So you are at a really good sex party. You feel the vibe, you have someone(s) you’ve connected with and you are all ready to play together. Lo and behold, you find a suitable space! You begin, your partner(s) are getting down to business, clothing coming off and sex fantasies all ready to happen.
Then, looming in from the shadows comes ‘that guy’. He’s staring silently, looking like a supervillain’s henchman, or smiling maniacally, all alone. He’s standing a little too close for comfort, cock in hand, stroking himself off to your frolics.
Maybe he reaches in silently with a hand. Maybe he starts passing comment as you contemplate whether you are about to receive an eyeful of non-consensual friendly-fire. Maybe he stands there silently like a masturbating zombie. But one thing is for sure- he’s inserted himself into your nicely arranged little scene and he wasn’t invited.
The creepy-wanky watcher is an awkward side effect of commercial sex party dynamics and a tragic yet very common phenomenon. It’s not quite a breach of consent (it’s a sex party, right? People are there for sexual pleasure, right? And he hasn’t actually DONE ANYTHING- yet at least. Yet he’s there as an uncomfortable or slightly menacing presence, spoiling your fun.) Why does this happen, how can you deal with it, and more importantly, how do you avoid being THAT GUY.
Why do we get creepy wanky watchers?
Many parties won’t allow single guys and those that do generally limit their numbers. Why should this be? Because of the creepy wanky watchers. They come alone, without friends or partners. They don’t socialize early on in the evening but just stand by the walls waiting. When play does begin, suddenly they are right there, standing over you. If you are lucky, they may have said hello and made small talk earlier, but usually, they won’t have said a word. In any case, there was never any indication from your part that they were invited to your nicely crafted little sex scene dynamic. How awkward.
What we are dealing with here is a combination of things:
1. Too much porn.
They have got so used to watching porn alone that the whole thing is just an interactive live porn show for them
How do you define creepy? I definitely like to watch, but does that make me ‘creepy’? I do that from the distance. I’m waiting for an eye connection, and if I see some sort of smile or a wink, I come closer. I think the point is to lurk like a predator, not being seen, but if you are, to then come closer if you feel welcome. Not assuming you can get inches away from the start.
Mr. O.D., self-confessed party voyeur
All human beings do this to some extent: observe others…watch to see if they, in turn, are being observed…look for signs that closer interaction may be wanted and act accordingly. If we didn’t all do that the species would die out.
Mr. D.A., party-lurker-insight specialist
2. Too inexperienced
They may have not attended anything like this before, not quite have grasped the rules and how to conduct themselves appropriately in a novel social setting.
Though each party has its own set of written rules for conduct, the vibe on the night can actually be very different, and not everyone bothers to read the rules and conduct themselves accordingly. People who haven’t yet made friends on the scene to socialize with and bounce their thoughts and ideas off tend to come off the creepiest.
3. Too shy
Not everyone who fancies trying a sex party has mad game and pick-up skills. When they feel shy, they retreat to the walls and don’t socialize, trying to feel invisible. Unfortunately, it just makes them seem predatory. Later on, emboldened by the visual sexual stimulus, they try to skip straight to the good bit.
How should we deal with them when it happens?
The first time it happens, you are going to feel awkward about knowing what to do. You might wait a while and hope they go away. They won’t. You could ask them to back off a bit and give you space. They will float back within a few minutes. You could stop and relocate your activities. They may well follow you. You could try to find a private room with a lockable door. Pretty effective but negates the more pleasant exhibitionistic aspects of attending a party in the first place. You could interrupt your play and alert security, who will probably give them a warning and keep an eye on them. There really isn’t a great way to keep the sexual vibe flowing and deduct the creepy character standing over you from the scenario.
Early in the night, you can come off as an alpha by being open and friendly and chatting with everyone. I make an effort to talk to at least 3 new people at any event and target the ones who are hanging back by themselves. Sometimes, you can turn what seems to be a creepy lurker type into a part of the group and then the sinister air melts away. I did this with one such person who actually turned out to be a lovely guy, and he ended up playing with a friend of mine after I introduced him around. If one of them does stand to watch you after this, it’s a bit easier to ask them to politely go away if you have already opened a line of communication.
You can ignore them.
I really don’t notice them. I’m kind of used to being wanked over at parties? As long as they aren’t touching me I’m cool with it. For me, it’s not the in-person creepiness. It’s the online creepiness which bothers me!
Rah, single girlie & party veteran
You can be very selective about which events you attend, or host your own events where you select the guests. Parties which only allow men as couples, or where it is all friends have a lot less of the creepy wanky watcher phenomenon.
How do you avoid being a creepy wanky watcher?
Avoid being one? do not see the people as your personal sex show, be sociable, as hard as that might be, and they (whoever they are) might like you enough to let you watch or even do more than watching.
Well, at a minimum, don’t ever touch anyone who hasn’t at least acknowledged you and given positive signals towards you. Don’t ever assume. Check often. Consent can be withdrawn. Don’t be an asshole. That’s a good start.
If you are worried that this sounds like something you do, the good news is that it’s pretty easy to change. Think of it as a normal house party. If people were to pair off for private frolics, you wouldn’t follow them around masturbating over them, would you? When you go in, make sure you spend your first half an hour talking briefly to absolutely everyone- not just people you think you’d like to have sex with. Talk to them as people, like you are just out to make a load of new friends, and don’t even think about being sexual yet. Once you’ve done the rounds and had a quick chit chat, go back to the people you felt you had a good vibe with (both genders- if you want to be involved with someone’s woman, you will want to make sure the man accepts you too) and have a little light flirty banter.
You may find that people don’t give you the vibe that they want to go further than the initial chit-chat. That is okay too- nobody is ever going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Try to find other people who look new or alone and spend time talking to them. They can be your social wingmen for the evening. Whenever you do find yourself solo, you can always go back and talk to them to avoid being creepy Billy no-mates in the corner. Although you may feel like you want to hang back to avoid seeming threatening, this has the opposite effect. If you come in big and loud and open, happy and fun, everyone will relax with you and get positive vibes from you. You will be ‘that fun guy I spoke to earlier’. And the more you practice it, the more you will feel it’s true. Before you know it, people will be inviting you to join in with them before they even start playing, and you will now be the one telling all the other creepy guys to get their cock out of your face.
If you really feel like you can’t do this, and silent watching is your own private kink forever, then accept this and keep a respectful distance from your entertainment. Sit down, at least several feet away, and try not to interrupt the scene. If you tower over them, creep them out or they feel like you are about to jump in, they are going to stop. I’d suggest that as you enter the room you keep your distance and say something like ‘Is it ok if I just watch quietly in the corner?’ They will give you a very clear answer. If this is what you have asked to do, stick to it. No grabby hands. These people have spent the evening doing what you did not feel you could bring yourself to do in order to set up the sex scene they are in- socialized, flirted, built rapport, took a risk – and now they deserve to enjoy the fruits of their efforts. Don’t ruin it for them. She wasn’t just lying on the bed waiting for someone to walk in and he happened to be the first person. It’s not luck. It’s skill, practice, and investment of yourself in social situations. It can be hard, you might get your feelings hurt. So might we all. But the more you practice, the better you will get at it, like learning to play an instrument. We all start somewhere, we all learn.
Happy hunting, my baby ducklings xx
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