Unicorn interviews 6: The Poly Unicorn

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It will occur to most threesome-seeking couples after a while that obtaining a unicorn from scratch every time is a rather labour intensive and uncertain endeavour, however good at it you become.  If you meet a unicorn you like, would it not be better to keep her around?  Would it even, perhaps, be better to actively seek out a polyamorous unicorn right from the start, to love and cuddle and have that extra spicy excitement with from time to time?  Someone to bring into your relationship, a lovely extra addition to that which you already have?

Well, my baby ducklings, I have some bad news for you.  If you try to venture from swing to polyamory, and enter these forums/pages/sites with the intention of seeking out a female to share as a couple, you are in for a baptism of fire.  The cries of ‘unicorn hunter!’ suddenly sound like the most terrible derision.  The polys despise you, my darlings, and when I went on a forum and explained this post to ask for quotes, I had to spend a day defending my rationale to the best of my (somewhat extensive) linguistic ability, and ameliorating a whole lot of hurt feelings and vitriolic accusations.  Allow me to shield you from this a little, with some explanation.

Similarly to the kink scene, the poly scene has a lot of rules, a lot of lingo to learn, and a lot of literature to read before you even speak to anyone without causing offence.  Asking for clarification on anything will likely give you the response that it’s not anyone’s obligation to educate you.  Allow me to assist a little.

Unlike the swing scene, which is absolutely full of unicorn hunters, where that’s pretty normal and acceptable, the poly scene views you as naive sex tourists who are out to exploit vulnerable individuals and don’t really understand the nature of polyamory.  You are an outsider, boys and girls, come to hurt them.  There are a number of excellent references about exactly why this is, and why unicorn hunting in polyamory doesn’t work (couples privilege, male privilege, unbalanced power dynamics), and a lot of broken-hearted, former poly-unicorns littering the groups.  I’m not going to go over all this here: www.unicorns-r-us.com does an excellent job of helping you understand the issues, and why striding in with your swinger-size-nines to pick up a spare F for your couple is really not cool.  If your intention is sincere, these are issues you really need to understand before you even start trying.

Not to be disheartened, boys and girls.  After a year of searching, I actually have found a happy, poly unicorn to interview.  Truly, this must be the rarest of the rare.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the last of the unicorn interviews.

 

What would you like me to call you? 
Unicorn N. I’m 24, a single unicorn, pansexual, polyamorous.

 
What brought you to the scene?
Up until November 2017, I’d been in back-to back Vanilla (by which I mean, people who weren’t particularly sex-positive or sexually adventurous) long-term, monogamous relationships. No matter how much I loved someone, I always felt trapped by monogamy. I kept thinking, “I’ve got so much love to give. I can’t be the only person who thinks this way?” I found that I continually developed intense crushes on colleagues or new friends, then spend my time either fantasising about these people or chastising myself for never being able to just love one person at a time. It felt like a personality disorder: I was either swept in euphoria or crippled with guilt. Neither person was really me.

In my most recent relationship, I was engaged to a wonderful woman. Like, 6-months-away-from-walking-down-the-aisle engaged. One day all my doubts, the dreams I’d been shoving down to make room for “our” dreams… it all caught up to me. I called off the engagement. My partner moved out. Everyone asked how my new “freedom” was, but the truth is, I was completely devastated. I’d lost my family, my whole life did a 180 turn overnight. I had been comfortable, content. I had stability (something I did NOT grow up with), but now I knew that “content” just wasn’t good enough.

So, after a lot of crying, drinking and binge-watching sad movies, I got out there. For the first time, really since I was 16, I was single and I was scared shitless. But I had a LOT of things I wanted to try. The first: a threesome. Mainly because I’d watched ‘You Me Her’ and it had set something off in me. Polyamory just made sense to me. Even though the characters went through constant drama, it just looked like a beautiful kind of life to me. So I started researching ‘polyamorous dating’, ‘how to find a couple for threesomes,’ etc. I eventually signed up to Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid and (most importantly) Feeld. The latter advertises itself as a platform to meet singles and couples. Like most apps, it was hit and miss. But the majority of the people on there were exactly what I was looking for; local, sex-positive, open to new experiences.

 

How did your first MFF come to happen?

Once I had immersed myself in “alternative online dating”, I talked with dozens of couples. A lot of the time nothing came of it; either because they were into things I wasn’t, I became overwhelmed with the intensity of their interest in me, or I suspected there was no couple – just a horny guy looking to get nudes from me. 

The first couple I met, I’d spoken to for a few weeks. We had a group chat on kik and it was a good dynamic, everyone could see everything that was said, so there was no favouritism/jealousy/secrets. They were quirky and fun and we had a lot in common. They were the first couple to make me feel like an equal in their dynamic – however temporarily – they weren’t just looking for a toy for the woman to “experiment” with while the guy watched. There was real interest from everyone, for everyone. They finally came to visit me and we had an amazing night together. And that was it, I was hooked.

 

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?
Yeah, but only because it makes me feel special. Ha! 

 

What do you feel the difference between poly unicorning and swinger unicorning?In my opinion, poly relationships (however casual/serious) and swinging are totally different ball games. There should be no unicorn in a poly relationship. If your encounter is a one-time adventurous hookup, it’s not polyamorous. That’s a couple swinging with a unicorn. But the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Threesome hookups don’t equal poly, but that doesn’t make any long-term arrangements are automatically poly relationships. It’s all up to the individuals, how they identify themselves and their agreed boundaries.

 

How do you feel being the unicorn in an MFF differs from being the primary female?

Because I’m single, I’ve never really been the primary female. But I have watched playmates of mine have sex with others – and that felt very different from entering a threesome as the unicorn. As the unicorn, there’s little chance of feeling possessive or jealous. But it does open you up to encounters which can leave you feeling empty, shallow, used, lonely. So both sides are tricky and require lots of communication. 

 

What is your favourite dynamic?

Of all the dynamics I’ve experienced, my favourite is with a married couple I regularly see. I think of myself as their unicorn or playmate. They are completely monogamous and deeply in love, it’s incredibly sweet to see and intoxicating to be around.  I see them about once a month and we usually go for dinner and drinks before heading back to theirs. We play together and then all cuddle in their Super King bed.

It’s not poly, in my opinion, because they’re only committed to each other. And as wonderfully as they treat me, I’m on my own. I can’t play with either of them separately. They’re in it together and I’m on the outside of their relationship. But that works for us. They’re getting their needs met and I still get my freedom. 

After a few months, they chose to make me their only unicorn which was wonderful to be told; whatever they’d been searching for from a threesome, they’d found it in me. They give me hope for the kind of marriage I never believed was possible.

 

Do you prefer couples, women or single men?
I love them all – I have a particular soft spot for group play, but I still meet with single men and women and enjoy it.

 

Do you find there is a difference in the way the three groups approach you?

Absolutely! Single women hardly approach me – I think I give off more dominant vibes with women, so I’m often making the first move.

Men are all different – generally, men are quite forward with me, which I think has a lot to do with my very sex-positive, ball-busting demeanour. I don’t present myself as an ultra-feminine, sexually-repressed “lady-like” kind of woman. I’m direct, open and honest with my expectations and desires. That scares a lot of people off. Others find it refreshing. 

Couples are, more often than not, tentative in their approach. Especially if they’re new to it. Either because the woman is anxious to try sex with another woman, the man doesn’t want to overstep and scare the unicorn off OR piss off his Missus by being too keen on another woman. I feel for them, really. So I’m always open and patient, I let them ask me whatever they want and make sure no one feels pressure to do anything. 

 

What is the worst approach you’ve ever had?

In terms of threesomes – I haven’t had particularly awful experiences (touch wood), but I have had some awkward situations. I chatted with a guy for ages when I was first on the scene who lived in Bristol. I really fancied him and his girlfriend, but she was very nervous. Rather than do the noble thing and back off, I kept talking to him, hoping his gf would change her mind. He and I ended up very attached to each other and eventually I had to break off contact because I started to doubt his gf was as in the loop about all this as he’d made out. 

For me, I want to be equally attracted to both people. I won’t sleep with a couple just for the guy or the girl. And similarly, I need to know they both fancy me. 

I also prefer to sleep with women who’re genuinely interested in women, as opposed to just looking for FF play for the enjoyment of their man. Similarly, I like to make sure they’re doing this for the right reasons; “we’re in a rut and wanted to spice things up” – sets off alarms for me, you don’t need a unicorn, you need a therapist… “it’s something we’ve both always wanted and we’ve talked a lot about it and feel we’re ready” – *ding ding ding* We have a winner!

For anything more serious to blossom I’d have to have things in common with both people, we’d have to make each other laugh and there’d need to be a genuine spark from the get-go. 

 

Why do you think most polys despise ‘unicorn hunters’?
I guess it’s kind of impersonal? It’s objectifying to unicorns – like we’re all just cattle in a pen waiting to be chosen. But, I think you could say the same about a lot of labels within the sex and relationship sphere. At the end of the day, the labels help us find what we’re looking for without the awkward rejection of the Vanilla world. If I call myself a unicorn, couples know that I’m open to being approached. Which eliminates a lot of pointless conversations with people who aren’t looking for the same things as me. It’s the same as if I went out looking for a Dom. That doesn’t mean I’d choose just anyone – but it saves a hell of a lot of time spent scrolling through profiles.

 

What would be your ideal, fairytale scenario for your life? Your happy ending?

More and more I’m beginning to think that I’d love to be part of athrouple/triad or poly group. Where I live with multiple partners and we all play together/love each other. But I supposed I’d have to really experience it to know if it was my happy ending.

Failing that, if I had a committed monogamous partner, I’d want them to be someone I could play with in groups or we went to parties together. Basically I don’t think I could ever go back vanilla.

 

How do you feel single girls on the scene are perceived?

By the couples who “hunt” us, I’d have to say I’ve always felt thought of well. Any negativity I’ve suffered has usually come from within – my niggling insecurities, my depression creeping in from time to time. I think if you’re right for a couple and you click, they’re appreciative. Maybe that’s just the glow of my current situation talking, I’m sure some people have faced slut-shaming from this lifestyle. Personally, I think I’m too much of a loud-mouthed feminist for anyone to call me a slut to my face. I love my experiences and I own them, a lot of my friends are guys (who are jealous) or fellow sex-positive people. The only time I’ve been questioned was by a friend’s boyfriend. 

 

What advice would you give to a couple setting out to have their first MFF?

This applies to the question below too – if you’re in a couple, have your shit together before you bring someone else into the mix. Don’t go searching for a 3rd person to improve your relationship. Before you even think of pulling someone else into your dynamic, make sure you COMMUNICATE openly and honestly. I can’t stress that enough. You need to have talked about everything; what could go wrong/right? how will we deal with the unexpected? what do we want out of this? how far are we willing to go? what are our motives? Have these conversations multiple times and then Keep Having Them. Check in with each other. Check in with your unicorn. Check in with yourself. Juggling 3 human beings’ emotions, needs, hopes, fantasies, insecurities can be beautiful – but make no mistake, it’s hard work. Even if you’re under the impression it’s a casual one-time thing, be prepared to fall in love, be prepared to hate each other, be prepared to be disappointed, be prepared to have the time of your life. If you’re not ready for any/all of those possibilities, you’re not ready for this. Stick to the porn-fuelled fantasy in your head.

 

What advice would you give to a couple looking to set up a poly MFF?

Same as my advice above. Only difference is that you need to be prepared for the huge commitment that being a triad entails. PLUS, you’ll have to deal with either hiding your lifestyle or be okay with facing constant judgement and possible backlash in your professional life/upsetting family etc. Any alternative lifestyle is a big commitment and takes time, care and consideration. If you can’t give that, it’s probably not for you. Personally, I’m a dirty hippy at heart. Free love. More the merrier. All that jazz.

Getting your partner to agree to a threesome

There are quite a few pieces already written on this, but I’m going to try to break it down for you.  Assuming you are with a partner in some sort of exclusive arrangement, and have met them via the vanilla world, it can be a worrying issue to bring up.  If you are not exclusive, or met them via the swing or sex scene, you will likely be less concerned about how to discuss it.  As women tend to feel more secure in raising the issue of adding a spare F for sex, this will mostly be discussed from the male perspective.  This is not to say women are not the instigators:  In a large number of couples, it is the woman who spearheads the conversation and is the more active unicorn hunter.  These women just don’t really need advice on how to go about it.

There are a few different angles you need to consider, for which there may be trade-offs to negotiate:

What you want

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You may have an idea in your head about what it is you are looking for, but how well formed is it?  What are the main criteria?  Are you looking to explore new sexual adventures with your partner?  Tick a box off your sexual bucket list?  Have you always wanted a two-girl blowjob?  Do you fantasise about seeing your partner with another woman?  Are you wishing for an ongoing polyamorous relationship?  Do you just want an excuse to have sex with other people without getting in trouble?  If you can be honest with yourself first about what it is you are really hoping for, you can approach the endeavour with better clarity, and make choices about how and if to approach your partner.  It will also help when you come to look for a unicorn.

What your partner wants

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You may have an idea in your head about your partner’s sexual likes, adventurous nature and how secure they feel to explore with you, or allow you to explore.  This is not necessarily the whole picture.  Just as you have settled into a comfortable pattern with her, she has settled into one with you.  Disrupting the status quo can be scary, and if you are vague about your reasons or what you want, they may react with anger or sadness based on being made suddenly insecure or feeling less valued.  For this reason, it is worth finding out more about your partner’s thoughts before asserting your own.  This is not always a simple thing, as many women have a tendency to say what they think you want to hear, and are acutely aware that they will be judged much more harshly as a woman and categorised as a slut if they express anything beyond mono vanilla desires. You’ll need to pick your time and context for discussion well, and make sure it feels like a safe space for her to open up.  If your relationship is new, on rocky ground or you’ve made her feel less than adored so far, expect a fiery response.

What your relationship needs

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There are as many types of relationship as there are people.  Assuming a chance to play around on the swing scene is a lower priority to you than maintaining your current relationship, you need to set aside your own aspirations for a moment and examine what it is your relationship, as it stands, actually needs.  Do you spend adequate quality time together?  Do you have shared goals you are working towards?  How will swinging fit in with them?  Is doing this going to affect the way you view each other, and if so is it going to be positive or negative?  How can you protect what you already have?

What you need to capture a unicorn

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I’ve put this last, as it’s usually considered last.  Assuming all the other considerations go swimmingly, you may well find you have negotiated a situation in which you have reduced your potential unicorn pool to practically zero.  Though the wishes for yourself, your partner and your relationship may be the foremost considerations in your own mind, they are of no benefit or relevance to her.  It is at this point, you may find you have to go back to the drawing board, and establish whether what you have to offer her is really of any interest.  ‘A chance to play about with me and my missus for hot sex’ really isn’t going to cut it.  Oddly, your girlfriend, who may be really up for the notion of playing as the primary female, is likely to completely forget how she herself would have responded in the shoes of a single female to that same offer.  If you are looking for an ongoing relationship or friendship with an intended unicorn, treat her that way.  If you are looking to hunt her down for one off sex and show off your sexual prowess as a couple, you’re going to have to show her you are both really something special.

Having considered these angles, and formulated in your own mind whether this is something that could work for you, your partner, your relationship and indeed the reality of finding your spare F, you come to the point of deciding how best to go about the first steps.  There is nothing wrong with deciding not to proceed.  It’s not obligatory to have a threesome, now or ever.  In fact, if you are trying to do it for the wrong reasons, even if you succeed in ticking the box, it’s going to be a shambles.  For you, it may be best to remain a fantasy.  You and your partner may enjoy watching threesome porn, talking about what it would be like with each other, reading erotic fiction about it.  Nothing spoils a nice fantasy like a healthy dose of reality.  You’ve been warned.  You may be quite happy to use the concept as arousal material without ever doing it for real.  And that is okay.

So what methods can you use to raise the threesome question with your partner?

a) Extremely casually and indirectly

Talk about your individual sexual fantasies.  Play a couples card game with a truth or dare theme. Watch a documentary about swinging.  Read an article about it.  Discuss friends you know who swing (I guarantee you, you will have some who do, whether or not you realise it).  Ask her opinion on it.  Don’t let your fear of how she might respond come across as a negative attitude to it, or she will follow your lead and say what she thinks you expect her to.  Discuss it as an interesting social phenomenon.  The history of monogamy and multiple partners.  The difference between sex and love.  The nature of bisexuality in women.  Is it something she has ever experienced?  Thought about?  You are going to have to take cues from how she responds to direct your angle appropriately. It may be better to bring it up again at another time, or drop it for good.  If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider what it is you value more at present.   If she is honest, avoid being resentful.  After all, you asked her opinion.  She may have not considered it before, or thought you wouldn’t be interested.  She may take some time and change her mind in the future, if she has an idea that it’s something you might have a casual, non-threatening interest in trying.  After all, if a woman loves you, she wants to do things for you to make you happy.

b) Straight up and direct

It may be that you have a very open, honest dynamic already, or that you are very much used to taking the lead in your relationship, including sexually.  If this is the case, you are going to have a relatively easy time in directing her to what you are hoping to try next. In some ways, this can be quite freeing for the woman- she is spared any sense that she will be judged for what she does- after all, it was all your idea.  In this format, be careful to be specific about what it is you do and don’t want.  For example, you may say you don’t want her to have sex with any other men (limiting your own frolics with full-swap couples too) or that you want to take her to a sex party and just be together with each other, in a sexy environment.  If you are clear about the limits of what you want at the moment, it will be less worrying for her.  Most women have at least a small element of jealousy and insecurity inside them, that you don’t want to trigger.  It is not unknown for men to go off with a unicorn they shared with their partner and start a new relationship. She will intuitively be aware of this.  If you start out with something simple and non-threatening, you can always discuss going further another time, after you have both had a little experience of the scene and opportunity to process your feelings about it.

c) Make it about her

This really isn’t going to work unless she has at least a little bit of sexual curiosity and some latent bisexual leanings.  It’s a tad manipulative, and if your girlfriend isn’t game for it in herself, it’s going to backfire.  In this mode, you present yourself as really wanting to go further to please her.  To worship her sexually.  To help her fulfil her own fantasies.  Be warned, she may end up wanting something you didn’t intend, like a cuckold situation or a threesome with 2 men.  If this is the case, there’s not much you can do about it.  Pandora’s box is open, and you asked for it.  Whatever you do, don’t try to mix this approach with approach D, or it will come off as horribly insincere and she will think you are a manipulative, lying dickhead.

d) Play her

If you have a relationship where your woman is a bit insecure, you can use this to your advantage.  I’m not recommending this method because:

i) You need to work on your relationship first, and swinging will likely break it apart

ii) She’s likely to go along with it without wanting to, which will cause her pain, and the unicorns will sense her reticence, which will put them off

iii) There’s enough sociopathic behaviour on the scene already.

iv) There’s potential for drama creation when it comes to the meet/party, and I hate drama.

Nonetheless, here’s how you do it.  You use a little reverse psychology.  Bring up the issue of threesomes and how sexually hot it is, but that’s okay that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s a ‘nice girl’.  It’s a shame you won’t get to have one while you’re with her, but that’s OKAY, as she has some other qualities.  Like being a good cook.  Being organised.  It’s OKAY that you guys will never be Bonnie and Clyde, out hunting women together and having that fun, exciting sexual connection together.  Sometimes you have to trade off having fun sex for a relaxing home life.

Obviously, she will immediately object to being cast as a matronly, non-sexual archetype, and seek to prove you wrong- that she can, indeed, be all the things you want and more. Because that, my baby ducklings, is what women do.  They want to be your everything. Your friend, your hot lover, your solace, your domestic Goddess.  They want you to be all things to them as well.  Basically, she will do it in order to prove herself, and because she doesn’t want to lose you.  Longer term, this will actually probably lead you to lose all respect for her and go elsewhere anyway, but this isn’t a tutorial on relationships.

Other options

If you really don’t feel like you can raise the issue any of these ways, or you do it and your partner is not up for it, you need to consider how important achieving a threesome is to you.  If it really is do or die, then you are going to have to do one of the following:

a) Cheat.

Yup.  Of the many ‘single guys’ on the scene, a lot of them are playing without permission.  If this seems a step to far and your missus is understanding but not remotely bi, then you may be able to get her to agree to giving you a hall pass.  This might be for a week or month, or indefinitely.  There are likely to be conditions attached to it, as to what you may and may not do without her.  If you violate these terms, it really is just the same as cheating (in her eyes), so be careful to what you agree to and make sure it’s realistic.  By imposing terms, it allows her to feel a sense of control about what is happening, and compartmentalise it.  If you violate the terms, she will feel not only cheated on, but that you broke the rules WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO SO. Somehow, that is actually worse.

b) Break up

If your sexual tastes are really so very different, then you need to consider that this is an aspect of incompatibility that is unlikely to change, however well suited you might feel you are otherwise.  If anything, the sex will get worse and more boring.  It always does. Breaking up because you want to explore your sexuality does not make you a dickhead. It is a fair and legitimate reason, whatever people might say.  Some journeys, you can take together.  Some, you really can’t.  If you really want to swing with a partner, go on the scene as a single guy and choose a woman who swings.  There are loads of them, most of whom are seeking a long term partner they can swing with, but are happy to ‘try before they buy’.  Short term partnerships can be fun too, and just as intense as anything you’ve encountered in the vanilla world.  Swinging as a single guy is, in many ways, easier than as a couple, provided you make some single female friends.  Treat them nicely and they will be the gatekeeper to a world of adventures for you.  Piss them off and you’ll struggle.  The unicorns are not solitary creatures; when you meet one, you meet a whole hive of connections.  Bear this in mind.

At the end of the day, you are in the best place to judge how your partner will respond, and what method will work with her.  There is no point resenting her or trying to pressure her into something if it’s not what she wants.  How would you feel if she was trying to pressure you into sex with another man?  Having said that, a great number of women are at least slightly bicurious, and may be happy to say, kiss another woman and stroke her breasts in front of you.  For some reason, a lot of women imagine that performing oral on another woman will be disgusting.  Fortunately, with very few exceptions, it tastes like chicken, and a darn sight better than the taste of cock.  Women are also generally quite understanding that men have a biological drive to conquer and spread their seed – to have sex with different types of women.  No woman believes she can be all of them for you, though she might wish to.  Generally, women are just happy to know that you like her the best, above and beyond all others.  That you find her hot, above and beyond all others.  That she has a special sacrosanct place somewhere in your heart.  They relish the opportunity to fill a new role with you, as your partner in crime having secret sexual adventures together, and being this amazingly fun, sexual being for you.  Your reticence isn’t that you are asking for something unreasonable- it is your fear of asking wrong and upsetting her, or your fear that you are, in at least some small part, doing it just to get guilt-free sex with other women.  The more you can consider things from her perspective and present it as a joint enterprise for you both to enjoy, the better it will go down.  And going down well is always a fine thing indeed. 😉

Time for that chat, Baby Ducklings xx