What actually is ‘unicorn hunting’ anyway?

Unicorn hunters: Companies that seek to fund late-stage start-up companies, ripe for investment

Unicorn hunters: swinger couples looking for a bisexual woman to participate in a sex threesome

Unicorn hunters: couples that term themselves polyamorous, yet specifically only seek a woman for both to share, who is expected to meet and fill all the wishes of the existing couple individually and collectively, while having no needs, power or equal status of her own

Unicorn hunting: the endless, somewhat directionless search for perfection. For the ideal situation, for the magical, joyful and flawless life to be had when one achieves ‘that one thing’. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Photo by schach100 on Pexels.com

The unicorn is a strange creature. Now known to be mythological, once thought to be exotic or extinct. It represents the rare, the special, the borderline unobtainable. The embodiment of all desires. Does hunting unicorns really lead to happiness, or are we Don Quixote, tilting at windmills in our minds?

This blog has looked extensively at life on the swing scene; hunting unicorns for sexual frolics, hunting for a dream life of acceptance and inclusion within a loving circle of friends, hunting for the perfect person to complete us amidst bizarre and fruitless terrain. What, when you get right down to it, is a unicorn?

A man and two women lie on the ground

Is the hunt really something worthy of our lives? Or are we just distracting ourselves from reality by imagining a beautiful future prize that can never be obtained?

I think the concept of a unicorn is a unicorn in itself.  Like when I was growing up, I had this idea in my head of marrying a woman who looked like a 1950’s pin-up, who enjoyed similar things and thought I was awesome.

As I grew older, I realized that looking for a ‘dream woman’ would:

1. Be highly unlikely to become a reality
2. Lead to disappointment and ruin relationships with other potential mates that might be bringing something else to the table that I’d never even thought of.

So, yeah. My two cents? I refuse to grant a person ‘unicorn’ status. It’s too limiting.



Mr. F, single man on the swing scene

Hunting unicorns in our lives is, in many ways, the timeless equivalent of setting new year’s resolutions. We set up our ambitions, set our standards high, and slowly watch them fail. What unicorns are you hunting for?

-The perfect social circle. A place where all your many friends are AMAZING, never let you down, are always around when you want them, and never cease to be an addition to your life. Of course, they must all get on with each other perfectly too.

-The perfect job. Financially comfortable, challenging but not stressful, fits into your work/life balance and emotionally rewarding

-The perfect partner(/s). Attractive, sexually astounding, interesting, and who makes you feel your absolute best self, at all times. Close enough to your ideal to be molded into whatever you need, without ever becoming resentful. Strong enough to be difficult to control or predict, but someone you can completely trust. Someone who gives you the perfect combination of support and space, as and when needed, without ever having conflicting goals, ambitions, or needing something of you that you find hard to give.

Two masked women bound at the hands

-The perfect home. Great location, quiet yet surrounded by awesome places to go and things to do, warm, dry, spacious, stylish. A place with the miraculous flexibility to go from snuggly solo time to a party venue. And of course, unbelievably affordable. To be filled with people who are somehow completely perfect, don’t make noise, are friendly when you feel friendly and are gone when you want your own space.

-The perfect body. Healthy, non-drinking, non-smoking (possibly vegan) lifestyle with washboard abs, boundless energy and the remarkable ability to look good in everything.

A woman tempts a bound woman with cake

-The perfect soul. Guilt-free life. Zero carbon emissions, negative food miles. Ethically sourced, fairtrade, organic, chemical free, zero-waste living that somehow doesn’t become an exercise in self flagellation or starvation, or leave you looking like a dishevelled, neglected creature.

A unicorn in this day and age is a man who doesn’t cheat. Even in a poly or open relationship, it appears the need to sneak about is strong! Is it the sex, ego boost or its clandestine nature they need? Even on FABs I still seem to meet men who have an open relationship but haven’t told the lady that they are meeting me. They say they are ‘a good guy though’.


Nope. You’re not.



You are another liar.


So find me a monogamous man. In some way, most are adding extra spice. Sorry guys.





Miss R, single lady

The problem with seeking unicorns, seeking perfect people, perfect states of being, is that you are never quite there. You can only ever be ‘making progress’; often one step forward, two steps back. Life will always find a way to ruin your plans. People can’t be adjusted to suit what you want them to be at any given time. The pursuit of perfection just makes the journey, and any ‘imperfect’ part of it meaningless.

That’s not to say that we can’t aspire to grand things, yet there needs to be a balance. In seeking your unicorn situation, one should always not just ask ‘what is the exact thing I want to get’, but ‘what are the things I’m looking to give’. This is similar to one of the crucial revelations in the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck‘ by Mark Manson. Don’t choose your goals and path based on what you want to enjoy- choose it on the suffering you are willing to endure.

A man struggles tied between two women

You want the perfect partner? How many first dates are you willing to go on? How many times do you want to do all the getting to know you stuff and be let down, ghosted and cut off? How many times are you willing to invest of yourself fruitlessly? How far are you willing to go to achieve what you want? Are you going to get a whole new wardrobe, hairdo, look? Invest in social skills, pick-up tuition, dating coaches? How far from your current self are you willing to diverge to present what you believe your ideal person is going to want you to be?

You want the perfect friendship circle? How much time and effort are you going to spend keeping in touch, growing your connections, talking, attending the things they want to go to with them? How much are you willing to adapt your personality to fit in with theirs and get along? How many perceived slights, insults, conflicts of opinion, friend-fails are you willing to tolerate? Should you have to?

Four friends laughing

You want the perfect job? How much change are you willing to make to get it? Are you going to invest the long hours of study or work, the stress, the annoyances, the sacrifice of the other things you want in your life? Are you willing to go to endless interviews, face rejection, see a career coach? Are you ready to put in the time, humiliation, personal development that takes it beyond dabbling? Is it worth it?

Typewriter

You want the perfect home? How much are you willing to give of yourself, to making other people feel like it’s their perfect home? What compromises do you need to get there? Is it ever really there, or is there ever a distant mirage of the next thing- the dishwasher, the maid, the better flooring – that will finally make it the unicorn life?

Cosy slippers sitting by the fire in the perfect home

Want the perfect threesome? When you look for your unicorn, stop thinking about all the things you want. Think about the things you have to offer. Think about the compromises you are willing to make, think about what the unicorn wants from you. In seeking the rare and mythical goal, we forget that we trample on the aspirations of others.

I propose this to you, unicorn hunters of every kind: Instead of hunting your unicorn this year, become one. Become the rare, amazing, special person that everyone else is looking for. Be the amazing friend. Be the loyal, hardworking employee. Be the epic housemate. Be the couple who actually shows the ‘spare F’ a good time and doesn’t make her a toy in their drama dynamics.

Forgive the cracks you see in others- everyone is trying to find their own dynamic balance between hunting the various unicorns of life.

Forgive the cracks you see in yourself. In every aspiration, there is sacrifice.

Happy new year, my baby ducklings.

xxx

*With special thanks to the models featured, Anatomie Studios and Jon for his excellent Shibari

Buy the book from this blog: Unicorns and How to Hunt Them – Your Guide to Scoring Threesomes Like a Pro


book unicorns and how to hunt them: how to score threesomes likje a pro

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