Well, my lovely swingers, kinksters, ladies, gents, unicorns and every weird and wonderful human…

After an unpredictably long hiatus from our adventures, in which we had dreams and memories only to keep us warm, the inability to explore or even plan our next adventure, and an utter dearth of anything to cheerfully review or write advice on, it seems there may be a flickering light at the end of the tunnel. Is this the flickering spark that will be rapidly extinguished by the next gust of coughed air, or is this a glowing ember that will grow into an exit from our dark tunnel into a new world that we can enjoy? Time will tell.

There are things I could have written. I could have reviewed online zoom parties. I could have discussed online sex toys, the unwilling experiment of extended celibacy, the mixed bag of online dating with no chance to meet or develop new relationships. I could have discussed how every ancient flame of any kind has come out of the woodwork to ‘see how you’re doing’. I could have examined the feelings of being trapped without a real social circle, in a world where a single person relies on the diffuse love and frolics of numerous others, restricted to text and messaging apps.

I didn’t.

There are a few reasons for this:

Firstly, and most importantly, we had bigger fish to fry. Chatting about a world put on pause that is based on merriment and adventure whilst all around us are losing their lives, jobs, family, mental health and worse just seems poor form. We are humans first, just like everyone, and expecting us to be our most luxuriant, lascivious selves in such circumstances is not only ridiculous- it would be rude. We all had other worries to focus on and navigate as best we could. We still do. We still will. And yet the time has come for some- not all- to feel ready to begin thinking about how they want to make their lives (their suddenly short-seeming, fragile and precious lives) take shape after this very, very long time to think.

Secondly, encouraging anyone to ‘carry on as normal’ would have been completely irresponsible. Though some people have certainly tried, the vast majority have taken the time and made sacrifices (including many that we consider to be our human rights) in order to do what is right by their fellow humans. My usual advice was no longer true or relevant. We couldn’t meet in person, we couldn’t try new events. Everyone has not been themselves, one way or another.

Thirdly, what advice could I possibly give that might not have to be flipped on it’s head every three weeks? Trying to live a libertine lifestyle in lockdown is an unrealistic ask. We are afraid. We are isolated. We are grieving. We are poor. We cannot plan for better times with any degree of certainty as to when or if we might enact our fantasies.

We have lost a lot. Aside from the huge issues that have been relevant to everyone, we have had a tough time within our own niche. The singletons have truly felt their singleness. The swinger couples have been forced into a world of vanilla monotony. The polyamorous have been restricted to one or no partners. The kinksters have been restricted to a world of online chastity training or nothing. Those wonderful people who have spent years building up special venues and events have been hit hard in the pocket- some may never reopen.

Yet after so very, very long lost in contemplation, reflection and desire – having finally ‘caught up’ with all those things we kept meaning to complete in a frantic world with our busy and distracting lives, there is a desire to start preparing ourselves for an ‘after’. It is an after that may be delayed, or indeed never come at all.

Some things will be in the far, almost unimaginable distance. Large events, festivals, commercial parties. Some things seem like they may be a little closer on the horizon – small household gatherings. A couple swap. A threesome. Heck, who wouldn’t even be glad for a little one on one vanilla at less than two metres distance right now?

Given the suddenness with which changes are announced and then take place, it might be time to start getting our ducks in a row. We have waited a very, very long and frustrating time to be able to do things. To suddenly be allowed, yet unprepared, would be enormously irritating.

With this in mind, let us begin to work on the following:

1) prepare your body.

Start to eat healthily and exercise. We have unlimited exercise now! All body shapes are beautiful, and this isn’t about fitting into an ‘ideal’. This is about looking your best you and feeling confident. It’s about having the energy and stamina for some great sex. Invest in a health tracker app (some are free), some healthy natural food and plan what you are going to do to inch towards your goal. There are a lot of free online exercise videos. You can even get a personal trainer to whip you into shape in the park. I like Sadistic Coach.

There isn’t any botox or fillers available at present- woe truly for ladies of a certain age! However online deliveries are still available and it’s a great time to invest in a new skincare regime and renew and perfect your sexy makeup looks. Personally, I like the Tropic skincare range with a personalised consultation to trick the world into thinking my skin tells the tale of virtuous living.

We all fall into a rut with our makeup looks, what we are comfortable with and what we feel like we know how to do. It’s a great time to try out some different versions of ‘you’ with free online makeup tutorials, ready for your post-lockdown relaunch into the world! I like Makeup by Tammi Gough for a variety of natural looks, festival creations, sultry party ideas and she’s also super LGBTQIA friendly and does trans makeovers and looks.

2) prepare your circle.

Make sure you’ve taken time to be in touch with the people you value having in your life after lockdown. It can be tough. Often we fall into social hibernation mode and only feel like communicated with our most familiar friends. New friends and those we like but feel less close to can be cut out of what social energy we have left. A lot of people have had a really bad time and we might almost feel afraid to reach out to them for fear of what they tell us. Yet we need to find it in ourselves to start rekindling those smaller flames. Set yourself up on Zoom or Houseparty. Make time for a video call or just a little chat about nothing.

After this, you will either be one of the ones who kept in touch during hard times, or one of the ones who didn’t. People remember this sort of thing, and feel it hard, however we might rationalise it away. The world has lost a sense of the casualness of interaction it had before. When a simple hug could mean your doom, we suddenly have to weigh things up a lot more seriously.

3) prepare your house.

With the options for large events and even hotels unclear for the future, it seems likely the most realistic first option could be small gatherings at home. After being stuck at home is your ‘office’ looking like an inviting place for anyone else to lose their post-lockdown virginity?

Probably not.

Even if you’ve had the DIY bug and managed to get hold of the items you needed, chances are it’s not going to set the mood for a sex party. With this in mind, I’m going to restart the party hosting series (that was so rudely closed off by the pandemic after a single post!) in a different order. I’m going to do a series looking at different aspects of how you can transform your living space from humble abode to multifunctional mood-setting sex-god palace.

Though things may not be ready yet, now is the time to start. Items can be ordered online, and often a few small touches really change the whole ambiance. I’m not talking a coffee table that rises from the floor to make a BDSM cage at the press of a button (though how cool would that be?!) I’m talking about a living space that your grandmother can see without being suspicious, which can also transform into your perfect post-lockdown boudoir in less than an hour.

The key, my lovely libertines, is knowledge and planning. We still have a little time, so let us begin to plan.

*The vendors mentioned here are personal choices and not paid advertising.

You can add a number 4, and brush up your libertine pickup skills (or art of the approach, as it’s now known) with a little read of Unicorns and How to Hunt Them. It’s mainly for couples seeking a third, but has advice for single men and how to host your own party too.