The reason we actually even started to think about expanding on our sexual experiences was somewhat random. I was out with a gay friend in heaven and I got approached by a woman. While flattered, I was too embarrassed and decided to decline, but it made me think a lot. We spoke about the experience and discussed whether we would like to try a mff- we decided to give it a go but I think our attitude was more that we wanted to have an experience and didn’t really consider the other person. I think we were probably very selfish.
We began to look on things like Craig’s List and a few other websites but got nowhere until we stumbled across KK. We began to try and message women, but again I remember it was all about us looking for someone to fulfil our fantasy, rather than a meeting of equals…which obviously is just horrible. I think what really made us realise what this is all about was ultimately meeting people and understanding that it is about building a relationship with someone, understanding what each person wants from the experience and then deciding if there is a mutual need. I think that is very similar when you are single, or part of a couple or a threesome. We can all be selfish but ultimately when you realise the needs of others then the whole experience is much more fulfilling.
The thought process has completely changed how we interacted with people, be it at a party, messages or in meetings, and has allowed us to build much stronger connections, which on occasion has led to really amazing meetings. When we speak to women, often we hear that couples are just interested in their fantasy (which was where we started out), which is not fair on her. She is there for her fantasy too. Being open about this has lead to many interesting conversations with people.
Ultimately, meeting women who are interested in couples is tough, but then meeting anyone who you click with is tough. Having a very strong appreciation of her, and not thinking of her just as a fantasy for your relationship, is really what is important in ultimately meeting and finding someone. We just now speak to people, find about about them and then see if it goes anywhere. I would say that most still go nowhere, but then we are happy with that as we probably wouldn’t have connected.
Female half of Nolan No.9, 20’s, Couple with over 1 year’s experience
Just as unicorns unknowingly embark on a journey of transformation throughout their time, so too do couples. Nobody who makes the conscious decision to set out and create a MFF with their partner for the first time does so with an exact understanding of how best to achieve it. In any situation of social uncertainty, it is easiest to retreat to that which we know well and are comfortable with. We focus on our desires, the feelings of our partner about things, we dwell on the aspects we enjoy and feel supported with, and shy away from difficult terrain.
We sit there and scroll through single girl pictures together and window shop. We write a couples’ profile together, where we take turns to talk about how much we love and value each other. How special our partner is. How hot we find them. How we definitely, definitely, don’t want to risk that. Just so people know. So they are warned. So our partner feels safe. We talk together about our limits, and hopes, and boundaries, and code words, and vetoes. We are definitely working as a team. And what a fun, sexy hobby we have together! Bonnie and Clyde! We aren’t having much luck for some reason, when we try to pin the girls down to meet us, but hey, that’s just the way it is and we are having fun while reassuring each other. This is phase one. Many people never get beyond this. They give up and find a different hobby, or worse yet trudge on the same way forever, because they aren’t prepared to step out of their comfort zone.
To move forward, as with any new activity you are trying, you need to accept that whatever handy skills you have in other areas, you aren’t a born black-belt at this. Nobody is. From the learned pick-up artist to the natural charmer, you will have to find a way to open your mind and grow your skill-set a little. You need to be ready to go on a journey too. It’s not a ‘decide/goal-achieved’ endeavour, much as porn may tell you otherwise. You can’t just pick up your ideal unicorn at a shop, tick a box and move on, feeling like a champion. Odds are, that to achieve it at all, you are going to have to be prepared to learn how to do it right. It’s going to take not just time, but letting down some defences about how you view yourself, and the willingness to risk trying things a new way.
Assuming that your unicorn hunting quest isn’t a fleeting idea, and that you and your partner trust each other, this can be as much of a bonding experience as the act of attending a party together or picking up a girl itself. You are going to work on each other’s skills, and allow each other to experiment and grow. Not just sexually, but by opening your minds to switch your point of view, from that of what you want to get, to showing that which you have to give.
If you are both good looking, fit, a good height, intelligent, charming and outgoing, these are characteristics that will certainly work in your favour, however alone they are never going to be enough. In addition to everything you ever thought you knew about finding sex as a single person, you are going to have to learn how to alter your modus operandi, probably in effect since you were a teenager, to understand all the additional factors and dynamics that come into play when you are seeking casual sex with a unicorn. Basically, you need to understand all the aspects that can put her off. Let’s break these down.
- Physical – simplest one ever. Either you or your partner are not her type. It’s a one off, she’s not likely to get any of the benefits of your other fine qualities. She’s got a lot of choice. Do your best with looks but don’t sweat it too much. Not everyone is always equally sexually attracted to each other.
- Hassle factor– Consider what you are asking of her in order to meet. Is she going to have to travel far, have a back up hotel room in case you don’t gel? Is she going to want to have to pay out for that (in addition to all the waxing, new knickers and standard lady prep?) Are you offering her a nice event to look forward to, or is she viewing this as another thing to have to fit in to her cluttered schedule? Are you making it an all or nothing sex meet, or is there a low key social meet you could do first? You probably wouldn’t expect a single woman to meet you one-on-one and have sex straight away. That’s a lot of pressure. Is there an easy-out for her if she doesn’t feel the vibe or decides to be friends?
- The dynamic between you and your partner – This is always going to be a tricky one. You have a natural day to day dynamic, you are comfortable with your partner and that’s always going to be a safe place for you to hide in when you feel nervous. You also want to reassure your partner and check they are okay at all times. If you stick together like glue, won’t stop holding hands, or basically carry on in a way that says you are such a tight unit that all others are excluded, then your vibe will put your unicorn off very quickly. Sitting or standing together in your pair without interacting with others, working together too tightly on text chats or making constant references to yourself as a unit (aren’t you still individuals?) are unconscious moves that you see all the time in newbie swing couples. You need to stop it. If you use nothing else from this, use this.
- You/your partner isn’t holding up his/her end – If you are fortunate enough to have gained the preliminary interest of a unicorn, she is considering having an experience with both of you. If not, your MFF won’t be happening. It is not acceptable for one of your pair to do all the talking and flirting, even if there is a difference in your social skills or levels of experience. If it’s just one of you, the unicorn will get the impression that the chatty one is the driving force, and the other is just along for the (unwilling) ride. Why would she think this? Because it’s very often the case. More often than not, especially with inexperienced couples, one is clearly doing it to please the other. Whatever they may say, there is sadness in their eyes and dryness in their underwear. They are clearly taking part as a prisoner of their own psychological needs, not their sexual ones. It’s not nice for anybody, and a unicorn with even a small level of experience will walk away if she gets a hint of it. Work as individuals to chat and flirt, so she knows you both want her. Put all your focus on her, until you’ve completed your mission. You can debrief with your partner tomorrow, whatever the result- this is your only chance to win your unicorn.
- You aren’t impressing your value on her – On the internet, there is a theoretical infinite number of couples she could choose from, over time. At a party, you will still not have the advantage of being the rare part of the threesome to acquire; however it is reasonable to assume that she has come there in the hope of having fun sex with somebody before the night is out. This means you have to demonstrate yourselves as her best choice (or perhaps top three, depending on her appetites). Show up well dressed and full of energy, life and soul of the party. Chat to all the couples, the staff, laugh, dance, really put your best foot forward and shine in the crowd. Do it right from the start, first impressions count. If your unicorn has met you privately, go full charm offensive and make sure she has the best night ever.
- You aren’t closing the deal – I always found this to be the trickiest part, probably because as a woman it’s not something you often have to do in the mono vanilla world. If you find the chat drifting back to small talk, then up the flirting. Initiate body contact (not groping!), express in your body language that you are sexual animals. A nice move is if you both initiate soft foreplay-style stroking and kissing, both focusing all your attention on your unicorn. This leaves little doubt that you are both ready to go and happy to participate fully. Don’t expect your unicorn to close the deal for you- but should it happen, feel free to jump at the chance.
- You are shoe-boxing her – Your unicorn wants to be seen, appreciated and respected for the individual she is. Don’t tell her what to wear, what she’s supposed to do that you’ve decided on together (if you have rules about something specific you don’t want, by all means discuss it with her, but this isn’t a business contract). She isn’t there to enact your precise fantasy or do what you say, she is there to enjoy the moment, as should you both be. Surrender of control to sensation is all part of the heady mix that makes MFF so wonderful. If you are dead set on an extremely specific set of actions and rules, it is better to hire an escort.
The more you practice different approaches and techniques, and the more you analyse what did and didn’t work with your partner afterwards, the faster your skills will progress and the more successful you will be. By socialising with everyone on the scene, rather than just your unicorn targets, you also get to build a network of like-minded friends. While you may not want to have sex with them, this is an excellent way to have friendly faces to chat to at the next event, boosting your confidence, and earning you invitations to private events. The more at home you become, the better your game will be. The more you can filter out distractions and anxieties caused by unfamiliar context, the more you can focus in on the fine details that make the crucial difference. You can hone your skills, experiment with technique and evaluate your progress with a sharp eye. Suddenly, you are not baby ducklings at this any more. You know some things. You can look back and see how far you’ve come since you took your first steps out of your initial mindset. Your journey is well underway.