Unicorn interviews 6: The Poly Unicorn

child holding unicorn toy
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It will occur to most threesome-seeking couples after a while that obtaining a unicorn from scratch every time is a rather labour intensive and uncertain endeavour, however good at it you become.  If you meet a unicorn you like, would it not be better to keep her around?  Would it even, perhaps, be better to actively seek out a polyamorous unicorn right from the start, to love and cuddle and have that extra spicy excitement with from time to time?  Someone to bring into your relationship, a lovely extra addition to that which you already have?

Well, my baby ducklings, I have some bad news for you.  If you try to venture from swing to polyamory, and enter these forums/pages/sites with the intention of seeking out a female to share as a couple, you are in for a baptism of fire.  The cries of ‘unicorn hunter!’ suddenly sound like the most terrible derision.  The polys despise you, my darlings, and when I went on a forum and explained this post to ask for quotes, I had to spend a day defending my rationale to the best of my (somewhat extensive) linguistic ability, and ameliorating a whole lot of hurt feelings and vitriolic accusations.  Allow me to shield you from this a little, with some explanation.

Similarly to the kink scene, the poly scene has a lot of rules, a lot of lingo to learn, and a lot of literature to read before you even speak to anyone without causing offence.  Asking for clarification on anything will likely give you the response that it’s not anyone’s obligation to educate you.  Allow me to assist a little.

Unlike the swing scene, which is absolutely full of unicorn hunters, where that’s pretty normal and acceptable, the poly scene views you as naive sex tourists who are out to exploit vulnerable individuals and don’t really understand the nature of polyamory.  You are an outsider, boys and girls, come to hurt them.  There are a number of excellent references about exactly why this is, and why unicorn hunting in polyamory doesn’t work (couples privilege, male privilege, unbalanced power dynamics), and a lot of broken-hearted, former poly-unicorns littering the groups.  I’m not going to go over all this here: www.unicorns-r-us.com does an excellent job of helping you understand the issues, and why striding in with your swinger-size-nines to pick up a spare F for your couple is really not cool.  If your intention is sincere, these are issues you really need to understand before you even start trying.

Not to be disheartened, boys and girls.  After a year of searching, I actually have found a happy, poly unicorn to interview.  Truly, this must be the rarest of the rare.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the last of the unicorn interviews.

 

What would you like me to call you? 
Unicorn N. I’m 24, a single unicorn, pansexual, polyamorous.

 
What brought you to the scene?
Up until November 2017, I’d been in back-to back Vanilla (by which I mean, people who weren’t particularly sex-positive or sexually adventurous) long-term, monogamous relationships. No matter how much I loved someone, I always felt trapped by monogamy. I kept thinking, “I’ve got so much love to give. I can’t be the only person who thinks this way?” I found that I continually developed intense crushes on colleagues or new friends, then spend my time either fantasising about these people or chastising myself for never being able to just love one person at a time. It felt like a personality disorder: I was either swept in euphoria or crippled with guilt. Neither person was really me.

In my most recent relationship, I was engaged to a wonderful woman. Like, 6-months-away-from-walking-down-the-aisle engaged. One day all my doubts, the dreams I’d been shoving down to make room for “our” dreams… it all caught up to me. I called off the engagement. My partner moved out. Everyone asked how my new “freedom” was, but the truth is, I was completely devastated. I’d lost my family, my whole life did a 180 turn overnight. I had been comfortable, content. I had stability (something I did NOT grow up with), but now I knew that “content” just wasn’t good enough.

So, after a lot of crying, drinking and binge-watching sad movies, I got out there. For the first time, really since I was 16, I was single and I was scared shitless. But I had a LOT of things I wanted to try. The first: a threesome. Mainly because I’d watched ‘You Me Her’ and it had set something off in me. Polyamory just made sense to me. Even though the characters went through constant drama, it just looked like a beautiful kind of life to me. So I started researching ‘polyamorous dating’, ‘how to find a couple for threesomes,’ etc. I eventually signed up to Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid and (most importantly) Feeld. The latter advertises itself as a platform to meet singles and couples. Like most apps, it was hit and miss. But the majority of the people on there were exactly what I was looking for; local, sex-positive, open to new experiences.

 

How did your first MFF come to happen?

Once I had immersed myself in “alternative online dating”, I talked with dozens of couples. A lot of the time nothing came of it; either because they were into things I wasn’t, I became overwhelmed with the intensity of their interest in me, or I suspected there was no couple – just a horny guy looking to get nudes from me. 

The first couple I met, I’d spoken to for a few weeks. We had a group chat on kik and it was a good dynamic, everyone could see everything that was said, so there was no favouritism/jealousy/secrets. They were quirky and fun and we had a lot in common. They were the first couple to make me feel like an equal in their dynamic – however temporarily – they weren’t just looking for a toy for the woman to “experiment” with while the guy watched. There was real interest from everyone, for everyone. They finally came to visit me and we had an amazing night together. And that was it, I was hooked.

 

Would you describe yourself as a unicorn?
Yeah, but only because it makes me feel special. Ha! 

 

What do you feel the difference between poly unicorning and swinger unicorning?In my opinion, poly relationships (however casual/serious) and swinging are totally different ball games. There should be no unicorn in a poly relationship. If your encounter is a one-time adventurous hookup, it’s not polyamorous. That’s a couple swinging with a unicorn. But the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Threesome hookups don’t equal poly, but that doesn’t make any long-term arrangements are automatically poly relationships. It’s all up to the individuals, how they identify themselves and their agreed boundaries.

 

How do you feel being the unicorn in an MFF differs from being the primary female?

Because I’m single, I’ve never really been the primary female. But I have watched playmates of mine have sex with others – and that felt very different from entering a threesome as the unicorn. As the unicorn, there’s little chance of feeling possessive or jealous. But it does open you up to encounters which can leave you feeling empty, shallow, used, lonely. So both sides are tricky and require lots of communication. 

 

What is your favourite dynamic?

Of all the dynamics I’ve experienced, my favourite is with a married couple I regularly see. I think of myself as their unicorn or playmate. They are completely monogamous and deeply in love, it’s incredibly sweet to see and intoxicating to be around.  I see them about once a month and we usually go for dinner and drinks before heading back to theirs. We play together and then all cuddle in their Super King bed.

It’s not poly, in my opinion, because they’re only committed to each other. And as wonderfully as they treat me, I’m on my own. I can’t play with either of them separately. They’re in it together and I’m on the outside of their relationship. But that works for us. They’re getting their needs met and I still get my freedom. 

After a few months, they chose to make me their only unicorn which was wonderful to be told; whatever they’d been searching for from a threesome, they’d found it in me. They give me hope for the kind of marriage I never believed was possible.

 

Do you prefer couples, women or single men?
I love them all – I have a particular soft spot for group play, but I still meet with single men and women and enjoy it.

 

Do you find there is a difference in the way the three groups approach you?

Absolutely! Single women hardly approach me – I think I give off more dominant vibes with women, so I’m often making the first move.

Men are all different – generally, men are quite forward with me, which I think has a lot to do with my very sex-positive, ball-busting demeanour. I don’t present myself as an ultra-feminine, sexually-repressed “lady-like” kind of woman. I’m direct, open and honest with my expectations and desires. That scares a lot of people off. Others find it refreshing. 

Couples are, more often than not, tentative in their approach. Especially if they’re new to it. Either because the woman is anxious to try sex with another woman, the man doesn’t want to overstep and scare the unicorn off OR piss off his Missus by being too keen on another woman. I feel for them, really. So I’m always open and patient, I let them ask me whatever they want and make sure no one feels pressure to do anything. 

 

What is the worst approach you’ve ever had?

In terms of threesomes – I haven’t had particularly awful experiences (touch wood), but I have had some awkward situations. I chatted with a guy for ages when I was first on the scene who lived in Bristol. I really fancied him and his girlfriend, but she was very nervous. Rather than do the noble thing and back off, I kept talking to him, hoping his gf would change her mind. He and I ended up very attached to each other and eventually I had to break off contact because I started to doubt his gf was as in the loop about all this as he’d made out. 

For me, I want to be equally attracted to both people. I won’t sleep with a couple just for the guy or the girl. And similarly, I need to know they both fancy me. 

I also prefer to sleep with women who’re genuinely interested in women, as opposed to just looking for FF play for the enjoyment of their man. Similarly, I like to make sure they’re doing this for the right reasons; “we’re in a rut and wanted to spice things up” – sets off alarms for me, you don’t need a unicorn, you need a therapist… “it’s something we’ve both always wanted and we’ve talked a lot about it and feel we’re ready” – *ding ding ding* We have a winner!

For anything more serious to blossom I’d have to have things in common with both people, we’d have to make each other laugh and there’d need to be a genuine spark from the get-go. 

 

Why do you think most polys despise ‘unicorn hunters’?
I guess it’s kind of impersonal? It’s objectifying to unicorns – like we’re all just cattle in a pen waiting to be chosen. But, I think you could say the same about a lot of labels within the sex and relationship sphere. At the end of the day, the labels help us find what we’re looking for without the awkward rejection of the Vanilla world. If I call myself a unicorn, couples know that I’m open to being approached. Which eliminates a lot of pointless conversations with people who aren’t looking for the same things as me. It’s the same as if I went out looking for a Dom. That doesn’t mean I’d choose just anyone – but it saves a hell of a lot of time spent scrolling through profiles.

 

What would be your ideal, fairytale scenario for your life? Your happy ending?

More and more I’m beginning to think that I’d love to be part of athrouple/triad or poly group. Where I live with multiple partners and we all play together/love each other. But I supposed I’d have to really experience it to know if it was my happy ending.

Failing that, if I had a committed monogamous partner, I’d want them to be someone I could play with in groups or we went to parties together. Basically I don’t think I could ever go back vanilla.

 

How do you feel single girls on the scene are perceived?

By the couples who “hunt” us, I’d have to say I’ve always felt thought of well. Any negativity I’ve suffered has usually come from within – my niggling insecurities, my depression creeping in from time to time. I think if you’re right for a couple and you click, they’re appreciative. Maybe that’s just the glow of my current situation talking, I’m sure some people have faced slut-shaming from this lifestyle. Personally, I think I’m too much of a loud-mouthed feminist for anyone to call me a slut to my face. I love my experiences and I own them, a lot of my friends are guys (who are jealous) or fellow sex-positive people. The only time I’ve been questioned was by a friend’s boyfriend. 

 

What advice would you give to a couple setting out to have their first MFF?

This applies to the question below too – if you’re in a couple, have your shit together before you bring someone else into the mix. Don’t go searching for a 3rd person to improve your relationship. Before you even think of pulling someone else into your dynamic, make sure you COMMUNICATE openly and honestly. I can’t stress that enough. You need to have talked about everything; what could go wrong/right? how will we deal with the unexpected? what do we want out of this? how far are we willing to go? what are our motives? Have these conversations multiple times and then Keep Having Them. Check in with each other. Check in with your unicorn. Check in with yourself. Juggling 3 human beings’ emotions, needs, hopes, fantasies, insecurities can be beautiful – but make no mistake, it’s hard work. Even if you’re under the impression it’s a casual one-time thing, be prepared to fall in love, be prepared to hate each other, be prepared to be disappointed, be prepared to have the time of your life. If you’re not ready for any/all of those possibilities, you’re not ready for this. Stick to the porn-fuelled fantasy in your head.

 

What advice would you give to a couple looking to set up a poly MFF?

Same as my advice above. Only difference is that you need to be prepared for the huge commitment that being a triad entails. PLUS, you’ll have to deal with either hiding your lifestyle or be okay with facing constant judgement and possible backlash in your professional life/upsetting family etc. Any alternative lifestyle is a big commitment and takes time, care and consideration. If you can’t give that, it’s probably not for you. Personally, I’m a dirty hippy at heart. Free love. More the merrier. All that jazz.

Organising your own party

“Make sure you have a good relationship with the venue.  When I first started the socials, it was easy to encourage people to attend.  Then they pushed the prices up without notice, and I’ve started to feel very uncomfortable about promoting the club.  It is a decision you have to make from the start…is your purpose to provide a chance for friends to get together, is it about introducing new people to the scene, or is it about making money?”

Ex- London Social Organiser

After a few forays into commercial and private swing parties, many people will rapidly come to the conclusion that they could more easily organise their own event- controlling the venue, guest list, and notably saving themselves a fair bit of money along the way.  If this is a project you want to take on, there are a number of things to consider.

 

The date

No date is ever going to work for everyone.  If you have some reliable friends or couples you know are 99% sure to show up, try to work with them.  Consider holidays, arrangements with children, and what other large events are on the same weekend.  Is it the weekend of a big festival?  Is there a commercial swing party on the same day?  Scout around broadly to try to find a nice quiet weekend.  Once you’ve set the date, you can rapidly find out who is a potential invitee and who isn’t.  This will save you a lot of time.

The venue

I would say its really important to create the kind of environment you’d like to experience yourself.  I also think its important to know your guest list as that could make or break the vibe of the party.  The venue is important, it’s good to have a few different spaces so that people can chill as well as play.  It should also be comfortable, clean and inviting, and there should always be a host or someone available to keep an eye on things or to answer questions.

Miss Genie, 30’s, sexually liberated woman

Location– Chances are, you won’t be hosting at your place, unless you have a large and luxurious property in the middle of a huge and liberated city.  However nice your country retreat might be, you’ll struggle to get guests.  By and large, people won’t leave London.  Beyond the M25, Londoners may well burst into flames, for the reaction you’ll get. Travel costs and difficulties in getting there can scupper your plans.  Most people will have several things they are planning to do that weekend, and won’t want to allocate you the time, especially if it’s your first party, they can’t stay over or they are worried they might not like it.  Single girls in particular are likely to not show up, as there is an element of potentially being trapped in an unfamiliar place with an unknown crowd.  You need to start with the right location.  Central London will be the most expensive to rent somewhere, but it is also going to get you the most guests.  The venue needs to be near good public transport links, and ideally have some free parking nearby for those travelling in from elsewhere.  Easy to find is helpful.  For every travel barrier you add, you are going to lose guests.  People may have other plans the same night, before or after, or just like to keep their options open.  Even the large commercial party companies can end up calling off events if they aren’t central, so you will struggle as an unknown organiser.  You’ve been warned.

The property– Unless you are fortunate to have a reliable friend with a huge place you can use, your choice will be a big hotel suite or a short term rental property.  Given that most advertised places will say strictly no parties, you will need to scout somewhere out very carefully, both online and in person before the event.  Pictures mean nothing – they will only show the best aspects.  What is the access like? Is the entrance to the building welcoming, or will it send your guests scurrying off at the last minute with broken windows and glue sniffers in the walkways? Is there security at the building?  Will it be easy for people to come and go, or get outside for a smoke if so inclined?  Are there enough bathrooms for the size of your party? How close are the neighbours?  Can you contain the noise and music?  Is there a large, open central area where people can mingle, and get a drink?  Are there separate rooms which can be used as a more private play space away from this?  Where will people change, and store their clothes?  How easy is it going to be to clean up mess afterwards (and oh, boy will there be mess- from spilled red wine to high heel scuffs to used condoms every nook and cranny).  How easy is it going to be to get whatever you need to prepare to?  If you are carrying drinks, decorations and sheets up 6 floors with a broken lift, you’ll quickly regret your choice of venue.

Look carefully at the terms and penalties in the contract if you are renting- if there is a penalty for damage or for breaking non party conditions, make sure you’ve accounted for the full possible cost (£500 for a broken bed is no laughing matter).  Some rental apps or agencies will also track your feedback and bear in mind the effect this could have on any future plans you have for using the service.

Ambience – Your venue needs to feel special and welcoming.  How are you going to do a rapid makeover to create a sexy atmosphere with the space you have?  You’ll want to set aside the whole day before the party to setting up.  You’ll need to bring cleaning supplies, give the place a good going over, switch the bedsheets to dark or luxurious colours and fabrics (a good quality waterproof undersheet is a definite must), pack away pillows and duvets out of sight, and consider how you can best protect any other furniture that play might ensue on without making it look like the place has been covered with dustsheets.  How is the lighting?  Lighting can transform a mood.  Battery powered fairylights in white can give a special feel, as can battery operated artificial tealights (be careful considering candles- risk of wax spill or fire are real).  Switching the lightbulbs for red ones can instantly transform the vibe.  What touches can you add that will create the setting you and your guests will enjoy?  Does it work as a unified theme?

All things considered, you may prefer to rent a space designated for parties- if this is the case, what are the restrictions on alcohol and who will run the bar?  What are the time limits?  What sort of play space will there be?  Is it suitably private, with the right furniture?  Is it going to be cost effective?  Running a party from a private room in a bar or club is unlikely to work out in most cases – unless the landlord is inclined to participate.  There are a number of sex clubs and events venues that cater to the swing lifestyle- you might find it easier to negotiate a party deal with the licencee (say, a VIP area and other touches) for hosting your event, and rely on the set up, bar, security and equipment already being there for you to use.

The guest list

When inviting, always invite double the amount.  You need to network to get the reliable numbers and build your reputation.  Couples will attend if they know at least another couple there or a couple they want to meet.  Let them get to know each other beforehand and build anticipation.  Guestlists work that way.  Organising an event isn’t easy- it’s a lot of hard work.  If you do it often it seems almost like a full time job.  Remember faces and names, it can be hard, but make your guests feel special and they will likely attend next time.

Mae, 30, unicorn

Size matters– How big is your party going to be?  It might be a good idea to start very small and learn from what works and what doesn’t, before you scale things up.  A nice dinner with say, one or two other couples can realistically be moved to a large hotel room for end of evening frolics.  Anything more and you’ll need a much bigger space.  It can be difficult to know how big it’s going to get, and plenty of new party organisers have ended up with it being just themselves, and perhaps a lone male stalking around, from what ought to have been a set gender ratio party of 10.  How well can you scale up or down your plans to suit the numbers?

Who are your guests? –  There are many types of swingers.  As well as considering gender ratios, you need to consider the ratios of the types of people you are inviting, and how they will work together.  Are the couples soft or full swap?  Hotwives or unicorn hunters?  Singles, couples, polycules?  Straight, gay, bisexual, heteroflexible?  Cisgender or trans?  Will you allow single men, or just couples and single girls?  If it’s the latter, consider the motivation for the single girls may be reduced significantly.  Are there already existing friendship groups you can invite together?  What is the age range of your guests?  Will everyone feel comfortable together? Will they be attracted to each other? Who already knows whom, and how do they get on?  Are there existing friendship groups you can invite together?  Nobody wants to feel like they are the only one who knows nobody at a party, or that they don’t fit in for some reason.  Consider who your core likely attendees are going to be, and ask them to recommend people they know and like.  If you are approaching people to be guests from cold, you’ll need to spend time talking to them to build trust and meet them in person to establish they will be okay, and that they are in fact who they say they are.  Consider the time and travel implications of this.  Most commercial party sites will not allow you to advertise a private event on the forums, and may well ban you if you try.

A great way to build a sense of familiarity and heighten sexual tension before the event is to make use of technology and set up a group on Whatsapp, KIK, telegram or other messenger devices (not everyone will have the same ones).  When your guests have been invited, offer to put them on the chat group.  They can see who will be going, chat beforehand and get an idea of who they might click with in person.  People can become great friends in this way, even if they rarely meet in person.  You’ll need to set ground rules for conduct on the chat groups, and act as both moderator and entertainer pretty much 24 hours a day.  You’ll need to handle complaints from potential guests about other guests, questions, changes of plan, problems that crop up, maintaining banter and flow. It can be great fun to have, say, selfie contests, make up limericks about each other, or ask people about their preferences (for drinks, food, and sexual play).  Once people are looking forward to meeting each other, they are much more likely to show up on the day.  Even so, bear in mind that some people will cancel a few days before, and some will simply not make it on the night.  This can be from 0-100%.  That’s just how it goes.

Most people appreciate feeling valued and you may find people volunteer to help out.  Can someone make a song list and be the DJ?  Mix cocktails?  Help greet guests as they arrive?  Help lead the chat in the run up to the event?  Help recruit and vet people? It’s helpful if people feel like a part of the project rather than a customer, but you also have to be completely prepared to manage without them if they don’t show up or come very late.  It’s great to give people roles they want, but always have a robust backup plan.  Giving people roles makes them feel special, valued and important, and people on the swing scene absolutely love to feel important!  One of the most successful commercial party organisers I know of has built their empire on just this premise- they get people to plug away heart and soul for free at roles with an enthusiasm they could never have generated by employing them, simply by giving them titles, a little power and kudos.

Your starter party won’t have that kind of clout, but you may be able to use the same strategy on a more personal level- if people want to impress you or be liked by you – cement their relationship/friendship with you- then they are going to go out of their way to show you just how amazingly they can perform in a role they enjoy.  Your’s truly is no more immune to the lure of demonstrating my skill and usefulness for someone I like than anyone else is.   We live in a world where everyone feels undervalued and unappreciated, so when we come to the scene to build our little sandcastles and recreate ourselves in the image we like to see, we are vulnerable to exploitation.  You can use this to your advantage.  It’s not necessarily an unkind thing to do; just keep in mind that your helpers will have their own rewards they are looking to get out of it and be sure you deliver on these.  You will then be considered a great leader and social networker.  If you don’t deliver on the needs of your helpers they will become resentful.  Think carefully about what it is they need from you to remain happy.

 

Costs and adding value

Charging– Is this going to be a free event?  If so, what will it cost you? If you are looking to break even, what do you need to charge, and how many guests will you need? Can you get them to pay in advance?  How does the cost compare to the commercial parties?  Are you going to charge everyone the same?  Many events are free for single girls or very discounted.  Will you do the same?  You will, most likely, find the single women to be in shortest supply and hardest to retain.  What happens if you end up with none?  Can you get a unicorn heard on board with your event – it would certainly help.

Adding value – Some things to are consider are what you’ll be including.  Can people sleep over afterwards?  If so, can will you add a charge for this?  How much space is there for this and how will you allocate it fairly?  Is it first paid first served?  Is there food?  Snacks?  Drinks?  Free alcohol?  If you plan to charge for alcohol have you considered you’d need a liquor licence?  How much alcohol do you want people to have, considering you are responsible for controlling the party and maintaining safety?

Do you have entertainment?  A show?  Striptease?  Sexy party games?  Ice breaker activities?  What is it that the people are actually perceiving they will get from what you are offering?  How can you make it tempting?  Can you share nice photos of the venue?  Discuss the things that will be happening?  You need to convince them that they are getting a great deal and can trust you, to both not run off with their money or put on a poor event, and to maintain safe and sexy environs, where they can relax and enjoy themselves.  Single girls will be the hardest to convince, have the most other offers and be the most likely to bail for a last minute date.  Think hard about what it is you are offering them in particular to ensure they come.  There are a few things I’d suggest:

a) a sense of belonging:  Make sure they aren’t the only single girl.  Ask them to bring female friends.  Consider what you will do if they ask to bring a male to the party.  Although they may still be happy to swap and swing, they may not.  But if you refuse, they most likely won’t attend.  They aren’t a bowl of peanuts for the couples to share.

b) positive attention:  Use your group chat to allow them to show off and feel adored.  Things can actually get quite competitive in the selfie stakes!  I’d never realised the easiest way to get beautiful women to send you hundreds of naked poses was to get them competing against the others.

c) Really good looking men and women, especially single men.  Most of your unicorns don’t plan on being unicorns forever.  If there are men they want to meet that they consider they have a chance for more than sex with, they have an incentive to show up.  Add too many single men, and the men of couples will complain that it’s a ‘cock fest’.  It’s a fine line.  You also have to consider the atmosphere of a party that ends up male-heavy can seem incredibly intimidating to everyone.  Choose very carefully.

By and large, the main attraction for all your other guests is going to be the single girls themselves.  Consider what the unicorns are drawn to, and what puts them off.  The better you can make it for them, the more of them you will get, and the more likely your other guests are to make the effort to attend.  After all, who doesn’t love the idea of being in a party full of unicorns?

Party on!

Hosting your own party can be quite an experience, but because you will be so busy both before and during the night it can also be exhausting and stressful.  You may feel like you didn’t really get a chance to enjoy it in the way you’d hoped or make the most of it in the way the guests did.  On the plus side, if you invite people to your events they will probably invite you to theirs too, so it can still be worthwhile.  There is also a bit of an intellectual/power buzz about hosting your own event and arranging it all that you simply can’t replicate as a guest, and can be a great bonding activity to organise with a partner or small friend group.  It’s a steep learning curve, and your fourth party will be head and shoulders above your first.  When you attend other private parties, note what works well and where they fail.  It can take something as simple as the wrong light levels or temperature to ruin the mood.  Be sure to show your guests you value them personally and keep in touch with them between parties – this will keep them close to you and available for the future, as well as likely to say good things about your events to others they speak to.  People who are only ever contacted when you want them to make up numbers for something will feel used and jaded.  They may choose to go elsewhere.

Hosting is by no means a compulsory part of your evolution as a libertine or swinger, however it does often come up as an idea in the early to mid stages of your development.  With these issues in mind, you may be able to pull off a truly stunning event, but there will always be compromises to be had between the various factors.  Have fun my baby ducklings, and send me my free ticket on twitter.

xx

Getting your partner to agree to a threesome

There are quite a few pieces already written on this, but I’m going to try to break it down for you.  Assuming you are with a partner in some sort of exclusive arrangement, and have met them via the vanilla world, it can be a worrying issue to bring up.  If you are not exclusive, or met them via the swing or sex scene, you will likely be less concerned about how to discuss it.  As women tend to feel more secure in raising the issue of adding a spare F for sex, this will mostly be discussed from the male perspective.  This is not to say women are not the instigators:  In a large number of couples, it is the woman who spearheads the conversation and is the more active unicorn hunter.  These women just don’t really need advice on how to go about it.

There are a few different angles you need to consider, for which there may be trade-offs to negotiate:

What you want

woman wearing gray sweater dress
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You may have an idea in your head about what it is you are looking for, but how well formed is it?  What are the main criteria?  Are you looking to explore new sexual adventures with your partner?  Tick a box off your sexual bucket list?  Have you always wanted a two-girl blowjob?  Do you fantasise about seeing your partner with another woman?  Are you wishing for an ongoing polyamorous relationship?  Do you just want an excuse to have sex with other people without getting in trouble?  If you can be honest with yourself first about what it is you are really hoping for, you can approach the endeavour with better clarity, and make choices about how and if to approach your partner.  It will also help when you come to look for a unicorn.

What your partner wants

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You may have an idea in your head about your partner’s sexual likes, adventurous nature and how secure they feel to explore with you, or allow you to explore.  This is not necessarily the whole picture.  Just as you have settled into a comfortable pattern with her, she has settled into one with you.  Disrupting the status quo can be scary, and if you are vague about your reasons or what you want, they may react with anger or sadness based on being made suddenly insecure or feeling less valued.  For this reason, it is worth finding out more about your partner’s thoughts before asserting your own.  This is not always a simple thing, as many women have a tendency to say what they think you want to hear, and are acutely aware that they will be judged much more harshly as a woman and categorised as a slut if they express anything beyond mono vanilla desires. You’ll need to pick your time and context for discussion well, and make sure it feels like a safe space for her to open up.  If your relationship is new, on rocky ground or you’ve made her feel less than adored so far, expect a fiery response.

What your relationship needs

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There are as many types of relationship as there are people.  Assuming a chance to play around on the swing scene is a lower priority to you than maintaining your current relationship, you need to set aside your own aspirations for a moment and examine what it is your relationship, as it stands, actually needs.  Do you spend adequate quality time together?  Do you have shared goals you are working towards?  How will swinging fit in with them?  Is doing this going to affect the way you view each other, and if so is it going to be positive or negative?  How can you protect what you already have?

What you need to capture a unicorn

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I’ve put this last, as it’s usually considered last.  Assuming all the other considerations go swimmingly, you may well find you have negotiated a situation in which you have reduced your potential unicorn pool to practically zero.  Though the wishes for yourself, your partner and your relationship may be the foremost considerations in your own mind, they are of no benefit or relevance to her.  It is at this point, you may find you have to go back to the drawing board, and establish whether what you have to offer her is really of any interest.  ‘A chance to play about with me and my missus for hot sex’ really isn’t going to cut it.  Oddly, your girlfriend, who may be really up for the notion of playing as the primary female, is likely to completely forget how she herself would have responded in the shoes of a single female to that same offer.  If you are looking for an ongoing relationship or friendship with an intended unicorn, treat her that way.  If you are looking to hunt her down for one off sex and show off your sexual prowess as a couple, you’re going to have to show her you are both really something special.

Having considered these angles, and formulated in your own mind whether this is something that could work for you, your partner, your relationship and indeed the reality of finding your spare F, you come to the point of deciding how best to go about the first steps.  There is nothing wrong with deciding not to proceed.  It’s not obligatory to have a threesome, now or ever.  In fact, if you are trying to do it for the wrong reasons, even if you succeed in ticking the box, it’s going to be a shambles.  For you, it may be best to remain a fantasy.  You and your partner may enjoy watching threesome porn, talking about what it would be like with each other, reading erotic fiction about it.  Nothing spoils a nice fantasy like a healthy dose of reality.  You’ve been warned.  You may be quite happy to use the concept as arousal material without ever doing it for real.  And that is okay.

So what methods can you use to raise the threesome question with your partner?

a) Extremely casually and indirectly

Talk about your individual sexual fantasies.  Play a couples card game with a truth or dare theme. Watch a documentary about swinging.  Read an article about it.  Discuss friends you know who swing (I guarantee you, you will have some who do, whether or not you realise it).  Ask her opinion on it.  Don’t let your fear of how she might respond come across as a negative attitude to it, or she will follow your lead and say what she thinks you expect her to.  Discuss it as an interesting social phenomenon.  The history of monogamy and multiple partners.  The difference between sex and love.  The nature of bisexuality in women.  Is it something she has ever experienced?  Thought about?  You are going to have to take cues from how she responds to direct your angle appropriately. It may be better to bring it up again at another time, or drop it for good.  If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider what it is you value more at present.   If she is honest, avoid being resentful.  After all, you asked her opinion.  She may have not considered it before, or thought you wouldn’t be interested.  She may take some time and change her mind in the future, if she has an idea that it’s something you might have a casual, non-threatening interest in trying.  After all, if a woman loves you, she wants to do things for you to make you happy.

b) Straight up and direct

It may be that you have a very open, honest dynamic already, or that you are very much used to taking the lead in your relationship, including sexually.  If this is the case, you are going to have a relatively easy time in directing her to what you are hoping to try next. In some ways, this can be quite freeing for the woman- she is spared any sense that she will be judged for what she does- after all, it was all your idea.  In this format, be careful to be specific about what it is you do and don’t want.  For example, you may say you don’t want her to have sex with any other men (limiting your own frolics with full-swap couples too) or that you want to take her to a sex party and just be together with each other, in a sexy environment.  If you are clear about the limits of what you want at the moment, it will be less worrying for her.  Most women have at least a small element of jealousy and insecurity inside them, that you don’t want to trigger.  It is not unknown for men to go off with a unicorn they shared with their partner and start a new relationship. She will intuitively be aware of this.  If you start out with something simple and non-threatening, you can always discuss going further another time, after you have both had a little experience of the scene and opportunity to process your feelings about it.

c) Make it about her

This really isn’t going to work unless she has at least a little bit of sexual curiosity and some latent bisexual leanings.  It’s a tad manipulative, and if your girlfriend isn’t game for it in herself, it’s going to backfire.  In this mode, you present yourself as really wanting to go further to please her.  To worship her sexually.  To help her fulfil her own fantasies.  Be warned, she may end up wanting something you didn’t intend, like a cuckold situation or a threesome with 2 men.  If this is the case, there’s not much you can do about it.  Pandora’s box is open, and you asked for it.  Whatever you do, don’t try to mix this approach with approach D, or it will come off as horribly insincere and she will think you are a manipulative, lying dickhead.

d) Play her

If you have a relationship where your woman is a bit insecure, you can use this to your advantage.  I’m not recommending this method because:

i) You need to work on your relationship first, and swinging will likely break it apart

ii) She’s likely to go along with it without wanting to, which will cause her pain, and the unicorns will sense her reticence, which will put them off

iii) There’s enough sociopathic behaviour on the scene already.

iv) There’s potential for drama creation when it comes to the meet/party, and I hate drama.

Nonetheless, here’s how you do it.  You use a little reverse psychology.  Bring up the issue of threesomes and how sexually hot it is, but that’s okay that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s a ‘nice girl’.  It’s a shame you won’t get to have one while you’re with her, but that’s OKAY, as she has some other qualities.  Like being a good cook.  Being organised.  It’s OKAY that you guys will never be Bonnie and Clyde, out hunting women together and having that fun, exciting sexual connection together.  Sometimes you have to trade off having fun sex for a relaxing home life.

Obviously, she will immediately object to being cast as a matronly, non-sexual archetype, and seek to prove you wrong- that she can, indeed, be all the things you want and more. Because that, my baby ducklings, is what women do.  They want to be your everything. Your friend, your hot lover, your solace, your domestic Goddess.  They want you to be all things to them as well.  Basically, she will do it in order to prove herself, and because she doesn’t want to lose you.  Longer term, this will actually probably lead you to lose all respect for her and go elsewhere anyway, but this isn’t a tutorial on relationships.

Other options

If you really don’t feel like you can raise the issue any of these ways, or you do it and your partner is not up for it, you need to consider how important achieving a threesome is to you.  If it really is do or die, then you are going to have to do one of the following:

a) Cheat.

Yup.  Of the many ‘single guys’ on the scene, a lot of them are playing without permission.  If this seems a step to far and your missus is understanding but not remotely bi, then you may be able to get her to agree to giving you a hall pass.  This might be for a week or month, or indefinitely.  There are likely to be conditions attached to it, as to what you may and may not do without her.  If you violate these terms, it really is just the same as cheating (in her eyes), so be careful to what you agree to and make sure it’s realistic.  By imposing terms, it allows her to feel a sense of control about what is happening, and compartmentalise it.  If you violate the terms, she will feel not only cheated on, but that you broke the rules WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO SO. Somehow, that is actually worse.

b) Break up

If your sexual tastes are really so very different, then you need to consider that this is an aspect of incompatibility that is unlikely to change, however well suited you might feel you are otherwise.  If anything, the sex will get worse and more boring.  It always does. Breaking up because you want to explore your sexuality does not make you a dickhead. It is a fair and legitimate reason, whatever people might say.  Some journeys, you can take together.  Some, you really can’t.  If you really want to swing with a partner, go on the scene as a single guy and choose a woman who swings.  There are loads of them, most of whom are seeking a long term partner they can swing with, but are happy to ‘try before they buy’.  Short term partnerships can be fun too, and just as intense as anything you’ve encountered in the vanilla world.  Swinging as a single guy is, in many ways, easier than as a couple, provided you make some single female friends.  Treat them nicely and they will be the gatekeeper to a world of adventures for you.  Piss them off and you’ll struggle.  The unicorns are not solitary creatures; when you meet one, you meet a whole hive of connections.  Bear this in mind.

At the end of the day, you are in the best place to judge how your partner will respond, and what method will work with her.  There is no point resenting her or trying to pressure her into something if it’s not what she wants.  How would you feel if she was trying to pressure you into sex with another man?  Having said that, a great number of women are at least slightly bicurious, and may be happy to say, kiss another woman and stroke her breasts in front of you.  For some reason, a lot of women imagine that performing oral on another woman will be disgusting.  Fortunately, with very few exceptions, it tastes like chicken, and a darn sight better than the taste of cock.  Women are also generally quite understanding that men have a biological drive to conquer and spread their seed – to have sex with different types of women.  No woman believes she can be all of them for you, though she might wish to.  Generally, women are just happy to know that you like her the best, above and beyond all others.  That you find her hot, above and beyond all others.  That she has a special sacrosanct place somewhere in your heart.  They relish the opportunity to fill a new role with you, as your partner in crime having secret sexual adventures together, and being this amazingly fun, sexual being for you.  Your reticence isn’t that you are asking for something unreasonable- it is your fear of asking wrong and upsetting her, or your fear that you are, in at least some small part, doing it just to get guilt-free sex with other women.  The more you can consider things from her perspective and present it as a joint enterprise for you both to enjoy, the better it will go down.  And going down well is always a fine thing indeed. 😉

Time for that chat, Baby Ducklings xx

 

Unicorn interviews 5: The BDSM unicorn

So, what brought you to the scene originally?
It’s one of those things where you can look back and go, ‘oh yeah, those adverts from the sixties that are horribly sexist, with some housewife being spanked because she bought the wrong coffee…’ I remember being fascinated by them, I mean I couldn’t have described it, and I couldn’t have told you that that was what was interesting, but I do remember that there was something fascinating about it. I’ve always had quite vanilla partners, and there’s only so far you can push people, when it’s not their thing. Also without feeling like you are doing it wrong somehow.  Since my late teens when people started to talk about it, I knew what I had to do was different, and I knew I was getting it wrong. Because, you know, nice girls stay at home, and there’s all that kind of attitude still, so I just figured I had to tone it down a little and keep quiet, and do the normal thing.
How long have you been on the scene for?
I’m pretty new to the scene. It’s been about three or four months. Scary!
What are your observations so far?
For me, it was definitely s feeling of finding my tribe. So for me it’s been a very comfortable thing.  Also I haven’t come to it at 21, which for me I think has been a good thing.  I’ve come at a point where I’m really comfortable with this, because it is what I enjoy and I’m finding good people to enjoy it with, and friends, and the social scene, and all that side of it as well, which I think is important.  It’s not just I did this, or I did them. But its the whole kind of environment.  And I think that’s kind of essential. I don’t know if I’d have been as comfortable, or as confident in my early 20’s.
Which venues do you like the most?
I haven’t been around that long, so a limited amount. Torture Garden was my entry in, which I think it probably is for quite a few people. It’s fun there. And I love dress up in any way, shape or form. I have given drawers full of underwear and things that have had limited view time, so I think that’s actually..I know people get a bit snobby about it? Especially on the kink side? Kink light- in inverted commas. Actually I think there’s room for that kind of thing. It’s a damn good club night, with everything involved. Having said that, now I’ve kind of -about to say progressed. I’m not sure it is- but I’ve just ventured out.  I like DVS. Good nights there. It’s very newbie friendly. Can’t say I’ve done masses of events. I like Subversion Noir. That was, that was actually- I think I was a bit terrified of going.
So do you just do the BDSM events, or the swing ones too?
So I’ve done that night which was between the two. I’d say it was more swing oriented. I’ve been less confident about going to the swing stuff on my own. I think, because the impression I got, from random conversation and people’s impression of it, and also just because my initial exploration was around the BDSM side, having said that, I’ve every intention of going to Le Boudoir. That’s great, and I’m very comfortable.
They do have a dungeon downstairs too.
For me it’s not all or nothing. You know what I mean? It’s not that there’s any…some people like it isn’t..I totally respect it. Great, enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy. It’s like some people are into rope and that’s their thing, and that’s their only thing. Great! Enjoy. I like the variety.
How do you find people’s approaches have been? Have you had mostly single men, or couples approach, girls?
Yeah. It’s been more, I’d say.. so I’m on Fet**, and that’s how I got into it. So that is a lot of single guys. A lot with one line. You could do a course on that- how to write something! There’s a girl’s group that we’ve got- just a chat group- and we do actually regularly talk- there will be guys who scatter-gun copy and paste to basically the entire group. Now I have no problem, it’s a swinging site. It’s not about being a special snowflake, and that kind of thing. But girls talk! And it’s just entertaining. Especially when you see it across 14 different girls, you think ‘well, you’ve been busy’.
Does it make you feel less special?
Yeah. But I mean I didn’t come into it looking for a relationship, so I think that makes a big difference. So I think if what you want is a one to one, then you’re going to – a one to one partnership and you might swing, or a partnership where you get into kink and BDSM and that side of things, I think that’s actually harder, because it’s intrinsically a very open and very play-oriented place. There is a bit of an assumption that you’ll be up to it with everyone.
So you think it’s a good scene for singles, as opposed to couples?
Um, I think it depends what you want. I think if what you want is a relationship, that’s harder. I’ve fallen into one, which I wasn’t expecting at all, and wasn’t what I was looking for. We decided last week to call ourselves ‘dating’, we are not monogamous, because I think that would fail miserably, especially on my side. I’m probably more on the poly side than he is. We are taking it slowly and seeing how it goes. But I wasn’t looking for that. That wasn’t something that I went in for.
Do you think the two of you will be picking up single girls together?
Not at this stage. See it’s funny, because I’ve played with couples and I really enjoy it. That wasn’t something I went in thinking I had a particular…I like the idea of two guys, I didn’t have a particular thing in my head for a couple. But actually not just a guy and a girl- but a couple- where they’ve got a dynamic they’ve built: that place – there’s something about that I really enjoy When they are really comfortable with it.
So you are a true unicorn?
Yeah. And I didn’t know I – I mean it’s a term that sound’s nice. I’ll show you something because it will make you laugh – I did find a unicorn T shirt that I didn’t buy at TK Maxx because it’s a stupid amount of money for what it was, but I did take photos of it because I found it entertaining. Yeah, it’s all things. I’m Bi in the sense that I’m sexually attracted to women, I’ve never had a relationship with a woman- but I would have no particular problem- I have gone on dates with them – so for me there’s something about the couple dynamic that’s really attractive to me, if they’re in it together. I’ve had an experience where I was definitely the tick-list of ‘I’ve now slept with a woman’, and that was rather enjoyable! But it was early stages and you live and learn anyway, and make clearer what’s okay for you as well. That’s part of why I’m glad I didn’t come into it at 21, where I’d have felt like hell, and probably felt hugely insecure and horrible about the whole thing. This was like ‘Oh, okay’. Not something I’d do again. Not something I’m prepared to be again, but it’s not the end of the world.
So the couples that you decided to meet with- what was it that made you choose them out of all the, presumably, hundreds and hundreds, you get?
To be honest, they’ve been accidental for the most part. My first couple was before I came out on the scene. I was in America; in Miami, in a club, hammered. And a couple picked me up. It was totally unexpected. I would never in a million years have thought it, and I had a really good time. That was part of that whole kind of route into the scene. It is what I enjoy, and kind of- why am I not at least trying it to know? So the couple stuff has- I think it’s much trickier with messaging. I’m much more wary about it. It’s much harder just in terms of time. Finding time to meet people, finding time to meet a couple. Seeing if you get on with both of them. At events, it’s very comfortable. Because obviously you’re not trying to date them. You’re you know, it’s kind of an intrinsic thing. The downside of that is, for me it’s more about them – the couple, so I’m very aware of not pushing beyond boundaries that are clear it’s okay for me to go there? And obviously if you meet a couple after you, you can kind of expand those boundaries and its comfortable, and playful I suppose.
When do you think couples should talk about their boundaries, if they’ve decided on any?
I think they should have a good discussion. Because what it means, particularly if you are involving the BDSM side of it, it could have no sexual play, give or take. I have been in that position of not knowing ‘well can I kiss someone?’ or…it’s very much, for the most part, guys have no problem with you kissing their girlfriends, they are really fine with that! But then is she okay with me kissing him? That kind of thing. So for me, it’s a lot more attractive if they know where they stand, and the last thing I ever want to do is mess around someone else’s relationship. If it’s not right, don’t do it. Don’t do it because it’s on a website, or because it’s the thing you’re supposed to do to show you love them. You don’t. And if it is, what that would look like, is going to be different for everyone. I’m just starting to think, ‘well that’s something I have to think about’, dating someone. What am I comfortable with? I don’t entirely know. Some of that is, I guess, the person you’re with at the time and people you’re with, and keep talking about it?
Why do you think most couples have so much trouble finding a unicorn and closing the deal?
I think partly it is kind of intimidating coming into a couple’s dynamic. You know, if you’re in a good relationship, you’re a couple. As someone who likes that side of it, I quite like being fairly objectified- I like being the object of play, that’s fun for me. But it could mean that I could end up feeling very alone at the end of it, if I wasn’t comfortable, if things didn’t go the right way. If they just decided, ‘oh we don’t want to do this now,’ because they’re a couple then it makes a different kind of unit? So I think if you’re single then there’s a bit of an awareness of that. Also, you’ve got to be attracted to both of them. Both physically and who they are- because if you’re into the BDSM side rather than just the swinging side, then you’ve also got that element. Do you fit? Are the things that you like the same?
Do you find the treatment you get from people on the BDSM scene and the swing scene, in terms of couples, is quite different? Are there expectations?
Again, I can’t pretend to have any sort of expertise, partly because I’ve only had limited experience, and my swinging experience has been more sex stuff rather than couples, so I don’t know if I can give a really good answer to that. I’d say there’s a bit of a difference around the concept. So BDSM tends to be a lot more ‘ask first,’ you know, ‘what do you like, what’s okay?’ I think there is a little bit sometimes that the couples look for someone who is comfortable, or wants to do the things that maybe one of them doesn’t, or one of them would like to try. So if someone wants to try the cane and the other half isn’t into it, it’s okay doing it on someone else. whereas swinging isn’t like that. It’s more of a threesome, in that respect. But it’s a bit more ‘consent implied?’ Obviously you could say no at any time, and obviously that’s fine. It feels like a conversation. You don’t have a specific conversation before you start anything, of ‘where can I touch you, what are the no go areas,’ that kind of thing.
If you had a few top tips to give to a couple who decided to do this, and were totally new to it, what would you tell them? What is your main advice, from your experience?
Be really honest with yourselves about what it is you actually want. I mean it’s a nice thing, it’s like ‘I’m bored, we want another girl to play with’ – but to do what? Because if you know what you want, you’re much more likely to find someone who’s into a similar thing. And how that would work. And just kind of the basics, I mean can you accommodate, and a certain amount of reassurance about being normal human beings with lives and all that kind of thing. Because I think sometimes you can get caught up in this myth of who you have to be, and it’s …everyone has profiles.. it’s no different from the Instagram thing, everyone is showing a version of themselves, so it’s okay to, particularly if you are looking for something regular. I do things – I went to an event, which was very couple heavy. It’s a new one. And actually I think if you’re a newbie couple in general, it would be a really good type of thing. You’ve got singles and couples, it’s quite couple heavy, so it’s not just ‘you as a couple and a load of single people going, “Hey do you want me to play?”‘
That does tend to be a common scenario
I can see from that point of view as well, if you’re that couple, it’s very hard not to feel like you’re being predatory I’d have thought, even if you’re not, because it’s two against one, automatically. I do think there’ s something where it’s easier, and I’m saying this obviously because I’m bi and I love it too, it’s probably easier if women chat. But be really aware that someone might not like both of you. It think that’s just kind of…
Do you think couples should be more willing to split off?
Honestly, only if it’s a really good thing for them, I don’t think they should do it for the sake of ‘yeah there’s someone else,’ and I have heard stories from people where they’ve tried to get either the guy or the girl has approached them as a single person, and pulled them in as a dating thing, and then gone ‘oh, we’d like to introduce you,’ and actually introduce their actual partner.
Yes.
It’s a nasty thing to do.
I’ve got a blog post on that! (How to fool a unicorn: The Silver Bullet)
It’s one of those things where you’re just like, ‘that’s a lot a) that’s a lot of work, b) that’s a really shitty thing to do to someone. Don’t do that!
It’s very often tried and very rarely done well. If it’s done well, you literally never know.
Seems like a lot of effort. I mean, I like straight talking. It’s one of the things I really like about both sides of the scene. It’s the straightforward honesty. I’m looking for sex. I’m looking for kink. I’m looking for someone to play with. I’m looking for someone to be my partner for ever. Or one of my multiple partners. And I really like this. It’s actually something, in more vanilla life is..amiss. I like it very direct, but I think an element of that would help most people’s relationships. That kind of ‘well what do I actually want?’ and the ability to say it. And if it’s not right for both of you then it’s not, and people have emotional egos and all that kind of thing, and egos get bruised I think. It’s also a reality sometimes you will get rejected, and it sucks. Even if it’s just on a night out, you know. That sucks. And that’s part of it. If that’s what you’re looking for, that’s kind of okay? No-one is going to be the right thing for everyone every time. It still sucks when it’s someone you quite like and, you know. Or everyone else seems to be getting it right and getting it together, and you’re like ‘Sigh. I’ll just go home then’. You know. I think there’s that side of it, which can be missed, because we are talking about all the wonderful swinging times we’re having, and they are. They’re great! I really enjoy myself. But, you know. You’ll always get an ebb and flow. I think whether you are a couple or single, the key is knowing what you actually want and why. If you’re not sure, wait. Find it because it’s right, not just because you have to tick it off a list. It’s not going to be great. And not everything’s for everyone.

**Fetlife website

Image from https://www.pinterest.co.uk/bobbiesteuart/shoes/?lp=true

Feeld as a single female

Dating apps have come a long way.  For every niche interest, there seems to be one.  Or ten.  A few days ago, I joined Feeld as a single female.  Lest you think I was performing some sort of seductive trickery, allow me to clarify.  My profile picture was an overexposed silhouette of my face with shades on in the sunshine, so I’m glowing like a featureless alien.  My profile states exactly what I’m doing there.

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In less than 12 hours, I had over 1800 ‘curiosities’ (people waiting to match with me).  A couple of days later, I’m up to 2881.  Every person I swiped right on was an instant match.  I got up to 65 active matches before it became too unwieldy to manage the conversations.  Sorry to those who got frustrated and left before I could speak to them, I’d need a whole team of secretaries to stay on top of the apparent 10-30 minute window of expectation many had of a reply.  As a good and wise friend of mine said recently, ‘It’s fine to be intense, but you can still be rational.’

The first evening, I select a cute but inappropriately young single guy from the matches and we meet for a discussion.  We talk a bit about the app and he says there are hardly any single women on it.  Indeed, though I selected my matches indiscriminately from all categories as they appeared, I did not match with one single girl.  He says there are perhaps 20 single girls within his realistic travelling area.  I can believe it.  In addition to the disproportionate number of couples and single guys on other sex apps, Feeld is clearly aimed at unicorn hunting.  The number of single girls who actively seek this out is very low.  The girls who want this are usually pretty busy fielding their abundant prospects elsewhere.

The system of the app makes it difficult to identify whether someone has just matched with you or has sent a message, and the message reading system has some bugs in it that stop them showing unless you go in and out of the app repeatedly.  I thought this might be my phone, but many of the other users said the same.  There were a limited number of search options in terms of preferences, and limited required details for each profile. As rather an Amazonian, it would be helpful, for example, to specify men over my own height (a bit of a rarity).  You can set proximity, age range and type of profile.  That’s pretty much it.  There’s no search function by name or for friends, despite having the option to put your matches into groups.  So though I had some nice prospects I might have liked to share with my unicorn circle, I had no hope of actually finding them and putting anything together.

On the plus side, there are a huge number of very attractive single men on there- and furthermore men who are game for something more interesting than standard vanilla sex.  If you are a single girl seeking a hot single guy for MFF or kink, it’s an absolute treasure trove.  They tend to state their interests in little bubbles on the profile pages (which unfortunately you can’t search by), but you can rapidly see if your cute single guy is likely to press your buttons, and there’s no awkward ‘at what point do I bring this up so as to not waste time but also not be categorised as a voracious slut’ moment, like with many other apps.

Conclusion:  Guys and couples looking for a single girl are likely to struggle.  Kinky or swinger girls are likely to feel like they’ve struck oil.  So when you are having a Bonnie Tyler moment, and wondering where all the good men have gone, have a look on Feeld. That’s where they went.

 

Happy hunting, my baby ducklings!  xx

Hunting unicorns

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Welcome to your new bible.

This series of blogs will tell you everything you need to know about how to up your game and capture the elusive spare F for fun, frolics and drama-free living.  We aren’t talking pick-up artist theory, or relationship advice. This guide is for one thing only: making you a premiere hunter for ‘MFF’- the fantasy threesome with two women.

Whether you are a couple or a single man or woman, your strategy is what will make or break your success rate.  It’s not about your looks, your age, your income, your ability or lack thereof in the vanilla dating world.   This is a different game altogether. And I will be your gracious guide.

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This blog series will examine step by step the things you need to know and practice, to stop you from shooting yourself in the foot every time a prime unicorn comes by.  We will pull apart advice and anecdotes from unicorns, couples and single men, looking at the strategies that have worked for them and those that haven’t, gaining insight into the workings of the unicorn mind, utilising a wealth of knowledge from many decades worth of collective experience.

 

The scene is full of extremely attractive couples seeking unicorns,people-154111_1280 and there are very few true unicorns to be had. But these couples strike out a whole lot more than you might imagine- and it’s for a few really simple yet serious reasons.  With a slight shift of perspective, you can be cleaning up where all their shots are flying wide of the mark.  So settle in, sign up and prepare for your crash course in advanced unicorn hunting.

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