Well I’ve had foursomes, just never the fabled threesome, believed to be a myth once upon a time. Just attending fetish events have created an honesty among partners that I’ve never experienced before. It’s okay to say “I’d like to fuck her,” something people wouldn’t have dreamt of saying to previous partners. It then becomes a real possibility and the endorphin release is incredible.
- I think its about patience and just being friendly and keeping in touch with people. People get lonely when they break up, they get excited and they get bored. Happens to us all eventually. Just being a couple on a few social kik sites, I’ve had several requests for simple, last minute fun without them even knowing what my partner might look like.
- Have a better than reality profile pic. That has to be weighed against the look of disappointment if you aren’t what they expected… then again if it is you then they are having, then that person- you- are their fantasy. I’ve fallen in love with many photoshopped or photogenic photos. You should see my instagram follows!
- Set the mood right or don’t bother. Enough to entertain three people, or prepared to splash the cash and have somewhere to go. Club/fetish playrooms are also a great alternative.
- Having an attractive, confident partner will help of course. You are bound to be approached where the subject can come up. Or at least one that’s as horny as you are!
- Introducing someone to the scene is far more risky than finding and dating someone already used to it.
My own favourite thoughts regarding threesomes are ‘It’s like having you cake and eating it, then having someone else’s too.’
Mr Pink & partner, 30’s, together a few months, fetish event attendees
Mr. Pink describes a multi-pronged approach, and the issues are best dealt with in turn.
Openness with your partner
Mr Pink describes the enjoyment he feels at being able to share his desires freely with his partner, without fear of admonishment. He references this as an aspect of the fetish scene he enjoys, and indeed the ability to explore sexual arousal in its diversity is a large part of the fetish scene itself. This is not to say, however, that it is strictly necessary to be a part of it in order to have frank and open discussions with your partner about your sexual desires. What this comes down to more is the ability to trust them, and feel secure in the knowledge that you respect each other enough not to make light of them or dismiss them. Depending on how your relationship begins, this may or may not be an issue. Sometimes these things are all up front, sometimes you have bonded over less sexual matters and it can feel, later on in a relationship, that you have an image to maintain for them. If that is the case exploring conversationally can be difficult, as you always take a level of risk when you step into unknown territory. There can also be a fear of miscommunication, and that your partner might feel hurt or devalued if you suggest changing something about your sexual dynamic.
Assuming you have got this far, and you are both happy to explore and gratify each others desires, Mr. Pink goes on to make some suggestions.
As a hunter, it can be tempting to focus on the kill straight away. Your prey appears to be right there. Either their is a barrier, or something falls through. Is it always worth abandoning them and moving straight onto the next one? Mr. Pink discusses a less focussed approach, in which any number of targets can be maintained at a low intensity social level. Things change for people, and the target you couldn’t quite pin down a month ago may well be in a different state of mind, for whatever reason, next week. Your efforts to be sociable and remove a high pressure situation, which many women will balk at, are not wasted. If you’ve earned the status of friend or acquaintance, they will likely be happy to have you check in from time to time to see how they are doing. Everyone likes to feel popular. Your ongoing investment of time engenders trust and connection that doesn’t vanish. For reasons that make no logical sense, women will often feel afraid for their safety meeting a stranger withing a few days to a week. That same stranger, never even having met, will a few months later seem like an old friend. This is a move away from unicorn hunting, to unicorn farming. Extensive, free-range farming.
The art of self-marketing
Mr. Pink talks about how to present yourself online, as discussed in a previous post. However, he goes one step further. He recommends ‘better than reality’ pictures. This could mean different things to different people. Before you break out the photoshop, consider if you have done everything a magazine would first. How is the lighting? Natural daylight is always more flattering than artificial. Overhead lighting will cast unflattering shadows and light ahead of you will make you squint. Choose a ‘good day’. Go to the gym, take a shower, shave and do your hair nicely. A natural glow will beat an artificial one hands down. Find a well lit area and a good simple background. Have someone else take some pictures, or take a minute of video and use an editor to pick out the most flattering stills from it. Experiment with poses in the mirror. Leaning forward will make your head and shoulders look bigger. A shot from below will make you look taller, but is usually unflattering for the face, so be sure your head is back to avoid a double chin. You can use perspective to be your friend in showing your proportions, rather than your enemy. Pick out flattering clothes (if it’s the ubiquitous abs shot, nice underwear) that suit your skin tone and fit properly. Be sure they are ironed and you are looking as you would if you went out to a nice restaurant. If at all possible, try to smile. Shots where you think you are doing a slight smile tend to look morose. I believe it is acceptable to play around with cropping, filters and colour to make the shot look as good as you can. Temporary blemishes can be erased. I’d avoid going further than this to improve the shots myself, both for the reason Mr. Pink said- you don’t want them to be disappointed with the real thing- and also because if your picture is too perfect you are likely to be dismissed as a fake offhand.
Show them a good time
The fine art setting the mood is a bit of skill and a bit of luck. A little luxury never hurts, and anything that transports someone from their mundane life already contains within it an element of eroticism. Give a girl a chance to dress up a little. Get taxis door to door so she can wear heels. Give her plenty of time to get ready before she meets you. Respect her schedule and plan ahead when it will be a good day for her, so she isn’t rushed or exhausted. She needs to be able to look forward to this, feel excited about it during the week before, get her nails done. Drip feed her temptation of an exciting luxurious evening. Plan ahead for play space – if your place doesn’t cut the mustard, book a hotel and check-in in advance so you can whisk her straight up later, without destroying the mood. Enjoy seducing her. Watch her responses and respond to the cues she gives you.
Try to be objective
Your partner may cuddle you in front the fire in winter and bring you breakfast in bed on your birthday. Be an amazing parent, or always there for you. Surprise you with roses for no reason. Your quarry wont get to see any of that. She is going to have to make a judgement on whether she finds the both of you attractive. Considering how hard it is to find mutual attraction to form a couple, you need to bear in mind that this is multiplied up by 3. Its not just 2 way attraction you need now, it’s 6 way. Very often, one partner in a couple appears significantly more attractive than the other, even without accounting for types and preferences. On the swing scene, the let down is generally the man. Short of throwing over your partner altogether and replacing them, what can you do? Obviously make an effort to look as good as you can. Try to eat healthily and exercise regularly, drink lots of water, etc. Yeah, right. If you were going to go that route you’d already be doing it. My suggestions are have a good week. Take a bit of exercise at least 3 times in the run up to the meet, cut out treats and have some fruit and vegetables. You can do it for a week. Get a suntan (with a spray or tanning bed if need be), remove excess body hair, make sure you’ve recently been to the hairdresser and that you’ve bought (and tried on in advance) some tasteful clothes that are flattering and fit you properly. Make sure you’ve got good shoes to go with it and new underwear. It doesn’t need to cost hundreds of pounds, but make it look like you have your life together. Make it look like you value yourself. People who don’t put effort into their appearance are valued less by others. Show your best side.
I’ve known two couples on the scene who really enjoyed hunting in the wild. They would take in, convince and convert vanillas into swingers. Usually this would be with a single female, at a somewhat vulnerable or uncertain point in her life. Often quite young, but perhaps right after a break up, or other juncture. It is, in fact, a similar strategy to religious cults. There is, from the ‘Fagin’, a sense of power, as the new initiate knows nothing, and looks to their initiator for guidance. They have not come to this world alone, but have been ushered in when lost. To an extent, I suppose we all were, but some more than others. Whether or not we later decide we like it here is irrelevant. It is not for me to judge the morals of this, and I’m not going to delve deeply into the BDSM angles of submission, control, daddies & littles, or any other such cross over. As the hunter, I am going to point out the potential consequences from your perspective.
a) Your initiate is likely to become extremely attached to you. Possibly worshipful. If you don’t want this to be a long term thing or you aren’t intending to form some sort of poly relationship, you need to consider how and when you can cut it off with the least drama and damage, before you even begin.
b) Your initiate is likely only doing it to please/impress you. If you have enough empathy to see sadness in the eyes of another as they undertake what they think they need to do to show their worth, you are going to find it a real buzzkill. If not, forge right ahead.
c) Your initiate has been guided in this direction by you, at a point they were already fragile. Accepting some of the acts that are quite commonplace on the swing scene, and what it means to them and their sense of identity to partake in them, requires supportive processing time. Are you willing to allow them this?
d) Your initiate is an unknown powder keg of potential drama. If they have come to the scene, with you, to see and do things that are used to inspiring jealously, rage, sorrow, despair, low self esteem or even self harming behaviour in them and everyone they know, then you are tickling the detonator. You don’t know if they will go off, when, how big or what direction.
Although it is quite possible to ‘ethically’ (if you like), introduce new people to the scene, you need to be very careful about their motivations, and the level of responsibility and personal intimacy with you or someone else that is involved in their decision. You cannot base this on what they say. People lie to themselves best of all. Stripping away societal conditioning can be an emancipating experience for a person. They can join the libertine elite- the hedonistic, natural state for humanity. Yet it is not without its casualties in the process. Introducing a new person is not necessarily easier or more productive for you in the end- it just makes you feel more masterful that you are in the position of greater knowledge and experience. That illusion fades rapidly when it comes to drama management.
Fear not, my Baby Ducklings, for these are paths that are only options. If you are a single man, you will find there are plenty of single women on the scene who will be happy to date you and maybe become your primary F. If you are a couple, there are certainly unicorns to be had, of many varieties, if you know where to look, and how to catch them. Soon, you will.