December is the season of the Big Handsome Man (BHM)

If ever there is a time of year where there is a celebration of pleasure and indulgence over vanity, a time when a six-pack counts for nothing and everyone wants to feel a warm snuggle over a hard surface, it’s the depths of winter and Christmas in particular.  Not only is the season celebrated by its modern, pagan figurehead of mature, benevolent masculinity, Santa, but it is a time when Kingliness in all its forms (from Medieval tales like the Green Knight, to the figurehead of Christ as King and the celebration of benevolent male figures such as Joseph and the three wise men in Christianity) has its moment to shine.

Of course, a BHM (big handsome man) is not just for Christmas.  They exist all year round, yet somehow for December they certainly speak to something in the soul and libido.

Recently the ‘Dad bod’ has been the fashionable figure choice for men.  One can wonder whether this is a fad, as the Hollywood heartthrobs of the 90’s fill out in their 50’s. Is it a fondness for the ‘funny men’ of Hollywood like Jack Black and Seth Rogan, who rock a more comfortable physique with a twinkle in the eye and a cute yet manly face? Or maybe a backlash against the ‘gym culture’ of body sculpting and obsession with diet control, hours of working out each day and a discipline of self-deprivation to achieve underwear-model looks? Maybe simply an innate feeling within the soul that someone who can enjoy life and spends time socialising, enjoying good food and doing things other than obsessively working out (and looking at themselves in the mirror) might make a more enjoyable partner than the headless torsos posed on dating app profiles?

A BHM is something more than a Dad-bod though.  Where the dividing line lies isn’t entirely clear, and is largely a self-assigned title, yet it is definitely ‘a thing’. 

A male belly peeks out under a yellow shirt above his belt
Photo by Ehimetalor Unuabona 

Though the BBW (Big, beautiful Woman) movement is huge, and it is a body type that is widely preferred by many men and women alike, often highly fetishized and in many ways been deeply admired since the dawn of humanity (just look at the Neolithic relics and statues), the BHM appreciation movement is, in many ways, a lot less widespread in Western society.  This may be because femininity is emphasised by additional size: bigger breasts, bigger lips, bigger buttocks and softer skin.  A big, beautiful woman is seen as an intensely soft, sensual woman with all her most sexy feminine characteristics merged together into a whole combination of womanly, motherly and sexual features. 

Photo by AllGo – An App For Plus Size People 

That’s not to say that BBW’s necessarily have it easy- they are still fighting body shaming trolls on social media and in day to day life, told they are unhealthy or set a bad example, in a way that cocaine-fiend waifs on the catwalk are not.  Because modern Western society also places emphasis on women being of value due to having a certain ‘look’, which we are drip-fed every day by the media (young, slim yet curvy and large-breasted, toned and meek) even men who admire BBW’s sexually will often choose a partner who conforms to every stereotype that society tells them will give them status.

What about the BHM’s?  Does additional softness make them perceived as less manly?  Less dominant (which is a pretty archaic and toxic society judgement) or less virile?

A big handsome man in a check shirt sits in a cafe with a laptop
Photo by AllGo – An App For Plus Size People 

Perhaps this is the case, yet there is no reason this should be so.  For much of Western history, as well as currently in other regions of the world, a large man is considered an attractive and dominant man.  He’s the best hunter and provider. The chief of the village.  The man with the wealth to provide for 10 wives.  The man who knows how to enjoy the finer things in life.  It hints at a wild abandon, a hedonistic attitude, a savouring of all the finest things life has to offer.  It is no secret that the Marquis de Sade, that historical figure of lust, vice and political subversion, was confined for moral insanity and later died morbidly obese.  The paintings of Kings are not ‘photoshopped’ by the artists, who could easily have done so, to slim them down.  They wear their weight with pride, as a symbol of wealth, excess and joy.  What’s not to like about a man who can indulge, enjoy and take you on a journey of pleasure with all your senses?

Here are some reasons Big Handsome Men are automatically sexy:

  • Very thin men (BMI under 20) have 22x the risk of persistent erectile dysfunction and sexual problems than a man with a waist size up to 37 inches (That’s an XL-XXL waistband).  Over 40 inches, it’s only 1.71x more likely (2010 study)
  • When you sit down next to a BHM and look at your own thighs, you will feel dainty and feminine
  • You won’t feel like your BHM is worried about your cellulite or thinking that it’s time you had some cosmetic work done
  • You can order dessert at dinner and enjoy it without judgement
  • No bruised hip bones after sex
  • There are sexual positions that work best with a large body, which would be uncomfortable with a skinny one
  • After-sex cuddles are so much better
  • A BHM will have no problem lifting you up like a feather.  Beneath the soft outer layer lie muscles of steel.
  • Larger men last longer in bed – over 3x as long according to a 2010 study
  • Santa sexual role-play is much more convincing

Big guys are ‘Daddy’.  Comfy, cuddly, safe, old school masculine without the toxic masculinity.

James, 20’s, BHM fan

‘We do give good hugs’

Mr R, BHM

Perfect for dominance but then amazing for cuddles.  And always in the mood for snacks when you are.

Lucy Williams (Instagram), BHM fan

Good steaks are like good men.  The best ones have a little fat on them.

Funseekingguy (Twitter)

I see fat thighs as sexiness.  I get turned on by women’s thighs, boobs, lips, P***y lips, hips and bums.  Men’s c**k, nipples and bums…

Mr P (Fabswingers), BBW/BHM fan

I’ve never minded a bit of weight, on men or women.  I prefer women to look and feel soft, and a man with a bit of a Dad bod is my honest sexual preference. Though I won’t turn someone down for rippling abs, it just doesn’t matter that much to me.  I feel more comfortable with someone who has a more relaxed physique.  I like someone who has confidence and knows how to enjoy life, rather than spends their life obsessing over themselves at the gym and doing dry, bland meal prep every weekend.  I’m also quite tall, so unless a guy is really very tall, I feel like extra size helps me not to feel like a giant next to (or under) him.  Basically, one way or another, I want them to weigh more than I do.

Miss A, Dad bod/BBW/BHM fan

There seems to be a cultural obsession that hating on BBW’s and BHM’s is morally justified, with an accusation that they live an unhealthy lifestyle.  The fact that following the most recent ‘health’ advice, which is ever changing, and the guidance as to what a ‘healthy, attractive’ body should be (as ordained by the current fashion of the media) is in no way synonymous with actual virtue seems to be an overlooked fact. The notion that a large body is an unhealthy body is often simply not true, and espousing negativity about them would not be justified if it were.  Apart from the fact that life is complex and everyone does their best to navigate their own issues with the means they have available, some people are simply built with a solid frame, eat the healthiest of foods and work out like a maniac, but are just genetically and hormonally predisposed to be big.  This is in spite of the fact that working out, or going for a jog, at 300 or 400 pounds is 4x the work of doing the same at 100 pounds.  Let’s show some awe and respect for these champions of strength and endurance.

Black man with a beard wears a dark blue hoodie that says King 01 with hat and sunglasses
Photo by Kay

Are you a BHM?  How do you rock your look and go from shy-guy to kingly sex-god?

-Strut what you’ve got.  Treat your big belly the way you would a really huge penis.  Swing it around with pride, wear it out, treat it like the status symbol it is.  Every chair is your throne.  Every bar is your banquet hall.  Every person is lucky to meet you, with your sexy, imposing presence and comforting solidity.  Treat your width the way very tall men treat their height, or very wealthy men treat their cash.  You can either cower and willow, feeling like you are taking up too much space, or you can know, in your heart, that you deserve all that space and more, turning it to your advantage.

-Never feel like you need to be less.  Always be more.  You can use your size and presence to dominate a room.  Big guys can be alpha-male guys.  Confidence and approachability mean so much more than the fine details of physique.

-Never feel like the comedy sidekick in the rom-com of your life.  You can, and should, be the star.  That’s if rom-coms are really your thing.  It doesn’t have to be a rom com.  It could equally be an action-adventure.  Or a porno.

-Don’t be afraid to approach and talk to people you find attractive.  You don’t know what their preferences are.  Whether they are large, small, or any shape, does not mean they necessarily chose it or that they are looking for a mirror image of themselves.  Plenty of men and women are firmly only sexually attracted to large or even super-sized people.  Even more don’t consider body size a top priority in selecting a partner or playmate. There are plenty of meet-ups, dating sites and swinger events that cater to this preference.

-Spend some time learning what is sexy and special about you, apart from your size.  It is only one tiny part of the many multifaceted aspects that make you up as a human being, potential mate or playmate.  Never feel like this is an obstacle to your happiness that you have to overcome and change.  Accept yourself, shine your amazingness on others and that is what they will see and admire you for.

-Worried about rejection, or that guys will think you are an easy target for some ‘playful’ verbal bullying?  You will have heard every joke before, and 100x more than them.  You can seriously own them in a battle of wits on this score. Rejection, whether from romantic/sexual attempts, social situations or establishing yourself in a new peer group or environment, happens to everyone and it secretly worries everyone, whatever their looks or size.  Some people just have better mechanisms to cover it than others.  Cheap shots and bullying behaviours are an expression of their own insecurity, rather than your absolute worth.  It may be axiomatic, but their words and behaviour say nothing about you, and everything about them.  Your response, and whether you decide to let their own fears and toxic attitudes affect you, says everything about you.

-When people tell you nice things about yourself, your body or your sexiness, believe them.  Very few people look in the mirror and see an image they consider perfect.  Everyone is riddled with self-doubt, fears about their own perceived ‘flaws’ and they way that other people will think of them based on how they look.  When people compliment you, they aren’t lying.  They are telling you what they see about you.

Photo by Toa Heftiba

December is supposed to be a time of love, charity and acceptance.  It is time we, as a society and individuals, were a little more inclusive with our sexually desirable archetypes.  The toned, Instagram-style, barely-legal-teen body is only a fleeting phase, and only for a small number of people.  This is not the only way to be sexy.  So, this December, let’s cast aside socially-dictated appearance-based status-dating, celebrate the sexiness of the Big Handsome Man and open our minds, hearts and legs to the joy women (and men) have known for centuries- that a big man is a powerful and desirable man.

I wonder what Santa has in store for me this Christmas.

Santa sits in an armchair smoking a cigar and drinking whiskey
Photo by hue12 photography 

3 comments

  1. I’m getting fed up with the strain on the health service stereotype . It is dangerous , old fashioned attitudes about weight can stop people seeing doctors and actually do more harm than good .

    I hope you have similar attitudes towards drinkers , smokers and drug takers , people who do extreme sports etc.

    There is little enough positive written about BHM , so let’s say we all want to celebrate it

    I am fed up with fattism being one of the last acceptable prejudices , if media said similar things about any other group there would be an uproar .

    Like

  2. Personally I find it worrying that we all want to celebrate poor health and bad eating choices. (Strike me down now I know.)

    For those who genuinely have a problem, I can relate to not shaming, but for the rest who decide to eat themselves to disproportionate sizes…. it’s nothing but a strain on their health and our health service.

    Child obesity is a huge problem in the uk. We are spending money trying to educate kids about healthy eating, putting tax on sugary drinks, tax on costs food places near schools, and many other initiatives……Yet at the other end we want to wave a flag for those eating crap and putting on weight. It makes no sense at all.

    It’s hard, I know, to make healthy choices. But for the love of god lets do it for our health and that of our children. When I see overweight kids I recoil in horror. This is poor parenting to me. Nutrition is key to the illnesses your child may develop later in life.

    Rant over.

    I don’t expect six packs. But I do champion good health and good choices.

    Like

    • If it was really all about health we’d all show up to a first date with a GP summary. Health and size are not always equated. Health and attractiveness are rarely equated. Health and virtue as a person is almost never equated.

      Like

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