Unicorn interviews 6: The Poly Unicorn

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It will occur to most threesome-seeking couples after a while that obtaining a unicorn from scratch every time is a rather labour intensive and uncertain endeavour, however good at it you become.  If you meet a unicorn you like, would it not be better to keep her around?  Would it even, perhaps, be better to actively seek out a polyamorous unicorn right from the start, to love and cuddle and have that extra spicy excitement with from time to time?  Someone to bring into your relationship, a lovely extra addition to that which you already have?

Well, my baby ducklings, I have some bad news for you.  If you try to venture from swing to polyamory, and enter these forums/pages/sites with the intention of seeking out a female to share as a couple, you are in for a baptism of fire.  The cries of ‘unicorn hunter!’ suddenly sound like the most terrible derision.  The polys despise you, my darlings, and when I went on a forum and explained this post to ask for quotes, I had to spend a day defending my rationale to the best of my (somewhat extensive) linguistic ability, and ameliorating a whole lot of hurt feelings and vitriolic accusations.  Allow me to shield you from this a little, with some explanation.

Similarly to the kink scene, the poly scene has a lot of rules, a lot of lingo to learn, and a lot of literature to read before you even speak to anyone without causing offence.  Asking for clarification on anything will likely give you the response that it’s not anyone’s obligation to educate you.  Allow me to assist a little.

Unlike the swing scene, which is absolutely full of unicorn hunters, where that’s pretty normal and acceptable, the poly scene views you as naive sex tourists who are out to exploit vulnerable individuals and don’t really understand the nature of polyamory.  You are an outsider, boys and girls, come to hurt them.  There are a number of excellent references about exactly why this is, and why unicorn hunting in polyamory doesn’t work (couples privilege, male privilege, unbalanced power dynamics), and a lot of broken-hearted, former poly-unicorns littering the groups.  I’m not going to go over all this here: www.unicorns-r-us.com does an excellent job of helping you understand the issues, and why striding in with your swinger-size-nines to pick up a spare F for your couple is really not cool.  If your intention is sincere, these are issues you really need to understand before you even start trying.

Not to be disheartened, boys and girls.  After a year of searching, I actually have found a happy, poly unicorn to interview.  Truly, this must be the rarest of the rare.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the last of the unicorn interviews.

 

What would you like me to call you? 
Unicorn N. I’m 24, a single unicorn, pansexual, polyamorous.

 
What brought you to the scene?
Up until November 2017, I’d been in back-to back Vanilla (by which I mean, people who weren’t particularly sex-positive or sexually adventurous) long-term, monogamous relationships. No matter how much I loved someone, I always felt trapped by monogamy. I kept thinking, “I’ve got so much love to give. I can’t be the only person who thinks this way?” I found that I continually developed intense crushes on colleagues or new friends, then spend my time either fantasising about these people or chastising myself for never being able to just love one person at a time. It felt like a personality disorder: I was either swept in euphoria or crippled with guilt. Neither person was really me.

In my most recent relationship, I was engaged to a wonderful woman. Like, 6-months-away-from-walking-down-the-aisle engaged. One day all my doubts, the dreams I’d been shoving down to make room for “our” dreams… it all caught up to me. I called off the engagement. My partner moved out. Everyone asked how my new “freedom” was, but the truth is, I was completely devastated. I’d lost my family, my whole life did a 180 turn overnight. I had been comfortable, content. I had stability (something I did NOT grow up with), but now I knew that “content” just wasn’t good enough.

So, after a lot of crying, drinking and binge-watching sad movies, I got out there. For the first time, really since I was 16, I was single and I was scared shitless. But I had a LOT of things I wanted to try. The first: a threesome. Mainly because I’d watched ‘You Me Her’ and it had set something off in me. Polyamory just made sense to me. Even though the characters went through constant drama, it just looked like a beautiful kind of life to me. So I started researching ‘polyamorous dating’, ‘how to find a couple for threesomes,’ etc. I eventually signed up to Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid and (most importantly) Feeld. The latter advertises itself as a platform to meet singles and couples. Like most apps, it was hit and miss. But the majority of the people on there were exactly what I was looking for; local, sex-positive, open to new experiences.

 

How did your first MFF come to happen?

Once I had immersed myself in “alternative online dating”, I talked with dozens of couples. A lot of the time nothing came of it; either because they were into things I wasn’t, I became overwhelmed with the intensity of their interest in me, or I suspected there was no couple – just a horny guy looking to get nudes from me. 

The first couple I met, I’d spoken to for a few weeks. We had a group chat on kik and it was a good dynamic, everyone could see everything that was said, so there was no favouritism/jealousy/secrets. They were quirky and fun and we had a lot in common. They were the first couple to make me feel like an equal in their dynamic – however temporarily – they weren’t just looking for a toy for the woman to “experiment” with while the guy watched. There was real interest from everyone, for everyone. They finally came to visit me and we had an amazing night together. And that was it, I was hooked.

 

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?
Yeah, but only because it makes me feel special. Ha! 

 

What do you feel the difference between poly unicorning and swinger unicorning?In my opinion, poly relationships (however casual/serious) and swinging are totally different ball games. There should be no unicorn in a poly relationship. If your encounter is a one-time adventurous hookup, it’s not polyamorous. That’s a couple swinging with a unicorn. But the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Threesome hookups don’t equal poly, but that doesn’t make any long-term arrangements are automatically poly relationships. It’s all up to the individuals, how they identify themselves and their agreed boundaries.

 

How do you feel being the unicorn in an MFF differs from being the primary female?

Because I’m single, I’ve never really been the primary female. But I have watched playmates of mine have sex with others – and that felt very different from entering a threesome as the unicorn. As the unicorn, there’s little chance of feeling possessive or jealous. But it does open you up to encounters which can leave you feeling empty, shallow, used, lonely. So both sides are tricky and require lots of communication. 

 

What is your favourite dynamic?

Of all the dynamics I’ve experienced, my favourite is with a married couple I regularly see. I think of myself as their unicorn or playmate. They are completely monogamous and deeply in love, it’s incredibly sweet to see and intoxicating to be around.  I see them about once a month and we usually go for dinner and drinks before heading back to theirs. We play together and then all cuddle in their Super King bed.

It’s not poly, in my opinion, because they’re only committed to each other. And as wonderfully as they treat me, I’m on my own. I can’t play with either of them separately. They’re in it together and I’m on the outside of their relationship. But that works for us. They’re getting their needs met and I still get my freedom. 

After a few months, they chose to make me their only unicorn which was wonderful to be told; whatever they’d been searching for from a threesome, they’d found it in me. They give me hope for the kind of marriage I never believed was possible.

 

Do you prefer couples, women or single men?
I love them all – I have a particular soft spot for group play, but I still meet with single men and women and enjoy it.

 

Do you find there is a difference in the way the three groups approach you?

Absolutely! Single women hardly approach me – I think I give off more dominant vibes with women, so I’m often making the first move.

Men are all different – generally, men are quite forward with me, which I think has a lot to do with my very sex-positive, ball-busting demeanour. I don’t present myself as an ultra-feminine, sexually-repressed “lady-like” kind of woman. I’m direct, open and honest with my expectations and desires. That scares a lot of people off. Others find it refreshing. 

Couples are, more often than not, tentative in their approach. Especially if they’re new to it. Either because the woman is anxious to try sex with another woman, the man doesn’t want to overstep and scare the unicorn off OR piss off his Missus by being too keen on another woman. I feel for them, really. So I’m always open and patient, I let them ask me whatever they want and make sure no one feels pressure to do anything. 

 

What is the worst approach you’ve ever had?

In terms of threesomes – I haven’t had particularly awful experiences (touch wood), but I have had some awkward situations. I chatted with a guy for ages when I was first on the scene who lived in Bristol. I really fancied him and his girlfriend, but she was very nervous. Rather than do the noble thing and back off, I kept talking to him, hoping his gf would change her mind. He and I ended up very attached to each other and eventually I had to break off contact because I started to doubt his gf was as in the loop about all this as he’d made out. 

For me, I want to be equally attracted to both people. I won’t sleep with a couple just for the guy or the girl. And similarly, I need to know they both fancy me. 

I also prefer to sleep with women who’re genuinely interested in women, as opposed to just looking for FF play for the enjoyment of their man. Similarly, I like to make sure they’re doing this for the right reasons; “we’re in a rut and wanted to spice things up” – sets off alarms for me, you don’t need a unicorn, you need a therapist… “it’s something we’ve both always wanted and we’ve talked a lot about it and feel we’re ready” – *ding ding ding* We have a winner!

For anything more serious to blossom I’d have to have things in common with both people, we’d have to make each other laugh and there’d need to be a genuine spark from the get-go. 

 

Why do you think most polys despise ‘unicorn hunters’?
I guess it’s kind of impersonal? It’s objectifying to unicorns – like we’re all just cattle in a pen waiting to be chosen. But, I think you could say the same about a lot of labels within the sex and relationship sphere. At the end of the day, the labels help us find what we’re looking for without the awkward rejection of the Vanilla world. If I call myself a unicorn, couples know that I’m open to being approached. Which eliminates a lot of pointless conversations with people who aren’t looking for the same things as me. It’s the same as if I went out looking for a Dom. That doesn’t mean I’d choose just anyone – but it saves a hell of a lot of time spent scrolling through profiles.

 

What would be your ideal, fairytale scenario for your life? Your happy ending?

More and more I’m beginning to think that I’d love to be part of athrouple/triad or poly group. Where I live with multiple partners and we all play together/love each other. But I supposed I’d have to really experience it to know if it was my happy ending.

Failing that, if I had a committed monogamous partner, I’d want them to be someone I could play with in groups or we went to parties together. Basically I don’t think I could ever go back vanilla.

 

How do you feel single girls on the scene are perceived?

By the couples who “hunt” us, I’d have to say I’ve always felt thought of well. Any negativity I’ve suffered has usually come from within – my niggling insecurities, my depression creeping in from time to time. I think if you’re right for a couple and you click, they’re appreciative. Maybe that’s just the glow of my current situation talking, I’m sure some people have faced slut-shaming from this lifestyle. Personally, I think I’m too much of a loud-mouthed feminist for anyone to call me a slut to my face. I love my experiences and I own them, a lot of my friends are guys (who are jealous) or fellow sex-positive people. The only time I’ve been questioned was by a friend’s boyfriend. 

 

What advice would you give to a couple setting out to have their first MFF?

This applies to the question below too – if you’re in a couple, have your shit together before you bring someone else into the mix. Don’t go searching for a 3rd person to improve your relationship. Before you even think of pulling someone else into your dynamic, make sure you COMMUNICATE openly and honestly. I can’t stress that enough. You need to have talked about everything; what could go wrong/right? how will we deal with the unexpected? what do we want out of this? how far are we willing to go? what are our motives? Have these conversations multiple times and then Keep Having Them. Check in with each other. Check in with your unicorn. Check in with yourself. Juggling 3 human beings’ emotions, needs, hopes, fantasies, insecurities can be beautiful – but make no mistake, it’s hard work. Even if you’re under the impression it’s a casual one-time thing, be prepared to fall in love, be prepared to hate each other, be prepared to be disappointed, be prepared to have the time of your life. If you’re not ready for any/all of those possibilities, you’re not ready for this. Stick to the porn-fuelled fantasy in your head.

 

What advice would you give to a couple looking to set up a poly MFF?

Same as my advice above. Only difference is that you need to be prepared for the huge commitment that being a triad entails. PLUS, you’ll have to deal with either hiding your lifestyle or be okay with facing constant judgement and possible backlash in your professional life/upsetting family etc. Any alternative lifestyle is a big commitment and takes time, care and consideration. If you can’t give that, it’s probably not for you. Personally, I’m a dirty hippy at heart. Free love. More the merrier. All that jazz.

Metamorphosis isn’t just for unicorns

The reason we actually even started to think about expanding on our sexual experiences was somewhat random.  I was out with a gay friend in heaven and I got approached by a woman.  While flattered, I was too embarrassed and decided to decline, but it made me think a lot.  We spoke about the experience and discussed whether we would like to try a mff- we decided to give it a go but I think our attitude was more that we wanted to have an experience and didn’t really consider the other person.  I think we were probably very selfish.

We began to look on things like Craig’s List and a few other websites but got nowhere until we stumbled across KK.  We began to try and message women, but again I remember it was all about us looking for someone to fulfil our fantasy, rather than a meeting of equals…which obviously is just horrible.  I think what really made us realise what this is all about was ultimately meeting people and understanding that it is about building a relationship with someone, understanding what each person wants from the experience and then deciding if there is a mutual need.  I think that is very similar when you are single, or part of a couple or a threesome.  We can all be selfish but ultimately when you realise the needs of others then the whole experience is much more fulfilling.

The thought process has completely changed how we interacted with people, be it at a party, messages or in meetings, and has allowed us to build much stronger connections, which on occasion has led to really amazing meetings.  When we speak to women, often we hear that couples are just interested in their fantasy (which was where we started out), which is not fair on her.  She is there for her fantasy too.  Being open about this has lead to many interesting conversations with people.

Ultimately, meeting women who are interested in couples is tough, but then meeting anyone who you click with is tough.  Having a very strong appreciation of her, and not thinking of her just as a fantasy for your relationship, is really what is important in ultimately meeting and finding someone.  We just now speak to people, find about about them and then see if it goes anywhere.  I would say that most still go nowhere, but then we are happy with that as we probably wouldn’t have connected.

Female half of Nolan No.9, 20’s, Couple with over 1 year’s experience

 

Just as unicorns unknowingly embark on a journey of transformation throughout their time, so too do couples.  Nobody who makes the conscious decision to set out and create a MFF with their partner for the first time does so with an exact understanding of how best to achieve it.  In any situation of social uncertainty, it is easiest to retreat to that which we know well and are comfortable with.  We focus on our desires, the feelings of our partner about things, we dwell on the aspects we enjoy and feel supported with, and shy away from difficult terrain.

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We sit there and scroll through single girl pictures together and window shop.  We write a couples’ profile together, where we take turns to talk about how much we love and value each other.  How special our partner is.  How hot we find them.  How we definitely, definitely, don’t want to risk that.  Just so people know.  So they are warned.  So our partner feels safe.  We talk together about our limits, and hopes, and boundaries, and code words, and vetoes.  We are definitely working as a team.  And what a fun, sexy hobby we have together!  Bonnie and Clyde! We aren’t having much luck for some reason, when we try to pin the girls down to meet us, but hey, that’s just the way it is and we are having fun while reassuring each other.  This is phase one.  Many people never get beyond this.  They give up and find a different hobby, or worse yet trudge on the same way forever, because they aren’t prepared to step out of their comfort zone.

To move forward, as with any new activity you are trying, you need to accept that whatever handy skills you have in other areas, you aren’t a born black-belt at this. Nobody is.  From the learned pick-up artist to the natural charmer, you will have to find a way to open your mind and grow your skill-set a little.  You need to be ready to go on a journey too.  It’s not a ‘decide/goal-achieved’ endeavour, much as porn may tell you otherwise.  You can’t just pick up your ideal unicorn at a shop, tick a box and move on, feeling like a champion.  Odds are, that to achieve it at all, you are going to have to be prepared to learn how to do it right.  It’s going to take not just time, but letting down some defences about how you view yourself, and the willingness to risk trying things a new way.

Assuming that your unicorn hunting quest isn’t a fleeting idea, and that you and your partner trust each other, this can be as much of a bonding experience as the act of attending a party together or picking up a girl itself.  You are going to work on each other’s skills, and allow each other to experiment and grow.  Not just sexually, but by opening your minds to switch your point of view, from that of what you want to get, to showing that which you have to give.

If you are both good looking, fit, a good height, intelligent, charming and outgoing, these are characteristics that will certainly work in your favour, however alone they are never going to be enough.  In addition to everything you ever thought you knew about finding sex as a single person, you are going to have to learn how to alter your modus operandi, probably in effect since you were a teenager, to understand all the additional factors and dynamics that come into play when you are seeking casual sex with a unicorn.  Basically, you need to understand all the aspects that can put her off.  Let’s break these down.

  1. Physical – simplest one ever.  Either you or your partner are not her type.  It’s a one off, she’s not likely to get any of the benefits of your other fine qualities.  She’s got a lot of choice.  Do your best with looks but don’t sweat it too much.  Not everyone is always equally sexually attracted to each other.
  2. Hassle factor– Consider what you are asking of her in order to meet.  Is she going to have to travel far, have a back up hotel room in case you don’t gel? Is she going to want to have to pay out for that (in addition to all the waxing, new knickers and standard lady prep?) Are you offering her a nice event to look forward to, or is she viewing this as another thing to have to fit in to her cluttered schedule?  Are you making it an all or nothing sex meet, or is there a low key social meet you could do first?  You probably wouldn’t expect a single woman to meet you one-on-one and have sex straight away.   That’s a lot of pressure. Is there an easy-out for her if she doesn’t feel the vibe or decides to be friends?
  3. The dynamic between you and your partner – This is always going to be a tricky one.  You have a natural day to day dynamic, you are comfortable with your partner and that’s always going to be a safe place for you to hide in when you feel nervous.   You also want to reassure your partner and check they are okay at all times. If you stick together like glue, won’t stop holding hands, or basically carry on in a way that says you are such a tight unit that all others are excluded, then your vibe will put your unicorn off very quickly.  Sitting or standing together in your pair without interacting with others, working together too tightly on text chats or making constant references to yourself as a unit (aren’t you still individuals?) are unconscious moves that you see all the time in newbie swing couples.  You need to stop it.  If you use nothing else from this, use this.
  4. You/your partner isn’t holding up his/her end – If you are fortunate enough to have gained the preliminary interest of a unicorn, she is considering having an experience with both of you.  If not, your MFF won’t be happening.  It is not acceptable for one of your pair to do all the talking and flirting, even if there is a difference in your social skills or levels of experience.  If it’s just one of you, the unicorn will get the impression that the chatty one is the driving force, and the other is just along for the (unwilling) ride.  Why would she think this?  Because it’s very often the case.  More often than not, especially with inexperienced couples, one is clearly doing it to please the other.  Whatever they may say, there is sadness in their eyes and dryness in their underwear.   They are clearly taking part as a prisoner of their own psychological needs, not their sexual ones.  It’s not nice for anybody, and a unicorn with even a small level of experience will walk away if she gets a hint of it.  Work as individuals to chat and flirt, so she knows you both want her.  Put all your focus on her, until you’ve completed your mission.  You can debrief with your partner tomorrow, whatever the result- this is your only chance to win your unicorn.
  5. You aren’t impressing your value on her – On the internet, there is a theoretical infinite number of couples she could choose from, over time.  At a party, you will still not have the advantage of being the rare part of the threesome to acquire; however it is reasonable to assume that she has come there in the hope of having fun sex with somebody before the night is out.  This means you have to demonstrate yourselves as her best choice (or perhaps top three, depending on her appetites).  Show up well dressed and full of energy, life and soul of the party.  Chat to all the couples, the staff, laugh, dance, really put your best foot forward and shine in the crowd.  Do it right from the start, first impressions count.  If your unicorn has met you privately, go full charm offensive and make sure she has the best night ever.
  6. You aren’t closing the deal – I always found this to be the trickiest part, probably because as a woman it’s not something you often have to do in the mono vanilla world.  If you find the chat drifting back to small talk, then up the flirting.  Initiate body contact (not groping!), express in your body language that you are sexual animals. A nice move is if you both initiate soft foreplay-style stroking and kissing, both focusing all your attention on your unicorn.  This leaves little doubt that you are both ready to go and happy to participate fully.  Don’t expect your unicorn to close the deal for you- but should it happen, feel free to jump at the chance.
  7. You are shoe-boxing her – Your unicorn wants to be seen, appreciated and respected for the individual she is. Don’t tell her what to wear, what she’s supposed to do that you’ve decided on together (if you have rules about something specific you don’t want, by all means discuss it with her, but this isn’t a business contract). She isn’t there to enact your precise fantasy or do what you say, she is there to enjoy the moment, as should you both be.  Surrender of control to sensation is all part of the heady mix that makes MFF so wonderful.  If you are dead set on an extremely specific set of actions and rules, it is better to hire an escort.

The more you practice different approaches and techniques, and the more you analyse what did and didn’t work with your partner afterwards, the faster your skills will progress and the more successful you will be.  By socialising with everyone on the scene, rather than just your unicorn targets, you also get to build a network of like-minded friends.  While you may not want to have sex with them, this is an excellent way to have friendly faces to chat to at the next event, boosting your confidence, and earning you invitations to private events.  The more at home you become, the better your game will be.  The more you can filter out distractions and anxieties caused by unfamiliar context, the more you can focus in on the fine details that make the crucial difference.  You can hone your skills, experiment with technique and evaluate your progress with a sharp eye.  Suddenly, you are not baby ducklings at this any more.  You know some things.  You can look back and see how far you’ve come since you took your first steps out of your initial mindset.  Your journey is well underway.

man in brown long sleeved button up shirt standing while using gray laptop computer on brown wooden table beside woman in gray long sleeved shirt sitting

Unicorn interviews 4

Naughty Naturist, over 40, predatory unicorn

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?

Suppose so.

How did your first experience with a couple come to happen?

I have actually never done a couple.  Maybe I don’t count as a unicorn?

Please describe what you enjoy doing.

I like group sex.  Especially when there are more guys than girls.  Best scenario- 3 guys, me and one other girl, or me and 2-3 guys

How do you select which groups to join, or how do you select who to include in yours?

Watch them- see what they are doing and see if it turns me on.  If the action is hot then I’m tempted.  I particularly like a nice hard cock.  Often they are not hard at parties.

How would you approach someone you were keen to play with?

Sometimes just move closer and use body language until they invite me- or sometimes just ask directly.

How do you like to be approached?

Eye contact, beckoned over or directly asked.  I wouldn’t agree until I saw them in action; I don’t do pre-arranged, as I only know if there will be chemistry when I see it.

Apart from a hard cock, what would make you select somebody you saw?

Decent body, energy, passion – like they are really into it and not just playing about or showing off.  Girls often fake enjoyment.  Guys too.

If a guy has come to an event as a single, how could he win your attention?  Would he need to be having sex with another girl first?

I don’t like surprises so I’d like to see the action first ideally.  Although I have made exceptions now and again for particularly attractive men.

Have you ever had a man or couple decline when you asked to join?

Once I think- a guy said no because his wife didn’t agree to me having him.  That’s the only time I can remember.  Probably because I only wanted him, not her.

You said you don’t do couples, but you do at parties, is that right?

I haven’t ever.  Only singles in groups.

Um.  I’ve seen you.

Who?

At KK – the 18 year olds.  He fired cum all over you.

Oh yes! Forgot about them.  And that posh couple at TK.

Plus that hipster and his girlfriend, where you kept talking about (removed) until he went soft.

Oh yeah, haha.  OK with couples they need to both be relaxed and totally open.  And equally hot.  There’s often a disparity – hot woman with not so hot guy.

Why do you think that is?

Dunno Really.  Fewer attractive men around?  Women care less about looks?

Do you usually play with both of a couple or just the man?

Depends.  With the posh couple I went down on her while he fucked me, then I gave him a BJ while she played with me.

What are the worst approaches you’ve had?

Uninvited touching/grabbing.  Just because I’m naked, doesn’t mean you can touch me.  And just because I’m at a sex party, doesn’t mean I want to fuck you.  Cheesy chat up lines are equally horrible- too many OTT compliments are a turn off.

What is it about group sex that you really enjoy?

The variety, the chemistry, bodies moving together, giving and getting pleasure.  Exciting visual stimulation, too.

How do you think other women feel about you?

Well, hmm.  I have been called a ‘boner stealer’. Ha ha.  I do aim to get what I want, so I guess some see me as quite selfish.

Do you see yourself as more predator than prey?

Yep.  I want it my way or it’s no way.

Would you advise ‘unicorning’ to other women?

Only if they are in it 100% for their own pleasure and sexual development – not as a stop gap until they find a real boyfriend, and definitely not if they think they will find a partner on the scene.

Do you find it empowering?

Absolutely.  I’m in it for me- totally.

What do you feel you have learned since you first started?  How has your view changed?

Blimey, loads.  My view of men has changed a lot.  Most of the guys I’ve had sex with at parties are totally respectful and willing to please – they get that women are in control here.  I did think there would be a lot of sleazy guys who couldn’t get sex anywhere else, but that’s not true.  Most just want hot sex with willing partners.  They often can’t find women who will be adventurous outside of the scene.

What do you imagine as your fairytale ending?

There are no fairytale endings.  What would anyone want to end up stuck up in a castle with a prince for?

Do you think any woman would be justified in being fearful for her relationship if she and/or her partner had sex with you?

Not if it was at a party or event – it’s a safe space for exploring.  I’ve heard of some guys in couples seeing women privately – I wouldn’t do that.  I go to parties looking for fun and hot sex – not a husband.

Please tell me a story of a really fun experience you’ve had.

I went to Cap D’Ague and had amazing fun at a pool party.  Three hot guys sitting on the edge of the pool- I swam over and started sucking him.  The other two join in, one fucking me from behind. Then I suck each of the other two in turn.  Had loads of exciting experiences at Cap.  Ended up with a girl joining in too and we had a session on the sunbeds.

What events and venues do you feel would be most suitable for single guys or couples looking to try their first MFF?

KK (Killing Kittens).  Comfortable environment, usually friendly people and the staff are really helpful too.  Usually a few new people too.

What advice would you give to anyone looking to explore sexually with MFF and/or group sex?

Go to parties, then you will meet people to connect with.  Be friendly with everyone- it’s not just about sex.

Do you feel that there are any myths about sex parties?  What have you found to be untrue?

Not everyone will want to have sex with you.  The women are not free whores.

Do you ever worry about meeting someone from your outside life on the scene?

No, because if they were there then we are both doing the same thing so what’s the issue?

Do you feel sex parties and swinging fit in with feminist ideals?

Totally.  It’s about what I want to do on equal terms with men.  I feel sexually equal at sex parties – I don’t have to pretend to be the stereotype of a girl who is ‘hard to get’ or is ‘prey’ for a man.

Do you think you are perceived differently from ‘vanilla’ women?

Yes- I think men on the scene would not consider me as a girlfriend as I am too equal sexually.  Men don’t want that in a partner usually.  There is a double standard, that’s for sure.  Guys are ‘meant’ to explore and want sex with more than one woman at a time.  It’s not seen as ‘usual’ for women to enjoy group sex with more than one guy.

If a man were to take a shine to you, what would it take for him to tie you down?

Rope.

Ha ha.

I don’t tend to see any of the guys I have sex with at parties outside of parties, so the opportunity to get to know them or ‘fall for them’ never arises.

Any final words of advice for those new to the scene?

Just relax and see what happens.  You’ll soon see what sort of things you’re attracted to. And if not, you’ve lost nothing.

 

 

 

 

* image by @joannathangiah

Unicorn interviews 3

Rah, 46, single girlie

How did your first mff come about?
In my early 20s when I rang a number for a girl looking for a girl which was in The Times newspaper! I was living in Hammersmith at the time – we met, instantly liked each other and pretty much hung out as much as we could. Fairly innocent fun, kissing and stroking on club dance floors and drew attention to ourselves, while having a lot of fun. Our first MFF was with a male friend of mine who lived in Chelsea, your typical Sloane climbing the ranks!! I think Max (her pseudonym)  and I would have been happy to just play together but he added a new dynamic to our close bond for a night! We went home with him after a night out drinking and dancing. We continued to have twosome and threesome fun when we felt the urge. My next MFF was as a couple, with a female friend of mine who I had been seeing a year or so before. It was slightly drunken and fun. But we chose not to repeat it.
As for me joining a couple as a single girl, this didn’t happen until a Killing Kittens’ event where I was approached by the female of the couple to come and play. We played at the party and at my home, but as it was their first I was very much the instructor and leader in this threesome, making sure everyone was comfortable and had a good time. We did.

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?
I don’t really get this label – I am many things to many people. But a girl that specifically plays with couples? No

How do you feel being the unicorn in an mff differs from being the primary female?
Hugely – but that very much depends on the couple you play with. Some bring in a female to focus their attentions on, and this is a delightful experience, as you have the undivided sexual amour of a man and a woman who are in tune with each other and have clearly discussed what they want from the experience long before you turn up on their doorstep. Sadly, the other side to this is the less well informed who simply want the MFF, the girl is bi-curious (I know you have to start somewhere but this really isn’t for me) and the boy wants two women sucking on his cock to keep in his wank bank. These couples usually end up falling out over petty jealousies, or the girl isn’t secure enough to handle a confident women, and the attention her man is giving me.  As a people pleaser, this is hard, you want it to be a great memory for all, and you also don’t want the drama of having to sort it all out. 

What is your favourite dynamic in a mff?
This really depends on the people – I have no favourite, couples, three singles, friends, whatever….. it is all good if everyone knows what their role is and communicates what they want – and being a filthy minx or tomcat helps too! People who give in and let the sensation and experience take over and stop worrying about how they look, or what the other one is up to. 

Do you prefer couples, women or single men?
I love threesomes, but not when emotion is involved.

Do you find there is a difference in the way the three groups approach you?
Again, this depends on the people and their knowledge of the scene. Inexperience can lead to some cute approaches from couples, who don’t know how to start it with another girl. That’s quite endearing for me. A certain innocence in this day and age – and if the couple is new to it, and I am helping them achieve a fantasy for the first time, then this thrills me. 
Single men will always be the most up front or the biggest liars and often the most dull – they want to fuck. Their approach is often crass and without thought of me as an individual. Maybe it is hanging about on the kink scene more, where people know their boundaries, respect their choices and don’t judge. I have had one approach at a club, where a man spent an hour at the bar chatting and getting to know me, then quizzed my friends about me before we played. This I loved, he wanted to take the time to find out what I liked and how I played. 
Single men don’t often want to put in the effort. To me swinging/playing/promiscuity still requires the element of understanding and effort. My first Fabs meet took me 9 months of emails, then texting, then meeting for a coffee and chat, before I finally played with him!
Women are simple – we understand each other and the approach is usually as a friend or admirer, which then turns into something sexual. But it still feels like two friends having fun together, becuase they share something unique, and beautiful – womanhood.

What is the worst approach you’ve ever had?
It wasn’t really an approach, but I have been followed about at clubs or parties, not coming and chatting to me, just following me about and hanging outside the girls’ toilets! I also love confidence in men, but overstep this mark and you end up with arrogance – arrogant men that tell you you’re coming home with them without even asking! With couples I hate it when you find out after a week that you have been chatting to the man via text, and not the girlfriend as they have put across to you. Naughty, and frankly tedious.  Also people trying to get you back for a private party, which doesn’t really exist, they just want to get you home.  Anyone who isn’t honest – men, women or couple, will fail in their approach. 
An ex of mine always used to ask to come in and use the loo, then force himself on women, well dom them. Wanker!

What would make a couple stand out to you as a good potential play pair?
An open mind, a sense of fun, while still maintaining some innocence and awe of it all! That’s a big ask I know. Failing that being damn hot! But also, and importantly having standards. That take a step back and look at who they would like to play with and why, and approach you letting you know why they chose YOU.

When you’ve been the primary female in setting up an mff, what strategies do you find have worked best for you?
I have tried to not to bring a new girl into this situation, I think the females should be friends first before expecting another girl to partake in a threesome. I have usually then put the female in touch with the male I want a MFF with, so that they can get a feel for each other and build some chemistry together. This is important – while I used to be able to turn up at a random doorstep and play, most women don’t. They like to feel a bit of a connection and some trust. Facilitate this for all parties and you have the start of a good threesome.

Are you cautious of introducing a unicorn to a primary play partner? Have you had any bad experiences?
Only with men I’ve dated! Mainly doms. Three awful experiences where I felt totally left out and insignificant despite being the male’s girlfriend. It felt like he just was interested in new blood!  But if I am not romantically involved I am happy to introduce – but on my terms. 
Men that ask constantly for a MFF bore me too. Show me you deserve the amount of effort and time this takes.

What would be your ideal, fairytale scenario for your life? Your happy ending?
I have recently learnt that three things can provide happiness. Company, counsel and loyalty. This doesn’t mean monogamy, just honesty. We can’t own someone sexually, and if you can behave in a way to allow freedom, but honesty, good company, and counsel when they need it – it’s a winning formula. That said, I am a hopeless romantic and still long for the fairytale wedding and a Facebook filled with joint selfies of ourselves discovering foreign places and going to cool festivals with our kids in tow, all in glitter make-up.

How do you feel single girls on the scene are perceived?
In most cases they are revered for being wanted by both couples and single men. I don’t like overtly promiscuous girls, and tend not to play with these. But without the wonderful single girls you’d be left with couple’s swinging clubs! I have never felt that I was less than any other single girl on a vanilla dating site. I think they are seen as a thing a beauty, if they show class.

What strategies do you use to identify which single girls would be your best targets for an mff?
If I like them and get on with them! I don’t set up MFFs with girls I don’t know, even if this getting to know is just messaging for a while.

What advice would you give to a couple setting out to have their first mff?
Don’t be pushy, there is nothing worse than constantly asking someone for it. Let it evolve naturally. Spend some time getting to know your extra F and what she likes. And don’t ask for pictures, just get out and meet them and see if there is chemistry all round. Let the girl do the chatting in the main, as girls bond more quickly. 

Any final words of wisdom?
Don’t make an MFF the holy grail, there is much to discover and try before you think you need to add another female. Make sure you all want to do this, and you are not a people pleaser like me that agrees to do things just to keep their man happy! You have one life, live it as you want to, not how someone else thinks you should.

Tainted horn and bareback heart: who is exterminating the unicorns?

It is easy to see by the numbers.  Men and women exist in ratios of approximately 50:50, yet on the swing scene, you have lots of couples and lots of single guys.  Where are all the women?

Even if we assume a large proportion of the ‘single’ guys on the scene are not really single, but discretely playing away (which is true), it still doesn’t account for the disparity.  Is it that men like sex more than women?  Society tell us so, but it’s not really the case.  Where do the unicorns go?  Fact is, they come, they explore, and nine times out of ten they leave – not enlightened and emancipated as one might hope, but bitter, broken and disillusioned.  What is happening to them that makes their experience so different from the couples and the single men?

I’m going to digress a little, but why will come clear in the end.  It’s time to have ‘the talk’. Just the once.  Then, armed with a complete set of facts, you may do whatever you see fit.

  1. Anyone can catch an STI.  Whether you have sex with one partner protected, or 100 bareback.  Nothing is foolproof.  The odds might be different, but everything in life is a risk.  You might even sit in a mysterious wet patch at a party and end up with gonorrhoea.  The stigma associated with STI’s is not about risk- it is about our prudish attitude to sex as a society.  I’ve yet to see someone being tutted at and told they should be more careful if they get food poisoning because they like to eat out at different restaurants.
  2. Condoms do not give 100% protection against anything, and give very little protection against many things.  They work best at preventing pregnancy and HIV. They are very poor at protecting against gonorrhoea, chlamydia, genital warts (HPV) and herpes.
  3. Blow jobs do count.  Sorry Mr. President.  There are treatment-resistant strains of gonorrhoea going around, largely being passed by oral sex.  They recommend you rubber up for oral as well, though anyone who has tried this will find their technique very much impaired in its effectiveness, and, if you are unfortunate, the victim of a near fatal choking incident when the condom comes off and decides to lodge in your windpipe while doing deep throat.  As far as I know, science has yet to resolve this disparity.
  4. You can get stuff from girl to girl and ‘not full sex’.  Though some things, like HIV, die fairly quickly outside the body, others can last for hours on body fluids.  The saying, ‘goes like the clappers’ exists for a reason.  Some conditions give people few or no symptoms.  Herpes can be spread by contact with the buttocks or inner thighs.  The person may be a carrier and never even had an outbreak (though this is less likely, it’s still possible).  If they know they have it, they may well not tell you. Non-fatal STI carriers are not required by law to tell their prospective sexual partners.  It’s treatable but not curable.  What you might consider low risk activity, like gentle touching and foreplay, becomes high risk in a larger group.  I’ve yet to see a long queue for the sinks where people are washing their hands between gropings.  I’ve seen men use the same condom on two women, switching between them.  I’ve seen men slip a condom off (stealthing) and carry on. This probably makes any event sound like an overwhelming free-for-all of bonobo chimp people, but you won’t notice.  You will be swept away by the glamour and the luxury, the exquisite sensation of soft hands all over you, drifting you away in a dream world of pleasure.  So you need to arm yourself with knowledge.
  5. Get checked.  A lot.  Not just for yourself, but for everyone who isn’t involved.  The wife at home who doesn’t know her husband was out, quietly sat expecting their first baby.  Want to see what congenital syphilis looks like?  Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/creepy/comments/5kpnc1/congenital_syphilis/?ref=share&ref_source=link   Shocked you enough yet?  That’s a little kid.  Don’t be responsible for that.
  6. Even if you get tested every week, you can’t be sure you don’t have something. There are dormant periods for the different STIs in which they can’t usually be detected.  There are false negatives.  There are periods of overlap.  They also don’t test for herpes or genital warts.  They wont swab your throat or anus unless you specifically tell them you meet the criteria to be high risk.  So someone showing you a clean report, taken that day, really means nothing.  It slants the odds slightly in your favour, that is all. Furthermore, most clinics don’t do the swabs themselves or do a visual check.  They will hand you a cotton bud and get you to do it yourself. Whatever someone tells you, or whatever they think they know about it, arm yourself with the truth.  It won’t protect you all the time, but if you fall foul of fate when you’ve stacked the odds in your favour as best you can, at least you won’t feel like giving yourself a massive kick in your own butt.
  7. Get vaccinated.  Hepatitis B is preventable with a course of 3 vaccines.  If you have it, it’s too late and it’s not curable.  It’s free, it’s easy to get.  It’s a no-brainer.  The world eagerly awaits the day you can vaccinate for everything else.
  8. Get treated.  When you catch something, get treated straight away.  Follow the treatment exactly, and stay away from any sexual contact until your follow up test has come back with the all-clear.  Depending where you live, this may put you out of action for over a month in total.  Not nice.  No choice.
  9. Use condoms.  They may not be 100%, but they are a lot better than 0%.  Show you respect yourself and your playmates by bringing ones you like, in a variety of sizes, and get them out early in play, ready to go.  you can get a wider selection at good prices if you order online.  Not that buying 6 boxes at once in the supermarket isn’t fun.
  10. Women, use an additional back-up method of contraception, if you are fertile.  Even if you rather fancy the idea of raising a child alone, no kid deserves ‘one of 10, probably’ on their birth certificate.  At some point, any kid is going to have at least an idle curiosity about where half their DNA came from; they will be thankful if you could narrow it down a bit.  Condoms break, idle fingers with fluids get places – just best to have back up, whatever you think your actions are going to be when you first start out.  Things change in the heat of the moment.  In certain situations, there’s an awful lot more heat than you expect.heart-471785_640

Lecture over.  Not that it is a lecture.  It’s the world we live in.  There’s no point pretending things are how we wish they were.  Some things we can overcome, and some we can just do our best to work around.  Wishing on a star never stopped anyone from catching the clap.  Sorry Disney.

Looking back to the start of this, one might wonder if I’m suggesting all the unicorns have left the scene through being struck down with STIs.

No, though it happens to a few that way I’m sure.  What kills the unicorns off?  What is the touch of their horn that brings them death and destroys their magic?  It’s you.

Just kidding, it’s not you.  They do it to themselves.  Your fresh, new unicorn, at the start of her journey, is, in a sense, very much an innocent.  No doubt she thinks she has sexual prowess, she thinks she’s got game.  She sees herself as wild and sexy and free and liberated, enjoying her power and her rare, semi-magical status.  She is sought after, desired, valued.  What destroys her is they way she will lose the innocence she did not know she still had.

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For ladies, much as I adore you, my God but you can be stupid.  You wrap your views in fantasies of how you want the world to be, and act on your daydreams.  You treat the scene as try before you buy, but nobody else does this or knows it’s what you are doing. No-one but the other daydreaming unicorns, too wrapped up in their own denial to tell you the Emperor has no clothes on. You will find a guy you like, head dizzy with the chemistry of good sex, and you will hold your head high, ready to be his prize; all set to move your role to that of the primary female, hunting together.  You will let him bareback you, groin and heart, feeling that this makes you special- that it’s more intimate- that it shows you have more value to him than all the others.  For you have finally found your worthy match- the man you can be both sexual and respected self with: your hunting mate and your protector.  The pinnacle of your quiet expectations from the start.

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But the Emperor has no clothes on.  When you become bareback partner to a man who is not monogamous to you, however he might dress it up, and whatever he says, he is disrespecting you.  Rather than sharing a special intimacy, he is showing you that he cares about you so little he is willing to put his pleasure before protecting you from whatever he is going to give you.  He will give you something, sooner or later.  And the moment you need him for anything real, he won’t be there.  Because he never signed up for that, and he told you so all along.  Silly little unicorn.

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So now, heartbroken and discarded, what does our poor unicorn do?  She does what she does best.  She anaesthetises herself with pleasure.  She dresses herself up in daydreams and looks to prove how valuable she is, with someone else.  She lifts the crown of adoration from her knight in shining armour-turned-villain, and sets it straight on the head of another, with whom she will try that much harder.  Harder to impress, harder to win over.  Harder to demonstrate her value to.  But she comes with unresolved baggage. She will screw it up, because she has learned not to trust.  Her new beloved is not new- he is wearing the shoes of her former love.  The role has been re-cast, but the play doesn’t change.  And so descends the unicorn, into a spiral of endless repeats, until her spirit is crushed utterly and she leaves.

Or.

She can change.  She can decide that the daydream she initially sought is something she has outgrown, with experience.  It can happen at 18, it could happen at 80.  For many, it never happens at all.  But the trajectory from innocent to broken unicorn, resentful and insecure, is never cured by repeating the same cycle.  Hurts can never be undone, scars will never heal if they are endlessly torn open and refashioned.  Rather, she can have a moment of clarity.  This is where your experienced unicorns split in 3 new ways:

  1. The endless repeater.  She will make drama that makes no sense to you.  She is stuck in a circle of hell, forever recreating and trying to make sense of a host of experiences that have left her damaged.
  2. The escapee.  She will set down rules for you that, in effect, make her no longer a unicorn.  She has drawn lines in the sand of exactly what she will and won’t tolerate.  She has built a new castle around herself, and is protected by it.
  3. The driftwood. She has let go of the notion of ever fixing what is broken, and found her focus elsewhere, somehow.  What you do, or don’t do, no longer matters to her. She doesn’t take you seriously.  She will entertain you when it amuses her to do so, secure in the knowledge that you were never a prince in disguise anyway.

These unicorns don’t sound so fun for sex anymore, do they?  They sound kind of hard work?  No wonder everyone likes a fresh new unicorn, full of hope and laughter and light spirit.  Give them 1 to 2 years.  That’s the lifespan of that.  Until they learn that being sexually desirable and respectable are mutually exclusive in the eyes of all but their own kind.  That being said, every journey is unique.  Consider carefully where on the journey your intended unicorn is, and you will understand what you need to give her to get what you want.

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The silver bullet: How to fool a unicorn

I’ve talked about insights into the unicorn mind.  I’ve given little tips, I’ve quoted some general strategy.  Here is where I tell you how to take down the hard to capture unicorn. Executed correctly, it is ruthlessly effective.  It is also, in its whole, though not necessarily its parts, very dishonest.  This is the strategy for the couple who are all about the hunt. For whom the intellectual and primal challenge are the motivator, rather than necessarily the end product.  It is completely unethical in its construction, yet if done right, everyone goes away happier than any other strategy I know of.  Sorry, my unicorns, here is where I expose your Achilles’ heel.

Why would I do this?  There are a few reasons.  I’ve set out to teach you what I know, and I know this works.  It is also already a strategy that is widely used, yet poorly pulled off. If you do it wrong, you will do people damage.  So rather than have you blunder into it, I will tell you how to do it right.  If we base ethics on outcomes, rather than actions, it is a virtuous strategy.  I’ve had it tried on me many times, but poorly done.  Done right, it will take down anything from a novice to an experienced and wary unicorn.  Even me.  There is another reason; I’m not always a very nice person.  Not any more.

Let’s get evil.

To do this effectively, here is what you need:

You and your partner must be a relatively attractive heterosexual couple, who are both intent on this goal.

You and your partner must trust each other completely, and have a relationship in which your connection is not based primarily on sexual monogamy.  This is important.  If you think you can work around this step, it will all go disastrously wrong.

You need to temporarily hide your couples account and presence online.

You will need to make separate online accounts as singles.  Feel free to block the single males from messaging, and even couples.  They are not your targets.  This is a focused hunt.

In your online profiles, you will have attractive pictures and you will need to cultivate some friends, verifications, etc. depending on the platform you are using, so you appear genuine and legit.  This isn’t all that hard to do.  You can even verify each other, yet you will need at least a few others to disguise this or you will rapidly be found out.

In your profile, talk about how you are looking to find someone to explore with and your interest in finding MFF.  Say you are not after a one nighter, nor a relationship.  Say you are looking for a partner in crime.  Extol your personal virtues as you usually would.

Together, identify targets you both agree on.

Separately, message the same targets.  Try to stagger it a bit.  Talk to them and get to find out their situation, level of experience and what they are looking for.  Key phrases that are useful to the male in finding a target are ‘single’, ‘looking for fun’, ‘bisexual’ and anything showing a wish to explore, an adventurous side or an indication that they might enjoy an intellectual challenge or the role of the predator, rather than prey.  You are seeking the somewhat disillusioned yet hopeful.  The single girl who is still on a sex site, yet gives a slight hint she might want something more.  Red flags to avoid are ‘passion’, ‘intense’, or any hint that she is trying to set up a specific fantasy for herself or a relationship. You are not going to become their boyfriend.  You do not want drama. This is more important than how they look.

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The woman of the couple is going to take a slightly different approach.  She is looking for a girl who is a little lonely or lost.  Someone without a wide circle of friends on the scene. From the perspective of your female partner, the main thing she has to avoid is time-wasters and girls who are doing the same thing.  If a target talks fairly quickly about having a threesome with a guy- she thinks she knows someone- cross her off your list. She’s trying to use the silver bullet on your girlfriend.  There are a lot of these- perhaps 50% of the ‘single’ girls who will chat to her, maybe more.  Girls who say they haven’t met yet, are shy, or just want to send loads of nudes are mainly fantasists who will never meet her.

Share what you learn about your targets with your partner and discuss extensively.  You are a team, right?  That’s the fun, right?

After chatting for a couple of days, arrange a meet.  NOT both of you.  Give no hint that there is a partner in the background.  You both just say you have a few casual playmates, that you are looking for someone to explore with.  Whoever is having the best luck with her arranges a meet.  Go somewhere nice for a coffee or a drink.  Make eye contact, smile, just be friendly.  No sex.  This is about bonding.  After you’ve met, say she seemed really fun and different, and that you’d like to meet again.  Try to arrange for about a week later.

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At the second meeting, you go into what you are looking for sexually more.  You flirt more.  You may or may not have sex at the end of this date, depending on how it goes and the circumstances.  You and your partner must be incomplete agreement that this is allowed.  Have another date if you need to afterwards.  The more the better, to a certain extent.   When you talk, make yourself sound like a sexual explorer looking for a companion.  Looking to be a team.  Talk about how you are just setting out on this journey of exploration, and you need people in your life who will help you accomplish your goals, not hold you back. When you have sex, make it passionate and make it good. Focus on her needs.  At this point you have bonded adequately to go to the next step.  If it is your partner who has the sex, do not be resentful or distrusting.  They are doing the work you have agreed onto achieve your mutual goal.  If you try to skip this step, it will not work.

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Now, you ramp up the threesome aspect with your unicorn, who will believe she is a) your female primary, if you are the man, or b) your close affectionate sexy female friend, if you are the woman.  Talk about how great it was and how you really want to do this together.  Now comes the beauty of the ruse- you make her hunt your partner.  Talk about how fun it would be to do together.  Ask her advice and opinions on how to find somebody.  Ask her for her suggestions.  At no point is she to know she is not the driving force in making this happen.  By this point she will be set on impressing you with her skills and abilities in satisfying your threesome goal.  After turning down her suggestions (gently, possibly after talking to them and saying you didn’t feel the vibe, she was so much sexier than any of them, etc.) introduce a little list of your own for her to consider. Pick a card, any card.  But you are going to force her to choose the one you want.  This requires time, patience, and delicate footwork.  Perhaps the others are less attractive in their pictures.  Or maybe one she takes a shine to is away for the next few months.  You are going to be very careful in your description of your actual partner.

If you are the man, you are going to describe your partner as an old friend that you hardly ever see who is a good laugh.  More like a sister, but she’s a bit of a wild one and she’s in town for the next couple of months.  If you are the female, you are going to describe your partner as a hot guy you know- not boyfriend material but mellow and fun and always up for some sex.

By playing down the dynamic while extolling their suitability for the role of unicorn/male sex toy in your threesome, they become less of a threat to the bonding the unicorn perceives they have with you.  You need to tread so softly- force too hard and the game is up.  Next you give them all the power.  Give them your partner’s details and say as you know them you don’t feel right in asking.  Could your unicorn chat to them and see if they got on?  Maybe suggest the threesome if they like each other?  You are SURE they will fancy the unicorn- who wouldn’t?  You are now operating as two singles chatting up the same unicorn.  As far as the unicorn knows, she is entirely in the driving seat.  You can toy with her and make her work to convince you both to do it!  To an extent, the more you play hard to get the more she will push to make it happen- her self esteem and her sexual prowess are at stake.  She doesn’t want to let you down.  She wants to prove she can do this.  She will enjoy the thrill of the hunt as much as you do.

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When the three of you meet, remember to play down your connection to each other.  Let the unicorn be in charge, and never make her feel left out.  You and your partner secretly know you have pulled this off together by stealth, but she never will.  Everyone goes home feeling powerful and clever.  You never have sex solo with your unicorn again, but the three of you may be able to meet again.  At this point, especially if the unicorn seems to be getting to like you, it is time to manage her involvement, unless you plan on becoming a poly triad (which can work, but that’s a whole different game.  Your triad is based on dishonesty, which you won’t be able to hide forever).  Perhaps you are called away to work overseas, or you decide you want to try a gay threesome, or something on your journey she can’t be a part of.  She will be disappointed, if she has become attached, but she won’t feel bad about it.  They key is to nip it in the bud at the appropriate time, and that is not something I can tell you how or when to do to avoid drama.  Earlier rather than later is best- don’t let a sense of awkwardness or not wanting to hurt her feelings make it worse for her later.  You owe her that much at least.

She may not become attached at all.  Most people don’t, especially if you have managed her expectations throughout, without relying on that old fallback of romance and getting her daydreaming to achieve your goal.  If you mess this part up, don’t blame me.  The execution is all your doing.  You want her to trust you and to have a threesome with you, not start to fall in love with either of you.  If you resort to those tactics, whether male or female, you are being a dick.  Ideally, you want this to be a part of her journey, which she sees herself moving on and developing from, without either of you.  If you have manipulated her in the right way throughout, she will exit as smoothly as she entered. She will view herself as a hunter- a skilled, sexy woman who has achieved her goal. Only you and your partner know differently.  This is a bonding secret the two of you must take to the grave.  Say what you like about love and sex, there is no intimacy like a shared dark secret.  Especially not monogamy.

Congratulations, you are both now terrifyingly effective predators.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

The Unicorn and the Red Bull

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Photo by James Frid on Pexels.com

Source: Urban Dictionary: Old Bull

There is a cartoon from the 80’s, known as ‘The Last Unicorn’, which, to watch it now, seems like a strange hybrid of Manga, My Little Pony and New Romantic aestheticism.
In this tale, the unicorns have been chased into the sea by the ‘Red Bull’ (spoiler alert), leaving just one, who sets out to find them.  In the process, she is ‘cursed’ to become a human woman to hide from the bull, where she falls in love, and has to choose between a mortal life with love, and the magical life of a unicorn, without.  She can live as a unicorn, as long as she is not alone- as long as she has the other unicorns by her side.  In a sense, this blog series was already written in 1982.
The parallels and metaphors of the Red Bull are so obvious, that little explanation is needed. If you rush things; if you make your lust for sex a thing that is to be feared, that is not controllable, your unicorns will flee from you.  Be like the old bull, not like the Red Bull. Take your time.  Build their trust.  Walk down the hill slowly, and fuck them all.
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Nothing but the horn: Unicorn stereotyping

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Photo by MJ Breiva on Pexels.com

Everyone’s guilty of making assumptions at some time….judgement is human nature, it’s a survival tactic…so you can’t be too hard on people about it…just put them right when they make an assumption of you, if you care enough to…mostly I don’t care enough about other people’s opinions of me…the time I care is when I actually care about the person making the assumption.

Miss Genie, 30’s, sexually liberated woman

 

As humans, we rely on our ability to spot patterns and use them to interpret the world around us.  The more we are exposed to a certain collection of information, the more our brains are able to find this pattern and give meaning to it, from the face of Jesus on our toast, to shapes in clouds, to the interpretation of what other people think and feel from a small series of cues.  Our minds learn to block out the anomalies- the pieces of data which don’t fit the patterns we are used to, so that we can rapidly process and forget that which is not useful to us and our survival.  The inability to block and filter this constant flow is what leads to difficulties for people on the autistic spectrum.  The over-reliance on blocking and filtering is what leads to bigotry, stereotyping and closed-mindedness.

CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy, not cock and ball torture, in this case) is a technique which attempts to re-programme our responses to cues, by examining other routes the information could take in our minds, to lead to a happier state of being.  For example, if you see two girls look at you and giggle to each other, what do you assume?  If you have a series of negative experiences and associations, or low self esteem, you may think they are laughing at how your ears stick out.  A different person might assume they were checking you out, and making suggestive comments to each other as they found you attractive.  Same cues, different interpretation.

The more you are exposed to sets of information as a pattern and their associations, the more entrenched your responses become.  With regard to threesomes, unicorns and bisexual females, unfortunately for the novice, your prior information set for pattern recognition and response is likely to be largely limited to erotic fiction and pornography. This is about as useful to you in the real world as Game of Thrones is to your understanding of historical events.  It is fiction.  It is simplified, reductive, and designed to elicit a response in you that will guarantee the highest likelihood of your continued consumption of the material produced.  It is aimed at the reward centres in your brain. It is a non-pharmaceutical drug, hooking you on your own biochemistry to create a mild addiction. If you want to up your game, to hit those same reward centres in real life, you need to be aware that your understanding so far is not entirely on target.

It is not entirely your fault.  Through an age old patriarchal society’s rules, your exposure to the real thing is limited.  It is secret, mysterious, forbidden.  Participants are fetishized. Yet is the fetishistic nature in your own mind that holds the key to both your pleasure by partaking, and your fall-flat mistakes in obtaining your goal.  I am going to tell you a list of things that are simply untrue.  Sorry to burst your bubble.

  1. Unicorns are more highly sexual than anyone else.  They are always at it, because they just love sex.  It’s what they are all about.
  2. Bisexual women always have sex with all the other bisexual women they know
  3. Bisexual women have sex with other bisexual friends whenever they see each other.  Most of the time, anyway.
  4. Whenever bisexual women get together, whatever the event, there is always some element of sex involved somewhere.  If not, they are thinking about it.
  5. Bisexual women are all up for MFF – it’s the best of both world’s right?
  6. Bisexual women should be flattered you have approached them for MFF.  It’s two for one?  What’s not to like?  They said they are bisexual?
  7. Unicorns like to be treated like a sex object.  They all always enjoy the attention of both of you at once.  They enjoy being hunted down.
  8. Unicorns are so busy with their sexual freedoms, they are just having sex all the time.  They consider this their main identity and don’t need or want to be considered as anything other than their sexual self.  That would bore them and turn them off.
  9. All single girls with bisexual tendencies or curiosities will enjoy an MFF
  10. All bisexual girls who enjoy MFF should be happy to partake in one with couples
  11. All unicorns who enjoy MFF with couples enjoy being the passive party in the selection, arrangements and event
  12. Unicorns are just slags.  If they weren’t happy to be considered sex objects, they would just go get a boyfriend.  They would never make girlfriend material, and they would certainly never want to be.
  13. A bisexual woman could never be satisfied with just one person in a relationship. They have to be unicorns, as they are so sexually charged that they would cheat on anyone, of either gender.
  14. There’s a strategy you can use that will work on all unicorns, infallibly.  They all want the same thing so the same rules apply

Doesn’t sound much like the depictions you’ve seen in porn and the wider media, does it? The truth is that unicorns in general see themselves and the things they do, not as a fixed identity, but as a part of their personal journey.  A path they explore, trying to understand themselves, life, relationships and in some cases work through previous hurts or anaesthetise themselves to that which they don’t want to feel.  If one has sex with you, you may well not hear from her again.  Yes, my baby ducklings, sometimes it is the unicorn who is using you.  There are always exceptions.  There are a million different stories and motivations, and every path is different.  If you want to catch a unicorn, you do not need to be a hunter.  You need to be a unicorn whisperer.

Unicorn interviews: 2

Miss T, 30, young flirtatious deviant on the scene for 2 years, party organiser for 1 year

Please tell me about how one of your early MFF threesomes came to happen?

Well, I was out with a girl I met at my hostel and we went to get a drink.  We found a bar and we are facing the marina, and two cute boys passed and they ended up coming into the same bar.  We giggled a while and then went to chat to them (I initiated) and we all went to the next bar.  We ended up dancing and I was getting along with the cute one of the two really well.  As the night progressed, my friend came up and asked me if she could join us tonight.  I was like, ‘okay, sure,’ not really thinking much of it.

All four of us ended up heading back to their hotel room  His mate was getting annoying trying to get in on the action, so when we got back to the hotel we asked the cute one to get rid of his mate, as we wanted to spoil him with a threesome.

How did you feel about it during and after?

Kind of annoyed that the other girl was there as she wasn’t into the full experience as much as I was, and I wanted the guy to myself.

How do you feel it should have gone?

To be honest I’m not sure; I just thought if she asked to be involved then she would have been more into it, rather than just him really.

How to you feel:

a) hunting a guy with another girl

b) being the unicorn for a couple, or

c) being the female in a couple and picking up another girl

compare?  Which do you prefer, and why?

Hmm.  A for sure. Then you have the control rather than being the meat that’s being chased, or the bait to lure someone else in.

How do you feel about couples who contact you as a potential playmate?

Like a play toy.  Like you are just there to satisfy them and they don’t really care about your needs.  It’s rare to find a couple that either want to please you, or…actually give a shit about what you want to get out of it.

What techniques have you used that worked best to find a single girl to share with a male partner or playmate?

Hmm. I never found a female to play with anyone.  The only female, I got friendly with, and we ended up good friends instead!

What advice would you give to a couple looking to pick up a single girl?

In terms of advice, they need to consider the unicorn’s wants and needs and how they can satisfy her first before their needs.

How do you feel your experiences have changed you from when you first started?

I went in blind when I first played with a couple.  Now I’m more wary and will stand my ground with what I want.

Do you think single men and couples see the scene differently to single girls?

Yes, definitely.  They see it more as shopping.

How do you feel about other single girls on the scene?

Good luck to them! Hahahaha.  Happy to be friends with them and give them advice where I can, and team up where I can to turn the tables – give us the advantage.

Any final words of wisdom for couples or single guys hoping to score their first mff?

Words of wisdom, hey? Hmm.  Treat the girls with some decency and respect, and perhaps you’ll get some in return.

 

Unicorn Interviews: 1

Interview with Miss Paradise, 32, open-minded female

 

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?

 

I don’t know what to call myself. I’m very open, I’m a slow burner as well.  I know what I like when I like it, so it could be anything, it could be dominating men, it could be playing with girls, playing with couples, a single guy, it could be having a playmate which is what I’ve got now.  I’ve been playing with someone for over a year.

 

Do you guys pick up single girls together or do you just play together with your playmate?

 

Um, he is open to that but he doesn’t come out -he’s not on any scene, but he’s open. He knows that I dominate, he knows I play with girls, he knows that I’m out on the scene,  but that’s not his priority at the moment. He’s open for me to bring girls back if he wants, but we haven’t done it. We’re exploring and I’ve opened him up to BDSM, so me and him are connecting on that level at the moment.  I don’t know, I have been a unicorn. I was a unicorn when I first came on the scene, because I felt like I was getting the best of both worlds, as getting male and a female and I can also come away from it-  I wasn’t going to get any emotional bullshit attached to that because they’ve got their thing, so I can go in and I can play – we can all sort of play and use each other and I can walk away and it’s just left there. So yeah, I played with a few couples in the past was which I’ve enjoyed.  In fact some of my best experiences have been with couples and the dynamics of that have been different.

 

What would make you choose a couple, because obviously there’s a lot of couples who are seeking a unicorn?

 

The female for me has to be into women properly – not just doing it please your partner or ‘I’m straight but I do it, it’s for fun.’’ It has to feel organic, because that puts me off if I don’t get that feeling, because then it just makes it more intense.  Puts me off if the female just doing it to please the husband ‘cause then it becomes all about him and not about the three of us. I like when the male takes a step back and appreciates the two girls together and he’s quite respectful about it- it’s not like I said before, it’s not all about him.  It’s quite an equal dynamic, but I’ve had threesomes which have totally not worked. I actually fell asleep! Funny story – I was 20 I think. I was 20, 21; I was swinging then. Like, sleeping around and swapping partners and things, and I was seeing a guy on and off and we were very sexual- that’s all it was and then then there was a girl that I started having a bit of a thing with. And me and her went out one night and we bumped into this guy and he invited us back to his house. I got a feeling that he was more into her than me, so they were getting it on and I could just see it and feel the vibes, so I just kind of…. we’d  been smoking weed and stuff as well, but I just kind of sloped off and fell asleep on the side of the bed. They’re trying to nudge me, but I just wasn’t having any of it.  So eventually, after a few more times of those two hooking up, they ended up seeing each other for about 8 or 9 months or something like that. So that was it that wasn’t a great dynamic. I kind of got pushed out so I fell asleep. I’ll always remember that because he always mentions it.  Fell asleep- sorry.

 

It just panned out that way.  But then there was another dynamic with the same guy, who was with an ex-girlfriend.  Me and her were in the pub together and he came to pick me up and me and her were kissing he was like “oh that’s how it is is it?”

 

So we went back to his and he wasn’t interested in her, he was interested in seeing me and her together and then he wanted to sleep with me, but she was more interested in him than me, so it was a bit of a strange dynamic.  That didn’t feel right- it was a bit strange.  Because I remember getting up- we’d made a sort of bed in the front room and I remember getting up to get some water or go to the toilet.  I came back, and she was sort of trying to give him a blowjob or something. I could tell it wasn’t quite there. As soon as I came by he was on me, and then she was kind of ‘Oh I wasn’t interested in you, I want him,’ so that was a strange dynamic.

 

Have you had many times when  a couple has approached you together?

 

I’ve had that a lot at KK, because I’m all over the forum.  I get couples a lot, because I’ve actually put on my profile, ‘Interested in everybody’.  Any request will be considered really. So, a lot.  I do get them, but most of the time I find when they kik me it’s mainly the man rather than the girl. So he’s the driving force and he’s picking who he wants for those two, rather than it being the female – which I don’t think is a bad thing, because generally it’s either one or the other that instigates it. At a KK a party I’ve been approached by couples and I’ve had fun with couples before. In fact I went back with a couple- I went to a couple’s penthouse party and I was approached by the female and he was there-  he watched us and then they invited me back and I ended up staying with them and we all ended up playing. I was the centre of attention actually -they were both pleasuring me, which is quite nice. It was kind of all about me- I was at the centre.  I’ve never experienced that before. Then the female; she was like, II am tired now, I’m going to go to sleep,’ and I was I was in bed with in the middle of them and me and him- he was like, cuddling me. So me and him end up going the front room and playing together without her, which I felt a bit bad about but I thought, ‘Well we’ve all come back together,’ and then I ended up staying the next day.  We ended up eating pizza in bed and listening to music- it was really bizarre. I’ve never done that before, but at least there was this three-way kind of intense thing that we had for a couple of days. I’ve stayed friends with her but not with him, because he kept on trying to meet me on on it on his own and I said, ‘Well I’m going to not come to meet you, I’m coming to meet a couple,’ and I messaged her to let her know. I just said, ‘Look, he’s trying to meet me,’ because I’m-  I am a girl’s girl, I take the girls side more than the guy’s, even if the girl’s is a little bit in the wrong,  it’s still…. I’m more of a girl’s girl –  so.  She didn’t know that he was doing that- he didn’t tell her. But yeah, I’ve stayed friends with her- she’s an escort actually, this girl. Yes she’s cool.  I haven’t spoken to her recently.  So that was a nice time dynamic. I would actually like to experience that again, where I’m the centre of attention.

 

If a couple was going to approach you, what advice would you give them?

 

Have a general chit chat.  Not let it be based around sex and ‘come and meet us in a hotel and see where things..’ I don’t like that approach – ‘well let’s meet up and see if the chemistry is there,’ because instantly they’re basically saying, ‘let’s meet up for sex.’

 

Get to know me and have an experience, rather than just a fuck to tick a fantasy off their list, which is what I don’t want to be, unless I’m in that right frame of mind, I’ve met up with them and it feels right to become that fantasy. Then fair enough, but straight away if you’ve never met, have a little bit of a chit chat.  There’s been a couple of couples that said ‘can we take you out for dinner, can we get to know you better,’ That I like, because they’ve offered to take me out, in a normal, neutral place. They’ve not offered to come round to see me, or go to their house or hotel room- and just to sit and have a chit-chat over food. I think that’s very normal. I kind of like the normal approach, and I can kind of gauge where they’re coming from and and what they would like. Then if anyone feels uncomfortable you can leave as well, because it’s a bar or restaurant or whatever. I like that approach and that is what I would advise: to meet up. Because everybody has to feel comfortable.

 

Is there anything people have done, where they have really ruined their chances?

 

I have a message in my phone. There’s a couple I was chatting to, and then I’ve been busy so I haven’t responded to them and they kept putting question marks, and ‘Hi?’  I’m busy, you’re not on the top of my list. Then I got a message  saying ‘Hi, can we meet and fuck?’ I put ‘fuck off -worst approach ever. Never have I been so turned off. My vagina has sealed itself up.’

Then he put ‘It was a joke, because you never respond.’ Then I put ‘I’m going to block you,’ the other person put ‘cool.’ I put, ‘I don’t respond because I’m NOT INTERESTED.’  Then I left it. They’re pesty anyway. So that is not a good a good way to catch my good side. ‘Can we meet up and fuck?’  No.  No we can’t.

 

Have you ever had a situation where you found yourself becoming more emotionally involved with one or both of a couple than you planned to be when you first met with them?

 

No, I’ve never. I’ve never gone that far. I’ve never done that for with anyone actually with swinging. You create sort of feelings, but not in that light. I want to be with someone, but when you get to know someone you like them, don’t you?  You think, ‘I really like that person,’ but actual emotions like that, no. I can’t do that.  I detach myself because I see it as just swinging.

 

Do you think any women in a couple should ever be worried about you going off with her husband after, or be jealous of you being involved, or made insecure in any way?

 

I don’t think they should be jealous.  If there’s something wrong in their relationship then there would be reason to be jealous of anyone, or if they’ve got issues and insecurities that they’ve not to come to terms with or dealt with, then they shouldn’t be swinging like that. So no, because I wouldn’t take somebody’s husband or the other way around, I wouldn’t go off with the wife. It’s just they’re a couple, we’ve agreed to play together and that’s what it is. I see it for what it is.

 

Do you often find it’s the woman or the man that’s more attractive in the couple, or is it a mixture?  Do you need to be very attracted to both of them?

 

It has to be a mix.  I have to be attracted to both but it doesn’t mean necessarily mean physically.  I’m attracted to people’s energy, so if they’ve both got good energy and they are reasonably attractive, and if there’s a connection, then yeah that’s what I’m attracted to.

 

What’s the best pick-up line you’ve had from a couple?

 

Do you want to fuck?  Ha ha.  ‘Can we take you out for dinner and get to know you?’  I really like because it was just nice- you know, it was like straight away they wanted to sort of make me feel good. They wanted to do something for me, so that’s what I thought. That was quite nice.

 

So you say you’ve moved away from being with couples. What was it in your mind or in your life that you feel took you away from being a unicorn to wanting something different?

 

Because I’ve been playing with somebody for over a year and I’m quite happy having penetrative sex with him. So yeah, I’m quite happy just playing with him at the moment. I don’t see myself as 100% single anymore so that’s why. If I ended up being 100% single again then yeah, I will definitely go back to being open to playing with them.

 

Have you had any couples approach you to just play with one of the two? Or any times where you wanted one and not the other?

 

This takes it a little bit away from swinging. I’ve been asked to dominate a guy who’s in a couple, but the female of the couple is a bit funny about him being dominated by another woman as it’s normally her so, we’ve been talking about it. Then he came up with ‘what if you double dommed with her, on me?’  I said ‘well you’ve approached me,’ and I like his partner but I don’t feel any connection with her whatsoever. There’s nothing – she feels flat to me. I don’t feel her energy at all. There’s nothing there. So how’s that going to work, because how am I going to vibe off you in that situation? So I am more attracted to him than her. That’s a situation I’ve never really had. There’s normally always something about one and the other that makes itself up. But becomes all rounded. So yeah, that’s it at the moment. I had a message a couple of days ago actually so I just said ‘oh, I don’t know, you’ll have to open it up with her see what she thinks and then take it from there.’

 

How do you feel about the couple or the woman setting down ground rules for you?

 

I try and understand where people are coming from and if that’s their approach- if that’s where they’re at at that moment, that that’s their next step, to allow this to happen, because maybe they might be breaking into being completely open with each other. So sometimes I quite like the rules because then you know where you stand. If there’s no rules and it’s a brand new couple and you say- I don’t know- so I gave the guy blowjob or kissed him properly, and she’s like ‘Whoa, that made me feel really uncomfortable,’ then it can change. But if they specifically say, ‘Right, well he can’t kiss you and you can’t finger his bum and they are the rules,’ then you know where you stand. I don’t mind rules, I’m easy either side really.  If it’s a new couple then sometimes it’s better if they do have a few guidelines within their dynamic, because then no one’s going to kick off or the female’s not going to meltdown and start crying, or he’s not gonna go weird.

 

Have you had any cases where that happened?

 

I can’t quite remember what happened but there was one occasion where the woman went a bit funny with me, and it was her idea!  But I can’t quite remember the exact details of it. I do remember something of the woman being really funny, so yeah, maybe once.

 

Is there anything else you think people who are seeking a unicorn should know?

 

You’ve got to know the Unicorn- just get to know them a little bit. Find out what their experiences are: find out what they’re into and then you can build a better dynamic, especially if you’re thinking about seeing somebody on a regular basis.  It’s as well to get to know them. Don’t assume that you are just going to meet up and fuck- that it’s just going to be like this amazing threesome and everyone’s gonna have an amazing time. That will only happen if you if you talk and you get to feel each other out. That’s my advice: get to know her and be interested in her rather than just her pussy.