Getting your partner to agree to a threesome

There are quite a few pieces already written on this, but I’m going to try to break it down for you.  Assuming you are with a partner in some sort of exclusive arrangement, and have met them via the vanilla world, it can be a worrying issue to bring up.  If you are not exclusive, or met them via the swing or sex scene, you will likely be less concerned about how to discuss it.  As women tend to feel more secure in raising the issue of adding a spare F for sex, this will mostly be discussed from the male perspective.  This is not to say women are not the instigators:  In a large number of couples, it is the woman who spearheads the conversation and is the more active unicorn hunter.  These women just don’t really need advice on how to go about it.

There are a few different angles you need to consider, for which there may be trade-offs to negotiate:

What you want

You may have an idea in your head about what it is you are looking for, but how well formed is it?  What are the main criteria?  Are you looking to explore new sexual adventures with your partner?  Tick a box off your sexual bucket list?  Have you always wanted a two-girl blowjob?  Do you fantasise about seeing your partner with another woman?  Are you wishing for an ongoing polyamorous relationship?  Do you just want an excuse to have sex with other people without getting in trouble?  If you can be honest with yourself first about what it is you are really hoping for, you can approach the endeavour with better clarity, and make choices about how and if to approach your partner.  It will also help when you come to look for a unicorn.

What your partner wants

You may have an idea in your head about your partner’s sexual likes, adventurous nature and how secure they feel to explore with you, or allow you to explore.  This is not necessarily the whole picture.  Just as you have settled into a comfortable pattern with her, she has settled into one with you.  Disrupting the status quo can be scary, and if you are vague about your reasons or what you want, they may react with anger or sadness based on being made suddenly insecure or feeling less valued.  For this reason, it is worth finding out more about your partner’s thoughts before asserting your own.  This is not always a simple thing, as many women have a tendency to say what they think you want to hear, and are acutely aware that they will be judged much more harshly as a woman and categorised as a slut if they express anything beyond mono vanilla desires. You’ll need to pick your time and context for discussion well, and make sure it feels like a safe space for her to open up.  If your relationship is new, on rocky ground or you’ve made her feel less than adored so far, expect a fiery response.

What your relationship needs

There are as many types of relationship as there are people.  Assuming a chance to play around on the swing scene is a lower priority to you than maintaining your current relationship, you need to set aside your own aspirations for a moment and examine what it is your relationship, as it stands, actually needs.  Do you spend adequate quality time together?  Do you have shared goals you are working towards?  How will swinging fit in with them?  Is doing this going to affect the way you view each other, and if so is it going to be positive or negative?  How can you protect what you already have?

What you need to capture a unicorn

I’ve put this last, as it’s usually considered last.  Assuming all the other considerations go swimmingly, you may well find you have negotiated a situation in which you have reduced your potential unicorn pool to practically zero.  Though the wishes for yourself, your partner and your relationship may be the foremost considerations in your own mind, they are of no benefit or relevance to her.  It is at this point, you may find you have to go back to the drawing board, and establish whether what you have to offer her is really of any interest.  ‘A chance to play about with me and my missus for hot sex’ really isn’t going to cut it.  Oddly, your girlfriend, who may be really up for the notion of playing as the primary female, is likely to completely forget how she herself would have responded in the shoes of a single female to that same offer.  If you are looking for an ongoing relationship or friendship with an intended unicorn, treat her that way.  If you are looking to hunt her down for one off sex and show off your sexual prowess as a couple, you’re going to have to show her you are both really something special.

Having considered these angles, and formulated in your own mind whether this is something that could work for you, your partner, your relationship and indeed the reality of finding your spare F, you come to the point of deciding how best to go about the first steps.  There is nothing wrong with deciding not to proceed.  It’s not obligatory to have a threesome, now or ever.  In fact, if you are trying to do it for the wrong reasons, even if you succeed in ticking the box, it’s going to be a shambles.  For you, it may be best to remain a fantasy.  You and your partner may enjoy watching threesome porn, talking about what it would be like with each other, reading erotic fiction about it.  Nothing spoils a nice fantasy like a healthy dose of reality.  You’ve been warned.  You may be quite happy to use the concept as arousal material without ever doing it for real.  And that is okay.

So what methods can you use to raise the threesome question with your partner?

a) Extremely casually and indirectly

Talk about your individual sexual fantasies.  Play a couples card game with a truth or dare theme. Watch a documentary about swinging.  Read an article about it.  Discuss friends you know who swing (I guarantee you, you will have some who do, whether or not you realise it).  Ask her opinion on it.  Don’t let your fear of how she might respond come across as a negative attitude to it, or she will follow your lead and say what she thinks you expect her to.  Discuss it as an interesting social phenomenon.  The history of monogamy and multiple partners.  The difference between sex and love.  The nature of bisexuality in women.  Is it something she has ever experienced?  Thought about?  You are going to have to take cues from how she responds to direct your angle appropriately. It may be better to bring it up again at another time, or drop it for good.  If that’s the case, you’ll need to consider what it is you value more at present.   If she is honest, avoid being resentful.  After all, you asked her opinion.  She may have not considered it before, or thought you wouldn’t be interested.  She may take some time and change her mind in the future, if she has an idea that it’s something you might have a casual, non-threatening interest in trying.  After all, if a woman loves you, she wants to do things for you to make you happy.

b) Straight up and direct

It may be that you have a very open, honest dynamic already, or that you are very much used to taking the lead in your relationship, including sexually.  If this is the case, you are going to have a relatively easy time in directing her to what you are hoping to try next. In some ways, this can be quite freeing for the woman- she is spared any sense that she will be judged for what she does- after all, it was all your idea.  In this format, be careful to be specific about what it is you do and don’t want.  For example, you may say you don’t want her to have sex with any other men (limiting your own frolics with full-swap couples too) or that you want to take her to a sex party and just be together with each other, in a sexy environment.  If you are clear about the limits of what you want at the moment, it will be less worrying for her.  Most women have at least a small element of jealousy and insecurity inside them, that you don’t want to trigger.  It is not unknown for men to go off with a unicorn they shared with their partner and start a new relationship. She will intuitively be aware of this.  If you start out with something simple and non-threatening, you can always discuss going further another time, after you have both had a little experience of the scene and opportunity to process your feelings about it.

c) Make it about her

This really isn’t going to work unless she has at least a little bit of sexual curiosity and some latent bisexual leanings.  It’s a tad manipulative, and if your girlfriend isn’t game for it in herself, it’s going to backfire.  In this mode, you present yourself as really wanting to go further to please her.  To worship her sexually.  To help her fulfil her own fantasies.  Be warned, she may end up wanting something you didn’t intend, like a cuckold situation or a threesome with 2 men.  If this is the case, there’s not much you can do about it.  Pandora’s box is open, and you asked for it.  Whatever you do, don’t try to mix this approach with approach D, or it will come off as horribly insincere and she will think you are a manipulative, lying dickhead.

d) Play her

If you have a relationship where your woman is a bit insecure, you can use this to your advantage.  I’m not recommending this method because:

i) You need to work on your relationship first, and swinging will likely break it apart

ii) She’s likely to go along with it without wanting to, which will cause her pain, and the unicorns will sense her reticence, which will put them off

iii) There’s enough sociopathic behaviour on the scene already.

iv) There’s potential for drama creation when it comes to the meet/party, and I hate drama.

Nonetheless, here’s how you do it.  You use a little reverse psychology.  Bring up the issue of threesomes and how sexually hot it is, but that’s okay that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s a ‘nice girl’.  It’s a shame you won’t get to have one while you’re with her, but that’s OKAY, as she has some other qualities.  Like being a good cook.  Being organised.  It’s OKAY that you guys will never be Bonnie and Clyde, out hunting women together and having that fun, exciting sexual connection together.  Sometimes you have to trade off having fun sex for a relaxing home life.

Obviously, she will immediately object to being cast as a matronly, non-sexual archetype, and seek to prove you wrong- that she can, indeed, be all the things you want and more. Because that, my baby ducklings, is what women do.  They want to be your everything. Your friend, your hot lover, your solace, your domestic Goddess.  They want you to be all things to them as well.  Basically, she will do it in order to prove herself, and because she doesn’t want to lose you.  Longer term, this will actually probably lead you to lose all respect for her and go elsewhere anyway, but this isn’t a tutorial on relationships.

Other options

If you really don’t feel like you can raise the issue any of these ways, or you do it and your partner is not up for it, you need to consider how important achieving a threesome is to you.  If it really is do or die, then you are going to have to do one of the following:

a) Cheat.

Yup.  Of the many ‘single guys’ on the scene, a lot of them are playing without permission.  If this seems a step to far and your missus is understanding but not remotely bi, then you may be able to get her to agree to giving you a hall pass.  This might be for a week or month, or indefinitely.  There are likely to be conditions attached to it, as to what you may and may not do without her.  If you violate these terms, it really is just the same as cheating (in her eyes), so be careful to what you agree to and make sure it’s realistic.  By imposing terms, it allows her to feel a sense of control about what is happening, and compartmentalise it.  If you violate the terms, she will feel not only cheated on, but that you broke the rules WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO SO. Somehow, that is actually worse.

b) Break up

If your sexual tastes are really so very different, then you need to consider that this is an aspect of incompatibility that is unlikely to change, however well suited you might feel you are otherwise.  If anything, the sex will get worse and more boring.  It always does. Breaking up because you want to explore your sexuality does not make you a dickhead. It is a fair and legitimate reason, whatever people might say.  Some journeys, you can take together.  Some, you really can’t.  If you really want to swing with a partner, go on the scene as a single guy and choose a woman who swings.  There are loads of them, most of whom are seeking a long term partner they can swing with, but are happy to ‘try before they buy’.  Short term partnerships can be fun too, and just as intense as anything you’ve encountered in the vanilla world.  Swinging as a single guy is, in many ways, easier than as a couple, provided you make some single female friends.  Treat them nicely and they will be the gatekeeper to a world of adventures for you.  Piss them off and you’ll struggle.  The unicorns are not solitary creatures; when you meet one, you meet a whole hive of connections.  Bear this in mind.

At the end of the day, you are in the best place to judge how your partner will respond, and what method will work with her.  There is no point resenting her or trying to pressure her into something if it’s not what she wants.  How would you feel if she was trying to pressure you into sex with another man?  Having said that, a great number of women are at least slightly bicurious, and may be happy to say, kiss another woman and stroke her breasts in front of you.  For some reason, a lot of women imagine that performing oral on another woman will be disgusting.  Fortunately, with very few exceptions, it tastes like chicken, and a darn sight better than the taste of cock.  Women are also generally quite understanding that men have a biological drive to conquer and spread their seed – to have sex with different types of women.  No woman believes she can be all of them for you, though she might wish to.  Generally, women are just happy to know that you like her the best, above and beyond all others.  That you find her hot, above and beyond all others.  That she has a special sacrosanct place somewhere in your heart.  They relish the opportunity to fill a new role with you, as your partner in crime having secret sexual adventures together, and being this amazingly fun, sexual being for you.  Your reticence isn’t that you are asking for something unreasonable- it is your fear of asking wrong and upsetting her, or your fear that you are, in at least some small part, doing it just to get guilt-free sex with other women.  The more you can consider things from her perspective and present it as a joint enterprise for you both to enjoy, the better it will go down.  And going down well is always a fine thing indeed. 😉

Time for that chat, Baby Ducklings xx

Image by CDN.Psychologytoday.com

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