasons: coming out of a relationship, because we can and it’s easy, avoidance or something far more messy and complicated.
I have had a mindset of just going out there and getting everything I could. Over 6-8 days I slept with a lot of people…always protected, I at least had that going for me – not a complete savage.
Like I said, people do it for different reasons. Mine were relationship-based (you don’t need to know more than that). Not proud of it, but I did do it and understand the why’s, the what’s and the how’s behind it.
Mr. K with the abs, 20’s
Random sex as free post-breakup therapy? Short term, perhaps.
I think a guy (or girl for that matter) who is in the ‘any hole’s a goal’ mentality is either searching for something they can’t find within themselves or is in desperate need of a therapist.
I have been in that mindset before, usually while in a serious depressive episode, mind you. And it wasn’t about the sex even, it was about the distraction or for the one night when I didn’t have to be alone with my thoughts.
I’ve also come across men like that and I found them to be incredibly insecure, usually had some complex about their Mom (one once told me his Mom neglected him for about 10 years of his childhood).
Miss Juicy J, 20’s, confident liberated woman
Well, there you have it, back to Mummy. Rock on, Freud.
So what is actually the problem (apart from the secrecy, humiliation, and STIs) with a guy who doesn’t exercise discretion in his choice of casual sex partners? The problem is this: If we consider ourselves validated based on their approval and sexual attention, then they devalue us by giving it to others so willingly that we choose to look down on. We don’t feel ‘special’ and ‘different’ anymore. Our sense of personal value is revealed to be hierarchical and based on being placed above other women, in attractiveness, intelligence, class, and general desirability. We are demoted a step further from potential marriage material to just ‘warm sock’. My goodness, are we the same as those skanky women??
Our social hierarchy as alpha-female in the monkey troupe is shaken. That cuts deep. That’s hundreds of thousands of years of primal biology screaming at you to be angry and reinstate your dominance to survive. Who knew damaged boys with mummy issues could unleash such lasting wrath for acting out their insecurities?
So what can we do, with these snake in the grass fuckboys without a cause?
Perhaps this: Don’t place your sense of personal value on an arbitrary measure of validation from someone who doesn’t know what they are doing themselves.
Sounds harsh, sounds obvious. Yet I’ve still to see the Disney cartoon where Prince Charming can’t keep it in his pants once the princess comes along. You are worth more than this, my lovely lady libertines. If you place your fragile chalice of self-worth in the hands of a bumbling clown, expect it to get shattered. You may not trust yourself to carry it, you may long endlessly to surrender it to another – yet just because you are tired of its weight, you should not give it to a fool. Do not allow your empathy, your sympathy, and your wish to fix all the cracks in someone else who would then be ‘perfect’ for you, make you show them the shortcuts. Fuck boys like shortcuts. It’s why they are fuck boys.
Fuck boys are just for fucking.
To the people messaging me (and those about to do so) complaining that this is ‘about them’ or that I ‘made you look foolish’ I will say this: I’m merely an observer. How did you think you looked before?
Awesome blog xx
Thank you! Very much a collaboration x
Yes!!! I needed to read that – thank you x
We live in…interesting times x
I think that, to some extent, this attitude has always existed as one aspect of misogyny, however now, with the rise of the internet as an easy means to meet people, it is pervasive and worrying. I also believe it is about lack of self value, but it is also about lack of value for all humanity, and maybe a very strong dose of immaturity.
Beautifully written …
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